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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

does anyone have grown up children still living at home and wish them to fly the nest?

78 replies

Chatelaine · 02/01/2011 17:19

So so difficult to phrase this correctly! Bear with me please. Grown up son of 22 has returned after living subsidised on his own for 3 years. He has moved back due to giving up uni/relationship break up et al. So far so good. DS has a home, opportunity blah blah for fresh start... Then we find he brings home a young lady to stay overnight that is now staying almost every night without a word to his parents. This is the difficult bit, we state what our rules and standards are, he more or less ignores it, but is not unpleasant, just laid back. So frustrating. He has the ability to support himself so no worries on that score except that he has no incentive to leave a comfortable home. He needs his own place to do his own thing so we don't have to see it iyswim. If you have experience of this situation I need to hear it to regain perspective. Happy New Year.

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 02/01/2011 17:21

If you don't like it, and you don't wish it to happen in your home, then suggest firmly that he leaves and finds his own home in which he can carry on however he likes. Otherwise he might still be there when he's 30.

No personal experience - but MIL has her elder son back at home and is too soft to turf him out - he is now 36. Do you want him there still in 14 years time?

sharbie · 02/01/2011 18:17

oh dear i have the opposite problem - a ds of 16 that wants to leave home

supersalstrawberry · 02/01/2011 18:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertieBottlesOfMulledWine · 02/01/2011 18:29

I'm 22 and most of my friends still live at home. It's just too expensive to live away from home (on minimum wage) unless you can find a friend or a few to move in with, and if everyone else has a cushy life with their parents, why would they want to?

However having said that I think you have to be stricter about the house rules. So either he abides by them or he has to get his own place if he wants to do as he likes.

DecorhatetheChristmasTree · 02/01/2011 19:01

I think one of the reasons this happens so much nowadays is that parental homes are too comfortable! I grew up sharing a bedroom with my sisters, no personal space. Couldn't wait to move out. I lived in houseshares till I was in my late 20s. Not always the nicest accomodation but at least I was standing on my own two feet.

I don't think you did yourselves or your son any favours by letting him move back in. I think it's time to give him notice to leave. Too bad if he has to go into a houseshare and start supporting himself.

oldenoughtowearpurple · 02/01/2011 19:11

Wish my ds20 would move on with his life. He is not that much of a practical burden but I really feel it's time he got on with his life. But he's still my lovely baby and I fixed it so hard to be tough on him.

Tortington · 02/01/2011 19:14

i kicked my son out - hes now got his own flat and everythings good.

i have 17 yr old twins and dh had his eye on ds's room for a media type room and i have my eye of dd's room for a drum room

dd keeps telling me she won't move out as she is too comfortable.

we have the oppotunity to pay for digs at ds's college - its quite expensive and i was made redundant before xmas - otherwise than that i think he would have had an enhanced college experience and i would get rid of dh to the loft.

so i need to get a job to get rid of dh and ds.

Original poster

Chatelaine · 02/01/2011 20:04

thanks for the replies - BertieBottlesOfMulledWine yes we understand the difficulties in affordability for young people. Therefore being at home is an opportunity imo. That said, it is frustrating to see DD spend money rather than saving to get his own place. Grrrrr!!! I know the answer to this, we need to be firmer, easier said than done as you can't take the toys away and we, the parents, go to bed first! It's just so plain rude not to ask if someone stays over.

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Original poster

Chatelaine · 02/01/2011 20:13

DecorhatetheChristmasTree - Yes I agree with all you say, I left home and did a house share until I could afford to move on. Having said that I did not have all the "stuff" that yp seem to accumulate these days.I know I am being weak,give me backbone, please.

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mumeeee · 02/01/2011 20:26

I have 3 DD's. DD1 29 married and living in London. DD2 21 in her second year at uni and is only home for some of the holidays and DD3 18 still at college so still living pemenatly at home.
I hope when DD2 finishes uni she is able to stay where she is in Kingston or somwehre near there. She has made some friends and a life for herself up there.
I would tell your son if he lives in your house he has to go by your rules or he finds somwehere else to live

Original poster

Chatelaine · 02/01/2011 20:48

mumeeee - yes that is our conclusion, easier said than done though. Today DS had a conversation with a "senior" member of the family to basically kick his arse back us up. It's like we talk a foreign language at home.

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NonnoMum · 02/01/2011 20:52

Rude sod!!!

The rule is NO OVERNIGHT GUESTS if you are an adult still at home.

Or why would anyone ever leave home???

If he's not broke, he can go to a cheap B and B for his bonking (does anyone still call it that?)

You've been taken as a mug.

Give him one month's notice.

Or move.

NonnoMum · 02/01/2011 20:54

And if the sensible conversation fails, you both need to start sleepwalking naked.

That should do the trick (no offence, I'm sure you look like Kylie but you've got to outwit kids, whatever their age).

ZZZenAgain · 02/01/2011 21:00

if you have told him no overnight guests and he is ignoring you and having overnight guests nonetheless, perhaps you should tell him that you will be telling the young woman directly so that it is clear to her.

And then if it happens again, do it.

If after having told him and the young woman, it happens again, turn him out.

Original poster

Chatelaine · 02/01/2011 21:06

NonnoMum yes you are right, (and others) DH and myself are trying to resolve this, it hinges on a contract for work for DS as then we know there will be no rebound. He needs his own place to do as he likes, without us. I've just re read that last sentence and it sounds a beat bleak, but it's what i think given that we have told him what we feel in front of his young lady, only to be ignored.

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Original poster

Chatelaine · 02/01/2011 21:08

bit!

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CarGirl · 02/01/2011 21:14

Charge him rent, and then charge is young lady rent as well!

ZZZenAgain · 02/01/2011 21:15

you've spoken to him about it alreadywhen she was present and they are both just ignoring you

That's not good.

NonnoMum · 02/01/2011 21:16

And remind your DH to leave his 'jamas OFF tonight when he walks to the bathroom.

FattyArbuckel · 02/01/2011 21:17

Is it not a bit old fashioned to object to a girlfriend staying over with your grown up son? I agree he should ask permission but if he knows you'll say no then i understand why he doesn't ask you.

CarGirl · 02/01/2011 21:21

I don't think it matters old fashioned or not, his parents have told him "no" and if he wants them to financially subsidise his comfortable lifestyle he should honour their decision.

He's a grown up for goodness sake! Or clearly he isn't - just do what you want, treat people without respect, it doesn't matter soemone else will bail be out

ZZZenAgain · 02/01/2011 21:23

I don't really think it is for the son to decide whether his parents are being old-fashioned about how they like people to behave in their home. It is not really ok in my book if that is what he does feel to simply ignore what they have said and have guests to stay the night regardless. It is actually quite rude IMO.

Unless OP you have been less clear than you think and he is not 100% clear on how you stand?

NonnoMum · 02/01/2011 21:25

I think the thing about overnight guests is not about morals but more about etiquette.

Remember the thread about the sister who brought her work partner along for Christmas lunch (who then brought her partner and MOTHER with her!!)? MN went ballistic. It was just so rude.

Well, this girl is being just as rude. Enabled by your son.

mamatomany · 02/01/2011 21:31

My 25 year old brother is still at home reducing my mother to tears my weekends with his guests (lady friends) but she won't kick him out so what else can you do :(

Original poster

Chatelaine · 02/01/2011 21:40

ZZZenAgain - thanks for the comments, essentially we have old fashioned values but we are actually quite liberal, that may have given mixed messages. But when it comes to having someone habitually staying over we have always drawn the line and said no. Other DC moved out to uni and comes back to visit. Thank you CarGirl, you have summed precisely how we feel, he still needs to grow up.

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