Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

does anyone have grown up children still living at home and wish them to fly the nest?

78 replies

Chatelaine · 02/01/2011 17:19

So so difficult to phrase this correctly! Bear with me please. Grown up son of 22 has returned after living subsidised on his own for 3 years. He has moved back due to giving up uni/relationship break up et al. So far so good. DS has a home, opportunity blah blah for fresh start... Then we find he brings home a young lady to stay overnight that is now staying almost every night without a word to his parents. This is the difficult bit, we state what our rules and standards are, he more or less ignores it, but is not unpleasant, just laid back. So frustrating. He has the ability to support himself so no worries on that score except that he has no incentive to leave a comfortable home. He needs his own place to do his own thing so we don't have to see it iyswim. If you have experience of this situation I need to hear it to regain perspective. Happy New Year.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chatelaine · 02/01/2011 21:44

We just want him to move on without any hard feelings. Moving out of the parental home should be a positive step surely? It was for us. We will always be there to help/advise etc.

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 02/01/2011 21:50

I think it will all work out well. It sounds civilised and so on. Let's see if what the older relative has to say bears any fruit.

What a shame he gave up university. What is he going to do now , does he have a plan for the future yet?

mjinsparklystockings · 02/01/2011 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Chatelaine · 02/01/2011 22:32

Oh God, I wish we had not got into this slippery slope of gf staying over in the past. Let that be a warning! Close friends have already said to be really hard on DC's otherwise where is the incentive to move out? All good in theory, Ds has lived away for 3 years and has now returned due to circumstances. He is used to doing as he likes, hence the new gf staying over. He is taking us for granted though. His contract will hopefully be confirmed in the next 10 days so we can give him a "move out" by date then. It sounds unpleasant to read that, but we feel it a positive thing, ds does too when the subject is discussed. However, when we try to pin him down regarding how much he is saving he is rather vague so I give him an estimate! grrrr.

OP posts:
mjinsparklystockings · 03/01/2011 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bamboobutton · 03/01/2011 10:19

ShockAngry

if i were in this position i would wait until ds next leaves the house and just clear all his stuff out of his room leaving just the bed, curtains, a chest of drawers and a bare lightbulb.

i might also consider taking the bedroom door off too.

thumbwitch · 03/01/2011 12:16

I think I'd change the locks while he was out, if he's that bad mannered.

DecorhatetheChristmasTree · 03/01/2011 15:10

Ooh like the suggestion of taking the bedroom door off! Tbh I think you should not have let him move home when he dropped out of uni. I'm sure you gave him lots of support (financial & otherwise) while he was there. Unless there were good reasons (eg medical) I would have said if he dropped out he had to be self-sufficient.

Original poster
Chatelaine · 03/01/2011 18:03

Lots of good comments here! Thank you. Dh & I have been so anxious for weeks now, tbh it affects me more than DH as he copes with it better. The solution is of course, getting his own place, so that is the plan. He had to move back home as he was at uni in London, had given up a good job to attend and did part time work. I know what you're saying, he would of survived and I do kick myself but that's water under the bridge. Smile at the thought of taking the door off! He would go and get a new one and do the job himself. As for new gf ignoring us as well,that infuriated me as i would never have done that Angry I have been calmed down by a friend who pointed out that she is taking the cue from him, and she is younger. That's not an excuse, but i have to pick the battles and really he is to blame. We are feeling disappointed and hurt but in stronger moments we remind ourselves of his better points. We have plenty of room and I think he truly believes it's all ok, what's the fuss? Just hope he's not a communist [grin} He's not actively rude or difficult, it's more the case of his habits clashing with our standards ifyswim. tbh i am fed up with being brainwashed into believing that it is somehow acceptable. I acknowledge that we are partly to blame inasmuch that we gave an inch and he took the mile. Thanks for the support, I am feeling a bit better.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chatelaine · 03/01/2011 18:04

"Have" survived.

OP posts:
bamboobutton · 03/01/2011 19:26

take the door off.

if he puts another one up take that one off too.
keep doing it until he runs out of money for new doors or moves out in a strop.

Original poster
Chatelaine · 03/01/2011 19:45

Yes, I get your point. It has never occured to us to do that, it's non confrontational. Just a statement of fact. So so tempting, will share that with DH with a view to holding it in reserve. Very appealing idea. You have no idea how much it helps to get this in writing.

OP posts:
NonnoMum · 03/01/2011 20:42

ROFLing at the idea of taking the door off!

And, by the way, don't want to be a scaremonger, but the younger GF IS over 16 isn't she?

noddyholder · 03/01/2011 20:49

Have a word with him quietly but seriously but don't take the door off.As you say you have plenty of room and it is v expensive to rent plus nice to have your family at home if they muck in and show respect.Tell him the rules and let him decide.A lot of teenagers return after uni and have been used to their own rules in those 3 years but if they want low rent they can confoem!

maktaitai · 03/01/2011 21:02

Angry at your son.

I think you could get a bit more comfortable in your own home.

How about taking his key off him so that he has to work around your schedule?

Or more subtle stuff, like eating out a lot so that there is only flour and lentils in the house, switching off the electricity when you go to bed, taking up the saxophone and playing it at 6am when you get up, noisy sex when he's around, plenty of parties that he's excluded from, loud U3A discussion groups all over the sitting room in the evening?

Original poster
Chatelaine · 03/01/2011 21:06

OH yes! gf is over 16, very first question I asked him. The second was "do you know where babies come from?" (or words to that effect)The whole litany. Again. Grrr... I also asked her mildly, what did her mother think? Got a shrug for a response. Yes it is expensive to rent unless that is your priority and spend money on anything but knowing as we do the money that passes through his hands. We have to make it less comfortable so he has the incentive to move. I could not imagine thinking this way say 5 years ago, but as he has already had 3 years away from us, it is so hard to put up with this. We love him and him us, so we will survive this. The angst is in finding a way to not let him get away with it for too long. I think he is showing off to his young lady.

OP posts:
maktaitai · 03/01/2011 21:08

I would bet that your son's gf is extremely uncomfortable. You could probably work on her.

Original poster
Chatelaine · 03/01/2011 21:09

maktaitai Grin

OP posts:
NonnoMum · 03/01/2011 21:12

No. DO take the door off. It's a genius idea.

Anyone remember "Butterflies" from the 70s/80s? Of course you will survive this, but you have to outwit him!

Original poster
Chatelaine · 03/01/2011 21:15

Yes I think she is uncomfortable as she creeps in and out and obviously does not want to offend us, if we see her as we nearly always do, we are polite and she does look a little shamefaced, I think to her credit, certainly not brazen. She is taking the cue from ds, this is his responsibility. We do not want to make her too welcome under these circumstances, it's just too early and they are not going about it in the right way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chatelaine · 03/01/2011 21:21

NonnoMum - Yes and keep some dignity! I will keep the taking off of the door in mind. If I had the nerve DH and I could wander the corridors naked. Come to think of it, that might do us some good Grin

OP posts:
pythonmum · 03/01/2011 21:37

Chatelaine, our son moved home at the age of 21 after 3 years of uni and it was very rocky at times as, like your son, he had got used to doing whatever he wanted. We did not have this particular issue as there was no girl around at that time but had issues of friends, noise, loud computer games, and what we percieved as a lack of respect.

It may help you to know that, despite rows and worry that we would all really fall out, our situation just slowly and gradually improved as he settled back in and, when he left to take up a job a year later I felt totally bereft!

Keep reinforcing the standards you expect, both to your son and his friend, and I'm sure time will tell.

Original poster
Chatelaine · 03/01/2011 21:46

pythonmum - thanks for that, essentially we are optimistic. It's been a hard few months and I needed to share, it's really helped. Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
1944girl · 03/01/2011 21:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Chatelaine · 03/01/2011 22:02

1944girl - You did what you thought was right for your family at the time even though you had misgivings. Hope they all chip in and help you.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread