does anyone have grown up children still living at home and wish them to fly the nest?

[Chatelaine]

So so difficult to phrase this correctly! Bear with me please. Grown up son of 22 has returned after living subsidised on his own for 3 years. He has moved back due to giving up uni/relationship break up et al. So far so good. DS has a home, opportunity blah blah for fresh start... Then we find he brings home a young lady to stay overnight that is now staying almost every night without a word to his parents. This is the difficult bit, we state what our rules and standards are, he more or less ignores it, but is not unpleasant, just laid back. So frustrating. He has the ability to support himself so no worries on that score except that he has no incentive to leave a comfortable home. He needs his own place to do his own thing so we don't have to see it iyswim. If you have experience of this situation I need to hear it to regain perspective. Happy New Year.

1944girl if you serve them an eviction notice my understanding is that the council will have to house, although initially it may be in emergency accommodation.......

I've actually just seen I said DD1 is 29 she#s not she is only 23 I must have presed the wrong number!

Go with the never a dull moment vibe You will have plenty of dull moments when they are all really gone and then you will wonder what all the fuss was.it is called life

I wonder why your ds doesn't stay over at his gf's house? Would her parents tolerate it?

Gosh you guys are a bit harsh.

I would be harsh on the economics, what he can afford to pay he should pay. And ditto for housework.

And the girlfriend should be introduced properly to the landlord parents, but to ban her completely is...?

I can understand someone like mjinsparkly setting stricter ground rules about strangers in the house, esp. with younger children present, but not sure if it's like that for OP? I tend to think that if you want your resident adult offspring to behave like adults then part of treating them like adults is to let them have a sex life.

ragged - yes, it's not so black and white, or so simple as taking measures like taking bedroom door off, though I think that could work in some cases if such a strong point was made early on. Let that be a warning! We admit to having been too tolerant, in the expectation that it was appreciated and not taken for granted i.e. he would have the good sense to know that there is a next stage. In many ways we have been quite strict on dcs in terms of effort made, etc. He has always worked. Other dc flew the nest happily and returns for visits. ds is saving and knows what an opportunity that is before he gets his own place. We did the teenage bit years ago with friends sleeping over, feeding them etc, taxi ing them around and never had any problem with that. He does say he is going (in a positive way) and so fingers crossed.

Just to clarify, we are actively avoiding getting to know this new gf to avoid them being too comfortable. That is quite hard for us because is seems so unnatural. ds was with ex gf since school and to our knowledge had never been promiscuous.

Do as a friend of mine did when her son started with a similar behaviour. On nights when she has "stayed over", get up early, make two cups of tea and fling open the bedroom door (hopefully catching them in the act). Deposit the two cups of tea nearby and make a pointed comment about it being about time he got a flat of his own. Continue to embarrass son at random moments until the reality of a slightly demented mother constantly interrupting his romancing/shagging starts to sink in.

Slug - I remember my parents doing this to me and dh when we were engaged and just spending an overnight visit! We absolutely squirmed with embarrassment. The trouble is they see nothing remotely wrong with the way things are. Again we have been a bit
stupid trusting. The bedroom doors have locks. I sincerely hope I do embarrass him in other ways. Apparently we are "old fashioned"

Time for an illicit door lock removal then.

The thing is, "old fashioned" or not, he is taking the piss. If he wants the subsidised housing he will need to learn to abide by the rules. If he's uncomfortable with the rules then he will just have to move out. It's beyond rude to take all the comforts you supply and abuse your hospitality by behaving in a manner he knows you are uncomfortable with.

Yes, we cann't wait for the good news that he has got the job, then his days or rather his nights are numbered.

Mine keep coming back for short stays. Costs us a fortune, even though they contribute, it never covers all the extras.
Sunday dinner is usually for about 12. Tired but I love it!

sorry not actually in your situation... yet but if finances are not a problem for him then I would think it is easier to tell him he is an adult and needs to pay his way. Find the local rate for what he is getting ie rent, electricity gas phone pc use wear and tear all adds up so does insurance on house and household contents and charge him for the lot washing of clothes, food include everything. He will soon be out or you will be quids in and landlords often have rules and if you don't abide by them you are out so no harm in laying down the rules once and for all. Sounds so simple put like that I should apologise now as sure it is not but maybe just putting the idea to him might help your situation. For future events coming my way I'd appreciate knowing what works in the end.

just curious - why have you posted this in the 'teenagers' topic when your son is 22?

Could it be that you are treating him as a teenager/dependent, when he is in fact, an adult and should be treated as such?

Are you buying all the food and cooking for him? Doing his washing/ironing?

Is he contributing anything (no matter how small) toward rent, food costs and other household expenses?

Perhaps the situation has resolved itself by now - did he get the contract?

It's probably in 'teenagers' as there is no section for those of us with children just out of their teens but often still dependent on us, either at home or at university. I've often wished there was a section for those parents dealing with issues that arise at these ages - we're still mums with all the joys and worries that entails.

Maybe Mumsnet should have a new section following on from teenagers for those with older children.

Had a similar problem. You give them 3 chances. He ignored your first request - strike one. Explain within the curtalage of your home he abides by the rules or suffers the consequences. Third chance (if he chooses to ignore you) is the final warning. If he continues to ignore you he's just taking the piss and clearly has no respect. You therefore have no alternative other than to kick him out. If you simply can't do this them remove all services completely - meals, washing, cleaning, use of car, remove TVs and all electricals, etc. BE STRONG for his sake - not doing him any favours in the long run.

I believe that you can charge £4250/year under the 'rent a room' scheme and not pay tax on it, sounds like a good start to me.

I was really Horrified when my son wanted to have his girlfriend to stay the night, and said ''absolutely not!''~ But then, over time, I realised that it was because I just didn't like the idea that my son was growing up! The thought of him having a ''full relationship'' was just too much.
Eventually I ajusted my mindset~ they'd been together a year and I allowed G.F to stay over for one night.
She stays about 2 nights a week now, and it isn't a problem. But then they are saving for their own place.
It is so much harder for younger people to move out nowadays as mortgages and rents are so high, especially if young people are working.
It's easier to live away from home when they are on benefits as housing benefit pays the huge bill for rent.
This system is cockeyed, and working young people ought to be able to get some sort of help with housing costs.
Personally,I enjoy it when G.F visits, but it did take a while to alter my attitude!

P.S what a good idea to have a section for mums with older offspring.
A story I read featured a Worried Mum who contacted police as her son hadn't yet come home, nor had he his own key, and mum wanted to ''go to bed, and not wait up worrying.''
I imagined the son to be a young teen out on the razz, but no...
The son was in his sixties and the mum was in her mid 80's!
So you see, as parents we never stop worrying,no matter how old our offspring are!

Yes, my son pays bills and contributes to things, and his G.F brings food over too.
The situation of adult children still at home is increasing with the economic climate.
HOWEVER..A woman I know with two adult sons at home had this tale to tell:
''My husband collapsed in agony with a heart attack and had it not been for my son who heard the sound from upstairs, and called an ambulance &c, my husband would be dead''
she also said it is lovely to have her sons around,as they are ''useful'', so it must be a personal thing.

Thankyou everyone, I did feel a little silly for posting the OP but I was bursting to share, and no, there is no catagory beyond teenagers, yet post teen DC's up and down the land are still with their parents! It's not always easy but it is a half way house iyswim. Happily DS has his permament contract which is like gold dust. He is saving for a place of his own and so has a good opportunity for a stronger "launch". He does help out in practical ways and can be very good company, not that we rely on that, but it still counts. GF is very pleasant, but we are avoiding getting involved.

oakleaffy - thanks for your posts by the way.

...my son is going on 24, met his gf before uni and lived with her for most of that time, in happiness. When they returned I had no hesitation in welcoming her to stay over, whenever, as I can still feel how it is to be 22 and know I felt pretty much the same as I do now - some sense, some reason and a few flaws.

Well into the 6th year of the relationship it is breaking down - son doesn't seem too bothered, but I had developed a great affection for her and feel very sad to clearly be losing someone who I had come to accept as 'part of the family'. Moreover, to respect the privacy of their relationship I don't even know the reasons for this, and cannot fully understand.

Lesson to me. I would never deprive them of that space and freedom to grow and enjoy each other's company. However, my own complacency and comfort in that truly came back to bite me on the bum.The son is moody and secretive, the girlfriend is detached and hurt, and I am sad. Let them in, but never get attached.