So I am a failed parent and called 999 on my dd13

[babalon]

After about 18 months of barely holding on to control of dd13 I have finally lost it completely and admitted defeat.

There are hundreds of examples that I could give to put you in the picture shoplifting, running out when grouded, swearing at all levels, no effort at school dispite being v bright. Give an cm she'll take 10 miles.

So friday she came home from school previously she'd had her phone confiscated at school for using it in lessons. Friday I wanted to know where her brothers phone was (he's 11 has a very basic phone for when he's up the park playing footie) and he couldn't find it.

I asked where it was she denied all knowledge so I sat at bottom of stairs and waited for her to replace it in his bedroom. Predictably she went to put it back so I said what are you doing? she denied everything dispite having said phone in her hand. I went up to her and told her to give me the phone she refused and said she'd remove her new sim card and delete all messages.

I took it off her anyway.She went mental and followed me down stairs grabbed my hair hit me punched me in the head ffing and nblinding my 4 yr old ran out and tried to protect me she very nearly picked himup and flung him! At this point I pushed her in the kitchen and held the door shut then dialed 999 to report my 13 yr old daughter was assualting me.

4 policemen and 2 cop cars arrived. And with my agreement took daughter to the station with my husband.

I was scared for both me and more importantly my little boy.

When they were gone I looked at the text messages that had provocked such aa reaction and basically her boyfriend who is a 16 yr old colledge student and her where planning to have sex this weekend.

I text my dh this and he told the police. I also text the boy and said

I suggest you back right off you are planning to have sex with a 13 yr old child. it is against the law and rape and I will have u charged. If you actually love her then let her be a child and keep you're penis well away from my little girl

I had to do a night shift and slept till 4 the next day dh said he'd let her go and talk to this boyfriend for half and hour whilst dh was up town. But after 1 hr hadn't appeared so dh dialled 999 again thinking the sex/rape was in progress. She turned up 1.5 hr late

had another night shift last night and just feel dazed confused. almost certain social services will be intouch regarding my other two children. I can't beleive my 13 yr ols thinks she can beat shit out of me knowing I can't hit back

I'm an A &e nurse I meet violent people every day but I have sercurity there and I'm more scared my own child than what any of them can do to me!!!! I'm also mad at dh who let her go for even 30 mins after fridays incident

As suspected school not much help she's already on report and got a letter from childrens services saying they were not getting involved.

I have a phone number for a parent support adviser so I'll give them a ring.

dd is just swanning around as if nothing has happened. occassionally getting stroppy when I repeat she's not getting phone and ipod back til at least next week. She's refusing to give us the boyfriends address or home number I want to talk to his parents.

For the record dd doesn't have a criminal record she has not been charged with anything. I phoned 999 as she had totally lost it nearly hurt her little brother and I had locked her in the kitchen where I could hear her throwing things around and she had access to knives!!! The 2nd call my husband made was I admit inappropriate as he had caused the situation himself. I don't intend o make a habit of dialing 999 however if myself or my other children are in danger I will

I will sent her to my parents if things kick off again unfortunately they live in the same town as I ideally would like to put some distance between her and the boyfriend.
I have found a brat camp in the uk so a sobering week in wales might be an option for her but the child has to agree to go and I've got a feeling she's not going to be overjoyed

She has actually done things when asked this week tidied room removed hoodie at table etc. But I am dreading the weekend when she will want to go out. I'm on night shifts the next 3 nights which is hardly ideal.

I still feel awful have had a headache for days but all is quiet on the weston atm

Hi Babalon,

Im sorry to see that you are having so much trouble with your DD.. I dont have a teen myself but i remember what it was like being one, i used to act just like your daughter..

Have you made sure that she is not being bbullied? She may be having problems with a ggroup of people and is acting out at home because of this?

DO you know who she hangs around with? i fell into a wrong group of people and this was a route of pretty much all my problems.

Bribery doesnt work, there is no point in saying you can have such and such back in a week because in a week when she gets it back she will go back to being a shit.. You honestly need to let her have nothing. no money.no phone. no computer. no tv. just a bed in her room and some books to read.

as previously suggested, Driving her to school and back. locking all doors and windows so she cant get out is a good way to enforce her to be grounded

My parents took these actions and yes i was pissed off at first but in the end i realised that i had to do what they say. I was once grounded for the 6 weeks holidays and that was the end of my problems as i wanted to be out with my mates.

i really hope things get better for you.

Just wanted to let you know my thoughts are with you and your family, this must be bloody awful for you. Going through a tough time myself, so I can relate.

and me!

called 999 on my dd tonight....she was arrested and is currently in the cells,til mornning. she is 14.

total nightmare

toptulip I hope you are ok

thanks,noteven,we are fine. collected a very tired dd this morning.

we have spoken and i now hope we can move on. she was shocked i would call police on her,more shocked i told them to take her away. i collected her and now she agrees to go for counselling/anger management.....she says she didnt know what to do with her anger last night,hence lashing out at some objects(with a knife)

she says her friends mum would never dare call police on her own extremely violent daughter....dd told me this girl does some terrible things......the mum fears ss being involved,i told the police bring it on,i will welcome it!

dd is now realising that 2 weeks before xmas i will now need to spend my time dealing with the falloutt from this.....so christmas may not be quite up to its usual standards.....this will hurt!

i decided to pick my battles today for both our sakes,so i let her go out....she's come back tho. tired,hungry and i think,concerned for all the trouble she's caused. also i have her ex boyfriend turned up with mum troubles of his own,so he's here with her too. he's a good lad,and when he learned of last nights trouble he gave me a hug,bless him,he's 15. he said to dd 'you are lucky,i wish she was my mum,believe me'

am hopefull

Well done Toptulip. It sounds as if you handled a bad situation very well.

I hope your DD has had the shock that will make her think and not react like this again.

Hi all of you,

Many of you will know that I have too been in a simular situation recently with DD14 and police was called. We have everything involved, SW CAMHS worker, counselling etc. Nothing seems to work, and SW told me the other day that it even if they were to place DD with the nicest foster carer, they would not be able to do any more than we could, she is not at risk in the home, in fact she has a very good home, just does not appreciate it, like most of the teenagers on here I suspect. Now she is a complete nightmare at home and school, BUT, here is the thing. DH and I went out last night and DD had to spend the night at my friend's house as we could not trust her because we were going out all night. This morning when we went to collect the kids, I asked how she had been, bearing mind this is a child who swears like it is normal and can be severely verbally abusive. No she was good as gold, not one swear word in sight, was polite, well mannered. So there we have it, all those years of grounding have done good, she knows how to behave and has been brought up well(like all of the teens on here I suspect). So why on earth does she put us through hell most days, especially when she hears the words NO or told what to do, she cannot accept it and goes off like a bottle of pop. It's not as though she gets her own way.

I am now hoping that I will not have to call the police again and this has scared her, but would do so if she was physically abusive towards me again.

so sorry you're having such an awful time with your dd babalon.

I think that some on here have no idea at all of what you are dealing with, and can't conceive of it tbh. I probably wouldn't have been able to quite get my head around it until it happened to me. I agree that if there is violence then the police need to be called immediately - it is no difference to any violence, regardless of the age of the perpetrator, though of course it is very upsetting that it is your own child. The police my way seem to be very well clued-up on domestic abuse from teen children.

IME it has been very difficult indeed to get help - I have had to slug it out on my own (SP), cobbling together support/advice etc from any and every source. tbh a lot of it was/is waiting for the hideous, unspeakable storm to pass (we're talking months/years, not weeks I'm afraid), whilst relentlessly putting in boundaries and holding them, even if your dd doesn't hold them, you still keep putting them in place like a robot. Keep calm, don't get agitated; also, make statements, don't scream etc., don't discuss endlessly. tbh I'm not sure there is necessarily some terrible trauma these teens are suffering from - I think it is also our age that encourages them in their monstrous narcissism.

that said, I was a difficult teen (though I was a kitten in comparison to this lot!) and apart from the usual naracissim at that age lol there was trouble in my heart/head aside from thinking I knew everything and that everybody in authority was an idiot. Reading through your thread Babalon I wondered if this boy your dd is involved with may be controlling ie she may be in a controlling relationship? In which case she'll be under a kind of spell...

If it helps at all a good friend had awful problems with her young teen - really bad - but she is now 23 and a fantastic young woman, SO together, a delight. That encourages me tbh. I think a lot of it is just waiting for the awful times to pass whilst holding boundaries until you're sick of it lol. It's hard losing control - or feeling like you're losing control. IME CAMHS were a total nightmare and caused a great deal of harm so maybe it's not such a tragedy that they have a long waiting list. I would suggest you get together some private therapy - approach local therapists who specialise in teens/families (do your research) and ask if they will consider a reduced rate if you are strapped - you can only ask. That way it isn't on you or your daughter's records and keeps it contained iyswim. imo it's worth forgoing extras (hols etc) to pay for it. She may not initially agree to go but you could make it a condition and she may be pleasantly surprised if she does go. There are things she may not feel she can talk to you about but would open up to a therapist. YOu need to get support for yourself too - it is hell going through this.

mine are too old now for me to have any real 'control' - at least she's 13 and in the eyes of the law you have a lot of clout on that front.

sorry, long post

Hi

I've just skim read this thread so forgive me if this has been answered already.

But in all this, where is your husband? Sorry my DD is 14 and I'm not together with her mum anymore but if she assaulted her mum I'd have no hesitation in pasting her.

It sounds to me like your husband disagrees about how serious things are. In which case he's seriously deluded. I think the old adage united we stand, divided we fall springs to mind here.

how do you mean niceguy? 'pasting her'......sounds worrying

@babalon - maybe this is a 'dead thread' and everything is rosy now, but maybe not, so I thought I'd post...

I've been there, done that with my 15yo son. We had a big argument cos I found some cannabis in his pocket when I was doing the washing, and when I confronted him about it, he tried to force it out of my hand and then started throwing things at me. I called 999. I was scared, but I also needed backup. I am a single parent, and don't generally have backup in a crisis. I needed to draw a line and show him very clearly that getting violent was not OK.

The police were great. Came, took me seriously, talked me out of pressing charges, carefully ignored my mention of the canabis (I'd flushed it down the loo by then)...

Frankly, the police are the only agency who have been helpful, over the years. All the others have either told me he didn't reach their 'threshold for support' or have got involved briefly then faded away.

I think these situations are much more common than is generally known or accepted. Domestic violence where your own child is the perpetrator. It's grim, it's taboo and it's incredibly distressing.

I decided to talk to some friends with older teens about it, and was surprised that quite a few had equally horrible tales.

The best advice I got was from a (male)friend who said angry teenagers are like hurricanes. You wish you could control them, but you can't. When they rage, you just have to batton down the hatches, make sure you are protected, and wait for it to pass. It does.

The only thing I'd add to this is that calling the police - if you feel in danger - is part of your protection.

Loads of people will judge you (and me) and imply you (and I) messed up somehow, now or in the past. Don't listen to them. Find people who understand.

Your teen will be OK in the end. So will you, so long as you look after yourself. You are doing OK. Hang on in there.

Talk to her, if she wants to have sex evidently she is ready.

But if you try and stop her she will just desire it more.

I understand you don't want her to be pressured into in by her BF. Try and reason, make her promise but on her terms.

And if she is still desperate, remind her to do it safely, maybe supply some condoms.

perhaps buy her a dildo as an alternative?

flow4.....thats good to hear!

i agree,goes on alot more than we realise

@babalon I feel you. There's no need to blame yourself here though it seems that your daughter has lack of discipline. With your daughter's attitude I think getting her into a teen boarding school would help. Just be sure you get her into a school with effective programs and activities that best suits your daughter.