So I am a failed parent and called 999 on my dd13

[babalon]

After about 18 months of barely holding on to control of dd13 I have finally lost it completely and admitted defeat.

There are hundreds of examples that I could give to put you in the picture shoplifting, running out when grouded, swearing at all levels, no effort at school dispite being v bright. Give an cm she'll take 10 miles.

So friday she came home from school previously she'd had her phone confiscated at school for using it in lessons. Friday I wanted to know where her brothers phone was (he's 11 has a very basic phone for when he's up the park playing footie) and he couldn't find it.

I asked where it was she denied all knowledge so I sat at bottom of stairs and waited for her to replace it in his bedroom. Predictably she went to put it back so I said what are you doing? she denied everything dispite having said phone in her hand. I went up to her and told her to give me the phone she refused and said she'd remove her new sim card and delete all messages.

I took it off her anyway.She went mental and followed me down stairs grabbed my hair hit me punched me in the head ffing and nblinding my 4 yr old ran out and tried to protect me she very nearly picked himup and flung him! At this point I pushed her in the kitchen and held the door shut then dialed 999 to report my 13 yr old daughter was assualting me.

4 policemen and 2 cop cars arrived. And with my agreement took daughter to the station with my husband.

I was scared for both me and more importantly my little boy.

When they were gone I looked at the text messages that had provocked such aa reaction and basically her boyfriend who is a 16 yr old colledge student and her where planning to have sex this weekend.

I text my dh this and he told the police. I also text the boy and said

I suggest you back right off you are planning to have sex with a 13 yr old child. it is against the law and rape and I will have u charged. If you actually love her then let her be a child and keep you're penis well away from my little girl

I had to do a night shift and slept till 4 the next day dh said he'd let her go and talk to this boyfriend for half and hour whilst dh was up town. But after 1 hr hadn't appeared so dh dialled 999 again thinking the sex/rape was in progress. She turned up 1.5 hr late

had another night shift last night and just feel dazed confused. almost certain social services will be intouch regarding my other two children. I can't beleive my 13 yr ols thinks she can beat shit out of me knowing I can't hit back

I'm an A &e nurse I meet violent people every day but I have sercurity there and I'm more scared my own child than what any of them can do to me!!!! I'm also mad at dh who let her go for even 30 mins after fridays incident

I do wonder if I live on the same planet as some posters .......[fbiscuit]@zalachenko

I feel the same way, Dracschick. And I don't feel that it's a laughing matter.

Every area in the country is covered by local councillors and local MPs. How can you say, Noteventhebestdrummer, that "out here in the real world what you suggest is simply not available to help people in these nightmare situations with their big kids." Have you tried asking your local councillor and your local MP for help? You can't say you haven't got one!

I can't believe that people are genuinely maintaining their position that there is no other help out there - that the only thing a parent can do is dial 999, get the police involved, and have their 13-year-old child branded with a record of criminal assault.

When this happens, does the child have a lawyer? How do the police establish whether or not the child was acting in self-defence?

Where I live its a poor area,poor doesnt equate to ignorant I have to point out.

We do have councillors they have good haircuts they dont live in the same world as us the only contact ive ever had with them have been in relation to a local park -they didnt 'get' the children they didnt 'get' the teens they want votes pure and simple and they will please the voters if it doesnt put them out.

My friend is having similar issues with her son (he does have issues) the only advice from social services was to phone the police so her ds struggles at school,vents his frustration at home-hes young for his age and he pushes and tantrums like a small child might only hes almost 6' and sturdy so what can she do? she has a man sized child beating her?? she phones the police- he stops -they threaten to lock him up-he is her son,she withdraws her allegation,the police notify ss -ss say we need a 'strategy' lets arrange a meeting......come the weekend it starts again so they are having meetings for meetings to discuss the events of 2 weeks ago.

Parenting in difficult circumstances unless your child is arrested outside of the home is a solitary and lonely experience.

Ideally support should be available.

Ideal isnt this world.

Whats going to happen to these children bound by the constraints of society,pressurised into performing ?? where do we 'lack' what our parents had?? is it our 'doing' and can we as a society put it right......before these children have children themselves and this cycle is repeated.

Zalachenko, you have omitted to answer my question, and I believe someone else asked you, too. Do you have teenagers? If so, have they been terrible teens?

Until you have answered this I feel your answers are not going to be taken seriously, - by me, anyway!

PA i heart you.

Suit yourself, PA.

Zalachenko, it is ridiculous to say that a troubled teen will get a place at a state boarding school if their local mp or councillor gets on the case. Such schools have limited numbers of places, and local authorities have limited amounts of funding - and if there is no funding and/or no school place, the teenager will not get a place - that is the reality.

You cannot magic up resources that are not there - even if you are an MP.

IME, an MP or Councillor will write a vague and woolly letter to Someone Important, which will be handed down to someone administrative to write a bland response (no I don't have teenagers - yet - but through my work I have seen both the original letters and the responses) - MP or Councillor will then copy the response to the parent and consider their job done.

Zalachenko, it seems to me that you mean well but your assertions have nothing in common with the real-life experiences of many MNetters.

OK, Ok, there's nothing that can be done for a child like this, no matter what risks they are facing. No-one cares, and no-one will help. The state is useless and can't or won't intervene.

DavidTennantsGirl, everything works on priorities. If a child is deemed to be at significant risk, the resources are found. It depends what the MP and councillor are told, of course.

How would the authorities find a special boarding school place, then, Zalachenko, if all the places were full? Would they expel a child who was deemed to be at a lower risk? If a school is full, it is full.

No-one is saying that there is nothing that can be done, or that there are no resources out there, but in the real world resources are finite, and people are only human, so it is not going to be as easy as you suggest to get the help that a child needs - and it is almost cruel to suggest otherwise.

A parent facing this situation needs realistic advice, not 'in an ideal world' advice - they are going to need support through what can be a very lengthy, frustrating and difficult process - and telling them that the help is there if they only ask the right way is NOT helpful.

It took a friend of mine over a year to get her child into the unit he needed to be in - because he had to wait for a vacancy. Telling her that she didn't tell the authorities the right thing would be cruel and factually incorrect!

But people on this thread are saying that nothing can be done to help this young girl except calling in the police. I think I have made more than 100 suggestions of sources of help for her (if you count the links) and every one of my suggestions has been rubbished, in order to prove that reporting this child to the police is the only option.

How can that be right? Put child safety aside for a minute - from a taxpayers' point of view, how can that be right?

The fact of school admissions is that an extra place can be made for a child at serious risk.

Zalachenko - can you not see that at a point of crisis the only thing to do may be to call the police? If your child is attacking you, totally out of control, violent, endangering you, himself and others in the house, you DO NOT have time to call social services for advice, or access a website, or write to your MP - you have to do something immediately to ensure people's safety! Can you honestly not understand that??

And links and suggestions are all very well, but you seem utterly unable to accept that resources are finite, and if there are no resources left (be that money, social workers, counsellors, places in referral units or specialist boarding schools) these CANNOT simply be conjured up out of nowhere, no matter what the parents tell their MP!!!!!!

I hope the OP is reading the posts from those who have been in similar situations and will stick around for the support that those who really know what happens have given here.

Support from someone who has been through something similar is far more valuable than the idealistic ramblings of those who have not got a clue!

OP, please come back for support from those who have been there and who care. We will always listen and be here for you.

Maybe my MP would have been able to explain to my DS (13) why keeping the mental health crisis phone number glued to the phone handset was a good idea...as it was, I explained to him that if he was scared by his older brother he should call them. And that was as well as making sure he was never alone at home with him.

999 calls are serious but when things flare up with teenagers who are violent and unpredicatable it's the right call. Every time.

I have absolutely no experience or advice here, I just wanted the OP to know that I don't consider her to have failed as a parent (as per the title). I think parenting is one of the hardest things to do and you've had to make decisions that I hope I will never have to make.

To me, you are not a failed parent.

What Maryz said.

Anyway - who on the thread thinks that calling 999 is the best thing to do? In the circumstances it seemed the only thing to do.

A few years ago I would have been aghast at this thread.

Now I have a teenager who has been creating havoc for the last 3 years.

A few weeks ago he was living in a homeless person's hostel. My well bought up, cared for, cherished child was living in a fecking hostel.

I never in a million years thought that would happen to my child.

We understand that he has legitimate issues and he needs help. However none of these issues excuse his behaviour and attitude. However much we love our children, however much we understand their needs, it is our job as parents to protect them and ourselves.
If this means calling 999, thats what we have to do.

Its the opposite of copping out (scuse the pun) because its horribly painful but we do it anyway.

The foster care thing - my DS's behaviour escalated when he was told that if he got put into care a certain amount of weeks before his 16 birthday the LA would have a duty of care and would HAVE to house him (i.e. give him a flat).

Once kids get wind of this sort of notion it can be impossible to get it out of their heads. They wish it to be so and nothing you say or do is going to convince them otherwise.

I am not usually one for homilies (sp?) but 'dont judge until you walk a mile in their shoes' is very apt in cases like these.

OP, i feel you did the right thing in the circumstances you found yourself in.

Can I ask some possibly rather naive questions? I know all about the police/social services/school stuff. what about family? Is their no family that can speak to, care for these children? Mom is trying her best, but its not working. There is other crap happening and affecting these children and they are being violent aggressive etc endangering others. Can they not be sent to stay with an aunt or uncle for a few months? a grandparent? a godparent? after all, isnt that what the entire point of godparenting was originally all about.
obviously these are not things that can be done in the instant that the violence is happening, but surely they can be organissed? whilst family members may not want to take on responsibility, dont they sometimes have to? the mom cant do the job entirely on her own. no one lives in complete and utter isolation.
or am i being totally naive?

Very often children do go to live with relatives lady. Its common in my experience and within my extended family.

But if a child is very troubled and determined that they are in the right, the placement breaks down due to their behaviour.

Money can also be an issue in these situations. Teenagers are expensive. Not all families are in the situation to support another family member to care for their child and the family member cannot always do it without that support. Child benefit only goes so far.

Sometimes it does work well. Kids often think life is very different in everyone else's homes, its just their parents who are unfair. A spell with auntie, gran etc can help them to put their lives into perspective. In situations where the child is very disturbed and/or aggressive just moving the child to another relative is not the answer.

It might be ok for a few days. Then as soon as they realise that the relative isnt going to say 'God you are SOOOO right about your parents, they are wrong, how could they tell you not to stay out all night, smoke etc' they will kick off again and go in search of someone who will agree with them.

I've often wished I were part of a culture where we had extended family abroad - I've know of miracles happening where wild big kids are (somehow) packed off to stay with great uncle X in a remote mountain village for a while!

babalon how are you doing? I hope you managed to get some help.