So I am a failed parent and called 999 on my dd13

[babalon]

After about 18 months of barely holding on to control of dd13 I have finally lost it completely and admitted defeat.

There are hundreds of examples that I could give to put you in the picture shoplifting, running out when grouded, swearing at all levels, no effort at school dispite being v bright. Give an cm she'll take 10 miles.

So friday she came home from school previously she'd had her phone confiscated at school for using it in lessons. Friday I wanted to know where her brothers phone was (he's 11 has a very basic phone for when he's up the park playing footie) and he couldn't find it.

I asked where it was she denied all knowledge so I sat at bottom of stairs and waited for her to replace it in his bedroom. Predictably she went to put it back so I said what are you doing? she denied everything dispite having said phone in her hand. I went up to her and told her to give me the phone she refused and said she'd remove her new sim card and delete all messages.

I took it off her anyway.She went mental and followed me down stairs grabbed my hair hit me punched me in the head ffing and nblinding my 4 yr old ran out and tried to protect me she very nearly picked himup and flung him! At this point I pushed her in the kitchen and held the door shut then dialed 999 to report my 13 yr old daughter was assualting me.

4 policemen and 2 cop cars arrived. And with my agreement took daughter to the station with my husband.

I was scared for both me and more importantly my little boy.

When they were gone I looked at the text messages that had provocked such aa reaction and basically her boyfriend who is a 16 yr old colledge student and her where planning to have sex this weekend.

I text my dh this and he told the police. I also text the boy and said

I suggest you back right off you are planning to have sex with a 13 yr old child. it is against the law and rape and I will have u charged. If you actually love her then let her be a child and keep you're penis well away from my little girl

I had to do a night shift and slept till 4 the next day dh said he'd let her go and talk to this boyfriend for half and hour whilst dh was up town. But after 1 hr hadn't appeared so dh dialled 999 again thinking the sex/rape was in progress. She turned up 1.5 hr late

had another night shift last night and just feel dazed confused. almost certain social services will be intouch regarding my other two children. I can't beleive my 13 yr ols thinks she can beat shit out of me knowing I can't hit back

I'm an A &e nurse I meet violent people every day but I have sercurity there and I'm more scared my own child than what any of them can do to me!!!! I'm also mad at dh who let her go for even 30 mins after fridays incident

so has she been charged? did the boy reply to the text, does she know that you sent the text. how is she now?

i didn't find parentline any use. i rang social services and they didn't want to know - the catch 22 being that i had rung so i must love him. i have to say that i don't thin, there is an awful lot of real help out there unfortunatley

She's not been charged police officer came back yesterday but left pissed off after hearing she'd gone awol the following day. He didn't reply to text but daughter says he wants to talk with us up town ? She knows

She is just biding time won't agree to anything I've had a very frank discussion pointing out if she can't even ask for food and the end of the day (nicks it from cupboard) she'll never be able to ask for advice if sex goes wrong. She's embarrassed to even the word sex

That's my impression! Thanks for being honest cuctardo. My only hope is that by meeting the boys parents we can get them to wait because he's the only one she vagely listens to.

I don't want her to put herself in the awful positions i got myself into

By professional support, I mean anyone with training in mental health. Would temporary emergency foster care help her? If she gets a criminal record it will be awful for her. I can't agree that calling the police in to deal with a child of that age is right.

this si a very difficult situation and tbh, i dont know what i would do if one of my children hit me. I am sure that i couldn't enter into a conversation for a couple of days at least.

a couple fo yers ago when dd was 15, we would get stuck in a cycle of shouting, stomping and generally hating each other and it could go on for ages. So what i did was this - i sat her down and just said - lets draw a line under it, lets start again, i dont like arguing and li love you.

the important thing i felt, was to say that and that alone - for there not to be that dreaded but and not to use it as the start of a converstions about rules and what i expect from her etc.

just that - it is what it is - lets leave it just know i love you

Regarding the BF - well...he would have to come to my house on my terms where i am in charge where i am in familiar surroundings.

now, in a seperate conversation, you need to explain this to her. think of it from HIS POV, if she loves him she should think of this - if he has sex with her, he will get prosecuted for statuatory rape. this means he will be on the sex offenders register for having sex with a minor. Most people will think that he is a paedophile. people who want to employ him for the rest of his life - will not know that he was in a ralationship with you - they will think he is a child molester. people will put his windows through if it gets out, he will be beaten up if word gets round that he is a paedo.

then you have to tell him the same thing when he comes round.

if you get hold of his parents - tell them the same thing. they will be frantic ( if they are any good)

im not understanding the stealing food out of the cupboard thing, my kids can help themselves to anything they like - in fact they have their own cupboards with food in so they can make themselves stuff.

Bruxer - you are obnoxious.

Babalon (HUG) It sounds like Hell. I am really sorry that I don't have any advice for you really, except to call NSPCC in the morning. Hopefully SS will be in touch after the other night - it's not always a bad thing x Many, many years ago friends of my parents had to do the 'Tough Love' thing with their daughter because she was so totally out of hand (nice family, bright enough girl yadda yadda yadda) - she is now married, 3 lovely kids, good job etc You will get your lovely girl back, you just need some help to do it. I do vaguely remember the thread, but can't remember who was on it/started it. If we keep this bumped, hopefully they will see it.

She is FAR too young to be having sex, but I think if I was you, I would take her to the Drs and get her the injection. You can't stop her having sex, so if she's determined to do it - she will (of course you can't stop trying to make her see sense and not do it), and you can't make her have safe sex - but you can get her on the injection and be pretty sure she wont get pregnant. [Well, I would assume you can, I have never had the injection so I don't know much about it, except it seems like a good idea right now].

Try to get some sleep tonight.

Phone the NSPCC in the morning.

Custardo - that's awful, hopefully Babalon will happen on someone helpful/useful if she rings NSPCC.

Whatever you do Babalon, please don't pout your daughter into 'care' - they can't help her anymore than you can and the last poster on here who did that, really, really regretted it. The thread isn't that old (only a few months ago).

There are a lot of really, really brilliant foster carers on here and I think they do a brilliant job, so some of them might have a suggestion for other avenues of help too.

I TOTALLY AGREE that calling the police when your 13 year old teenager is beating you up - is totally right. i wholeheartedly agree.

what i don't agree with is that you said you can't defend yourself. you can and i bloody well would. and now the police knows she had form this will go in your favour if you have to defend yourself int he future.

have you explained about foster care to her? does the possibility even frighten her a little?

i think on the whole she must feel like she is unloved, this will drive her into her bf waiting arms.

so i think its best to try and just remind her that you love her so very much, you want to draw a line under it and not mention it any more - then i think with that line drawn under it - you should create a good relationship, go shopping, go for coffee in town and a cake natch! try and get some time with her without the 4 year old.

sorry chippingin - have i misunderstood? you think my post was awful?

I don't want to put her anywhere however I don't want to stay in a house that i feel threatened, undermind and uncomfortable in. I have had dd's arm behind her back to retrieve phone from her but where is the line she assaults me however she wants but if I do anything than restrain I'll be charged and my 4 yr old and 11 yr old will be deemed at risk.

????

I think chippin thinks that the help you've been offered in the past is awful

Thankyou for all your input it is difficult and thats why I want help

i think you have to work on creating a new culture, spending time with her.

think it needs explaining - i have done this, that if ss do get involved - its not you who gets carted off! they don't realise that sometimes

OHHHHH i do get the wrong end of the stick - it gets me into trouble!

custardo I think she meant its awful you had no support/feel theres none - thats how it reads to me

babalon if dd needs to talk can use childline - including advice on safe sex and discuss if ready for it. does she accept she needs help?

fwiw totally understand why you dialed 999

I'm all for safe sex but what when she is just too young! I have given her all info, she saw ds2 born at home and cut his cord. I want to be a liberal parent but sex at 13 is wrong.

I'll be up the school tomorow and need to find then boys parents number

God my parents thought I was bad you ain't seen nothing!

i think you need to seperate it in your head - yes its wrong - but if it happens best for her not to get pregnant too

But how do you make it safe without sayingit's ok that you are having sex?

That is a massive issue nearly 17 yr old boy with 13 yr old girl

I can't think that the boy will want anything to do with her now that the police are involved. He could be nicked straight away.

I would try CAHMS again. Have been there in the past: medical/social services tell you they have a ginormous waiting list, then a new development happens, you ring them up again, and suddenly a space appears. If I were you, I'd be onto the phone to them every two days sobbing and explaining that your dd is now a danger both to herself and you. I have hardly got any treatment for dd without having had to ask for it several times. So don't give up, keep asking, make sure they know how bad it is.

And try to get your GP and/or the school to make CAHMS referral. Schools often have a lot of clout in these matters. The only time I've got dd in somewhere straight away was when the school counsellor dealt with it.

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this with your DD. Babalon.

No real advice, but just to say that you are not a bad mum and you are not the only one!

DD1 was a nightmare. Probably a little later than 13, I think she was 14 when she was first violent towards me. It was horrible. I love her to pieces, but hated what she was doing to me and the family (4 other, younger DCs). We lived in a kegpot for a while, but it DOES pass! DD1 is now 19 and lovely! If there is one thing I would suggest, its to keep communication open. In calm times, sit DD down and talk through her behaviour in a calm and non-agressive way. If she won't talk without arguing, then calmly say "not now, then. We will talk when we are both calm." And the revisit it another time.
I have been in a situation where I have been being hit by her and all I was able to do was try and get her wrists and hold her until she has calmed down.

Sorry, probably not a lot of use, but just wanted to let you know that others have been through and have come out the other side. I too found no support available, although the best place was the school. They offered a counsellor who was very good and very used to horrible teenagers! Worth asking if your DDs school has a similar person, or even just a teacher who DD relates to who may be willing to listen to her and give her a bit of time!

Keep posting here so that we can hand hold when needed!! (or pm if you like)

Dont know if its much help but it sounds to me like your daughter feels she's ready for the big bad world and feels that you are stopping her. I work with teenage girls and come accross this to a greater or lesser degree quite often.
However like you said if you give her an inch she'll take a mile. Firstly I would speak to your DH and explain that unless you provide a united front this is going to keep on happening. Secondly if she wants to be treated like an adult then do it. She will have to pay 60% of her income toward rent food and bills etc but explain this to her in terms of "we recognise that you are growing up and need more adult responsibility" tell her you are proud of what she has done so far but now the hard work begins.
Finally I know that this is going to be very contraversial and I agree that we all want to prevent our children from losing their innocence too young but ulitmately the more you try to stop her from sleeping with this boy the more she will want to. I would again have a very adult conversation with her along the lines of "I personally feel that you are too young for this (give your reasons) however you feel that you are ready and I respect how you feel (note respecting how she feels is not the same as agreeing with it)as an adult you have to make some adult decisions" discuss contraception the last thing you need is for an immature little girl to then have baby.
She is pushing to be allowed to grow up so let her but make sure you are open an honest with her all the way. She wont respond to it immediately and it will take time but stick with it.
Another agency that may be able to help is the education psychology team or maybe even the youth offending team. Explain to them about the police incident and the violence and they may be able to offer some guidance.
Sending you big hugs and hoping for the best

my dd is 14 and in a similiar position right now. we have a CAF report done by the school,waiting on the outcome now. no idea if it will be of any use though.

i also find the only thing which works is the promise of a treat......a sleepover this weekend,so i know (or hope) that she will get through the week with positives on her school report. today,if report is in any way negative,then she doesnt watch 'eclipse' tonight with the rest of us......all small thingsbut things she can work towards......i even have incentives in mind which will be used as and when.

i also find hiding her shoes helps when she's threatened to walk out when grounded. recording her vileness and swearing then playing it back when she's calm,exercise,works off some agression/anger/frustration. shared interests,dd and i geocache together and are taking up running in the new year. she's looking forward to that. i see the old dd back for a while when we are having fun together

this is hard to work in as i'm a lone parent to 5,so its really hard work. but really,its a case of persevering and remembering it wont last forever

we dont have the boyfriend issue,but her friends mum does,and has dealt with it by having him round there house and making a big effort to ge to know him. dont know f thats an option for you?