So I am a failed parent and called 999 on my dd13

[babalon]

After about 18 months of barely holding on to control of dd13 I have finally lost it completely and admitted defeat.

There are hundreds of examples that I could give to put you in the picture shoplifting, running out when grouded, swearing at all levels, no effort at school dispite being v bright. Give an cm she'll take 10 miles.

So friday she came home from school previously she'd had her phone confiscated at school for using it in lessons. Friday I wanted to know where her brothers phone was (he's 11 has a very basic phone for when he's up the park playing footie) and he couldn't find it.

I asked where it was she denied all knowledge so I sat at bottom of stairs and waited for her to replace it in his bedroom. Predictably she went to put it back so I said what are you doing? she denied everything dispite having said phone in her hand. I went up to her and told her to give me the phone she refused and said she'd remove her new sim card and delete all messages.

I took it off her anyway.She went mental and followed me down stairs grabbed my hair hit me punched me in the head ffing and nblinding my 4 yr old ran out and tried to protect me she very nearly picked himup and flung him! At this point I pushed her in the kitchen and held the door shut then dialed 999 to report my 13 yr old daughter was assualting me.

4 policemen and 2 cop cars arrived. And with my agreement took daughter to the station with my husband.

I was scared for both me and more importantly my little boy.

When they were gone I looked at the text messages that had provocked such aa reaction and basically her boyfriend who is a 16 yr old colledge student and her where planning to have sex this weekend.

I text my dh this and he told the police. I also text the boy and said

I suggest you back right off you are planning to have sex with a 13 yr old child. it is against the law and rape and I will have u charged. If you actually love her then let her be a child and keep you're penis well away from my little girl

I had to do a night shift and slept till 4 the next day dh said he'd let her go and talk to this boyfriend for half and hour whilst dh was up town. But after 1 hr hadn't appeared so dh dialled 999 again thinking the sex/rape was in progress. She turned up 1.5 hr late

had another night shift last night and just feel dazed confused. almost certain social services will be intouch regarding my other two children. I can't beleive my 13 yr ols thinks she can beat shit out of me knowing I can't hit back

I'm an A &e nurse I meet violent people every day but I have sercurity there and I'm more scared my own child than what any of them can do to me!!!! I'm also mad at dh who let her go for even 30 mins after fridays incident

Sorry if I've missed the answer to this already, but has your daughter always had problems with behaviour, or is it a fairly new thing?

Thanks for all your advice and support.

I actually feel and look ill just due to stress I think. She hasn't learnt a thing!

yesterday my sons phone had gone missing again! D had it gave it to me minnus another sim card she's got from somewhere and then she spent from 5pm to 1am trying to sneak into ds's room to find the phone again. We have said she can speak to the boyfriend landline to landline but she hasn't.

I've said she can have her phone back when she has been without a phone for 1 week and everytime I find her with a mobile that week will start again.

Going up to the school later.

I am worried that they will put the boys on at risk register they were very quick to get dates of birth and schools etc.

The only thing she's really said to me is 'I want a camera for christmas' I can't bring myself to buy her anything wish santa was real then he'd just give her coal for being so vile

I'm sure you are ill, Babalon. I disagree completely with Maryz's post, and repeat that your dd needs to be somewhere where she can be supported and cared for, not reported to the police every time she expresses her anger. There are state boarding schools which you could get her into quite easily if you and the authorities involved with her push for it. But foster care would also give her a safe environment to grow up in. She is very young indeed. Other posters on here are talking about older teenagers - 13 is only just teenage. She is doing a very effective cry for help; someone needs to hear her.

Zalachenko, I agree that the stress might very well be making Babalon unwell, but I do not think that putting a 13 year old into foster care or sending her off to boarding school is the long term problem. Won't that just make her feel unwanted and unloved? If she is crying out for someone to hear her, being sent away will multiply the issues. I know there are a lot of lovely foster carers who would do everything possible to help, but that route can also go horribly wrong!!

If she is starting to act like a teenager at 13, then maybe she will have a rebellion now and calm down and gain maturity younger than those who go through it later. My DD3 started acting up at about that age and is now a mature, caring 16 year old. DD1 was later.

Sorry, long term solution, not long term problem!!

I think she would feel both wanted and loved in foster care or at a boarding school which valued her. I think she is at grave risk of being criminalised if she stays at home.

I can't believe that people think reporting a child to the police, or worse still, taking her to a police station, is acceptable. At 13! And all this talk of the Youth Offending Team - do people know what youth offending institutions are like?

Is it possible to supervise her 24 hours a day, ie drop her off at school and pick her up afterwards and don't let her out of your sight in between? Because if she is at risk of having sex with this boy and others, and is shoplifting and gawd knows what else, she is going to be getting up to even worse before long. She'll be getting a reputation as a slag, and a bad girl generally, and the only people who will want to hang around with her are the nasty ones you want her to keep away from.

And yes, get her and yourself every kind of help there is. What a horrible situation for you all Your DP MUST support you, that is probably the most important thing.

Just to clarify the youth offending team are a group of police, educationalists, psychologists etc who work to prevent children going into youth offending institutes and to help rehabilitate them if they do go in and help them find the way back to normalilty not just arresting and locking up every child they come accross. They cannot put a child into a young offenders institute only a judge can do that and even then with great reluctance. I thought they might have some advice for this poor lady not that she should just hand her daughter over to the authorities.
The violence needs to be addressed but the question that has to be addressed is why is the child reacting in such a way. I am not saying the youth offending team will have the answers I just thought they might have sime suggestions since their policy is to prevent things like this getting out of control. Other than that possibly domestic violence organisations would have some help.
This girl while being a child in your eyes very much believes herself to be an adult inh her own eyes. I agree that she is not and needs to be protected but she also needs to be guided through this phase by adults who can show her that being an adult is not about doing what you want to but about knowing what your responsibilities are.
I am speak from both professional and personal experience on this. I was a total tearaway teen. I got into vast amounts of trouble I wont go into the details but I was not dissimilar from this case. I believed that I knew what was right for me and hated my mum for interfeering. I am now a responsible grown up and haven't been in trouble since I left home. I now work with teens with behavioural issues and come accross this same attitude time and time again. What I needed was my mum to allow me to make mistakes while at the same time laying out what my responsibilities were both to myself and to my family.
We need to be wary of trying to tell our children what to do rather than providing them with guidance. They will make mistakes but part of growing up is learning from them.
I totally agree with provinciallady in that the most important thing is getting your partner to support you and to provide a united front.

((((Hugs)))) my friend is dealing with similar behaviour from her 14 year old DD. I only have experiences of DSs, but just wanted to add that at boarding school, DS1 started a drug habit that he has found very difficult to break.

Well said Mary

Zalachenko, can I ask you something, but it is really NOT meant in an aggressive way. HAve you any teenage children who have been a bit of a PITA? just wondering.

Hi Babalon
I know exactly what you are going through, last Thursday I too had to call 999 to report that my 13 DD was assaulting me. She came down stairs wanting to watch tv at 10.00 pm I was recording 2 programmes at once, daring to say no, she got all abusive and defiant. When I went to confiscate laptop, she started pulling my hair out and elbowing me in the back between shoulder blades. I had to ask my 8 yr old son to ring 999 as DH was away. They came and cautioned her but now has a record of common assault. DD has a social worker, CAHMS worker, connexions and other counselling, still nothing appears to improve, we have had an awful 18 months of her behaviour, ground rules often do not work and if they do they only work for a little while. New rules have been implemented. School is just as bad, lack of effort there too. SW told us that they cannot change her behaviour it is down to me and DH to try and bring her around. SW felt that taking all non essential items out of her room might be the answer and she has to work to get them back. DD relies on us for pocket money and now she has to earn this by doing chores or the consequences is loss of money at the end of the week. I too feel that we have failed, sometimes I feel that we need respite care, but SW stated that they do not do this and putting her in care might mean we would not get her back. Awaiting on a case conference now to see where we go as physical assault is not acceptable. DH usually bears the brunt of her anger and yes it is very frustrating when sometimes all you want to do is give them a good slap to bring them back in order. when I was growing up and was rude/naughty we got a smack and it never did us any harm, but things are not like that these days, more the pity. I have rang parenting line before and all I got was you need to listen to your child. All I can say is this, keep going. SW and I went through this together:-
What does she need. Safety - Give her a safe place to live, phone to call if needed in emergency. Rights - She has a right to have food, make sure there is food in the cupboard, basic clothing, Choice and control - this is hard, but DD has the choice on how her room is kept (usually a pig sty and that's being kind) Choice - on whether she eats her food that is put in front of her, frinds etc. Control - her own choices, how she wants to spend her money, who she spends time with. Dignity - self image is important so must leave hairdryer and straightners in place. Love - an ear to listen to.

May work may not, everybody is different, trying to look positive so here's hoping, chin up and you are not alone.

I need to start by saying that half the time I don't know what I am doing but a few years ago my son was biting, kicking and hitting me. Not entirely sure why, lots of issues, including the recent death of a relative and I just held him tight until he stopped fighting me.

I realise this probably won't help but I wanted to at least try .

I have no experience of what you are going through Babylon as my dc are little, but just so sorry to hear this .

The only other suggestion I have to add is to try and find a parenting teens course (what you've done is understandable, but pool ideas and get suggestions) - our local childcare centre runs them, maybe her school can point you in the right direction, I hope they were helpful today.

Toomanytimes - that bit at the end was great - Safety etc. Of course to teenagers the Control bit is the most important,very closely followed by image (Dignity). The rest of the things should be really useful to anyone reading this thread

I'm really sorry to hear that toomanytimes' dd has a record of common assault at 13, and I honestly think other people need to do their best to keep their dds from acquiring similar criminal records. There is a (documented) danger of parenting forums like MN not being at all helpful when it comes to these matters.

There are many, many RL organisations which will help families in trouble. Most adults will drop everything to help a child in real distress. Any church, mosque or synagogue would help, whether or not the family were believers, it doesn't matter. Your MP would help. Your local councillor would most certainly help, and can make the school and social services jump as well. The school has a duty to help. That's without talking about the GP, and all the local medical services. Why not take her to the nearest walk-in medical centre next time she's distressed, instead of a police station? You will certainly get social services out that way.

Education is a great way out of a horrible life for many girls, and the state boarding schools are excellent and geared up for this kind of thing. Your local councillor or MP will certainly be able to do the research for you. You've said she is bright, so that is a terrific start, and will motivate them to do their best for her.

Its not easy being a parent to teens .....Ds1 is fab and has never given us any trouble -I have a lot to do with local teens and I actually help some families with their teens - yet ds2? hes v v difficult.

Your certainly not alone and its certainly no reflection of your parenting.

No advice im afraid im sharing yours ....but I have valium (actually I really do).

I repeat, local elected representatives like local councillors and MPs are precisely there to make sure people - and most especially children - in the community they serve do not suffer.

What should be more of a priority for them than that? Add your child to their case load and I can absolutely guarantee that they will make things happen for you. Including places at state boarding schools.

It is a different matter where a family doesn't want to accept help.

Zalachenko

yes, it should be a priority but out here in the real world what you suggest is simply not available to help people in these nightmare situations with their big kids.

I called 999 earlier this year on a violent DS and it was helpful because it startled him enough to actually ask for more help for himself - which was then more forthcoming.

Parents get very, very little support.