I really need help - DN is coming home in a minute and I can't imagine what I should say to him.

[mamateur]

I had a call from the school to say he has been causing low-level disruption pretty much constantly for weeks, rudeness, sent to exit room etc. then today there was an altercation with another boy and a teaching assistant was heavily shoved.

We only got DN a few weeks ago - I have done lots of posts, orphaned, brought up by granny till he got too much, chose to come to us after problems at his school/falling out with his friends.

What on earth do I say? I have disabled his computer (life support machine) and DP is on his way home. We have an appt with the teacher tomorrow (with DN).

I suppose we should ask him to explain himself as far as possible. Feeling very out of my depth and just so so so disappointed in DN.

i think the puter is the right way to go - buy beyond that its clearly an outward sign that hes got serious issues, i think counselling or therapy is the way to go. just shouting or nagging a kid who has a dead mother and who has moved out of his home isn;t going to do much good other than reinforce his belief that he is an appendage to your family imvho

Keep calm, keep cool.

Allow him to give his side of the story, Listen.

Ask him why he feels being rude, pushing helps? what are the triggers and how other people feel when they have suffered that behavior. If he can identify triggers than see if you can find a way to deal with them - getting out of a situaiton before you get in it. Walk away - just get physically out of the situation.

The low level disruption is probably him just trying to fit in - be the class clown etc.

This is a boy who has had a lot to cope with already in life. Show him that you believe in him. New school - always hard to settle in when you come in as a complete new boy and he has to find where he is in the pecking order.

I would be asking whether counselling available at school, if he can have an older mentor.

Yes perfectly "normal" behaviour under the circumstances. Think I remember your posts before he moved in....

Apart from school, how is he settling in with your family? I agree he probably would benefit from talking to someone outside the family & he probably doesn't have any local friends he would feel comfortable with yet...

Above advice good. You can use this as an opportunity to help him rather than be furious with him. He needs support and you need to show him he will get it from you. That doesn't mean that you can't talk through and discuss what was not acceptable etc.

THanks, we've had an initial talk. The problem is, if it was just normal classroom disruption I would feel differently. But shoving a TA? I am furious and I feel he needs to know that.

Anyway, we asked him to explain what happened - he just said nothing, he was just talking etc. So we mentioned the incidents the teacher described and he said other children do far worse and it doesn't matter etc.

We talked generally about how we didn't expect him to be perfect but he had to respect other people. He's crying in his room now. I said he has to write a letter of apology to the TA and take it with us to the meeting tomorrow. He doesn't like that one bit. Similar happened with granny but he refused to go the meeting (felt poorly so i expect we'll have to drag him round there sulking.

We will attempt a family dinner tonight.

I feel terribly sorry for him. I think he is pushing the boundaries to see if you reject him. He feels rejected because his mother left him [by dying] and then he got too much for his granny. He has anger issues, clearly, who wouldn't? I think every time he does this kind of thing it must be met with discipline, but also with lots of love. And I think maybe he needs bereavement counselling. Has he ever had any?

Have you considered family therapy? Not just for issues but just a safe place where you can say stuff and DN can too. It may just help to head off any really difficult stuff.

I would be tempted to pop a note under his door saying he's an important and much loved member of your family and you're there if he needs to talk about anything. I would also include child line number if he'd rather talk to someone else.

And for you there's parent line.

Posie, I have an appt with a family therapy centre tomorrow. Just for DP and I to talk about the change etc. DN can be included later but he is vehemently opposed to any mention of counselling but we will try and use this incident to lead him towards it. During our chat although both clearly cross we made clear we wanted him with us and saw a happy future for our family.

The fact is he behaved dreadfully today and I don't think we'd be doing him any favours if we let him off the hook. Granny always pleaded his special circumstances but I don't think we should be soft because he's an orphan.

He has had a loving, stable upbringing and has no memory of any other time. We don't actually know how much of an issue it is for him and we might never know, sadly. But I want to produce a happy functioning adult so we have to follow a line (although we will keep offering counselling). He is definitely aware of the impact him being an orphan has on others and how it can be used. He still has to take responsibility for his actions.

I feel sorry for the TA getting shoved when she's doing her job! He won't get his computer back till he apologises and we establish some rules for his behaviour.

Thanks for all your support, we're going to talk to him more later. We are absolutely committed to being positive with him.

I think that's a fabulous course of action, you sound lovely.

How did it go mamateur?
You do seem to be saying and doing all the right things.

hello inthesticks,

Well we went for a meeting at the school with DN and two of his teachers. It emerges he's been behaving very badly in all his classes, mainly just talking and refusing to do as told. Then a few days ago he was messing around with a friend, the TA got inbetween and got shoved. Pretty bad.

It also turns out he hasn't been doing his hwk, and we've been faithfully asking him every evening, looking at his planner and in fact we have an appt coming up to see his teacher to work out why he never seemed to have much hwk and what he had was so easy. I suggested and they agreed we should be in closer contact, they are going to let me know all major homeworks (from their classes and least) and memo other teachers. We then supervise and if he does well he can earn some kind of rewards. If things don't progress this reward will just be computer game time. He agreed to all this.

I said he can't have his computer cable back till he has apologised properly to the TA. So last night he made dinner and was all sweet and nice, then later on asked me for the cable back. I said no. He stomped off really angry!

We also agreed with the school that he doesn't get treated any differently because of his background, as frankly he's been milking it for years - we will always deal with it but as a separate issue to his behaviour.

One problem is he's been put in a remedial class for English so the standard is very low. THey said the small group would help them assess him. Now he's made friends there and lied to us and said he found the work really hard. DN gives me a run for my money at scrabble and drags me to the bookshop at least once a week. He doesn't want to move out of that class.

He doesn't want to move out of the class because he feels safe there. Don't make an issue out of him being in the wrong group there until he feels safer and more stable at school.

You need to keep calm and and remain firm. Working in partnership with the school is essential (and it sounds as if you have a good relationship with them). Teenagers are moody, and the trying to get around you with dinner, and then stomping off thing, sounds very very normal.

Just do remember as well as being firm you need to offer him love and kindness, don't overdo the being firmer than Granny bit. Take all the help and support you can get, you are saving the state a fortune.

But do try to see things from his point of view a bit. He is in a very scary place, and being a teenager is scary enough (their brains just don't work properly).

Good luck!

mama..you sound brilliant! im sure i replied on a post a while ago about school shoes for your dn?

i agree with all of the above! he's having a hard time, and probably having to fight for his place as the new boy in an established class....

leave him in his class for now.....give him a bit of time and security....

keep on as you are...you're doing a great job, and sound like a model parent!

Ah, just been flippant on your book thread! Sorry, didn't realise that's why he's computerless this weekend!

Hope you get things sorted.

My Mum's friend's grand-daughter went to live with her after her Mum died and they had a fair few months of upset, similar to what you're describing. Trouble at school, rebellion at home etc (at one point she turned herself over to SS and demanded to be taken into care etc etc)

She's a lovely 15 yr old now, sings in the school choir, has a great relationship with her Gran and everyone. Not sure when the turning point came, but it did come.

mamateur- you are doing a fab job. I think the main thing is that he needs to know that you love him and support him. I have a boy I teach who - on paper- i was dreading teaching him- but the reality is very different becuase his foster family have really worked with him and he is loads better than he was when the reports were written.

Do you get support from Social Services? I think that even if he doesn't want help that you and oyur dh should have help. This has been thrust upon you and you need help in how to manage the situation and help him with his feelings etc

Good Luck, you sound lovely xx

There is NO WAY I'm having him stay in that class. All he's doing is mucking around and having a laugh - the level is incredibly low and the teacher (we met her) did not strike me as having much ability to inspire. Of course he wants to stay there - it's easy. DN likes easy, unchallenging situations and avoids everything else like the plague. I really don't like the fact that he would deliberately dumb himself down to avoid any kind of challenge. I'm going to supervise his homework and they have said if he gets a couple of hwks that show his ability he can move into a proper group. It's not that it's just a low stream, it's a remedial class. ..

Also, the school is in central London, there are kids joining and leaving all the time, so he has said he doesn't feel at all 'new'.

Mummytime I see the punishment of losing his computer game as a complete thing, I would never be in a bad mood with him. For a start, my home is a happy place. Last night we played with hilarious DS, DN and I made a little film of him for granny plus he made his favourite dinner. We went out for a drink later on and gave him a laptop to watch tv (we don't have a tv). So not too mean!

Echoing Bucharest

• DS's best friend lost his mum at 13 (died in front of him at a party); dad an alcoholic waster. Went to live with his 19 year old half-sister; too much for her got taken in at local private school (for free - is a charity). Sister couldn't cope in holidays, got passed on to his aunt/uncle.

Did behave badly at the start - felt he had to establish his rough comprehensive personality in a private school full of middle class conformists! - but with consistent support and highish expectations from school, aunt/uncle, friends' parents he is now absolutely lovely.

So in a nutshell - teenagers are a tough, longish haul but they mostly do grow out of it and good support can work wonders.

Grit your teeth: it won't be a smooth ride.

I'm not accusing you of being mean. Although I am mean to my own teenager from time to time.

Just in the heat of the situation it can be hard to stay reasonable. Teenagers are hard work, and you are very brave and doing a great thing it taking on a troubled teen.

I would go softly, actually getting him to do his HWk for a bit will help. And make it clear to him the easiest way to get him off your back is to get HW done and to be polite etc. at school. Do also try empathy, try to get him to understand how the TA might feel (also pointing out how little they are paid often gets teenagers to feel sympathetic to them).

Good luck!

It sounds like you a doing a great job mamateur, tackling the behaviour stuff head on whilst showing him that you are going to be there for him. Good luck with it.

Mummytime, I know . With DN because I don't really know him very well, I find it very easy to be calm. In the meeting yesterday I was very calm and gave DN lots of opportunities to say what he wanted. If I had brought him up I would have been weeping in exasperation but I see him as a project, in the nicest possible way..

Much of the time he acts like he can't stand me, but I am the one who's prepared to take him to four shops to get the right colour paint for his model or whatever, I'm the one who will give him some responsibility for choosing his food shopping, making dinner, trying new recipes. He needs me and he knows it!

Thanks Maryz. I'm now in close contact with the school and will supervise his homework much more closely. I've got him to agree to ask for our help. I'm hoping he'll do something well, like the feeling and be inspired to do more. Maybe on a small scale at first.

We were just talking and wonder about offering him 4 new computer games (that A LOT) if he gets himself moved up out of that group. It has to be a fairly big prize, but he'll start feeling the pinch now granny is on firm orders not to buy him anything. I'm torn really, I'd like him to work for purer reasons but I don't want to establish a habit and I really believe, as you say above, that if he can just get going he'll carry on, if only for the easy life.

I love the idea of unsolicited rewards - will definitely do that. His English teacher will send me the next main homework so we'll see what he does with that.

I've said if he comes to me with a piece of homework he was set in English over the past few weeks and either didn't do or scrawled, does it really well and is prepared to hand it in to his English teacher as a peace-maker for his bad behaviour in her class, he can have his computer back on Sunday evening. ALthough it's still contingent on him apologising to the TA first thing MOnday.

I just really want him out of that group. I think the teacher has just met him and thought, ok he's not very bright. He seems bright to me. DP is incensed because all his family are very very academic, all went to oxford or cambridge, so he feels it's unlikely DN is incapable of forming a paragraph to the liking of a remedial group teacher.