How can I help my suicidal teen?

[Janstar]

My DD1 (almost 14) took an overdose a few weeks ago. She spent 3 days in hospital and is fully recovered physically but still depressed.

Her depression stems (I think) from a number of things. The main one is her dad. We split when she was 4 and she used to see him regularly. But last Sept she told me he had a porno business on the internet. She had known for 2 years and discovered this when he sent her emails - accidentally or on purpose we do not know.

Subsequently we stopped both daughters from seeing him. He took us to court and last week we finally reached the end of the legal process with contact being denied. This is what she wanted, but she does not seem to accept that grief is a natural part of this.

She has been under a great deal of stress for various other reason recently - looking after me and DD2 and DS when I broke my leg in January, and various arguments with her friends. Eventually she developed a tendency to faint and vomit so often that she missed a lot of school. We went through all the medical checks with the GP and she was referred to a paediatrician. Before the appointment came up she took the overdose. Subsequently she saw the paediactrician and also a psychiatrist. Both recommended psychotherapy but she refuses to participate.

I have tried and tried to get her to talk to me but I think she just can't. I don't want to force her to a therapist as I was advised that it might do more harm than good. But I feel helpless because I don't have the training to know how to get her started with talking to me.

She bumbles along as best she can but I often find her crying. She can never explain why. We try to include lots of fun things in our life. She gets out quite a bit, with us and her friends. She helps at home and we do lots of things together.

Her physical symptoms have disappeared since the overdose but now she is suffering with sleeplessness.

I have a history of depression myself although I am over it now. But I really do understand and sympathise with her. However, I found talking was what I needed to do to heal. This evidently isn't something she is ready for, but I don't really know how to help her. I am terrified that she will try to take her own life again. Any advice or ideas would be gratefully received.

Sorry Janstar, I'm afraid I don't have any advice but I just wanted to sympathise and say that I am thinking of you.

Just wanted to say good luck. I cant help But I am sure someone will come online soon.

I suffered from depression as a child too (from age 11-16). I'm not sure what to say. Just be there for her. Be ready to listen without pushing her. Could you encourage her to write a journal or something - I always found that writing things down helped me to work out what I was actually feeling. Is there a trustworthy family friend who could spend time with her and be there to listen if she wanted it - without it looking like that person was watching her. I would never have spoken to my parents, but someone outside might be easier for her. What about encouraging her to do some kind of voluntary work on the weekends?

Hmmm, not sure if any of that is helpful, just thinking out loud really. I will have a think and try to post something more helpful later. In the meantime (((hugs))) it must be so difficult. Best wishes.

Janstar ... just wanted to say that I am thinking of you and wish that I could help in some way but this is not something I know much about .... I think that you are doing a great job and keep on doing lots of positive things with her. I believe that Depression in Teenagers is becoming more and more common ... have you thought about joining a support group ... not just for her but for you too so that you can both see that you are not alone??
Take care ....
Love ghosty xxxxx

i hope she gets well soon,thinking of you janstar
take care

I'm afraid I can't help either, but I was just thinking that if she won't go into formal psychotherapy, and she won't talk to you, maybe it would help for her to talk to someone similar to her (maybe a bit older - 17 or 20 or so) who has gone through a similar thing to her? Maybe someone who was helped by psychotherapy and could see that that avenue is open to her? I think that you getting in touch with a support group is a very good idea - and they may in turn be able to come up with someone who your daughter may feel able to talk to.
I do feel for you, I can't imagine how stressful and upsetting this must be for you. I would also add that the tendency to faint and vomit sounds to me like an eating disorder, which sadly I do have a good deal of personal experience of in my teenage years! And which again is all to do with self control and self esteem, so I'd keep an eye on that one as well.
Best of luck and I hope you get some better advice from other posters.

I really, really hope this doesn't make things worse, but..was it really, truly her decision to have no more contact with her father. I couldn't agree more that he seems an unfit person - I would feel exactly the same as you, but is it OK with her? I don't know what the answer is, but maybe she could phone him if she wants. I really don't want to be out of order here - I truly don't - but this is a terrible situation for you both. I think you should look for teenage support somewhere. Could you call the Samaritans and see what they suggest? IT seems more than she can cope with alone and the risk seems very real. Or maybe more went on with her dad than she will say? Oh, God, I don't know but I feel so much for you both. I think you need help and support too.

janstar, i am so sorry to hear this, and hope you get lots of helpful replies. good luck.

What an awful situation for you all Janstar. I have no advice but am thinking of you.

Aloha, it really was her decision not to have any more to do with him. I understand where you are coming from and felt it very important to ask her lots of questions about her real feelings.

Unfortunately I don't think she is properly in touch with her own emotions, something is hurting her deep down and she has buried it so far that she cannot identify it herself any more.

I don't think any more went on with her dad that I don't know about, I have questioned both girls about this. I dread to think if they had carried on going there any longer since DD1 is developing a lovely teen figure, has long blonde hair and big blue/green eyes... and her father dislikes women intensely and sees them as a kind of appendage to men.

It wasn't just discovering his 'business' activities that turned her against him. In general it was his vulgarity and bullying attitude that did it. I believe that kids can put up with most things, and they would have forgiven him for the porn if he had kept it separate from them and treated them as he should.

I like the idea of a support group - for me, not for her as she wouldn't agree to go. But I need someone to educate me as to what kind of questions and conversation I need to use with her to help her to open up.

I think the Samaritans are very useful with all things to do with suicidal feelings. I know they will certainly listen to you and maybe suggest support groups etc.

Really feel for you. Thinking back to my own teen days, are there any other adults/pref.youngish that she could be invited to stay by? Any godparents, aunts, etc who she might be pleased to be asked by for a weekend etc? Not that she;ll necessarily talk to them about it all, but jsut so she feels there are lots more supportive people who love her out there and who are removed from the immediate situation - that she can talk to generally?
thinking of you both.

Have ypou gone down the Counsellor route?
My step-sister is depressed and started self-harming and tried OD-ing too. She has various forms on therapy. I don't know if it's the answer but it seems to be doing something because she's stopped shutting herself out of our lives and is talking to us again at least.
We had to get her committed at one point, not suggesting you do that though, not ayt all.
But through that she was put into hospital and then a half-way home and part of the deal is you have to have therapy.

I'm so, so sorry for you, if only my tears could help though aye.

It's of no real use but you have my symapthy, my support and heres a massive hug. {{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}
I really hope you'll all be ok, soon.
Lots of love Janstar, from Thomcat xx

Janstar thinking of you and your dd. Lots of hugs to you both.
Has she a close relative or family friend she can talk to ? I know it has been mentioned by everyone but just reiterating it.TBH I dont think she will open up to you. Remember when we were teenagers I know I wouldnt of talked about my problems or feelings to my mum.Even though we encourage openess with our teenagers they do keep some things to themselves. I would try and get her to a therapist.As you say it may do more harm than good but IMO the problem might be brought out into the open and better than the "limbo" you are living at the moment. LOL to you and your family and hope everything works out well.

An organisation called Young Minds is concerned with child and teenage mental help and offers telephone help to parents and carers too. The number is 0800 018 2138.

Thanks for that Aloha - I will call sometime when she is out of the way. You seem to be amazingly resourceful with your postings.

DD is adamant that she does not want to talk to therapists, counsellors, etc. I have really tried to persuade her, explaining all the benefits of therapy, and how much better she would feel if she could identify her feelings and talk about them, but I have got to the point when I am nagging and I can't go on at her any more. I am afraid I am pressurising her too much.

I wish there were some relative or friend to fill the role, but my DH's family have disowned me and my own family is small and no one lives near enough to see her often enough. We moved to a new area 3.5 years ago and have made quite a few friends here but all the really good, old friends live too far away.

I worry all the time, am I giving her enough attention, am I smothering her? Should I let her get away with not doing chores etc so as to relieve the stress, then I worry that it is not fair on DD2 who is an angel and is always helping out. Should I try and make her talk or leave her in peace? Should I let her sleep or try and keep her in a routine? The night before last she says she did not sleep at all. Last night she fell asleep at 7 and did not wake till noon today. I just worry about every little thing cos I don't want to make a mistake and push her the wrong way.

I was a suicidal teen. So far removed from who I am today it's kind of funny.

I think a routine is a good thing for her, Janstar, as much as you can implement it without nagging at her. She needs structure to her day, things to vaguely look forward to. And if you do provoke her into expressing anger at you, that won't be a bad thing. She needs to get some feelings out of her head. Once they're out they can't eat away at her, any more. 14 is an awful age, anyway, never mind the extra c**p she's had to face.

Otherwise, talking to other teens who feel Similar things is what would have helped me. Someone else to commiserate with. Have you asked your other DD what she thinks would help?

I was depressed teen - dad died when I was 14, and my brother was a drug addict. Mostly what helped me was growing up, but that's not helpful to you right now. FWIW some things which helped me as follows: getting drunk and talking about my feelings with friends; writing poetry; staying with my gran (unconditional, unjudgmental love); talking informally with a family member with experience of counselling. All of these things just happened and I remember them now as making it all easier. I don't think anything you could have suggested to my 14 / 15 / 16 year old self would have sounded like a good idea to me, in fact I probably would have rejected it just because adults don't understand. Does your dd have aspirations for the future you could focus on eg studies / a particular field of work ? maybe that would be a way of gently guiding her in the right direction. She needs to have hope and focus on the future I think. Time will heal, but when you're in the midst of depression this is impossib;e to understand / believe. Janstar very very best of luck with your dd, I hope she can find a light at the end of the tunnel. Love and hugs x

No advice Janstar, just wanted to wish you luck in dealing with this.

Thanks everyone for you support. The advice from those who have been there before is just the kind of thing I was looking for. Tomps, Zebra, the insight you are giving is so helpful. I was depressed as a teen myself, but never suicidal. The problem is I never got the help I needed while I was a teen, it came later in my life. So what I imagine might have helped me when I was there is just that - imaginary!

I think I would have loved my mother to be supportive and listen to me, but since she wasn't I don't really know whether in practice it would have worked. Stories from people like yourselves who did find helpful strategies are the kind of pointers I really need.

My mom smothered me, even when she tried to help.

I was thinking, janstar not that I'm an expert Does your DD suffer from low self-esteem? I was bullied & very low self-regard was the core of my depression; it took many years to get the rubbish beliefs out of my head, and I still have weird "issues". If your DD says anything rubbishing herself, she needs someone to call her on it and tell her otherwise, but probably can't be you -- it will mean more coming from someone else. Don't ask me why, guess that's just a teenager thing to dismiss as worthless anything your own parents say!

I felt my dd was getting better and better recently and was often appearing to be her sunny self of old. But I have just found out she has been having virtual sex with strangers on the internet. I plan to talk to her later today. Any advice gratefully received.

Poor you Janstar. How are you feeling?

Janstar, you must be worried sick. Has she gone to counselling yet? I know you were going to try and send her but she didnt want to know, has she changed her mind?