How can I help my suicidal teen?

[Janstar]

My DD1 (almost 14) took an overdose a few weeks ago. She spent 3 days in hospital and is fully recovered physically but still depressed.

Her depression stems (I think) from a number of things. The main one is her dad. We split when she was 4 and she used to see him regularly. But last Sept she told me he had a porno business on the internet. She had known for 2 years and discovered this when he sent her emails - accidentally or on purpose we do not know.

Subsequently we stopped both daughters from seeing him. He took us to court and last week we finally reached the end of the legal process with contact being denied. This is what she wanted, but she does not seem to accept that grief is a natural part of this.

She has been under a great deal of stress for various other reason recently - looking after me and DD2 and DS when I broke my leg in January, and various arguments with her friends. Eventually she developed a tendency to faint and vomit so often that she missed a lot of school. We went through all the medical checks with the GP and she was referred to a paediatrician. Before the appointment came up she took the overdose. Subsequently she saw the paediactrician and also a psychiatrist. Both recommended psychotherapy but she refuses to participate.

I have tried and tried to get her to talk to me but I think she just can't. I don't want to force her to a therapist as I was advised that it might do more harm than good. But I feel helpless because I don't have the training to know how to get her started with talking to me.

She bumbles along as best she can but I often find her crying. She can never explain why. We try to include lots of fun things in our life. She gets out quite a bit, with us and her friends. She helps at home and we do lots of things together.

Her physical symptoms have disappeared since the overdose but now she is suffering with sleeplessness.

I have a history of depression myself although I am over it now. But I really do understand and sympathise with her. However, I found talking was what I needed to do to heal. This evidently isn't something she is ready for, but I don't really know how to help her. I am terrified that she will try to take her own life again. Any advice or ideas would be gratefully received.

Oh Janstar - that's fab. That bit about saying she wasn't taking her feelings further becasue of you just made me cry instantly - gave a strange sob/ gasp behind my computer. I'm so pleased things are going the right way. You sound like an amazing mum - you're very lucky to have each other.
God this has made me So emotional, I'm all teary! I'm really so happy for you and I pray it continues all the way. Good luck and lots of love - TC xx

What a vote of confidence Janstar.

It sounds as though it went as well as you could possibly have hoped - especially that DD has agreed to go back because it is obviously going to be a very long process. Well done you and DD.

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Thanks all of you.

Boe!! Why the name change? dd is being given the choice of whether anyone accompanies her while she is talking. The whole family can go if we want. We have explained to her that she might be less inhibited in talking if she goes in alone, but at the moment she wants me with her.

She was way down again this morning. It was hard but I made her go to school. I just hope she is in a better mood when she gets home.

I suggested going to visit my aunt (who was widowed in the summer) at the weekend, but she doesn't want to go as she thinks it will be boring. My aunt is a lovely easy-going person and very concerned for dd, so I have told her we are going to see if we can go and that I want her to come. Do you think I have done the right thing? I feel she needs to be taken out of herself sometimes, IYKWIM.

Janstar I think that is a REAL vote of confidence from your daughter that she wants you with her.I have a very uncommunicative daughter and because I was the same with my mum and think I understand how she feels, I don't push her to tell me things. I would be so happy to hear my daughter say that. You really are a star.

Janstar, like GRMUM, although my daughters could never be described as uncommunicative, I would be very happy if one of them wanted me to be there for something like this - you are doing everything right for her!

Don't know what to suggest about the weekend - could you put it to her that she would be making your aunt feel better if she went? Doing something nice for somebody else? If she really really won't go, is there something else that she would like to do to take her out of herself?

Janstar-really p..ed off! Just added a long message of support etc and the b....y thing hasn't printed! Anyway, jist of it was hang in there, I have a 13 year old and he's a problem but your daughter has loads of extra problems and when do you or you other daughter'dp/dh get a break? If you e-mail me (or phone 'cos it's easier) then I can't promise to help, but I'll listen. LOL

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Thanks all, and Jollymum, I will remember what you said. Twinkie, it can't be true! Will there be a new custody thread so we can keep up?

I phoned Aunt this morning and have arranged to visit tomorrow while dh is at the b**y wedding (some of you know what I mean from the MIL thread!) I hope it will help dh but it will certainly help me as it will keep my mind off what conversation dh might be having with his parents.

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I think she knows. She knows I am addicted to mumsnet and she knows my nickname. Don't have to be Einstein to work out the rest. What happened on friendsreunited?

Janstar, how are things going?

Thanks so much for asking, I have to go out now, will post this afternoon.

Hi Janh, good of you to remember my dd. Nothing much is happening at the moment, the clinic called me again and made another appointment (for Monday) but they only want me there this time. I guess they might want me to give them the background before dd starts her counselling. I haven't told her as she will only fret.

But she seems a lot happier. She doesn't think she is but I can see the bleak times are getting fewer and further between. We are off on holiday soon and I think the thought of that cheers her up. And she seems to be beginning to find joy in everyday things again. She is eating like a horse. All signs good for now.

"beginning to find joy in everyday things again" - how lovely, Janstar! It does sound as if she's climbing out of the pit. The holiday should be a huge help in taking her away from everything for a bit. That's such good news, I am glad!

Glad things are getting a bit easier for her and you all Janstar It must be very worrying for you at times.

Just checking on how things are going, Janstar, and so pleased to see things look more hopeful. How was your meeting? Where are you going on holiday?

Thanks for remembering, Copper.

It was as I thought, the doctors wanted me to fill in the background for them so that they could better decide on the correct way to help dd. Also this meant they could avoid getting her to go through everything. Since she is finding it difficult to open up, perhaps they will be able to prompt her now that they know the history.

I told the (two female docs) dd's story from when she was a little girl to now, and at the end they had tears in their eyes. They said they definitely want to help her, if she can be persuaded to let them.

At this stage I think she has decided to try. So hopefully she should be able to benefit from being there. She has an appointment for Fri 24th.

In everyday life, she is still gradually approaching her old self. We were talking this morning and she is still experiencing difficulties with her friends. The difference now is that she is taking positive steps by inviting new friends over, and becoming less dependant on the old ones.

She has begun to use our workshop and is trying her hand at a bit of sewing at the moment, as well as helping her little brother with his playdough and cutting.

We are going to Tenerife in a few days' time. We all need a holiday and we hope this will be a time for all of us to relax and refresh ourselves.

Really glad too, Janstar, and hope things continue to be on the up.

Im glad things are getting somewhere for you janstar, hopefully this will be the begining of some more positive times. Have a good holiday you deserve it

This does sound good, Janstar. Hope you have a wonderful time

janstar, so glad things are looking more positive. Fingers crossed for the counselling. Your first post upset me dreadfully as my daughter is the same age as yours and has had to deal with similar things (re: her father and his antics) and I just did not know what to say to you as there but for the grace of somebody .... (IYKWIM) Anyway, hope you all enjoy your holiday Wx

janstar, so glad things are looking more positive. Fingers crossed for the counselling. Your first post upset me dreadfully as my daughter is the same age as yours and has had to deal with similar things (re: her father and his antics) and I just did not know what to say to you as there but for the grace of somebody .... (IYKWIM) Anyway, hope you all enjoy your holiday Wx