How can I help my suicidal teen?

[Janstar]

My DD1 (almost 14) took an overdose a few weeks ago. She spent 3 days in hospital and is fully recovered physically but still depressed.

Her depression stems (I think) from a number of things. The main one is her dad. We split when she was 4 and she used to see him regularly. But last Sept she told me he had a porno business on the internet. She had known for 2 years and discovered this when he sent her emails - accidentally or on purpose we do not know.

Subsequently we stopped both daughters from seeing him. He took us to court and last week we finally reached the end of the legal process with contact being denied. This is what she wanted, but she does not seem to accept that grief is a natural part of this.

She has been under a great deal of stress for various other reason recently - looking after me and DD2 and DS when I broke my leg in January, and various arguments with her friends. Eventually she developed a tendency to faint and vomit so often that she missed a lot of school. We went through all the medical checks with the GP and she was referred to a paediatrician. Before the appointment came up she took the overdose. Subsequently she saw the paediactrician and also a psychiatrist. Both recommended psychotherapy but she refuses to participate.

I have tried and tried to get her to talk to me but I think she just can't. I don't want to force her to a therapist as I was advised that it might do more harm than good. But I feel helpless because I don't have the training to know how to get her started with talking to me.

She bumbles along as best she can but I often find her crying. She can never explain why. We try to include lots of fun things in our life. She gets out quite a bit, with us and her friends. She helps at home and we do lots of things together.

Her physical symptoms have disappeared since the overdose but now she is suffering with sleeplessness.

I have a history of depression myself although I am over it now. But I really do understand and sympathise with her. However, I found talking was what I needed to do to heal. This evidently isn't something she is ready for, but I don't really know how to help her. I am terrified that she will try to take her own life again. Any advice or ideas would be gratefully received.

Wow, Janstar, you are a fabulous mum. I wish mine had been like you when I was a depressed self-hating young person, and I'm going to bear you in mind for future years; you really give me hope that adolescence can be negotiated and supported.

Just thought I should tell you that.

I'm just a mum doing her best, and certainly no saint, I fob off all childcare jobs I can on other people cos it numbs my brain, and I moan and whinge all the time. My kids' friends call our place 'chore city' cos I expect my girls to help with the housework. I do try and understand emotional problems though cos I know what it's like. It is a real boost to read these encouraging remarks, thanks everyone. If we relied on our families to assess us as mums I'd be handing mine straight over to social services, I think!

Janstar
what news?

Must admit I've checked in to this section every day to see if there's any news. Hope you're situation is 'stable' janstar if improving is too much to hope.

janstar, just seen your post, and wondered if it might help to find out what her best friends know and educate them a little about mental health. does she have one or two really close friends whom you know personally and could talk to? my teenage best friend died by taking an overdose at university and looking back, I realized she had had problems since we were teenagers which I had not understood the seriousness of and perhaps could have supported her better if someone had told me about depression, mental health, that she was taking medication, etc.

Thanks very much for asking.

Good point about her friends, yes, there is a problem there as there are still times when they try to 'cheer her up' and can't understand why she can't respond. They don't understand how long-term it is, well, who would at their age? I did talk to them when she was in hospital, and tried to explain, but when I told them it would take a long time before she felt better they might have been thinking weeks was a long time.

Sometimes dd seems her old sunny self, other times, like yesterday, she comes in from school, slumps in a chair, buries her head and cries. If you try to put your arms around her you get elbowed in the face. Not just me but ds and dd2 too.

The good news is that she has agreed to go to counselling. I had to try various gambits to get her to agree, but she did in the end, and we are going on Monday.

whoops, just seen this after posting on wedding thread. Glad to hear she has agreed to counselling after all your worry about whether to force the issue. We'll be keeping fingers crossed for you all. How does dd2 cope?

dd2 is an angel. I don't know how she does it, really. But she is very good at voicing it if she is worried about anything, and that way, we get a chance to find out what her needs are, and reassure her when she needs it.

Are you really a copper? Or do you have red hair or something?

Yesterday should have been the counselling. I organised someone to look after the younger ones and wrote to the school saying that I would pick the girls up early etc.

An hour before I was due to leave the clinic called and cancelled because the doctor concerned had been involved in a road accident. Apparently she is ok but a bit shaken and went home.

dd said she was fine about it but during the course of the evening seemed to get more and more grumpy and eventually argued with everyone. I tried to talk to her but could see she was going into a deep slump again and she said if she started to talk she would not be able to stop herself hitting everyone.

I tried to be there for her, but must admit I am getting very tired with it all now, and most of the time don't know what to say any more. dh and I have started arguing a bit because he thinks we should hassle her about things like keeping her room tidy. Plus there is all this stress from other quarters (like his family).

dd would not get out of bed this morning, says she did not sleep and is too tired and down to go to school. I let her stay home but I keep wondering if I should have made her go.

I am visiting a friend she likes today, so I am hoping that will cheer her up.

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Twinkie totally agree with your post.
Janstar if she would like an email friend I am sure my dd3 (shes 13 and a half) would email her and become like pen friends but through email.

Yes, Twinkie, I have spoken to her about the effect she is having on the rest of us, but she replies by saying we should just leave her all alone and then we wouldn't have to care about how she feels. She always spouts this illogical stuff and it is so hard to argue when you see how down she really is. I did tell her that it was not acceptable to make everyone else miserable. Her reply was that I didn't know how it feels to be so down you don't care about that any more.

In fact I do know, but when I was depressed I never allowed myself to take it out on other people.

But in the end I just keep thinking how sorry I would be about making her feel even worse if she was dead and I was thinking about what I had said to her. It's really hard to think her untidy bedroom or a day off school when I have that going through my mind.

Sorry I meant to say it's hard to think her untidy bedroom or a day off school really matters when I think those thoughts.

Thanks for the offer, doormat, but it probably wouldn't work unless your dd has been through so much awfulness that she would really understand the implications of a fully adult depression imposing itself on a 14 year old. dd is finding her own friends seem like stupid little kids to her at the moment.

I actually accused her of lashing out at everyone because she is desperate for us not to forget for one second that she is suffering. I believe this is part of it - I can't seem to get her to really believe that we do understand without her having to remind us every minute.

ok janstar, the offer is still open if she ever changes her mind

Janstar, wish I could say something helpful. It sounds trite in your DD's circumstances to mention that most 14-yr-old girls tend to lash out (verbally mostly) at their families and have messy rooms and be difficult to deal with anyway, but it is true - her depression on top of all that is a huge extra worry for you.

Might it make a difference if you backed off on the discipline a bit at the moment? I know it seems unfair on everybody to let her get away with the way she is behaving but as she really isn't "normal" at the moment you could make an exception...if you considered the depression as if it was a really painful broken leg - you would not then expect her to tidy her room and be pleasant?

It is such bad luck that yesterday's counselling was cancelled - glad the doctor is OK though and hope DD will be able to see her (or someone else) very soon. I have in the past suffered briefly from depression and know how hopeless everything seems - to have that at her age must be so much worse - I can't think of anything you could say to her that would help...how does she get on with her sister? Do they talk at all - or did they before all this? Might she be able to get through?

Hope you have a nice day with your friend.

dd2 does her best, beyond the call of duty but dd1 is foul to her.

Good news - the doctor just called and made a new appointment for tomorrow morning, so fingers crossed it will be a new start.

How did she react to that? She must have been really devastated yesterday - hope this gives her (and you) a lift!

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Hi Janstar - not having a teenager I don't come on this tread vry often but I have followed a bit of what's happebing with you and your daughter etc. Just wanted to send my love and say I hope things go well today - thinking of you - Thomcat xx

Janstar
I hope your daughter found the session at least a bit helpful - do you get any feedback from the doctor? Or is it all private between her and the doc?

I have a 15 yr old dd and have given up about tidy rooms. I think that bit is probably just her age. What teenager wants to tidy up?

Not a copper at all - I never thought of that when I chose the name. I was once mildly chestnut: if I chose now it would be steel!

Just a note to say thanks for your concern to me, when you're in the middle of all this. I really feel for you, you must feel so helpless, and that hurts

I hope this mornings councelling session went well. I don't expect it will be a miracle cure, just the start of a long journey, but at least you've got the engine started ¬!!!

Best wishes from me too. Having 2 teens I know that things can be a hassle at the best of times!

Thank you all for your good wishes, it means a hell of a lot to me.

This morning went okay, I thought. I was present throughout. This time we saw a female doc and I think dd felt more comfortable with that.

Although she did not talk much, and was still v. reluctant, it seemed to me she talked a lot more than she had on previous attempts. She also agreed to go back. Afterwards she said she had liked the doc, and that is a first.

When the doc asked her why, although she felt suicidal, she had not done anything about it (since her overdose), she said, 'because of my mum'. It was all I could do not to burst into tears, after all the times I have worried myself sick whether or not I am doing the right things, to hear her say that was the most wonderful feeling.

I have a very positive feeling. It is really early days, and I am sure we will have lots more difficult times with her, but today felt as if it might be the start of something better.