surrogacy has gone wrong
Lonuar · 19/09/2014 00:44
So, I decided to surrogate for my gay friends. I'm due in days.
Anyway we didn't go tonal clinic we just used one the home insemination kits and it worked 2nd month.
Ok so friends who baby it is (yes part mine too) he and his partner have been together 10 years own their house, one is a school teacher and my friend is a carpenter. Very stable life styles.
To the point, I didn't know this but they've been struggling with their relationship for 2 years and broke up last month. Well my friend is now moving out next week and is off back to his mother's. Well he asked if I can have the baby till he's sorted of course I said yes. Well I'm due in days... How can I give over a baby in a few months time when he has sorted himself out. I mean it's a baby and it'll (hate calling a baby it but we don't know the sex) be attached to me and I to it. I know as it's legal mother I have all rights to keep it.. Which I know my friend will understand as long as he can be daddy and that's all fine.
But Omg.. How the hell did this all happen.
I'm stressed and scared and suppose I've come here to see if anyone has been in this situation or has any words of wisdom?
Lonuar · 19/09/2014 00:48
I guess I'm just feeling overwhelmed and trapped at the minute. Like I've only just got my own business picking up and my daughters just started a new school and I have moved to a new house which needs a lot of work and now all a sudden I'm going to be a mummy again.. I guess Im feeling a little trapped into parenthood
Honeybear30 · 19/09/2014 00:51
Oh wow Lonuar I didn't want to leave you unanswered. Can't imagine how you're feeling, I really hope someone with surrogacy experience will be along soon to talk things through with you.
Tipsykisses · 19/09/2014 01:07
I'm not involved with surrogacy either but wanted to say hi & I hope you have real life support from friends or family ?
Do you have a birth partner & someone to help with dd when the new baby comes ?
Hope someone who knows about surrogacy can give you some advice soon xx
Isabeller · 19/09/2014 01:28
I have no experience of surrogacy (but have had donor egg IVF) so I realise I might have completely the wrong idea about your situation, apologies if so.
It seems to me that you are in a similar emotional situation to someone who finds out they are pregnant at a very late stage. ie A baby is about to appear and it is your responsibility. I imagine it must be a massive shock.
If it is possible can you concentrate on the here and now, just getting through the next days and weeks will be so demanding. Have you got RL support? I want to say none of this is your fault and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You have done a beautiful thing. With luck the Dad, and perhaps his Mum too, will step up to the challenge.
There was a great counsellor at the clinic where I had treatment, I can PM you her details if you like. She can do phone consultations.
I hope your friends are meeting your out of pocket expenses and plan to meet any additional expenses you're going to have as a result of their breakup.
Good luck x
Lonuar · 19/09/2014 15:19
Hi all, thanks for responding.
I don't really have any family and my support network with friends is small. But I've coped with my daughter on my own and I've done fine.
My friend (the dad, let's call him dave) dave is going to bring all the things he got for the baby here so I'll at least have clothes and moses basket etc. He said he will support me financially and emotionally as our friendship isn't effected by their breakup.
I'm going to be a full time mummy again and it's scary as I'm just not prepared. I'm due on Tuesday. I just feel upside down at the moment.
I want the best for this baby of course and if it means stepping up and doing it again I will do that. I just feel trapped I guess.
I just know there is no way I can give dave this child months down the line. I would never deny him his child but I couldn't be separated from my baby after raising it for months. I feel selfish for this.
I'm just so confused x
Caramelkate · 19/09/2014 15:35
I'm not a surrogate, but I do foster newborns, and handing them over is so hard - and this must be so much harder if you have carried and given birth. I think he has to take his responsibilities seriously and take the baby as planned or totally renegotiate. If it was a traditional pregnancy he wouldn't be able to leave the baby in hospital while he got sorted, he would have to deal with things. Those first months are crucial for attachment, and bloody hard work.
Take care x
quietlysuggests · 19/09/2014 15:46
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Stealthpolarbear · 19/09/2014 15:55
They may be breaking up and that's all very sad but they like all parents have a child to consider. A newborn. Their relationship issues will just have to wait. They have to drop everything for the baby they're about to have. It will be difficult. thats parenthood.
Stealthpolarbear · 19/09/2014 15:58
And if theyre seriously suggesting you look after the baby fir MONTHS (did I read that right) and thrn hand it over to strangers then they are not ready to be parents. Which I suspect is what the break up is about
Stealthpolarbear · 19/09/2014 16:02
In fact they're exactly the same as all the other scumbags who, when faced with and unplanned pregnancy, walk away and leave it to be the woman's problem. It's just there are two of them
MrSheen · 19/09/2014 16:03
If it wasn't for the split then would you want to hand the baby over to Dave and not be a parent?
Do you still want to do that.
IMO, hanging onto the baby for a few months while he soughts himself out (doing what???) is ridiculous. It's a baby, not an awkwardly sized china cabinet.
I think you have basically 3 options
2 Keep the baby and co-parent with Dave (may be tricky as he sounds like a dick)
3 Hand the baby over straight away as planned and let Dave step up, the same as he would have to if he was the one who was pg.
honeysucklejasmine · 19/09/2014 16:09
You poor thing! Why on earth can't he take the baby immediately? Does he have his mothers support?
hang on in there!
Stealthpolarbear · 19/09/2014 16:12
And if not, as other resident parents, he'll have to go somewhere else.
ihatethecold · 19/09/2014 16:14
What a dilemma!
I think there has been some great advice on here so far.
What do you feel in your heart of hearts about dave having the baby?
Do you want to co parent with him?
What about adoption, I think your kidding yourself that you will be able to hand the baby over in a few months if he ever comes good in his word.
Stealthpolarbear · 19/09/2014 17:16
Of course she can't hand the baby over to a stranger after a few months! If he wants to be a parent it's from the start, not when it suits him
AuntieStella · 19/09/2014 17:22
The other factor to consider is the likely impact on your DD.
You din't say how old she is, so it's not clear how much understanding she has of your pregnancy and how you have explained where the baby was intended to live. But it becomes far more complicated if her half-sibling does come home with you.
gamerchick · 19/09/2014 18:27
Could you put it up for adoption? It's not fair springing this on you after lying about the state of their relationship. Babies to keep people together (as this sounds as if it was) rarely work.
Viviennemary · 19/09/2014 18:32
It is your biological child too. I don't think it is fair of themto ask you to look after the baby for a few months and then hand it over. I think the law will state you are the mother as after all you are. Either make plans to look after it yourself or have it adopted. I wouldn't hand it over.
Itsfab · 19/09/2014 18:37
Dave clearly has NO idea baby's if he thinks he can just take him/her in a few months when he is "sorted." Ask him what that means, what will he be doing for the next few months that means he can take the baby in April but not now.
My instinct is that he will fuck off and not come back for the baby. He won't see him/her, pay for them or want anything to do with them. You need legal advice PDQ.
dolicapax · 19/09/2014 18:41
In your situation I would look seriously at adoption. There are so many stable loving couples out there who wait literally years and years to adopt a baby. 'Dave' isn't stable, reliable or even honest. He doesn't sound like someone I'd want to parent any child, let alone one I'd carried myself.
LynetteScavo · 19/09/2014 18:42
Well, it looks like you will be co-parenting with Dave, but Dave needs to pull his finger out and provide childcare while you continue to work and sort the house out.
I think Dave moving in for a while would be the best option.
TinklyLittleLaugh · 19/09/2014 18:43
So is the baby Dave's then, or could it be the other bloke's?
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