surrogacy has gone wrong

[Lonuar]

So, I decided to surrogate for my gay friends. I'm due in days.

Anyway we didn't go tonal clinic we just used one the home insemination kits and it worked 2nd month.

Ok so friends who baby it is (yes part mine too) he and his partner have been together 10 years own their house, one is a school teacher and my friend is a carpenter. Very stable life styles.

To the point, I didn't know this but they've been struggling with their relationship for 2 years and broke up last month. Well my friend is now moving out next week and is off back to his mother's. Well he asked if I can have the baby till he's sorted of course I said yes. Well I'm due in days... How can I give over a baby in a few months time when he has sorted himself out. I mean it's a baby and it'll (hate calling a baby it but we don't know the sex) be attached to me and I to it. I know as it's legal mother I have all rights to keep it.. Which I know my friend will understand as long as he can be daddy and that's all fine.

But Omg.. How the hell did this all happen.

I'm stressed and scared and suppose I've come here to see if anyone has been in this situation or has any words of wisdom?

Thanks

Deary me
I agree with the rest, if you don't want to be its mum, Davehas to step up and take it from birth, he's the mum, the intended parent anyway. Well, one of them. What about the other dad?

Eek. Did you talk through the legals before you got pregnant? I'm guessing you didn't draw up a contract? Did the gay couple agree to pay your expenses/compensate you for your time?

What a pickle. I wish you all the best.

I think it would be wise to talk the situation over with a family lawyer before the birth. Obviously one with surrogacy experience would be best. Things could deteriorate into dispute very quickly; Best to be ahead of the game.

You could discuss your options with social services.

if you choose to explore having the baby adopted, as the biological father, dave may be approached to see if he or another family member is prepared to adopt or care for the child.

I suspect there is no come back on the teacher as he has no biological or contractual relationship with you or the child.

If you choose to raise the child, please ensure that maintenance payments from Dave are in place from day 1 or ASAP afterwards; this may lead to shared residency down the line.

I'm surprised at the amount of suggestions that adoption will somehow be easier than handing baby over to it's father in a few months. Better for who precisely?

However irresponsible the two men have been, the biological father is currently offering financial and moral support to OP, not disappearing in to the sunset. Perhaps he will be flaky and float off when he starts dating again, perhaps he will step up and be an amazing Dad and baby will have two loving parents, however unconventional the set-up is.

For what it's worth OP I think you should have a long hard chat with the father and preferably the ex-partner and get a firm plan in place. Ideally get them to sign an agreement about how you move forward from here taking baby's best interests as priority number one, your best interests as number two.
I one hundred percent understand why you feel trapped, you agreed to do an amazing thing for 'friends' who have repaid you by behaving like selfish, irresponsible idiots. The most important thing is making sure you and baby are going to be as happy as possible with the new arrangements.
If you don't think that you can give up a baby after carrying it and then caring for it exclusively for months, but can't keep it because you would feel trapped and resentful then speak to you friend and their family to see how you can best support then taking baby immediately. If you can't and they won't then yes adoption should certainly be a consideration.

I hope you have some real life support OP, but I'm sure there are many of us here who will offer hand holding and support for whatever you decide

Financial and moral support to the op??
Surely it should be the other way around. He was meant to be this child's parent, she was just agreeing to bring it into the world

Actually is this as good as you get to the other way round of "I thought she was on the pill, she tricked me and got pregnant, I don't see why I should pay maintenance" argument some men have?
Only in this case the op isn't even just paying maintenance. The assumption is by most posters (and I can see why) is that she'll be the main parent. Or hand the baby over to a nice couple who want to adopt and presumably there'll be a mother in that couple to do the bottom wiping,

Why are you considering parenting this baby? The two people who wanted it should be coming to pick it up when it's born. If they don't, then why are you considering raising it?
Why on earth you didn't have a legal contract drawn up before hand is beyond me also, but you don't seem to have thought things through at all. Are you going to have a meeting with the two guys BEFORE this baby is born and ask them WHO is coming to the hospital to take it home?

Because it won't be you?

Sunflowers

The legalities of surrogacy in the uk are unclear; even if there was a contract, OP would still have parental rights as the woman birthing the baby until such time as she renounced them.

Also, OP has undertaken surrogacy for friends - which implies she would have had some ongoing relationship with the baby.

I can't see that plan working at all. He does know it's an actual baby on the way right not a puppy he can put off collecting when it suits.

You need to sit him down and lay it straight on the line and not be nice and polite saying yes he can run back to mammy to lick his wounds fgs.

Either he chooses to be a father or he doesn't
Tbh the very fact he thinks this is ok would ring alarm bells for me

I think you need to speak to these people

Dave is a dropkick and needs to either take the baby at birth. Parenting has to come before 'adult' issues like relationships. Silly, silly man. And the other dad too. You've been led a merry dance.

Sit him down, and dad 2, and tell them they have two options: a) no baby, ever. Or b) take baby at birth, institute the appropriate legal proceedings and sort out the custodymatters between themselves at their leisure.

Frankly though I wouldn't be handing the baby over because they don't sound mature or selfless enough to be parents.

Needs to take baby at birth or renounce baby.

You need advice, and quick, because you are going to have to make a decision about whether Dave is named on the birth cert as the father

Hi thanks everyone for taking time to reply.

Adoption is off the cards for me, I agreed to bring this baby into the world and I'll do what I can by it. I'm feeling very protective of the baby at the moment don't know if that's mother instinct there or if that's how I morally feel.
Dave wants me to look after the baby till he has his own place as his mother's isn't suitable for a baby. - It's the whole giving him the baby months down the line I can't do it.
Initially the plan was, I would give birth and the baby would be passed to them and I would step back for a few months and then be auntie until the child is old enough. I was to have involvement in the babies life as in the baby would know me extremely well.

The other dad, is all depressed at the moment and there no talking to him. He's going through the hate phase for dave and oh it's like talking to a 17 year old dramatic teenager.

I'm this babies mother. Whether I wanted to raise this baby or not at the beginning I choose to bring an innocent baby into the world, this is my responsibility that this child is being brought into this lifestyle. I have to put this right and give the baby a loving home. I have to - I have to take responsibility. There is no way in hell dave can remove this baby from me in 6 months time. We had no contracts and according to the family law UK people I spoke to they said this situation is no different to any other case where a typical couple break up before the baby comes, only in this case it's not the mother and father breaking up, it's the father and father breaking up leaving the mother with the baby.

I just wanna make sure I do the right thing here. The baby is mine and daves biologically. But I just feel I have to do everything to make sure whatever happens it's for the best interest of the baby.

My daughter is 4, she doesn't really understand. All she knows is there is a baby in mummy's tummy.

If his mothers isn't suitable for his child then he needs to make other arrangements
(Where on earth does she live, a brothel?)
If he can't see that then he's not fit to be a dad

I just read that and I want to clear the adoption statement up. Because I'm not against adoption if it's for the right reasons.

Personally... I can't adopt this baby out because I have no real reason to do except running scared of my responsibility for bringing a baby into the world because I was careless and thought I was doing a great thing for some friends.
Financially I can raise another child. I own my own company and have a good turn over each year I have some amazing staff and I know I can take a few months out things will be fine if I just do bits from home and my home is adequate enough for another child.

I know I'm a young woman (25) and I'm probably not thinking straight. I just want to do the right thing for the baby and not run from responsibilities or dumb decisions when there is a child involved. If adoption is the right thing then I'll do that but if the baby is better off with a biological parent then I do that whether it's me or dave.

I just want to be sure I do the Best for the baby and the decision isn't based on mother instinct or hormones

This baby needs some mother instinct and hormones
This baby needs someone who can't bear to be apart from it and luckily it had someone - you
Well done for acting so maturely about this op
Congratulations :o

Oh bless you.

Hi mum lives In a bungalow but she's I'll, has 1000 cats, never cleans, smoke 80 a day.. Hell she doesn't even open curtains. Dave doesn't even want to live there but says he has no choice.
Dave can't live here. My daughter would be so confused and when he leaves in 6 months or whatever he will still be taking a baby I've just raised and cared for months on end

Wow, OP, you've got so much going on.

Have you got someone to take dd when you go into labour, could be any day now.

Thank you guys. I just want to do what's best.

My neighbour is happy to help look after my daughter when I go into labour.

Surely of he lived with you he'd be the one doing the caring and raising? Obviously as his friend and flat,ate you'd help a lot but it would be you and your dd, him and his baby. Not you and the children, and him.