surrogacy has gone wrong

[Lonuar]

So, I decided to surrogate for my gay friends. I'm due in days.

Anyway we didn't go tonal clinic we just used one the home insemination kits and it worked 2nd month.

Ok so friends who baby it is (yes part mine too) he and his partner have been together 10 years own their house, one is a school teacher and my friend is a carpenter. Very stable life styles.

To the point, I didn't know this but they've been struggling with their relationship for 2 years and broke up last month. Well my friend is now moving out next week and is off back to his mother's. Well he asked if I can have the baby till he's sorted of course I said yes. Well I'm due in days... How can I give over a baby in a few months time when he has sorted himself out. I mean it's a baby and it'll (hate calling a baby it but we don't know the sex) be attached to me and I to it. I know as it's legal mother I have all rights to keep it.. Which I know my friend will understand as long as he can be daddy and that's all fine.

But Omg.. How the hell did this all happen.

I'm stressed and scared and suppose I've come here to see if anyone has been in this situation or has any words of wisdom?

Thanks

[ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy]

Alpaca, it's very unlikely that Dave's ex has any legal obligations towards Dave re maintenance etc.

[MrSheen]

Is Dave able to both refuse adoption and refuse to look after the baby? Legally I mean.

Sounds like the OP would rather keep the baby anyway but it just sounds a bit Catch 22 that Dave doesn't have to either have the baby or not have it.

[ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy]

If neither parent not extended family is prepared to care for a child then social services will make care arrangements which might ultimately lead to adoption.

[LynetteScavo]

I still think Dave moving in for a few months is the solution....I don't think it will be confusing for your DD. She will know the baby is yours and Daves. Explain to her Dave is moving in to help with the baby for a while. When the baby is old enough to spend some time without you, and Dave has sorted out some where to live, you can share the care.

It's not about handing the baby over, it's about the baby/child spending sometime with it's father.

There are perfectly well adjusted DC all over the country being raised like this.

Dave is now going to be a part of your DD's life, as well as yours and the baby's.

Does your DD see her father?

[CrabbyTheCrabster]

I agree with Lynette that if it's practical to do so, it would be good for the baby if Dave moved in for the first couple of months. I'd say he's much more likely to become a competent co-parent that way, and be able to share the care of the baby in the future. It would also mean someone there to help you out during the newborn phase, and I think that your daughter will understand if explained as above.

[Andcake]

Must admit my first thought was dave move in. I fact I would insist he did if it was me even if I knew I might not be able to hand baby over in 6 months. You need all the support you can get with a new born and another child to look after.

[ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy]

Op may not have space for Dave and a newborn and I can understand her concerns about disrupting her DD.

[ihatethecold]

Hope you are ok op.
Thinking of you.
I think you said you were having the baby on Tuesday.
Take care of yourself x

[vichill]

I think the best outcome for the child would be adoption. Dave doesn't seem very mature and to hand over a child at a few months to someone who appears half arsed is just cruel. On you, your daughter and most of all the baby.
if he was committed he would have the child immediately at his mother's.

[ToadToast]

Vichhill the OP doesn't want her baby adopted! How could it be the best option for her? There would also be no guarantee that it would be the best option for the baby as plenty of adoptees feel life long complication and unease at this decision made for them not by them. I can't believe how glibly people tout adoption.

Op you are in such a tough situation and it's such a shame when there are other couples who would kill for the opportunity you gave your friends:(


Beyond that actually this is about your relationship with Dave, you have the law on your side and whilst Dave is agreeing to provide support he is legally eligible for child support. If he doesn't step up and stay with you, take the baby then you seem to know what you are doing. Hopefully he can be a parent and you can co- parent? It's a mess but you sound quite protective already I think when the baby is here and you And your daughter live with him or her then you are going to know what you want. That you already think you can't hand over an older baby tells you what you need to know, that feeling is never going to reduce if you do the care and he doesn't.

[CrabbyTheCrabster]

Don't know whether you've just backed away from the thread or whether you've had the baby (as I know you were near your due date), but just wanted to wish you all the best anyway OP. You sounded completely committed to doing the right thing by the baby, and I'm sure that whatever you decide to do will work out.

Good luck.

[NanaNina]

WHY are people still posting about adoption - the OP has made it quite clear that she is not giving up her baby for adoption. Would any of you give your baby up for adoption because plans changed during pregnancy - I don't think so. Sorry I think it's only Vichill saying this. I couldn't understand why people mentioned adoption in the first place, when it was quite obvious from the OP's earliest posts that she wanted to protect her child - why wouldn't she??

I can't see why Dave should be allowed to take over the care of the baby at some point in the future. He is clearly without means of any sort as he has to live in such an awful place with his mother. He sounds very irresponsible and yes WHY did he hide the fact that he and the partner were struggling with their r/ship. OK so he is the biological father and there is no reason why the 2 parents can't work out an agreement that has the child's best interests at heart, and it seems crystal clear to me, that the baby has his/her permanent home with the mother and the father has contact agreed between them, and for the first months, this needs to be where the baby has his/her permanent home - the mother may be breast feeding, and when the baby is older and if Dave has somewhere (other than his mother's smelly house) to take the baby when he has contact then it should be ok - if not and the OP is willing he will have to have contact at her home.

ABI you say that it is "quite likely that the father will get contact and "residency" - and I think you mention something about "50% residency" or that may be someone else.

I am a retired social worker and firstly there has never been such a thing as "residency" (it was called a Residence Order) meaning that if the parents couldn't agree the matter would end up in the Family Courts and after an investigation into the circumstances by CAFCASS (Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) a recommendation would be made to the Judge about which parent should be awarded a Residence Order (meaning that the child would have his permanent home with that parent) usually the mother. The non-resident parent is almost always allowed contact which is defined by the court.

The correct term now is a "Child Arrangement Order" though the process is the same. This is private law and there is no longer legal aid available and so if parents can't afford lawyer's fees they have to represent themselves, which is daunting to say the least. I think it is now compulsory for couples to have mediation prior to any court hearing in order to try to negotiate an agreement without the need for a court hearing.

I sincerely hope this couple can work things out for themselves as going through the family courts can be a nightmare and drag on and on and become hugely stressful. However IF they couldn't agree and Dave wanted to care for the baby as the main carer, I don't agree at all that the Judge would necessarily agree to this in the circumstances, though he may well be awarded contact.

Sorry I've laboured the point - I just get annoyed when people make definitive statement about legal issues with insufficient knowledge to evidence their comments.

I really wish you well OP and I hope all goes well for the birth and you enjoy your baby.

[MummyPiggy87]

I wonder what the outcome of this was? It was some time ago now!

[eiysmummyc]

This is truly an awful situation! Although I have no immediate experience with surrogacy I do have a daughter of my own that was a "surprise" to say the least.
Similarly to yourself, the biologically involved male assumed he could parent as and when he was sorted, regardless of DD being due pronto! I'm afraid this is not a realistic option and you cannot be expected, nor should you feel pressured into handing over a baby you have carried and then nurtured after an indefinite amount of time!
As you have made it clear you are not able to give the baby to "Dave" when hes back on his feet you are now faced with 3 options:
Adoption - Although you are not keen to hand over the baby to Dave think carefully how you'd feel about giving the baby up for adoption. I'm not sure of your views on adoption but it certainly is an option depending on your personal feelings
Parent alone - Depending on your support network and how you feel about starting over parenting alone is certainly an option! From what I can gather you have done this once before with your DD and so aside from life's niggles such as work and other commitments, there is no real reason why you can't do it again. This is the option I chose and for me it was the right one. DD's dad still "parents from a distance", but regardless she has me consistently and it works for us!
Parent with Dave - This, in theory, would be the best all round. Baby would have mum and dad. Dave could maybe move in or help "from a distance", however each of you could find your ground and maybe even with that extra support you could find that the decision to raise the baby was best for you after all. Regardless of how much of a cock Dave seems to be, if he is willing to play an active part in the child's life and your willing to become a mum again then maybe it could work for you.

I can only sympathise in how difficult you current situation is and how unsure you must be atm. However, take these next few days to really consider the pros and cons to each option. There is no right or wrong answer you must just be sure of your decision and whatever you choose make sure your comfortable! From my point of view you don't owe Dave anything and so the decision you make should purely be your own and what is going to make YOU happy!!

Best of luck for the future :)

[AlfieandAnnieRose]

This was last year elysmummyc!

[GatoradeMeBitch]

I've love to hear an update too. I'm guessing shared residency?

[Scoutie]

Hi I just came across this thread - what an awful situation. I hope it worked out ok in the end

[Boredworkingmum020]

Oh no you poor thing. Like other posters have said Dave is obviously not ready to be a parent. Even if he did become involved once he had sorted himself out. What is he going to do next time the baby becomes inconvenient? For example when he gets into a new relationship? If it was him that was pregnant he would have two days to sort himself out! Children should not have people coming and going. I would tell him he is either there from birth as a consistent and reliable figure in his child's life or he is not a suitable parent figure. Secondly you need to do what is right for you and the baby

[errorofjudgement]

ZOMBIE THREAD!!!!!!