surrogacy has gone wrong

[Lonuar]

So, I decided to surrogate for my gay friends. I'm due in days.

Anyway we didn't go tonal clinic we just used one the home insemination kits and it worked 2nd month.

Ok so friends who baby it is (yes part mine too) he and his partner have been together 10 years own their house, one is a school teacher and my friend is a carpenter. Very stable life styles.

To the point, I didn't know this but they've been struggling with their relationship for 2 years and broke up last month. Well my friend is now moving out next week and is off back to his mother's. Well he asked if I can have the baby till he's sorted of course I said yes. Well I'm due in days... How can I give over a baby in a few months time when he has sorted himself out. I mean it's a baby and it'll (hate calling a baby it but we don't know the sex) be attached to me and I to it. I know as it's legal mother I have all rights to keep it.. Which I know my friend will understand as long as he can be daddy and that's all fine.

But Omg.. How the hell did this all happen.

I'm stressed and scared and suppose I've come here to see if anyone has been in this situation or has any words of wisdom?

Thanks

[divingoffthebalcony]

I agree that Dave's plan for you to raise the baby until he's ready to take on him/her is madness. The fact he feels this is acceptable is troubling. The baby needs to bond with its parent and to remove the baby from you after that time would be catastrophic for both of you.

I'm sure you both can agree to co-parent, but you need legal advice and soon.

[Lonuar]

If you guys where in this situation and had a 4 year old and my work etc what would you do?

[AndIFeedEmGunpowder]

I don't think you should feel guilty about not wanting to give the baby to Dave a few months down the line.

That is completely normal, not immoral or wrong. Your friend and his partner have turned the tables on you completely, days before you give birth. Do what you feel is right for you.

[Lonuar]

I think he will co-parent that's what he wants to happen in the months the baby is with me.

I just dont think I would be able to sit there and watch him coo the baby. That's why we agreed when baby is born I'll take a step away for a few months.

[Stealthpolarbear]

If I felt able to look after a baby I'd do what you're doing. Id cut dave off though, fresh start. I don't think in this case it's in the baby's best interest to know him.
If I felt resentful or trapped, I'd consider adoption.

[wannabestressfree]

I would stick to your guns and trust your instincts. Involve him as much as he wants and have shared care when the baby is older. He can't ask more from you than that.
You did a selfless thing and are putting your baby first. Well done you :)

[FishWithABicycle]

You are right to trsut your instincts. You are this baby's mum and you are going to be fine. It must be massively scarey to have this dropped on you suddenly but you will cope.

This "Dave" is being massively unrealistic, but he's not the one who gets to decide. You are quite right not to agree that you'll hand this child over in a few weeks time. Your obligations are primarily to do what is in your children's best interests, then your own - not Dave's.

[Lonuar]

Thank you guys.
You have all cheered me up made me feel much more confident in my thoughts of keeping this baby is right. I'm glad no one sees me keeping the baby doing the right thing by planning on raising it as bad.

Yes I feel trapped, not resentful of the baby, it's not the baby's fault it's being born into this situation. I will take responsibility and raise and love this child. If dave steps up and wants to be a dad and have access or whatever then I won't deny a baby from a loving father, if dave starts messing about then I will deny him of the Baby and we can go to court, I won't have a child waiting for a father who doesn't care. Children are innocent and that innocence should be protected.

[ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy]

It's likely that the court would grant Dave some level of contact or residency if he wished it, FYI.

[HopefulHamster]

Assuming Dave will not step up and is leaving you with the baby, then absolutely you are in the right for wanting to keep it.

Have you told Dave this? You need to. It doesn't matter if his mother's isn't right. He either needs to move heaven and earth to find the correct accommodation and step up just as a pregnant mother (ie you!) would have to do, or accept that he is no long the primary caregiver, but you are.

[Romeyroo]

Equally, if the OP has had the child from birth, she would be the resident parent. I can't see anyone arguing with this, particularly as there is a half-sibling with the OP. Dave would be looking at a contact arrangement.
Nonetheless, take legal advice in case you need a residency order or something.

[ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy]

Romey, it's likely that OP would get more than 50% residency, at least initially. But she won't be able to tell a court to deny Dave access altogether.

[starlight1234]

What a big turmoil for you...

I can say this baby sounds very lucky you are the person looking out for him.

Do you have some real life support. Whatever decision you make it is going to be a huge adaptation for you personally. I mean emotionally in the sense you are growing a baby that you won't be mummy to and now are going to be.

My issue is he is living at his mums but he is talking months to find somewhere suitable to live? That really doesn' t sound like someone who can prioritise his child

[ColdCottage]

I agree if you keep the baby then that's it, he can't take it away.

If they can't take the baby now and you are not in a place to have another baby, which you clearly aren't as you were having it for your friend, the most beautiful and selfless thing to do.

Have you thought about adoption? There are so many wonderful people out there who would love the chance to be parents. I know this would mean you wouldn't have a link with the baby as you would have done giving them to your friends but you will still have done an amazing thing for a childless couple and not turn your life and your dd's life upside down.

You are obviously a good person or you wouldn't have done this for your friends but this would be a positive option for you and the baby.

Otherwise I would just say to your friend, life isn't always perfect when a baby arrives (as it wouldn't be if you keep the baby) but that is life. As long as he loves the baby and an keep them fed, safe and warm that is all they need. They don't care about if he lives in a fancy house or his mothers spare room. Remind him parenthood isn't perfect but love carries a lot of weight.

Good luck, keep us posted on how you all are. Hugs.

[ColdCottage]

Just read full post.

Sorry I see adoption is not an option.

I think you are a wonderful person and this baby is going to have an amazing mother and sister.

I believe everything happens for a reason, so it seems this baby is meant to be yours. Your dd is gaining a sibling which is a blessing (I'm not religious but like the feeling of that word).

Turn it around now, put the negative scary stuff behind you and enjoy the excitement of being a mummy to another DC. Announce it to the world and be happy.

Explain to your friend your choice, as a good friend and a responsible father he will see this is the only real option if he won't take the DC at birth.

Good luck x

[ColdCottage]

In your situation I'd keep the baby.

I could carry it and do it for my friends but agree I couldn't go down the adoption route personally. I'd need a connection with any baby I carried.

[Nospringflower]

I agree with poster who said Dave needs to know the options. At the moment he thinks its fine for him to have the baby in a couple of months as you told him so. He needs to know its birth or never as that is what you are saying is the true situation I think?

[KatieKaye]

First, you sound like an amazing person. Best of luck going forward. And huge sympathies for the situation you're in.

Both fathers lied by omission to you, letting you think they were in a stable relationship. I would be very angry with them both and feel betrayed.

Dave has shown he is immTure and selfish to suggest this arrangement whereby you raise the baby while he sorts himself out and then eventually takes over. Of course you won't feel able to hand the baby over in April! Basically he is too selfish and irresponsible to have a baby. You don't treat a baby like a puppy for heavens sake, picking it up when it suits you!

You are doing the right thing in putting the baby first. Given the situation the baby needs to be with you. Whether Dave steps up to the plate remains to be seen,

[CrabbyTheCrabster]

Christ what a mess. Of course you won't be able to hand the baby over after raising it for several months, and Dave is not thinking straight/bit of an idiot if he seriously thinks that would be workable. Why on earth did you say yes??

It sounds like there is not much frank discussion going on between you and Dave at the the moment. I think you need to sit down with him and thrash out what's going to happen next. His mother's house does sound totally unsuitable to have a baby living there, and I understand why you wouldn't want him moving in with you.

Some questions to consider/discuss with him...

What is his financial situation now? Are they planning to sell their house? If they had decided together to have a baby then surely Dave should be staying in their house with the new baby, not moving in with his mother?

If he's self-employed, presumably he wouldn't be entitled to paternity leave? How were him and his then DP planning on coping with a new baby vs working? Was one going to be a SAHP to start with?

Has he got the means to afford a flat/house to himself, because most people wouldn't want to flatshare with a newborn? If so, why isn't he sorting that out immediately?

Has he done any preparation for being a parent? Does he know how to look after a newborn and realise how hard it's going to be doing that alone? The fact that he thinks it would be workable for you to be the primary carer for the baby for its first months and then hand it over, speaks to me of gross naivety at best.

Depending on the answers to all these questions, I don't don't think you're being unreasonable to state that you will be keeping the baby and he will be the non-resident parent with all the responsibility and rights that entails. I agree with you that it wouldn't be fair to deny him access to the baby. Why would you cut a parent out of a child's life before it's even begun, Stealth?

I think you really need to start communicating very frankly with him - you are going to be embarking on a co-parenting journey that'll last for the next 20 years at least, so best get the foundations laid now!

for you.

[tribpot]

I don't get it - these two men have decided to have a baby together. OP is a third party. The couple break up, they can't both decide not to be full-time parents, any more than they could if one of them were female and pregnant. Dave doesn't get months to get his shit together, he has until the baby is due the same as every other pregnant woman on MN whose partner buggers off in late pregnancy.

OP I don't understand why you haven't told Dave you'll be handing the baby over to him as agreed unless he waives the surrogacy agreement, in which case all bets are off and you will be raising the child as a member of your own family with him as a non-resident parent. A clear choice for him to make. If he decides to leave the baby with you it is such a massive breach of trust that your friendship is over, however you decide to co-parent in the future.

[Nancy66]

I see that somebody has already suggested contacting Natalie Gamble. Please do, she is probably the only lawyer specialising in fertility issues in the country. She works with the website Fertility Friends and will give free advice.

[AlpacaLypse]

If Dave and his partner own their home, why is Dave the one moving out? If his partner were the one leaving, Dave wouldn't need to move to his mother's unsuitable home, and could be the hand's on main carer straight away.

[Shelby2010]

I think that even if Dave stepped up to provide a home for the baby, then the OP would find it very difficult to hand the baby over. She planned to give her baby to a loving couple in a stable relationship who could give her child everything he or she needed. Not a slightly flakey single bloke who's recovering from a long term relationship and would probably struggle being a new Dad & single parent. That's not to say he couldn't do it, but I expect the OP feels deep down that she is now the best option for the baby. And I agree with that. OP, tell Dave you are keeping the baby and will be primary caregiver & arrange co-parenting starting from that premiss.

[Selks]

The adoption thing is a red herring. Both parents would need to consent to the adoption and it sounds like Dave would be unwilling to do so.