Every month I promise myself it is the last time. Every month I cave. I take cocaine, and for the next 12 to 16 hours I just can't seem to stop. I think, ok I'll buy half a gram. It's only £40. But it's never just half a gram. Once I've took it, I can't seem to get a grip and control myself. I have left myself without hardly any money for food this month. There are bills I will have to not pay this month. So even though I am only doing it once a month, it's something that I just cannot afford to do.
My cousin lives in the same street as me, and she uses it, and it's so easy to just cave. I think I am just very unhappy with my life. I'm bored out of my mind. I don't have any friends or a partner. I don't have a job and I really really want one. Anything. But I can't work right now. I have schizophrenia. My medication is very effective and I'm just now recovering from a recent psychotic break. I still feel traumatized by that living nightmare. But to get to the point, the meds numb me. So I'm not depressed, but I'm also not very happy. I just want to feel happy.
I feel like I don't have a life. I bought 15 Oxycodone tablets and wasted half of them while I was high on cocaine. Im so angry at myself. I'm not going to lie, I enjoy the high they give me but I also need them for horrific migraines that nothing else helps, and pain in my back. So I have 7 tablets to last the month. I also have a pack of dihydrocodeine. I can't sleep without taking Xanax at night.
I try so hard every month but I just keep caving in. I hate myself. I don't want to live like this. I want to be mentally well. I want a steady job. One thing I have learned is that I can never, ever stop taking my medication. But it's made me fat. I used to weigh 8 and a half stone. I now weigh 14 and a half stone. I used to run everywhere, go running several times a week. Now I get breathless bending down to feed my cats.
All I know is I need to change but I feel like there's a limit to how strong I can be and I just can't seem to get a grip and stop myself from slipping up.
My teeth are really bad. I've seen three separate dentists and the treatment plan is to have many of my front teeth pulled out. It ain't through drugs, that's another story that I won't get into at the moment.
Thankfully, my mother is going to help me get a loan to pay for dental implants in a few months time. I am so grateful. I'm grateful for everything I've got. My plan is to get the implants and then get a job- I am not mentally in a place to work and be around people with my teeth in such a state. It gives me severe social anxiety and panic attacks to talk to people.
So I am looking forward to changing my life. I'm even thinking of going back into education to study chemistry in the next year. Daunting, but maybe I can do it. I failed the degree twice before, because of my psychotic episodes.
I think I have to stop seeing my cousin for a few months in order to help break the habit. I feel so ashamed of myself. I'm scared I'm already in too deep and I'm scared I can't do this that I'm not strong enough