Why can’t I give up my toxic relationship with a 3 addictions loser

[ethal80]

Been with my BF nearly two years in a relationship but was FWB for 3 years beforehand so I knew exactly what I was getting involved in and what I was taking on. I’m 45 & he’s 35.
He is an alcoholic (10 pints per day) he smokes a shit ton of cannabis daily and also probably gambles £3-400 per week online slots and betting.
He doesn’t pay any utility bills at all, only his rent. Work is on and off (self employed).
He is in thousands of pounds of debt…I very stupidly bailed him out last year around 10k in my name…he does repay this to me.
He shows me the bare minimum affection, he’s selfish, he’s rude and very disrespectful towards me. He takes full advantage of my kind and caring nature and he knows that I won’t leave. I try my hardest to support him in any way I can but he just continues to let me and himself down. I know he has MH issues and I also know a lot about his life growing up as a child, he hasn’t had the best life and nobody to guide him. His mum is an alcoholic and smokes cannabis all day every day and his dad is a homeless alcoholic in an abusive relationship.
I know he’s dragging me down and I know he’s messed my MH up too… I’m now on citalopram and mirtazepene to help me cope, I’m also having therapy. I know that by staying, this is it…this is what my life will become and that he will continue to hurt my feelings every day. I’m a very sensitive person but I care too much to leave him, I feel he needs me. I love the bones of him and he knows that. How do I toughen up to this situation I’ve got myself into. Please don’t tell me to leave because I know I can’t, I love and care for him like I’ve never loved anyone before. I can’t give up on him.

I bet he doesn’t love the bones of you.

OK, I'm not telling you to leave. But try this. Imagine what your life will look like in 10 years time. 20 years? 30 years? Are you happy with that picture? If not, what do you need to do to get a future you are happy with?

Will you still love him when you're both homeless because he trashed your life to pay for his addictions? How much is too much?

Why anchor yourself to a sinking ship?

Have you heard of “tough love”
are you looking for advice or sympathy your post is a catalog of excuses / justifications for staying in a totally unsatisfactory position which you are enabling
these are your own chickens
I agree that the books by Melodie Beattie may help but you need to take action also this involves setting boundaries and making firm decisions from the start - an exit strategy
once you have another option you will see things differently self care is not disloyal even if it is not what others want things will change when you are sick and tired of being sick and tired please come back and let us know what is happening

Time to show some of that kind and caring nature towards yourself. At the moment you’re treating yourself absolutely terribly, not kindly at all.

But, you don’t LOVE him.

You’re codependent with him and you can’t leave him because you’re terrified you won’t be able to bear the loss. You also are very cruel and punishing to yourself - by forcing yourself to put up with a relationship which you know full well is terrible.

Those are powerful feelings- of course they are.

But it’s not LOVE that you’re feeling though I fully realise that you honestly believe it is.

Thankyou all for your useful comments and advice. I took on board a lot of the suggestions and we are now in a much better position with my firm boundaries in place. He has joined “GameStop” which is a big step in the right direction. He now drinks shandy mon-fri and has a drink at the weekend. We have an IVA in place to deal with his debts and creditors. He is working full time and also doing work at weekends to generate more income. I’ve got full reigns of his bank accounts and allow him so much to spend, ensuring that his bills are up to date. He is still smoking the cannabis but not half as much as he did.
I don’t keep things pent up anymore and I speak my mind when I feel I need to.
I am spending more time with my friends and making myself a priority - I feel so much better for being this way.
I know it’s going to be a long process and yes, he’s still having wobbles but he is treating me much better than before.
I will check back again in a few weeks/months on his progress or downfalls.
I feel much stronger since taking on board your suggestions.
ive given him 6 months to sort his shit out or else I’m done.

Thank you for your update.
Your thread is so interesting, you’re obviously a lot stronger as it sounds like you’ve come a long way in your thinking and dealing with the situation. I’m sure it hasn’t been easy.
I really hope things keep going in the right direction.
Look forward to your next update and fingers crossed for you both ❤️