Feeling suicidal due to opioid addictions

[jellytotsparkles]

Good evening,

I’ve been a long time lurker on Mumsnet, I’ve only just plucked up the courage to post on here (yes I am real & yes this thread is real) I only mention this due to noticing how many ‘bait’ threads appear on these forums.
I‘ll try to keep my story as brief as possible but in short due to many of life’s tribulations & turmoils as I’m sure many of us suffer from at certain points in our lives… I’m now at breaking point.

Since the death of two of my beloved family members 8 years ago I’ve been hopelessly addicted to pain medications namely, codeine, dihydrocodeine, morphine and Oxy (hard to source in the U.K. but possible) these have helped numb the pain I felt whilst allowing me to live a life as normal as I can.

However, I’m stuck in a constant cycle of withdrawal, using medications and then going through the anguish of withdrawal again. My mental health is ruined & my husband is sick of it now and I don’t even blame him. He’s tired of always having to do the brunt of everything eg, housework when I’m poorly and is deeply resentful of me over it. Our once great relationship is in tatters and we barely even communicate now without snapping at each other.

I love him so very much and have tried at least 30 times to break free of this cycle but I always end up going back to the same old habits. I’m now at the point where I don’t no what else to do, my thoughts are constantly that of ending my life and making things easier by ending my pain & misery and relieving my loved ones of theirs, I feel utterly selfish for even thinking this way but I don’t know what else to do anymore!

Have you spoken to anyone about how you're feeling?
Could you call the samaritans if you don't want to talk to a person you know?

You are stuck in a cycle and you should see if you can speak to your GP. They will have come across this before and can help you with a plan on how to safely wean yourself off and they won't judge you.
It sounds like you have been through a lot and you trying to numb the pain has spiralled but you can be supported to get better if you reach out for help.
I hope you're ok, don't take any drastic action for a problem that can be helped, could you call your GP tomorrow?

The number for the samaritans is 116 123 and they also have various different ways of contacting them in their website if you aren't up to a phone call.
You aren't alone

You’re not alone. I agree, speak to your GP. Also - ukna.org

@Wickerblanketbasket thank you so kindly for your swift response. I’ve spoken to my GP on 5 different occasions only to be told they cannot help me! Utterly unbelievable and astonishing I know!

They are awful and not the best surgery where I live so will be changing asap. I also went down the route of trying maintenance therapy eg. Espranor (Buprenorphine) with a clinic called CGL who messed up my second prescription by not even sending it over to my pharmacy, thus sending me back into withdrawal and back to drugs again :(

Ive never been able to even pluck the courage to call the Samaritans and because of my bad experiences with the GP & CGL I feel that they too will probably let me down.

I feel so disheartened by the system I once had such a high faith in, I was always a huge advocate for the NHS and support services but feel a disconnect from them due to the mistakes that have occurred.

I know deep down, your advice is correct and I have to speak to someone impartially who may be able to able and calm my mind. I think about ending my life at least once a day and I used to have such a lust for it, simple things like just being in nature used to have such a profound effect on my wellbeing however now I have no such interest.

I feel I’m grieving for the person I was and would give anything to be her again and not this sad empty shell I have become. I’m also grieving my 14 year relationship that has been almost left in tatters due to the pressure my partner feels and the guilt I feel for what I am putting him through. It is utterly selfish and unfair of me to continue doing this to him, he deserves more.

Thank you so much for your kind words & for the phone number. I will call them first thing in the morning and register with a new GP I think, I just want someone to take me seriously and I’ve never felt more uncared for by the system in my life. I know there are people out there who do care though so that’s a small glimmer of hope for me.

Can you go back to CGL? They mucked me about too but in the end were the ones who go me through my addiction somehow.

I know how desperate you feel but you've got to fight, you've got to get help to save yourself. Good luck, you can do it.

I can give them another try. They really are hard work at times to even manage to contact but it’s something I am open to & would probably be open to try Methadone as opposed to Buprenorphine which I found to really disagree with me.

Thank you for your advice and kind words, I can actually feel my eyes prickling with tears at the fact that people do know how I feel and I am not as alone as I think.

I just want the suicidal thoughts to end, to rebuild my life, be happy and repair my relationship with my long suffering husband.

Your GP will not help you with substance abuse, as it is the responsibility of the local authority, not the NHS. If you look up local drug treatment services in your area then you can go to see them. They will likely put you on methadone and gradually detox you from it, unless you want to go cold turkey, which it sounds like you have done previously and it hasn't worked.

You will have am assessment and you need to be totally honest with them. They can arrange MH support for you too.

Please do go to the substance misuse service. You may be thinking it is just for people taking street drugs, it isn't. Many heroin addicts started off where you are now.

Also have you tried Narcotic anonymous or AA meetings? They aren't for everyone, the weren't my cup of tea, but they helped for a few weeks at the beginning when I just needed support.

You csn do this.

I'm sorry to hear that you felt unsupported by your Dr, that is awful. I'm glad you're going to register with a new GP, I have found that sometimes with a problem you just need to have the luck of speaking to a GP who knows their stuff and cares, it does seem to be luck of the draw at times.
Yes I do think it will do you good to speak to somebody you don't know and just spill your mind to them, I can almost guarantee the samaritans won't let you down, they are a listening ear and may also be able to point you in the direction of some support for your particular issue.

The poster above has posted a link so have a look at that and see if that's useful.

It's easy for me to say but try not to get overwhelmed by everything, take things a minute, hour, day at a time.
Addiction is an illness and it will take time and the right support to get better.
Your relationship is under pressure but don't be too hard on yourself, you can and will get better.
Things won't be like this forever, you sound like you want to beat this and you can.

Have you thought of trying NA? You sound just like me when I realised I was an alcoholic and AA saved me and gave me back, and more, my enthusiasm for life

Try them again, honestly they were awful but something must have got through my addicted brain so it's worth giving it a go.

Please know coming out the other side is just amazing. I'm so much happier now. You can be too.

I just read this response, we must have cross posted. Can I kindly point out that CGL may have messed your prescription up, but it was your responsibility to sort it out. I bet if it had been some pills that you wanted, you would have got up and sourced them yourself. You have to take responsibility here. It sounds like you used it as an excuse to use again. I say that without malice, I've been there.

A lot of places are doing Buvidal which is a bupronorphine depot injection, now which last up to a month so you only have to have one injection a month.

I have seen lots of people who have self weaned on it as the drug just gradually dissaptes in your body and withdrawal is less intense.

You are absolutely correct, as I have found out. The GP will not help unfortunately, I will however be looking into restarting with CGL & although I am an extremely shy person I could try NA meetings if it has been beneficial for others then I suppose I have nothing to lose.

I can’t even begin to imagine a normal life again but it’s something I so deeply & desperately want. I feel nothing has meaning anymore and all I ever feel overwhelmingly compelled to do is wrap myself in an opioid cocoon and die doing so.

Thats how hopeless my mind has become. Its a selfish way to think & it has to stop.

If my husband left me tomorrow, I could not fault him. He works full time & because of my utterly selfish life choices has to
come home & do the brunt of the home chores too. Its not fair on him at all.

I know you've had a bad experience with CGL but I would try again with them, I've worked closely with them and they have had wonderful results. Try and give them another chance but also research other services in your area as a back up. It's good to have things in place. You're doing amazingly to reach out and get better.

@IsItaCowIsItaPlane I tried to sort it out however the person who had seen me that day was a newcomer to the CGL and had mistakenly not realised I needed a new prescription for the week.

I spoke with them again the day after and was told I’d need to start the process from scratch again, so drug testing, then keyworker appointment and then finally an appointment with the prescriber.

The original process took almost a month! So yes, correctly said it was my responsibility to sort it out and chase it up (as I did on the phone and in person) however being the selfish drug addict I am…. I weakly returned to my habits so as not to withdraw in the meantime.

Absolutely no excuses, my own fault entirely and you are correct in saying so.

However now I’m at the point of wanting to end my life and quite frankly that is also my own stupid selfish decision, my brain won’t even think straight. You’ve all been very kind and I’m extremely grateful for every piece of advice I’ve received. I’ll be following up on a lot of it. Thank you all x

Thank you! I will look into this x

You’re most definitely right. I’m glad there are lovely people here with the right advice when people like myself are in need. Thank you all so very much. Sometimes you just need to hear that things can get better.

My mine is still struggling & full of suicidal thoughts of course but the kindness of strangers always renews my faith in this world.

That should have read ‘mind’. Not mine

I hope you didn't think I was being unsupportive, as I say, I've been there. I spent 11 years sticking needles in my veins. I tried and failed hundreds of times to get clean. Eventually, it worked.

My advice was to be as relentless in your recovery as you are about scoring drugs. When I was using, I'd gang around on street corners for hours to get drugs, but one delay at the drug service just gave me an excuse to not go back there.

@IsItaCowIsItaPlane Absolutely not!

You were speaking the truth! The mind of an addict is always know by someone who has experienced it themselves!

You had to be truthful & what you said was most definitely not unsupportive but honest and it had to be said!

I am glad you did because it is how the mind of an addict works, the smallest of inconveniences and we are straight back to our drug comfort blanket!

I actually admire you for your raw honesty and I’m so damn pleased to hear that recovery can be done and from the sounds of it you’ve done incredibly well. My best friend was a needle user for 8 years, clean now for 6 and has a better life than even before! Well done 💖 I just wish I could see this for myself!

I’ve gotten to the point where I cannot even remember what ‘normal’ feels like but I crave it badly!

Thank you for your kind advice, I wholeheartedly appreciate it💖

@jellytotsparkles how has your day been today, are you okay?

One day you will find that you cannot quite remember what being an addict felt like. I've been clean nearly 16 years and my life is so different now. Occasionally, I'll yawn a few times in a row and suddenly I'll feel the echo of what it was like to be withdrawing.

I will always remember the day though that I went to bed and suddenly realised I hadn't thought about heroin all day. 😀

If you want to chat PM me

Wow I hadn’t realised it had been almost 9 months since I posted this thread! Sorry I’ve been silent for months on end just remembered to come back here & update!

Since April I’ve been on Methadone & it’s given me back my life! It’s been amazing and I honestly couldn’t have given up without it. I just want to give my heartfelt thanks to every person here who gave me advice & support it still truly means the world to me to this very day!

I needed to hear what was said and I went back to CGL chased them down for weeks until I finally got an appointment & then 3 more after I was prescribed my maintenance treatment, months on my suicidal thoughts have diminished entirely and my relationship with my partner is healing (we’ve both worked hard to make things right) 💖

I realise I still have a long road ahead of me and there may be temptations (none so far) in the future or hurdles to overcome but I am so grateful & at the same time looking forward to the rest of my life, Drug-Free.

Thank you all so so much for your help & advice and to anyone desperate who feels the same way I did & you’re reading this thread please know recovery is possible and there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. If you want it enough & fight for it, you can achieve anything.