Codiene withdrawal

[Leoni2020]

Hi, strugglng to find somebody to talk to regarding codiene addiction, withdrawals.
I have been on them nearly 7 years after I had a spine problem, doc left it on repeat all this time no questions asked, know it's my own fault but I genuinely had no idea how addictive they were for quite a while as they were just some tablets my doc was giving me for my pain.... until I didnt take any for a few days and felt absolutely horrendous... looked into it further then realised I was dependent/addicted.
I dont drink alcohol or take any other drug, just codeine. I am a caring high functioning mum of 2 who gives my children the best childhood.... as mine was awful but that's a different subject.
Long story short, within the last 7 years I have attempted to go cold Turkey twice, got through the unpleasant withdrawals, all was fine after.... then comes the mental struggle.
Anxious, crying, cravings, on edge, feeling hopeless, emotionless etc, so unfortunately I started taking them again, taking more and more as time went on.
I made another attempt latt week, today is my 7th day without and it wasnt as bad but for some reason, i have woken up today with the usual withdrawal feelings.... it's usually subsided by day 7, not starting.
I feel absolutely horrendous and can barely move my limbs.

I dont have anybody to talk to who has/is going through this and dont want to bore the couple of friends/ family about it again, not as it's my 3rd attempt.
Can somebody please tell me when all of it subsides, know it varies from person to person but if this mental struggle is for a long time, I dont think I can do it.
I dont want to take them but ild be able to function better on them if this is how it feels for months/years on end.

7 years sober now. I did dabble with codeine myself after DS2 was born, took it for pain relief for stitches, and saw myself heading down the same slippery slope so managed to nip it in the bud. But it is bloody difficult. It's good that you're eating, you'll get your strength back. It may feel awful now but remember it is only temporary and it's your minds way of trying to get you back on the codeine.

When on one of my alcohol courses (it took three attempts to properly give up) I learnt about the amygdala in the brain and the association of pleasure with the substance. This is a good, if rather scholarly article to read if you have restless legs or insomnia but I hope you're getting over the worst of those now. Best of luck!

neurosciencenews.com/addiction-amygdala-striatum-3739/amp/

7 years sober, good for you that really is fantastic, your very strong!
I havent drank since having my children 2yrs and 5 yrs, I have ridiculous 2 day hangovers if I do and I wouldnt be able to deal with them so I just stopped drinking when I 1st fell pregnant.
Iv just been reading other peoples posts on other mumsnet codeine addiction and iv seen a pattern in the way the addict speaks, they are almost trying to convince themselves that it's not really that bad and that they will just start again but cut down etc.. that is how I'm feeling now to be honest.

But what you just said about it's our minds way of trying to get us back on it makes sense.
My last 2 tablets were last Wednesday night, the physical withdrawals have nearly subsided but now it's the psychological
cravings full force today especially.
I came off them for 7 weeks last year, felt mentally awful the whole time, had a particularly bad day, searched the house, found a couple and that started it off again.

Here I am again a year later feeling that that might happen again.
Wish I could pinpoint why I think they take my depression away because sometimes they made me feel worse. Very odd.
I think too much without them which I'm not comfortable with.
Were you depressed, agitated, tearful etc when you gave up drinking? If so how long did that last for at its worst?
I feel so so extremely empty inside, sad and cripped with anxiety, like that's it now no pleasure again. Cant even smile and sense of humour has vanished.
Energy levels are awful but getting more strength every day.
Trying not to be miserable or short with partner as hes been supportive but I cant help it.
Tonight's my first night going to sleep without any valium/nytol.
Dreading it.
Thankyou for your message was very helpful.

You also might want to get a liver function test if you’ve been taking that much paracetamol for a long length of time

How are you today op? X

Hi I'm ok thankyou for asking.
Still struggling but that's the way it has to be.
Pacing around a lot, feel like somethings missing.
I wish ild have been stronger and tapered down instead of this.
Do you think the mental depression side of things would have been less severe if ild have reduced weekly? X

Honestly I don’t know. I know for me that tapering or cutting down my addiction (alcohol) never worked. I’d have a half bottle of vodka in and tell myself it needed to last 24 hours, then the next day I’d get another and it needed to last 36 hours but in reality I was powerless over my addiction and that half bottle would be gone in a couple of hours and I’d be figuring how to get more. The withdrawals are awful, mentally I still feel like I need something to change the way I feel on some days but then I think how far I’ve come from being physically alcohol dependent and how awful that was. It made me so so ill. You’ve mentioned that you didn’t like the way they made you feel, try to focus on that. Really remember those awful feelings while you were on them. You need to keep reminding yourself that no matter how awful you feel, this too shall pass and your worst day clean is better than your best day using. I know how easy it is to think that first couple of tablets will take all of this away but all they would be doing is prolonging this pain and mental unhappiness. Try to play it forward, “if I took two tablets now I’d feel better for a short while but then I’d need to take more, I’d be spaced out for the kids so I’d take more then I’d feel rubbish so I’d take more and before I knew it I’d be back where I started”.

Thinking of you op xx

You are absolutely right, spot on actually.
Unfortunatley I found one earlier on, on the floor under my dishwasher and I took it... how disgusting is that. Felt slightly content for an hour now feeling like a complete failure and idiot. I cant seem to do it, cant stop thinking about them im going mad and just want to go to bed but I cant.
Thought ild done well this far but I'm not confident i can kick it.
I think I need help professional. I'm going to call up anonymously tomorrow after the school run as cant go to docs.

You’re not disgusting, you have an addiction and it’s brilliant that you’re going to get some help. Who is it you’re going to call tomorrow, gp or oasis or NA? Well done for reaching out. No one can beat an addiction alone. I tried countless times and I needed AA in the end. There are people with 5,10, 30 years sobriety who still relapse. Addictions are so so powerful. But you’re doing so well, you took one yes but you realise now it was a mistake and you’re talking and asking for help. Even if you relapse another 100 times so long as you keep talking you are doing something to battle your addiction, relapse is a really horrid but normal part of recovery. You’re not a failure xx

Thankyou that's made me feel better.
Long story at beginning of thread but cant go docs, they sent me to oasis and that was disastrous so I'll look for a NA number on line in the morning .
X

Ah yes sorry, just remembered you mentioned at the beginning. To be honest I do regret going to my gp with my alcoholism as he now just puts everything down as related to me being an alcoholic! I developed epilepsy when I was 26, totally unrelated to alcohol as it was when I drank a glass or two once a week (I became an alkie over time and after some trauma) but on my notes he tried to put I had withdrawal related seizures,I soon corrected him!

ukna.org/online

That link should hopefully work and take you to the uk page where they have the helpline and online meetings. If you need any help navigating the page I’d be more than happy to help. Xx

Your exactly right i know what you mean, I know going to your doc is the right way to deal with these things but it doesnt help much really, I mean, why my doc couldnt have just told me to taper down by half a tab every week I dont know, he referred me to oasis and that's all the 1st woman I saw told me to do, then I had all the followed crap from a different woman months later out of the blue.
I see a different doc every time I go, they are all rude, dismissive snobby bastards at my surgery.
There isnt anyone there who I feel I could explain the whole thing to and start again so I'm buggered.
That's unfair that they blame any health probs on that.
I know a couple of high functioning extremely heavy drinkers who have a huge problem but wont admit it ( they say everyone has a drink and it's how people unwind) and they dont have any health problems, if they did then the doc wouldnt be able to use that excuse like they do with you because they dont know.... it's wrong isnt it.
Funny you say you drank more after trauma, just goes to show that drugs/alcohol helps to numb the human mind when in pain mentally.
I drank a lot before my first born, would quite happily drink 3 bottles of wine some nights either indoors after work or out socialising, but never had a problem when I stopped, so strange that that's not the case with codeine.
Do you miss drinking?
Thankyou so much for that link, I'm going to take a look straight after the dreaded school run in the morning, be nice to talk to someone over the phone. At the moment I cant see anything or anyone changing the way my brain is thinking regarding them, the pills are stronger than me at this moment and I just want to take them to feel ok but I dont want to take them. Madness.x

No I really don’t miss drinking at all. It had become such a nightmare for me, I was literally drinking 24 hours a day and barely sobering up even to look after my kids (long story but I’m not their primary carer. They live with their dad in the week and I have them weekends. I hope soon they’ll be able to be with me again. I lost them mainly due to my addiction and I’m so ashamed of that) and it was no existence. Addictions are progressive, no one starts out as an addict but it takes a hold of you and doesn’t let go until it has you completely and you’ve lost everything. My drinking was such hell I really don’t miss it. Living without the anaesthetic that numbed me for years is incredibly raw and painful but it’s better than living as an active alcoholic. There have been moments where I’ve thought oh wouldn’t it be nice to have a glass of wine in the sunshine but I’d be kidding myself because as an alcoholic it would never be a glass and it wouldn’t end nicely, I play it forward in my mind like I showed you earlier. The first three weeks were utter hell and I’m certain if I hadn’t gone to AA I would have drank again just to feel “normal”. I really think NA will help but you’re doing so well, you’ve made a massive achievement because it would be so much easier to buy a pack OTC and put all this off but all you would be doing is prolonging the inevitable. I’m not saying this to scare you but your addiction will progress if you allow it. It might seem impossible to think now but you could lose an awful lot. When I first started needing a drink in the morning I should have known then but I carried on and it got worse and worse until I’d lost everything. I have an amazing dh, he’s loved me through 4 years of hellish heavy drinking and I need to make living amends to him and my children and my family by staying sober. I know for you you right now things look ok, you’ve got your home and your children and you sound like a wonderful mum. But an addiction really can destroy all of that.

Hope you’re ok, tonight’s another night you can put your head on the pillow and start again tomorrow. Are you managing any sleep? Xx

What a story.... I was really shocked hearing that, shocked because it sounds like you've been through hell and back, and im genuinely absolutely gobsmacked at how strong you are and how far you've come.
Addiction is addiction and you went through all that, lost your children and probably your mind because of it but you have bounced back. I have every respect for you I honestly do.
You sound like a real caring, intelligent and courageous woman.

Your story makes me feel like I need to mentally toughen the f#$k up, stop and realise what iv got and move on because this is nothing compared to what you've been through, i know addiction is addiction but still, do you realise how strong you are? I dont think theres many people that can do it.

May I ask how long before you can get your children back? How old are they?
I'm pleased that you have had a great supportive dh though all this, what a wonderful man and he clearly loves the bones off you. Just think of the future you all have to look forward to soon, you, your dh and your children.
Stay strong for you and for your kids..... PLEASE!!!

I started taking 3 tabs at 7am just because the boys were arguing and I was so painfully depressed and lonely and nervous.
Wont go into it too much but my childhood has done something to my head, not "blaming the childhood thing " but it was extremely extremely dysfunctional, scary and unstable, I wont go into details as I'll be here all day but my mum was and still is (aged 68) an amphetamine addict, badly, spent every penny on the stuff from her benefit money, never sent me to school, never any electricity, food, she was high on paydays approx Monday to Thursday then came the comedown until the following Monday, all sorts of men in the house.
Comedowns consisted of her laying on the couch in the dark sleeping, whilst I was left on my own, from as young as I can remember. I remember being a very hungry littlen.
She never hit me though, never.
I always knew she loved me ( she told me every day) and I loved her but it was neglect. I see that now.
Obviously there was an awful lot more that happened in my childhood but starting to feel a little tearful just writing that little bit down so I'll leave it there.

Trying not to blame this codeine problem on that but I have EUPD from my childhood and my worries, fears, anxiety is bad because of it, I cant help it.
Since codeine it has numbed it and made me not think or feel as much.
I think that's why I cant bear the thought of not taking it again.
My mum isnt a horrible person, she is an addict and that's the person iv only ever known, shes stolen off me the minute I started working and earning aged 15, she wasnt a good mother, but if only she could have been strong and tried, like you... fought for me, gave me an education, stability, opportunitys.
But she never did, she put me in harm's way and unfortunately I'm fucked up because of it.
My mind went super weird when I had my first born, trying to do the opposite to her in every single way, over protective, over compensating, everything, its exhausting me trying to be a good mum, it's all connected psychologically, clearly.
If we have a day in the house all day, I get paranoid that they're bored like I used to be ( even though they do so much fun and education things) I'm constantly offering them healthy food, I have every single light on in every room in the whole house in the daytime, I never sit or lay down on the sofa even to relax, I put music on to keep things upbeat, they never have a day off school ever unless they vomit, I throw stupid ott birthday parties for them trying to make them happy, I interact with them, (although for some reason I hate playing with them, maybe something to do with never really being a kid myself) just basically the opposite of my experience and its draining my brain. I can see the pattern.
My partner tells me they dont feel the same as I did because they're not experiencing it but it's my own thought patterns.
I know they sense my anxiety, they must do, you cant fool kids.

Your children have a mum who has chosen to choose them over addiction, that makes me smile.

Unfortunately I havent been able to handle the way i feel mentally, I'm scared of feeling. I need the numbing. I got hold of a couple. I should have tapered down because I think the gradual mental depression wont be such an awful abrupt explosion for me that way. Iv taken 2 this evening and am straight on the phone to that link you sent in the morning.

I'm going to ask them what really is the absolute best for the pyscological distress coming off them, a taper or be extra strong and carry on with what I'm doing (excluding the few iv taken)
Thanks for telling me I havent failed because I took 1, Hoping someone at NA can guide me in the morning.x

Thank you for such a lovely message, it made me well up! Do you mind if I pm you a proper reply? Just don’t want to give out too much detail on here but more than happy to tell you in private xx

Absolutely I was going to ask the same. Thankyou.x

Thank you, will message you in the morning. Hope you get some sleep xx

@Leoni2020 you’ve been through such a lot. I’m not a specialist but learned experience and trauma are two ways we can get sucked into the vile illness that is addiction and you’ve had both. My abuse of painkillers started after a traumatic surgery and recovery and infertility. It’s like the painkillers gave me the warm hug and confidence I needed and allowed me to put a brave face on and face the world. But of course it was a downward spiral as they became the focus of my world and I had to take more and more to get the same feeling. My crash off them came abruptly as the law changed and online pharmacies could no longer prescribe them. I went cold turkey which was horrific and I don’t know how I did it. Physical and emotional wreck. I swore I’d never touch the drug again and haven’t, though the mental craving never goes away and there have been a handful of times I’ve got the strongest OTC stuff to take the edge off. It doesn’t do much though and I always feel so bad afterwards I regret it.

You have your wonderful family as reasons to kick this. That clear head CAN be amazing, but with the right support you can also learn coping mechanisms for when things aren’t easy.

Keep going, be kind to yourself, we’ve all got your back.

Thankyou youngatheart00.
Yes i does all make sense about learned behaviours and trauma.
I feel the same as you said, feel it's my world and theres nothing else to even look forward to either.
Well done for stopping so successfully.
Can I just ask how long it took until your mental struggles improved? As in when did you feel good enough to realise you were able to just be normal, have the odd bad day like everyone does... when does that constant nasty empty depressed mood go away mainly? Was it months and months?

Honestly? I don’t think the cravings ever fully go away. That’s why it’s important to get the support. Do what I say not what I do 🙈 I haven’t sought any external help aside from some addiction podcasts for solidarity.

It helped me to think about coming off the tablets like a breakup. Distraction techniques and staying busy (once the week of hell withdrawal had passed). I definitely had some euphoric clear head moments especially when being outdoors and appreciating nature - the sounds, smells, weather, views, when prior to that I’d been living under a self imposed cloud.

How are you feeling op?

Hi not bad thankyou.
Iv had a lot on so not doing too great, if taken the odd 1 or 2 here and there and 2 before bed every night..... here i go again hey, slowly creeping back up.
Its stress that makes me take them, ridiculous.

Hi Leoni
I posted a few months ago being in a similar situation to you with codeine. I had some lovely replies but unfortunately the withdrawals got the better of me and after 5 days of being unable to care for my son, I started taking them again. I'm now at the point of starting to taper (last time I went cold Turkey, and felt like one , hence the tapering!!) but still have a way to go. Am thinking it might be easier with another person if you're still on the road to giving up? I just need to be with someone who understands and can put me on the straight and narrow when temptations kick in I guess. I've gone from over 32 tablets to 26 this week 12% codeine tablets and want to get down to 10 tablets by Christmas. Maybe you have a goal too? X

Sorry, that should say 12mg codeine tablets x

Gratitude, how are you doing? I'm on day 1 cold turkey. I've managed 5 weeks and 3 weeks this year this way but jaw and neck pain pushes me back to them.

I think I take the same amount as you. 1 pack over the counter a week. 12mg. Crept up over 10 years. I've not found cold turkey too hard physically and I wonder if that is because I've never upped my dose beyond the amount you are meant to take. I get a few aches and restless legs but it passes.

I take ibuprofen and paracetamol to deal with low level pain but

Actually, I'm on day 2 now as I started yesterday morning. My jaw already hurts as I am clenching and I have brain fog, but it could also be because I am doing a fast day.