Brother heroin addict- anyone else? Can we offer support to each other?

[Goodmum1234]

My brother had been a heroin
Addict for more than 20 years. It nearly cost him his life 6 weeks ago but he's recovering. Says he'll never touch the stuff again. Brilliant, I think but have a nagging doubt that once he's better physically he'll be back to his old ways. Anyone else?? Good news, bad news, support required and offered. Could just do with chatting to people on here as it's been our family secret for so long c

Hi polecat
I created this thread but have name changed.

my brother’s addiction is 25 years old now and has not got better. Indeed in May this year he attempted suicide by overdose and I sat with him for a week in hospital as he was on life support. He is trying g rehab again on Wednesday.

it has nearly destroyed me. Read through the whole thread to know though, that you are not alone ❤️

I have gone no contact since august now and have felt wonderful. My mental illness has gone away somewhat. Funnily enough he is doing better than ever

remember you cannot change things, only him or her. If it’s affecting you, please stop seeing the destruction. You don’t need to. My brother has been homeless and begging as I live in relative luxury. I had a sort of survivor’s guilt for a while, but stopped that negative thinking.

thabk you for awakening the post, it’s lovely to get things off my chest again. Please keep talking on here.I’m sure others will support too soon xx

Well, almost 4 years since my last post here and things are as bad as ever. My brother has lost his job that he was just about clinging onto (covid redundancy, no fault of his own) but is in no position to get a new one because of the addiction and psychosis. My parents have been paying his mortgage but stopped now so he’s in arrears and will potentially get evicted and end up homeless if he decides not to go and live with them. I don’t think I want him to live with them though because he’ll just bleed them dry and they don’t need the stress at their age.

I moved house but I won’t tell him my address because I like to keep my home as my safe space. He spent Christmas alone probably getting high. I texted him to wish him merry Christmas and his response was to ask for £5. He asks for smaller amounts now than he did before - I don’t know if that means he’s switched to pills or worse because the coke is too expensive. I see a counsellor which helps with my mental health and I’m tough on boundaries - no money. We’re pretty much no contact now which is sad, but he’s isolated himself from his wonderful friends and family. It helps hearing the other stories here and I wish you all the very best and thank you for sharing and helping me feel less alone

Hot cross bun thank you for sharing. I’m sorry things are so dreadful. Fir me it hangs over me like a cloud that never quite lifts. If I’m having a nice time, the fog appears! Think it added to my depression over the years.

I have found no contact has improved my life in so many ways. My brother no longer asks for a fiver. They say a fiver as it’s more likely given than, say, £50 or £100.

my parents go to family group counselling and I’m proud of them. It is free fir anyone online or in person. It occurred 5 years ago when he went into rehab again. They are stronger and will not have him at their house even if he is homeless as ultimately it is his choice. It is all his choice.

this Christmas he said to a family friend that we didn’t want him. We replied confidently that that was true as he had ruined everyone before by being on drugs, falling asleep in his dinner, speaking out of turn, swearing , the list goes on. Actually feeling really angry about how I’ve met him ruin my life for so long

the hurt never goes away but you do learn how to box it up and live with it. ❤️

Agree so much with your last point @90s - it’s like an ever present sadness. With time it’s more of a dull ache than something that completely knocks me down. If I’m doing something nice like seeing a beautiful view on holiday, or seeing a group of lads his age out enjoying themselves it just makes me sad to think of all that he’s missing out on - like a form of grieving for what we’ve all lost.

I'm considering ttc soon and it’s impacted that - I’ve been terrified at the idea of having a child who ends up like him. My parents did everything ‘right’ bringing us up and it still all ended up so badly. Not to mention the depression I’ve suffered with and still needing to take meds.

Nearly 1 year since my last post on here. That is because currently my brother is 11 months clean! 11 months out of 25 years! Omg!! This is the third rehab but this one is different. You have to self-refer, every single day to demonstrate you are ready for making a change. I sit here with a nagging doubt this can’t be real as there has been absolute horror for 25 years but currently he is clean. Doctors are looking at adhd diagnosis since childhood and I feel that o have it too but have masked well apart from depression anxiety eating disorders, over eating and smoking can’t handle money etc 🤣
sending hope xxx

I hope your brother continues to self refer. That is good news Goodmum.

OP here. Brother told me he used on Christmas Eve. I can’t breathe. He said he hasn’t since as he asked himself what the hell he was doing. I feel like my body is breaking. Got the all clear from a cancer scare today. Was so happy now this

@Goodmum1234 I’m so sorry. You must be absolutely devastated and exhausted with it all. It sounds like you need to focus on you - you’ve been through a lot with the cancer scare. It’s ok to be disappointed in your brother and to establish boundaries if you need them. Hopefully this will be a wake up call for him and he can get back to the good habits he was managing for so long. Nothing helpful to add but I feel your pain

Hi all. It’s been a while since I posted on here and unfortunately nothing has changed. I had a text from my brother about half an hour ago asking if I could transfer £20 over because he needs a few basics, bread, milk etc. It’s almost 4am, he must think I’m stupid! As you all know, that crap turns them into such liars!
Goodmum1234, I’m so sorry to hear that he used again. To your knowledge, was it just a one off? I do hope so. I can imagine how you feel as I’ve been there several times. He sorts himself out and for a while and I get my big brother back. It never lasts though, I’ve given up hoping.
I hope you are all well and coping as best you can

Sorry to all those will siblings/family members currently in addiction. I am in the same position with a family member and have been for over 20 years. I wouldn't wish it on anyone it's the most helpless, depressing and frustrating situation and you're always waiting on that phone call. It's like watching a slow death.

After years and years of trying to come up with the right combination of words, begging, pleading and sometimes demanding, I've come to the conclusion that there is NOTHING we can do to stop them ruining themselves and everyone around them. Even when they find sobriety you can't relax and tip toe around them incase they relapse. Sorry to all those going through this and I hope you all find some way to take care of yourself x

Op here. Great to hear from people and just so we know we are not alone. I once went to a group session with reverend raff chaves (look him up) where he was an addict and he was amazing for me moving on with my own life after my brothers’ 25 year addiction. I carry his saying….i didn’t cause it, I cannot cute it and I cannot change it. Basically it’s all up to my brother. It’s a bit life changing x

Cure

I've been watching this thread for a while. I have known about my brothers methamphetamine addiction for nearly 2 years now. I'm the only one who knows in my family, which I'm finding increasingly difficult. Unbeknownst to us he's been an addict for about 20 years. He's clearly not going to get clean until something catastrophic happens so I'm just waiting really 😔

Addiction is very much a family disease. It’s so common to get stuck in trying to fix and rescue the addict, which has a serious impact on our wellbeing and bank balance!
When we had an addict in our family, I turned to www.famanon.org.uk Families Anonymous is for the family/friends when they have a loved one in addiction. They have a helpline, literature, UK wide meetings., where other members share their experiences. I needed to look after myself, stop enabling, use boundaries and to detach with love. For today, my addict is now living a great life and so am I. The 3 C’s are
You cannot CURE it
You cannot CONTROL it
You didn’t CAUSE it

You need to tell your family, you can't carry this alone x

How is everyone doing? My sibling is still deep in addiction and no sign of them stopping. Plenty of false promises and fake hope...all to get money. Exhausting

Sorry things are still bad @newyear2024 . I’m honestly not too sure how things are as I haven’t had contact with my brother for a while now. Unfortunately he is suffering from schizophrenia which may be related to the drug use, or genetics. He was sectioned last year and is finally getting better medical support but I can’t get my hopes up. He’s still very much out of it mentally and I’m not sure whether he’s using or not. I get periodic updates from family who are still in contact. I feel guilty for being distant but just can’t cope with it all to be honest

@hotcrossbun4321 my sibling was also sectioned various times, deep mental health problems - which in my opinion were caused by drug use, although not completely. But drug induced psychosis is common with drug users and its the case with my sibling, but I think there are a few other undiagnosed mental health issues not caused by, but made worse with drugs.

I completely understand you being low contact. We have to do what helps our own mental health as well. Its a nightmare I wish would end! Its good to hear others with similar stories - just knowing im not alone. But wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Thinking of you all living through this devastating severe heartbreaking mental illness!
after 25 years I have learned that I must, repeat must, look after myself and put myself and my family first even when my brother begs for help. I have to have no contact when he is using, begging and causing chaos but this works for me. No longer any guilt
please put yourselves first even through heartbreak 💔

❤️

I wrote this 5 years ago.

He celebrated 7 years clean this year.

That is excellent! There is hope.

Amazing update!

I haven’t posted on here in years, tried to avoid the truth I suppose. The last 12/18months have been the worst with my brother. He decided at the end of 2022 to get clean. This involved having the last of his rotten teeth removed and a set of dentures. In one way he does look better. However it all amounted to nothing and he started using “monkey dust” this synthetic drug is rife in this county. On it he was horrendous, the police were called serval times. He destroyed his bedroom, came at my mum with a knife the list goes on and on. Each time he’s started to get clean we have supported him, he’s spent time with us. We’ve taken him out and included him in our family activities. But he has continued to use. His closest “friend” died last year under suspicious circumstances and now he has become involved with people who are accused of the most horrific crimes. He chose to spend my DDs birthday with one of these people, much to our horror. Each time we think he’s hit rock bottom, the next low is always worse. Last week I had a row on the phone with him, telling him I wanted to cut him out for good. We don't want the stress of knowing him or for him to be around our daughters. Since there has been v little contact from my parents. My mum always make out that I never show him any support and that I treat him badly. How she keeps forgiving him I honestly don’t know. She’s always giving him money (just see my earlier posts). He still lives with them and they still support him, I’ve said I don’t expect them to throw him out. He’s supposedly waiting for a rehab space. He hid the fact he was using heroin again for more than 6 months. When I confronted him all he said was “you couldn’t tell”. As if that makes it acceptable! I will assume from
now on that he is always using. Sadly I think I have cut myself and my kids off from
my parents. I don’t want to make them chose, but it’s ruining my life too. We have spent the last 3 weekends just our little family and it has been so much more relaxed. Going to my parents for dinner he is always there or he’s calling my mum about something he can’t cope with. My dad is a shell of himself, he has given up all hope as my mum and brother conspire around him. I hate that my brother has such control over my mum. As the OP said in one post “I wish he would just disappear and I could forget him”. Reading this posts has made me feel less guilty for cutting him out and less alone. I wish that no one had to deal with these situations. Sorry for the very long post… again. Sending you all best wishes and hopeful thoughts x

@Historyrepeating1234 it sounds like you’ve tried and tried and been a great support to your brother and parents over the years. It sounds like some distance from them might help especially if they’re so in denial. I’ve sort of disconnected my parents from my brother (it helps that there’s 50 miles between them), so I will see my parents and check they’re ok but we don’t really talk about my brother. It’s probably not a healthy coping mechanism but I can’t bear to listen to their delusions that he just needs a couple of months and he’ll be right as rain, or thinking about how much of their money they’re giving him. Is it an option for you to tell your parents that you just want to see them by themselves?