Brother heroin addict- anyone else? Can we offer support to each other?

[Goodmum1234]

My brother had been a heroin
Addict for more than 20 years. It nearly cost him his life 6 weeks ago but he's recovering. Says he'll never touch the stuff again. Brilliant, I think but have a nagging doubt that once he's better physically he'll be back to his old ways. Anyone else?? Good news, bad news, support required and offered. Could just do with chatting to people on here as it's been our family secret for so long c

Hi @Goodmum1234

How are you doing? My DB was in active addiction for 18 years ..... 5 rehabs, 2 detox centres, 2 jail sentences, "died" twice. Lost all contact rights to his daughter.

4 years ago he was the walking dead. He had one last go, a rehab had a space for him and we got him in. At the end of this month he will be 4 years clean.

As a family. We always made sure he had clothes and was fed. But we couldn't allow IV heroin use under our roof, you have to protect your children and husband.

My heart goes out to you, I pray and hope you and your DB get the help you need.

I'm lying awake and came across your post, it's made me cry. I know the pain you're in.

Please reach out to other people who've have gone or are going through this, addiction doesn't just affect the user.

Al Anon is a good start.

Thinking of you and your suffering DB

Realised I posted on this under a different name years ago! | glad you came back OP

I hope you are well. I wouldn’t wish what is being discussed here on my worst enemy but I have to admit that I am so comforted by everyones stories. I feel so alone and it has helped me immensely just to be reminded that my situation is neither unique or rare.
My brother has been a drug user for more years than I care to remember but has been using heroin daily for approximately 7 years. We come from a fairly large very loving and close family but I have never felt so alone my entire life. I love my siblings dearly but have a very close bond with this particular brother. He is older than me and has always been very protective of me. This man who I idolised as a child, was big, handsome, kind, generous and fearless. I thought he was capable of anything. He was the first person we all called if we were in trouble because he always had a solution. I feel unable to go into too much detail about how his addiction has changed him because I feel so disloyal. I feel guilty even admitting it on here where I am completely anonymous.
He has now stopped and has been clean for around 3 weeks. The problem is that I’ve lost count of how many times we’ve been here. 8? 9? Who knows. Every time the feeling of happiness and relief is incredible and for a time I get my big brother back. Then weeks later his phone calls and texts become less frequent and on the rare occasions that I do see him he looks thinner and more disheveled. I’m trying so hard to have faith in him because although my siblings love him they have had to distance themselves to an extent which I understand as they need to protect themselves from any more pain. He trusts and confides in me and no matter what happens I cannot abandon him (though I totally understand why this is not possible for everyone and me not having kids makes a difference). I am just waiting for the next relapse and for the whole cycle to begin again. I realise this post sounds selfish and I did not intend to make it all about me (which I know I have) but I feel like I’m carrying this heavy weight around with me 24 hours a day. When he doesn’t return my calls or texts for a day or two I live in constant fear and I am always waiting for ‘that call’.
He will not seek professional help and involving the rest of our family is not an option. I don’t know why I’m posting this if I’m honest. As I said, I feel disloyal. I think I just wanted to tell someone and strangers were my only option. It’s been another long and sleepless night and I just needed to tell someone. Once again I’m sorry for the Me Me Me nature of this post. I can hear from what you’ve all had to say that my experience is nothing in comparison with what you’ve all been through but if anyone has read this then thank you very much for taking the time and I hope that you’re well and things improve for you soon.

I have a sister with a 20 year heroin addiction. I totally understand all the feelings of guilt. I wish she would get help.

Hi lovelygreeneyes. I’m sorry to hear about your Sister. I understand how incredibly painful it is and what you’re going through. You’re not alone x

Hello all, original op here. This thread is 5 years old. Another 5 years of misery with hope in between. Some great stuff but some things you wouldn’t wish in your worst enemy.
This little group has become my saviour as I have had some very low times snd I know it stems from my brother. My brother has lost all of his teeth. He is dirty but off the stuff he says. He is in a shelter for people with issues whilst I live in comparative luxury.
Can I talk about feeling jealous if two sets of people. Firstly, those who are only children. Secondly if those who have ‘normal’ siblings with loads of cousins for their children to play with. They go out on day trips and have someone blood who has their back.

Sorry, nice to get it out there. In parts this has ruined my life. The anxiety watching someone literally dying in front of you. The aching agony of grief but over and over. Will they die, get run over, drive a car and kill someone, end up in prison. Bring shame on the family again.
Phew that feels better. I hope you’re all doing well. Thank you all for posting as I read them over again and do not feel as alone as I would otherwise.
No one in my real life goes through this hell so why me/ us ? ❤️

Goodmum1234 How are you doing? I haven’t posted for a while. Nothing has changed apart from finding out recently that over the last five years or so my brother has had over £40,000 from my Mother. She’s an intelligent woman and by no means naive but where her children are concerned she chooses not to see our bad traits. He has given her various sob stories such as needing mortgage money or he will lose his home, needing car payment money or his car will be repossessed etc etc. I’m so angry that he could do this to her. He swore her to secrecy but as she’s getting older (late 70’s) and her health is not as it was I have been helping her to deal with her finances and that is how I found out. I have told her not to give him any more money but I can’t tell her why because I honestly think it would kill her. I don’t know how much more I can take. I just want to make him understand the damage he is doing to us. The constant worry is making me ill. I’m grieving for someone that’s still alive

Lizzie1980 I feel your pain. I’m grieving everyday and feel I’m about to breakdown- literally. I’ve been in bed all day just to try to block it all out. Children think I have a headache but it’s depression again. I love him and despise him in equal measure if that makes any sense. I wish I had no memory of him and he’d just disappear

I'm not a sibling but my BIL is addicted to cocaine and grass.

He have just discovered that he has access to his mums bank card and spent approx £10k from her account in the last year.

He lives at home, pays no bills. She's even paying for his car insurance and mobile phone. He is 34.

He will admit he has an issue with drugs but doesn't want to stop.

She won't kick him out. She has taken the bank card away.

She needs help to understand that she is facilitating his drug use.

He works full time, self employed. But has no money. It all goes on drugs.

Can anyone recommend who she can speak to. We know we can't help him until he wants it. But we need to help my MIL.

She's terrified that she will have to bury him .

There is support for the families/friends where they suspect or know that a loved one has a drug addiction. I’m so grateful that I found www.familiesanonymous.org.uk they have a helpline, literature, UK wide meetings including some face to face meetings.
My loved one has benefitted from me seeking support and more importantly so have I. My loved one could no longer live with us, as we were all scared of him, your home should be your sanctuary not a war zone! The most important lesson I learnt was not to enable, as I was keeping my loved one sick, an addict has to feel the consequences of their poor choices otherwise their is no incentive to get better. Why change, when somebody provides you with a home, food, money etc. Not a dignified way for a grown man to live. Fear stops us taking effective action and addicts are so manipulative.
Remember, you cannot CURE it, cannot CONTROL it and you didn’t CAUSE it.

Thank you. I'll check them out. I think the family all need to sit down together to speak about how they are feeling and how to approach this. MIL will never kick him out. But she needs to stop paying his bills. She needs to somehow take a step back and see that she isn't helping him. She is just making it easier for him to take drugs.

My brother died a few years ago now. He was an addict for 20+ years. We didn't have a relationship for many years because his life was so erratic. He was a different person - the drugs take over and were all that mattered to him. My heart goes out to all of you who are dealing with this. I'm glad my brother isn't suffering anymore. Addiction is horrific and it tears families apart. My mum and dad were the same and would always give him money for whatever story he came to them with even though they knew where it was going. I can't imagine how difficult to turn your back when it is your child but it is not helping them by enabling them to continue the behaviour. I grieved for my brother long before he died - such a waste of a life and what could have been.

I came in here for some support.

I have a brother with a drug addiction.

About 4 years ago, so much changed with him. His outings with his friends, the state he came home in, his hangovers, mood and personality change. I didnt know what was wrong with him. I wrote on an online forum about the issues and it was someone else who suggested that he's taking drugs to me. Then it fell into place. The signs did point to drugs. I was a little bit slow coming around to the idea and maybe I was in denial but there's no doubt in my mind now. My mom was much slower to realise drugs. I saw my mom's heart was breaking. I saw him go out with his friends so many times and not come home and when he did come home, he would crash in his bed. I took my mom aside one weekend and I told her that he's taking drugs and I said I don't know what kind of drugs but I told her the signs so far point to drugs. I told her just to prepare her so that she's not crashing into a pit of dispair worrying about him. I told her that when he comes back, he's going to crash into his bed until next weekend. I think maybe that was the first point. About 2 years ago, he wasn't able to hold down his job and the girlfriend left him too. He placed his nights out with his friends ahead of everything else where he crashed for days,avoiding the family and only getting up at night time. Then whenever he does get up, just not talking. There might me a grunt here or there from him if you tried talking to him.

I'm finding this very difficult. He's not the person I once knew. He's withdrawn, cold and distant. He suffers from insomnia. Maybe there is some hayfever going on too or maybe its a result of snorting drugs. I don't know. There could be some depression now too. I don't know. He won't go to the doctor. He is in his room a lot and rarely gets up. When he does get up he hardly talks. I think he's making some effort with out mother now but that's it. Me and him, we don't really have a relationship as such. We both live together at home with our mother. He never talks to me. The only thing is a vague lame hello when he passes me.

I don't know what his drugs are. I think there is definitely weed. I smell smokey pungent smell some nights and it travels through the house even with doors closed. I think there is harder drugs when he's with his friends. He followed lockdown thank goodness and reduced his outings with his friends. A lot of the time he was withdrawn in his room. Then other times he ws up and in ok form. About once every 3 or 4 months last year, he went to hang out with his friends and he would come home and crash in his bed. Like he would come home on a Saturday night or Sunday and he would crash in his bed until Thursday. There was an episode last yesr where he started drinking at home on a Thursday evening and he stayed up drinking all night. I suspect he took drugs that night but I don't know what ones.

I know if I was to ask him what drugs he's using he probably won't be very honest. He might reply weed but I think there's something much more that weed. Either that or weed has him completely ruined. From discussions on Reddit, I think maybe he's using speed or mephedrone.

I came home yesterday evening from work and he was in his room. It was 8 O clock when I came home. He was in there all night until after midnight and then he got up. I think maybe he waits for mothers and my bedroom doors to close for the night and then he's gets up. It's 11.15 Friday morning and he is still in his bed.

At this stage I am beginning to take all of this personally and I'm thinking why is he avoiding me, what have I done on him. He does make an effort with our mother now but he completely avoids me.

I can relate to so much that's written here too. My mother has taken a softie approach with my brother because she's also terrified that she will have to bury him.

He's cold, withdrawn and distant. From my observations, the only time he bounces from that, are usually on mornings where it turns out he goes out later on that day to visit his friends. Does that make sense?

I suspect hes going out for a hit of drugs or to gain a supply of drugs. That's the only time he bounces with energy and joy. He's usually fairly rude and obnoxious to me and our mother during these spells when he is getting ready to go out.

My brother has been evicted from his accommodation and is now sleeping on a park
There’s nothing I can do.
I hate him because I love him
I feel like he’s destroying me as I did have a breakdown in may. I took 3 weeks of work
I won’t let it destroy me and therapy is helping but I’m so angry at what he does to my family

He has been homeless since Friday and is in a bad way. It’s everyone else’s fault but his.
He is begging for help but I cannot give anymore. What would you do?
He’s at rock bottom and I’m ignoring him. I cannot have him near me. He needs to sort himself now.
I’m so torn

Goodmum1234 I’m so sorry. You must be worried sick! There’s only so much you can do though and this may sound harsh but you need to put yourself and your family first. I know exactly how you feel. I’m so angry with my brother for the worry he is putting us through but I only worry because I love him. I just want to shake him and tell him to pull himself together but I fear he’s now too far gone.
One day I’ll get a phone call to say he’s gone. I’ve already rehearsed the conversation in my head where I have to break the news to our family. He’s ruined my life as well as his own but I love the selfish bastard

Sept update
My brother hit rock bottom in august and I let him. He was rough sleeping for a week and attempted suicide. He did not succeed thank goodness. He received help from a charity and me eventually. I put him up in a hotel fir a week whilst emergency accommodation was sorted.
He’s settled in, has not used heroin since august and is in a good place-wow! Never thought I’d be writing that! He looks well and is phoning to chat rather than beg. He hasn’t asked for just a tenner! I’m tearful writing this as it might not last but my good this is the best he’s been for years. Hope is there for everyone struggling xxx

Sending hugs.

I've been reading this thread since 2017 as my brother was also s heroin addict.

He got clean and was clean for over ten years. He put us through hell before that.

Sadly he died last year.

I hope you are ok and your brother stays clean.

Hi, mine killed himself with a heroin overdose in April 2017. Deliberate, I think.

Another sibling of an addict here, although my brother died at the end of 2016, it was three days before his 26th birthday. I can’t believe it’s nearly been five years.

His drug use was mixed, it certainly appeared like anything and everything he could get his hands on at times, but he ultimately died of a fentanyl overdose (flurobutyrfentanil - one of those super lethal fentanyl analogues killing people just from touching it) that he bought on the dark web. He smoked it, never injected as far as I know (I asked the pathologist at the inquest if he’d seen any evidence of intravenous use and he said not). The coroner even summoned the toxicologist to the inquest to talk to us about the toxicology results because these drugs are so new that the science didn’t exist at that point (and maybe still doesn’t) to quantify potency or what would be a lethal dose.

To this day I don’t know if he deliberately ended his life, if it was a total accident, or if he’d just got to a point with his drug use that he didn’t care what the outcome was.

There was all kinds of other stuff in his system on the toxicology from the coroner including multiple types of benzodiazepines, but none of them in massive amounts.

It’s not clear to me where his pain came from or what the trigger was, we didn’t have the easiest childhoods, but to my knowledge there was no abuse either. Just young parents doing their best, not getting on very well, and not having much routine or predictability. Although it seems obvious that such prolific drug use was an attempt to compensate for something.

I miss him. He was so bright, had so much potential, he could have charmed the hind legs off a donkey. He had the most sophisticated palate, loved food. He went to reception class with tuna dressed in balsamic vinegar on his sandwiches with cornichons on the side. He was just so naturally gifted and the luckiest boy alive - always won every competition he entered.

I’m hearing you all and send my sincerest condolences to all of you that have lost someone to this most dreadful disease. I’ll call it disease as it’s as bad as any life limiting disease I’ve heard of. Worse than that though, as it doesn’t often come with any sympathy, more shame and disgust from those lucky people that never have to deal with this.
I dread the good times as they’ve never lasted so I’m holding onto Hope at the moment.
Zeal- my brother is like yours. Clever, funny and smart. We discussed weather he had/ has undiagnosed adhd as he was a ‘naughty child’. No trauma that I know of and I’ve done ok. It’s all a catastrophic mystery x

ADHD raises questions about it for me too. I’ve just been diagnosed, my other male sibling and mum both almost certainly have it.
I wonder if he started off trying to self medicate for his symptoms and ended up in deeper than he’d planned.

I was reluctant to post on the thread with another story of the worst possible outcome, but it’s a part of it I guess, a fear that I had for a long time before it actually happened. I always knew it was coming in a way.

I’m so glad your brother is in a good place now. I will think positive thoughts for his continued recovery.

I know this thread has been inactive for a while, so I may just be speaking to myself here - but how do you all cope?

I've struggled to maintain my relationship with addicted family member for the last 15 years. So much stress and hurt. I don't know that I can do it anymore, but what does that even look like? I can't walk away, I'm all they have left in the world and I love them. I'm their only person left, every other bridge is burned, family and friends. It's so much pressure, I feel responsible for them and their suffering but know by now there's really nothing I can do to help.

Even if I think about trying to put it from my mind, to step back and just get on with my own life, the guilt is immense.

But I can't live with these feelings any longer, it's eating away at me.