Brother heroin addict- anyone else? Can we offer support to each other?

[Goodmum1234]

My brother had been a heroin
Addict for more than 20 years. It nearly cost him his life 6 weeks ago but he's recovering. Says he'll never touch the stuff again. Brilliant, I think but have a nagging doubt that once he's better physically he'll be back to his old ways. Anyone else?? Good news, bad news, support required and offered. Could just do with chatting to people on here as it's been our family secret for so long c

Will read properly but just wanted to say, like others have, you are not alone. My brother has dabbled in everything. I don't know what I don't know and I know I don't know everything. I wonder how it will all turn out. I think I am coming to acceptance. It's bloody hard. I feel sad for him and guilty that his life turned out this way but increasingly that I need to let go and hover rather than be so involved. I can't see him ever changing but that would hurt him deeply to say, I guess I need to retain hope.

Reading the comments stirs up a lot. Mine hasn't worked for 15+ years and is currently having a crisis. I think the best thing is having boundaries for yourself and loved ones. The lies are the worst as you feel like you are going mad.

My brother too. Active addiction for 16 years. Nearly died 3 times.

2 years ago was voluntary sectioned after a psychotic episode.

6 months rehab (for the 5th time) 3 months half way house.

He has just celebrated his 2nd year "birthday" clean.

12 step program worked daily.

I wish you every hope. When there is life there is hope.

There will be one of 2 phone calls, the phone call for help or the phone call everyone dreads.

Nasty Nasty disease, my thoughts are with you.

Helpful to read other's stories. My brother also has issues, but with cocaine. Myself and one of my parents have ended up on anti-depressants with the stress of it. And this has only been going on for 18 months (that we know of - I now think he was hiding it well/high functioning for a couple of years previously). Hats off to anyone who has dealt with this for decades. The phrase 'emotional rollercoaster' really describes it best for me - sometimes I'm so incredibly angry with him, other times just terrified and sad at what he's become and where he will end up. We had such a lovely childhood, I don't know why he would be so stupid as to take stuff. The resulting psychosis really complicates things wrt recovery as well.

We were told over the 16 years many many different strategies, let him hit rock bottom, let him do his worst. But we didn't EVER EVER turn our backs. And he was A VILE LYING NASTY FILTHY JUNKIE.

Now he speaks in schools, prisons, other 12 step program events.

He will always say, and I found this so humbling. When trying to help someone else, albeit just reaching out, a sponsee or just a bit of advice - "I'm just another junkie mate, just like you"

Everyone's rock bottom is different, it doesn't have to always be the gutter ...... x

Hi, posted about this in 30 days. Come here for support. DB is not a heroin addict but he has other issues, cocaine use and alcohol, with mental health issues. Maybe this thread can be for all us siblings?

The drug issues have been a constant feature but never his driving motivation.

However he really needs to stop because the trouble follows him everywhere. He was a victim of cuckooing. Last week he took my credit card and spent 600 on cocaine. I had him cautioned which I am convinced was the best thing to do. He is incredibly remorseful and wants to get help, for the first time ever. He talks about rehab or NA and AA.

Knowing he went so far is just not easily forgiveable. I gave a lot of myself to helping him.

I am grieving for him. Again.

I decided to write to his doctor about concerns, to discuss treatment options with him. I am also stepping contact right back.

to you all.

There is always hope.

Hi regular name change here. I’ve read through your posts and know these situations well. My brother is a nightmare, about to turn 31. He has no job, no real friends, no life. He lives with my parents and is ruining their lives. Over the last 10/11 years he has been addicted to gambling, heroin, countless other drugs including coke, ketamine and cannabis. He has ruined himself, he looks years older than he is, has rotten teeth and is skin and bone. The last twelve months have been the worst for my mum. She has been there for him constantly, no matter what. Sat with him as he went through withdrawal from the heroin, took him to have a needle fragment removed from his leg, defended him to my dad when he wanted to throw him out. (He has other medical problems which must be drug induced) But his behaviour just gets worse, he has been on/off with the most toxic gf for 3 years. Last year she got him into shoplifting whilst my DH and I were away with my folks. They took my dads credit card using it for contactless payments, this went into hundreds of pounds. Gf also went through my mums bedroom and advertised unopened luxury cosmetics of hers for sale on Facebook. Ever since my mum has been paying police fines for my brothers shoplifting offences. He’d been stealing high value items all last year. Stores pass on cctv to the police from months ago and then ask for the goods to be paid for or face a sentence. Mum paid as my bro said it was a one time thing. She has paid £70 (often a lot more) a week on average since last summer. She has hidden this from my dad as he is a very moral person and would be devastated. Mum is running out of money and confided in me at the end of last year. My brothers behaviour has got worse (stress of the situation mum says) he sleeps round the clock and barely eats. I am sure he’s still taking drugs just don’t know what. My mum looks dreadful with the guilt of it all and barely sleeps. My dad is clearly frustrated with my brother, his lack of hygiene, work ethic , life choice and I would say dad is depressed (as is mum). My dad tolerates my brother because every time he try’s to throw him out it devastates mum. She thinks he’ll end up dead or in prison. Last year I contacted the drs and we tried to get him some help. But he was on waiting lists for ages and had a couple of therapy sessions and that was it. Don’t know if this was due to bro missing appointments etc, he is a compulsive liar so I wouldn’t believe anything he said. I could write forever about the terrible things my brother has done! I don’t know where to turn for help or how to help my parents. I have no one to talk to about it all, friends don’t understand and my DH has run out of patience, he is very wary about my bro being round our baby. My parents support my brother financially, he pays for nothing. I know they are ashamed and embarrassed by him. He has no confidence and struggles at social events as he has nothing to contribute.my mum has a big birthday coming up, I’ve planned all sorts, he will be there but I think she might prefer it if he wasn’t. Ultimately my brother is destroying my parents relationship and their lives. I can’t see a happy ending in sight and have started to worry about one of my parents doing something terrible. Does anyone have advice about where I can get help? Thank you for your previous posts and I’m sorry this was such a long post I just needed to vent x

Historyrepeating1234 there are charities which offer support to the relatives of drug/alcohol users. Drugfam is one, they have a network of places in the South East and one in Peterborough. There must be more charities in the country that can help.
They don't just listen they can offer practical coping strategies and would help your parents focus on their own wellbeing and not their son.
It does sound like they need urgent support.
If you'r brother is still using would he attend an addiction centre and consider medication to help get off the drugs for good? The wait lists are long and he would need to show he's committed which I understand is very difficult with a chaotic addict.
I feel for you, it's a truly horrid situation to be in.

Thank you for your response, I’ll have a look at those charities. They’re not anywhere near us, there doesn’t seem to be much help in our immediate area. But they might be able to point me in the right direction.

@Historyrepeating1234

It's awful, I've gone NC with my DB. His talk of NA and AA amounted to nothing.

Does your DM know that the shop lifting and theft is related to drugs and addiction? My DM was always in denial about the drugs, it took DB stealing from me for her to recognise it. I hope you can get your parents along to an AdFam support group. Two weeks ago DM met a neighbour whose son it turned out has schizophrenia and drug issues. It gave her a lot of strength to talk to someone, she has never known anyone in a similar situation .

For DB have a look for your local drug and alcohol services, he'd have to want to get help though. Here is a link to addiction centres www.ukat.co.uk/

Prison can be a place to access help for addiction etc. and turn things around.

Just checking in. Another sad story here. Brother has been a drug user for 25 years now, heroin for the last 15.

He drove everyone away in the end except my dad who stood by him till his Alzheimers got too bad - after which db financially abused him to the tune of £80,000. All went on drugs. When the money ran out he smashed my dad's house up. At this point he was sent to prison and now has a restraining order against him forbidding
him to contact my dad or go round to his house.

Hes a very troubled soul too in his own way but nothing can be done mental health wise till he gives up drugs and so far he's never managed that for more than a couple of months.

Just checking back in on this thread, around March /April I was doing a lot of research to see if I could help my brother. But it all amounted to nothing as usual, he still looks terrible and the situation at home is no better. He didn’t take part in my mums birthday weekend, kept saying he would show but he didn’t. He claims to be ill a lot (stomach trouble mainly), he now has what seems to be an abscess in his mouth. He can’t even make a doctors/dentist appointment and keep it. It’s very hard watching someone waste away. It’s my daughter 1st birthday later in the month, I don’t know if he’ll come to her party. He looks so ghastly people stare. He can’t cope being around people. I’ve looked into charities etc but you can’t help people who don’t want to change. Thank you to everyone that replied to my post, it’s so hard and no one can understand unless they’ve been through it. I’d be devastated if he ruined my parents home @BarbariansMum, thats unforgivable. At the moment I don’t see my brother living that long. It’s good to have a place like this to share from time to time. I wish I had something positive to say, but unfortunately everything seems so bad right now.

My BIL has moved house again; away from the place where started using heroin, but back to the place where he was abusing cocaine and benzodiazepines. Unfortunately, despite the benzos being responsible for him wrecking several cars, losing his license, and getting hospitalised several times, he still seems to have a casual attitude to them.

What's extra stressful is he has seizures from time to time, which could be related to the drug use (withdrawl symptom from the benzos, up to 6 months), but could be indicative of another health issue. His doctors don't seem to explain to him that they might be related.

The siblings gathered a while back to sniff out if he was interested in treatment, but unfortunately he's been exposed to too many "functioning" addicts, so they're telling him he can handle things on his own and he's believing them. Not to mention that even the golden child of the family smokes weed casually, which makes him feel that they can't tell him what to do because they're hypocrites if they use at all.

I swear, the whole thing makes me tempted to go full temperance movement on everyone. It's heartbreaking to hear siblings say they're trying to prepare themselves for that other phone call.

Best wishes to everyone. It's rough but it's so helpful to hear there are others in similar situations, not to mention the hopeful stories of possible outcomes down the road.

SIL just passed away after 30 years as a crack addict. Her kids have lived with my parents since very young, but the trauma of her death has been awful to see. My brother has just revealed to us that he is addicted to crack; we suspected cocaine but shocked to find out it is actually crack. He has battled drug and gambling addictions for years; he has ask the typical behaviours of an addict. It is utterly devastating for the family - this has been going on for over 30 years.
I also feel terribly sad for my brother: who decides to wake up one day and become a crack addict?? It’s such a complex and misunderstood problem, people often blaming the addict when in reality it is an illness that needs lengthy, intensive and very expensive treatment. The physical addiction needs to be dealt with but then there is the psychological side as well. I don’t know what to do because it affects my mental health, which isn’t great. My near 80 year old dad has taken on the challenge.....

@Valenciaoranges so sorry to hear about your SIL, and bless her children, what an awful time of year for it to happen. Nothing to add really, I could have written much of your post (thankfully there are no kids as far as we know) - but I understand how difficult it is to deal with this when your own MH isn't great, and then the tremendous guilt when you have an elderly parent trying to sort things out. My counsellor emphasises how important it is not to get too involved in the drama and to maintain boundaries and not try and get into fixing their problems, but gosh it's difficult.

I posted on this thread along time ago. I’m just looking for people with similar situations. It’s a long story but here it goes. As I previously posted my 32 year old brother has had numerous addictions. All of this has led to my parents being unable to holiday without him. We’ve all been away for almost 2 weeks now (abroad). My folks, husband, brother and toddler daughter. We were all having a great time until this week. My brother started to feel unwell and ended up at the doctors. My mum didn’t go into the appointment with him as he’s “32”. Anyway he came away with antibiotics, medicine for his stomach,2 types of antidepressants and sleeping tablets. The dr asked what he takes at home, he said he’d forgotten to bring the antidepressants and sleeping pills on holiday. Anyway he took handfuls of both and was completely out of his mind all day. He was incoherent, loud, aggressive and walking like a zombie. He spent all night in our shared bathroom, having hot baths??!! The following morning he was no better. My mum kept trying to reason with him and get him to sleep it off. My dad chose to ignore the situation for the most part. My dh and I choose to leave the accommodation for the sake of our daughter and try to finish our holiday. This had led to a big fall out with my parents , we have ruined the holiday. The 3 of them are now flying home 3 days early and I am wracked with guilt. My husband says it’s not my fault. Why do I feel like I ruined their dream holiday with their grandchild? My brother is constantly causing rifts in our family and putting my mum under enormous strain. My husband normally gets along with my parents but doesn’t react well in these situations. He was very worried about our daughter being disturbed by my brother or him upsetting her. He thinks my parents should be tougher with him. I know my dad has all but given up and my mum worries that if she cuts ties he will die. He’s still draining her of money and I’m worried she has taken on debt to pay off police fines he keeps getting. I just wish life could be simple. I’m breaking my heart over this, but I know my brother won’t even loose sleep. He to thinks I’ve ruined it all. Sorry for the long post.

@Historyrepeating1234 That sounds like quite a big prescription to give him and certainly he has taken it irresponsbily. I would be having firm words with him about tsking his medication properly. Also it should have been checked that he had all his meds before coming away. I realise that there is the he is 32 argument, but he is not functioning at the same level as most 32 year olds. Meds are there to keep someone stable.

DB now 43 ruined many Christmasses because of forgetting to take his meds, having a big night before.

It sounds to me like your mums guilt is kind of the issue, and it is being transferred to you. IME it is very hard for mums to let go. They may never.

Parents seem to struggle with being firm with adult children, I suspect there is a partial vulnerability, a young male with an agressive streak is a lot stronger than them, and on some level they may know and be unconsciously exploiting this. Its very easy to say be firmer, but put yourself in their shoes, imagine it was your 32 year old son who might kick off. Also there is an inherent bias to want to see the good in a child, so things seem to improve for a while then slip back.

The approach I take (or try to in my better days) is not be allowed to be taken for a mug (sadly this means DB cannot come round) and keeping things shorter and having a balance with being a little bit compassionate (I will listen to DB but never give him money).

Be kind to yourself.

Evening everybody,
I started this thread a few years ago snd have happened upon it again.
I have re-read it all with great sadness.
After years, I have gone NC with my brother as my mental health was taking a real dive. My parents have become very strong and will not have him at home anymore. I’m proud of them.
We don’t know where he’s living but we know he’s alive. I’ve been so angry with him and called him evil names but now feel no guilt, just the cycle of ‘bereavement’ again.

Let me know how things are for you

Hi all, I know this is an old thread that reappears occasionally but I just wanted to thank you all for sharing your experiences. I am going through similar with my brother at the moment, I had to throw him out on Christmas day and am currently wracked with guilt even though I know I had no choice. As someone said further up although I wouldn't wish this on anyone it's nice to know you're not the only one going through this and so many of you have put into words the feelings I've been trying to make sense of for years.

Endogal, what an awful Christmas Day for you! I’ve had to remove my brother from my house before but never again as unfortunately he will never be welcome to stay again,

Can I just ask any sibling of an addict, do you ever feel
Jealous of others who have a happy relationship with their sibling? I really do. I get upset at seeing happy sibling families sharing good times with each other and end up saying, ‘why me’
My children have no proper uncle and never will 😥

Just read this thread again. It's utterly miserable having a family member with such intense addictions. I let my brother back in again when he discovered he had a brain tumour. We all supported him and he seemed to be doing well, then the usual happened, not answering the phone etc. It causes such intense worry for my poor mum. He was pretty vile on Christmas day as well which resulted in me telling him he was a waste of space- not proud of myself for that. Now I'm worried he will do something stupid and it will be my fault.
For all of you suffering, my heart goes out to you.

Valenciaoranges thanks for your message on here.
I have said some utterly vile things in the past but I no longer feel guilt. I was pushed to my limit, the whole family was.
It can ruin things but we often don’t let it. We carry on with life but with a cloud hanging over, just waiting for the next surprise eg. Losing job number ??, living back with heroin user ex, being on local constabulary Facebook page for shoplifting (cctv) when he had a job that paid over 30k a year 😥, being called by the hospital to say he might not make the night.
Others do not get it. I’d say it’s like watching your loved one die in front of your eyes but slowly as they lose their teeth, their looks, they limp, they are covered in sores, they look like a dead-person 😞.
When he goes off (I’m relieved) but I mourn all over again, you know deep heavy ugly crying for mine and my families loss. But then I get back to a reasonable space again and continue .
All the best everyone on here for 2021. Would be great to have updates from you

There is help and support for the family/friends of loved ones who have a drug addiction, I have a loved one with an addiction and I felt alone, ashamed, fearful etc. Fortunately I discovered www.familiesanonymous.org.uk they have a website,forum,helpline,literature and have online meetings during lockdown, it’s a 12 step programme. Through listening to other members shares, I’ve learnt not to enable, tough love and that I need to look after myself. My life has improved for the better & my loved one’s life has also improved, he actually thanked me for using tough love, because it meant that he had to suffer the consequences of his poor choices.
You are not alone, that there is help for families.

Hi everyone
Original thread poster here.
I’m in a bad place. Need to say out loud what I’ve done.
. My brother has been thrown out of his last chance accommodation and has told me.

I have rejected him as the few times he has stayed he has caused enormous problems for me mentally plus I cannot have an iv heroin addict shooting up whilst my children play next door (happened last time 😥) cannot have him make me feel like I’m going mad finding shoe laces and foil in random places.

I’ve said no. I feel like I’ve just signed his suicide note. I could be there with him now. Scooping him up, bringing him to food and warmth and a clean bed but I have said no.

He has no where or no one as he has broken too many bridges.

I feel like I’m waiting for THAT phone call but could stop it by getting in my car, driving 10miles and picking him up. But I said no

My children are 6 and 10. My husband does not deserve to have him back under our roof as it will cause me anxiety and depression.

Sorry. Just need to say it out loud