Thanks for your support

[YoJesse]

Well done wonkylampshade your campaign worked

I'm sorry I didn't reply to yours and MrsTP s last posts. I just didn't want the thread to keep hanging around. You and so many posters have been amazing and so patient with me and my bullshit.

Not really sure there's anything new to post. Things are rumbling on, no big changes on the outside yet as (and I know I'm trotting out the same old line) things are still better than they used to be. However he is definitely smoking more weed and buy lots more stronger skunk like amnesia. First time I'd ever smoked it and shit it is strong! He's drinking about 1-2 bottles of wine a night which I know sounds like a lot but it doesn't affect him that much. Nothing harder than that though.
I don't know what I want to get from another thread but both times it's definitely started cracking through my wall of crap I've built up. Just for you to share what it was like with your ex is good because, although you sound like a much better and more together person than me I do see so many similarities between our situations.

If anything it's good to use our shiny new talk topic!!!

If you associate something with using, I'd avoid for now. But look into yoga. I used to go at the Buddhist centre in sunny Croudon and it was great. Meditation as well, which is really good for stress!

Sorry I haven't checked in sooner! You're sounding positive, and it's great you talked properly to your mum.

If you love music could you pick up an instrument? Different from sitting listening to it as it's an active, rather than passive, activity.

Time to did out my guitar whilst I'm home. I begged for a guitar and lessons when I was a teenager, then gave up very quickly when I realised I wasn't a musical genius

Hey Jesse, just checking in - wondering how you're doing?

Me too checking in!

Hi, thanks for checking in! Back home from mum's. He'd been staying in the flat whilst I'd been away I think as it looked a bit of a tip (just what you want before a hv visit ) but no sign of him. His sister tells me he's staying with family.

Ds is doing well adjusting I think and hasn't really mentioned his Dad. Im feeling up and down. Sometimes it's good and it's like breathing out for the first time in years and then in the evening it can be awful. I'm stupid but I do miss him so much. we are going to meet up at some point to discuss everything. We still haven't really talked it through. I want ds and H to have a good and close relationship.

Sounds like you're doing well. So glad. I know it's hard to make he break but just remember why you're going through this in the first place.

Sometimes it's like looking back on my own situation when DD was a baby. I fought to maintain her relationship with her Dad to start with too. Remember though, that you are not responsible for his relationship with DS - if he's a good dad he will make sure that relationship grows and flourishes, by sorting himself out and behaving like a decent dad, making sure DS isn't exposed to any more of his crap.

Did you dig out your guitar in the end!?

be really careful talking things through. Just remember what your boundaries are. For you and DS.

Lol no it turns out my cousins nicked it!

I'm meeting him tomorrow one to one. Ds has gone to stay with my brother for the weekend so he won't be seeing him. It'll just be me. I'm clear with my boundaries and won't take any crap. we both just think talking together honestly without anyone else, family or sw etc around needs to happen. I'm clear it's over.

I do still want to make sure he has a positive and active relationship with his Dad. I think he really wants that too.

We met up and I got sucked in feeling sorry for him. I'm an idiot. No more contact without other sensible people (my family, social worker) with me.
I really thought I was immune to his shit by now .
I want to think it would have been different if ds was around but right now I'm at my most honest and I can't honestly say I know that for sure.

It's all learning. Rather than feeling bad, feel good that you learned something really important. That you can't meet him alone.

It's only been five minutes, of course you aren't immune yet. But you will get there.

What happened when you met him?

Won't be too hard on yourself and as MrsTP says, feel positive that you recognise you're drawn in by him.

Remember you've spent a long time being pulled along in his wake so it's going to take time to extricate yourself mentally.

Another thing to remember is he's a good manipulator and he's had plenty of practise on you, so he knows your weak spots.

Chin up.

Thanks, I've learnt my lesson.

We met in a local park (against the advice of some other very experienced m netters on relationships) and he looked a state and my heart went out to him. I was ready to feel numb or angry and strong and it all just evaporated. He came back to the flat as he needed some cash he'd left and to buy some weed. We ended up in bed.

I feel so stupid and ashamed of myself, but yes it's a learning curve which resulted in no more contact. I just feel so relieved he's not here this morning

Well now you know to listen to the wise MNers. You seem stuck in the caring role. Because looking a state and wanting to cash to buy weed isn't that sexy generally. Unless he looks like this...

Don't feel ashamed of yourself. Guilt and shame are only useful to stop us doing the same silly things over and over. If you won't again, time to be done with the shame. If you are tempted to meet up again, that's when you need that emotion!

Lol, no he doesn't look like that sadly
And no its not sexy at all and I'm definitely not planning it again.

Very sad

I'm going to stop posting here now. I can never express to you both how much you've helped me over the last few months. Between you two, throwingshade, lemonade, Phequer, Anyfucker, Costa, voldy, alis, etc I have been helped immensely. I know I'll continue to turn things around but I've got to do this myself and I am. What I've realised is that I'm weaker than I thought. There is absolutely no way I'm taking him back and that is the most amazing thing you've all equipped me with. Thanks again and sorry to continually let everyone down.

Choughed too. Thanks

Good luck love. And remember; two steps forward and one back is still progress. You have let no one down.

Best of luck Jesse, you're going in the right direction.

A small update. I've been sober/clean for nearly four weeks now and I think more importantly, completely NC with my ex.
My son is doing well at my mum's and we Skype daily. Ive seen him too. He's such an amazing little man and has been getting on really well. When everything went really tits up last month I was so scared he'd be taken away and I'd lost him but it's not like that. Next month if all keeps on going well I'll be moving back in with my Mum and ds. It's horrible it came to this but it's been the biggest scariest wake up call.

I know a month is no time at all and I'm not looking for support or validation for anything but after getting (and exhausting) posters support, I wanted to say that it hasn't all been for nothing and I am turning things around. My son is going to have a different upbringing to the one we were giving him.

I'm so ashamed it came to this but if that's what it had to take then I guess that's the way it had to be.

I've been talking it through in counseling and I've realised that when we split up I was waiting for that big hit or relief and uphoria that posters said they'd experienced getting out of toxic relationships and when it didn't come instantly, I starting spiraling out of control. I'm selfish, no doubt about it and I wanted that instant gratification for an action. My gratification now will be living with ds again and knowing I'm giving him a chance.

I hope to keep posting every now and then with more positive updates like this.

That's a lovely update.

Well done .

Jesse, I've just seen your update! Amazing. Well done, you sound so resolute, and you have a much more realistic perspective on what your situation was. So proud of you - WELL DONE, keep going. for you and your boy.

Thank you both. Things are still going well and I'm moving home next week!

A quick update. I'm back home with my gorgeous little man and things are going well. Still sober and clean and life is just slowly becoming a bit easier.

He is coming on leaps and bounds and is unquestionly happy with his new normal and our new life. Actually he's really coming out of his shell and acting up more than he ever did before, turning properly cheeky! Our family relationship counseler said it's actually a really good sign (but God it's wearing)
He's talking more and is starting nursery in September.

As for his Dad things aren't so good. Apparently he's really going down and I've had some hassle off his family for 'giving up on him '. More fool me I've still got strong feelings for him but I'm still NC. He hasn't actually seen ds yet because he can't afford to travel up to the contact centre according to his sister but she's lending him the money so hopefully soon.

As for me I'm ok. Some days I feel great and well. Other days (in the night) I feel paralysed with guilt and can't sleep and panicking. I feel guilty about ds and wonder if we've fucked him up and I feel guilty that I've abandoned his Dad and I feel self pity too. My family are really closed about feelings so I can't say this to them but I'm having DAAT still so I offload there. My family think I'm becoming the over therapised (is that a word??) nightmare because I keep questioning stuff about when I was growing up and our family just don't do feelings well.

I know I really pissed people off on here and I'm really sorry. The support has been overwhelming and I've been able to finally be honest about stuff I'd kept hidden for so long.

Thanks again x