Thanks for your support

[YoJesse]

Well done wonkylampshade your campaign worked

I'm sorry I didn't reply to yours and MrsTP s last posts. I just didn't want the thread to keep hanging around. You and so many posters have been amazing and so patient with me and my bullshit.

Not really sure there's anything new to post. Things are rumbling on, no big changes on the outside yet as (and I know I'm trotting out the same old line) things are still better than they used to be. However he is definitely smoking more weed and buy lots more stronger skunk like amnesia. First time I'd ever smoked it and shit it is strong! He's drinking about 1-2 bottles of wine a night which I know sounds like a lot but it doesn't affect him that much. Nothing harder than that though.
I don't know what I want to get from another thread but both times it's definitely started cracking through my wall of crap I've built up. Just for you to share what it was like with your ex is good because, although you sound like a much better and more together person than me I do see so many similarities between our situations.

If anything it's good to use our shiny new talk topic!!!

Oh Jesse I'm so sorry it's all gone so tits up.

Of course it's horrible, one step at a time eh?

I haven't seen your other thread, but hope you're ok Jesse

Seen it now , horrible situation for you and DS to be in. You have to let this be the end. He's dangerous. I hear you saying he would never be violent towards you or DS, but he is being violent. He's putting you both at risk, placing you in aggressive, volatile situations again and again. You're perfectly entitled to say this is not ok - that you can't tolerate living like this any more. Proud of you for walking away from him last night and all I can say is keep on walking.

Jesse http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/740834-I-need-some-constructive-advice-please is one old thread - it's actually awful to read it, I was in such a mess and so tangled up in thinking I couldn't get out for so many reasons. I have to nip out now but back on later and I'll look again for you.

wonkylampshade Sorry things got hectic and I forgot to thank you for posting it. Unfortunately the link doesn't work.

Thanks for everything. Things are changing and it scary and awful but ultimately positive. for you.

Hey Jesse, just wondering how you're doing?

Didn't realise there was a link fail below! Here's another try:

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/740834-I-need-some-constructive-advice-please

Hey, I'm ok thanks and ds is happy. It all still feels so surreal. I have to be honest and say I still haven't told my family but spending all next week at my mum's. I've told a few more friends. A work friend was talking about a pretty severe family problem of her own and we just ended up chatting about these crazy things over our lunch break like it was the most normal thing in the world. I can't have imagined doing that even a week ago.
ss are aware he's gone now and so that's good.

I'm still getting texts and he genuinely is so confused by the situation. Because I've never acted like this he really doesn't see himself as a problem!!!

Thanks for the link. I'll have a read.

I've pm'd you some old emails I wrote when I was lurching from hope to despair and back again...hopefully they're useful but reading over them again really reminds me that it wasn't a linear progression, to get away from him and out of the situation. It's cathartic reading through it but also scary...it was such a fucked up situation and I tried everything I could think of to fix it, to the point where I just lost all hope and it nearly broke me.

I can still remember the physical sense of relief and absolute peace the day I knew there was no going back.

Thanks, that's really kind. I'll have a read tonight when ds is in bed.

I've just been such a twat and got through a four pack of lager very quickly. I'm freaking out about going to my Mum's tomorrow. I'm also looking through our wedding album and listening to 'break up ' songs like a teenage sad case. I was doing so well and then I freaked out about tomorrow. I know my mum's first words will include 'you look tired. skinny, pale' or all three and I m just shit at lying face to face.

I was doing so well....

I can understand you're anxious about seeing your mum, and believe me I know what it's like to tell your family the truth about what's going on, but grit your teeth and do it. They already know things aren't right.

Tomorrow's a new day . Put the cans down and go to bed. You've done so well - just find that inner strength you know is there and stop there.

I'm going to stop there and I know it was a lapse.
I wish I could just face stuff head on. I feel so weak. H is still in contact and it's so confusing. He's so good at breaking things down till they are normal. I've kept regular contact with the two inlaws from the other night. One is adement he'll never see or speak to h again and the other (his actual sister) is supportive but to a point.

After I had a very real conversation with h, at one point he said very seriously 'but what if you're off your face l? Does that mean I should take ds forever too'? That really resonated with me for lots of reasons and in an awful way he had a point. Except whereas I know I've got many problems he really doesn't. I've been so strong till now.

Can you reduce contact with him a bit, while you try and get your strength up? It is confusing, but remember it's in his interest that you're distracted from making this big change in your life.

He doesn't want you to achieve this change and why would he?

You need some space from him because you're vulnerable too. I hope you can find the resolve to tell your mum what's happening. I think saying it out loud makes it harder for you yourself to ignore.

As far as his sister is concerned - it's good you're stilling contact but don't depend on anyone in his family too heavily. My experience was ultimately that blood was thicker than water and when the chips were down I needed my people because his family couldn't support us both.

Exactly. Why would he? We really are his last links to being a real person.

I just feel so incredibly sorry for him. He didn't have the benefit of a stable upbringing.

Sister in law was a friend before me and dh got together. She's a friend and talking to her makes it real. Her dh is totally disgusted and thinks he's abusing me. They are both lovely and have seen h at his worst.

Just checking in to see how things go with your mum...

God! I feel shit and dehydrated. Only had 4 cans but went to bed without water. I bought them on impulse yesterday after not drinking for ages. I had a headache and went to the chemist and ended up passing the usual old shop.
Now face a long train journey with a toddler....

So now I'm definitely going to get the 'you don't look well' talk. Good I guess as it's an opener to a pretty big conversation.
h and sis inlaw are coming over whilst I'm away. I think she'll always support us both.

Good luck speaking to your mum. Let it all out!

Done! Last night we had a very honest chat. She was genuinely shocked (as well as sad, let down, etc). I must have kept things better hidden than I thought. it does feel good to have everything laid bare but it also means no going back on my word which is also good but scary. Really can't believe I've got to this point.

You're making such changes. So it will be scary.

How are you feeling?

Exhausted!! I hoped I'd feel a big sense of relief but I feel nervous as like everyone said, she'll hold me to it now. To everything. Shes really such a loving Mum but we've always kept things light so I'm changing the dynamic there. I feel guilty about putting her through more shit.

I would hope my DD would come to me with this stuff so don't worry about that. Look after yourself. Make a list of all the things you love and like to do (that don't involve substances) and do some of them!

Really funny you said that as last night I was looking round my old room trying to think when I last had a hobby. I used to read so much but barely anything for years (never read any Terry Pratchett ). I can't think of anything, that's really sad isn't it!? I wonder if sleeping counts.

Well it's time to get some new hobbies, then! It can be hard to come up with things that are just for you. May I recommend something passive (colouring), something active (swimming, yoga), something silly (belly dancing), something 'selfish' (spa, eating chocolates while reading a mag!). Try a few and see what takes!

I'd love to take up yoga! I used to be really good at cards (not for cash, just playing) and love theme parks. I bought one of those zen type colouring books ages ago but never got round to doing it in the evening. Tried combining it with ds having 'creative time' and he scribbled all over it!
Being wracking my brains for stuff I like this evening. (I love listening to music too but it always leads to smoking/drinking etc).