Thanks for your support

[YoJesse]

Well done wonkylampshade your campaign worked

I'm sorry I didn't reply to yours and MrsTP s last posts. I just didn't want the thread to keep hanging around. You and so many posters have been amazing and so patient with me and my bullshit.

Not really sure there's anything new to post. Things are rumbling on, no big changes on the outside yet as (and I know I'm trotting out the same old line) things are still better than they used to be. However he is definitely smoking more weed and buy lots more stronger skunk like amnesia. First time I'd ever smoked it and shit it is strong! He's drinking about 1-2 bottles of wine a night which I know sounds like a lot but it doesn't affect him that much. Nothing harder than that though.
I don't know what I want to get from another thread but both times it's definitely started cracking through my wall of crap I've built up. Just for you to share what it was like with your ex is good because, although you sound like a much better and more together person than me I do see so many similarities between our situations.

If anything it's good to use our shiny new talk topic!!!

Thanks wonkylampshade for everything.

I've done nothing, so no thanks required! You keep going though, it'd be great to know you've actually nailed this, for yourself and your son. I have fingers crossed that some one to one will help lots.

When's your appointment Jesse?

3:30. Gulp!!!

Good luck! Hope it goes well.

It went well . Nice counselor who somehow managed to be simultaneously good cop/bad cop. Listened and sympathetic but called me up on it the moment I started to play down anything.

That sounds like a successful first session! Glad it went well for you, I think there's something about talking things over with a real human being. There's no hiding place, and while that's hard on occasion, it's also good for a bit of unhindered realism.

Good for you! When's your next session?

Thanks. A bit stupid but feeling proud of myself . Not for a couple of weeks as one to one but you're encouraged to attend weekly group sessions that are held in the same place.

Sounds great. And you should be proud of yourself.

Yep you should. These are decisive steps you're taking in the right direction

Thanks you two. Dh continues to try and take the shine off my happy mood. Today by refusing to eat the food I brought to the park post work. I went home quickly after work, prepared a tea time picnic and brought it out to the park. He refused to eat anything as it wasn't the right temperature then left us in the playground bit to go off and smoke. Bullshiting twat. It wouldn't be such an issue but he's very skinny and it stupidly makes me feel guilty that I got it wrong. however ds thinks I'm the best cook in the world and loved his outdoors teatime

If someone would make me a picnic I wouldn't care what temperature it was. I'd love a picnic

Ooh my XP used to refuse to eat food I cooked him. There's probably something manipulative in that as I realised in the end that absolutely everything he did was designed to manipulate / shame / cow me into keeping the facade up so he could keep getting wasted and it looked to everyone as though things were fine externally. He'll be trying to elicit sympathy from you too, so you worry and feel you want to look after him. What a knobber, it's transparent.

How are you doing, did you have a good weekend?

I'm sorry you had that too wonkylampshade It's something about failing to nourish someone that feels bad. I know, I know, it's not my responsibility . We had a good weekend but still can't shake the paranoia about him knowing. Hope you had a good one too.

MrsTP cold sausage rolls in a city park on a chilly April day. You didn't miss anything!

It's also to do with the fucked up relationship dynamics of being his carer, and "parenting" him too, I think. I really resented being poked into that particular corner.

Yes to that! I felt so strong at the start of our relationship, laying down the law saying 'i won't be your Mum, don't expect me to do this, that etc'. I really don't get a kick from parenting him which was what I thought people meant by codependence on previous threads. I'm learning....

Hi wonkylampshade if you get the chance and don't mind can you link some of your previous threads about living with and leaving your XP? I re read the one you linked into a previous thread of mine today. It sounds like a completely different person typing. So sad you had to go through that but you sound so strong now. I'm sorry if this has brought up bad memories.

No problem - I'll have a look later today. I actually feel like a different person! My life is calmer - I'm in control of it. I'm not at the mercy of someone who was abusing me...mentally, emotionally, financially. He never actually hit me but physically imposed himself on me a lot, especially when I was going through the realisation that I wanted a life free of his chaos. Blocking doorways, holding me arms to my sides, snarling in my face: that kind of thing.

I think I was exhausted by him. In all honesty I was so desperate when I was writing for advice on here, and didn't have the 'fight' in me yet. I was naive, thinking I could help him. Now I know that's never possible in the ways I was trying. Staying with him, giving him lifts, making sure he was at work on time, cooking for him, scratching around for the mortgage when he cleaned the joint acct out. All I was doing was facilitating for him, or 'enabling' him, as I now know they call it. And I actually ended up loathing him for it. I was living in a world of absolute confusion, and I was so worn down by him I could hardly think straight by the time I finally got out.

Getting away from him was the single most positive thing I ever did for myself and my dd. The luxury of sudden clarity without all his utter chaos was enlightening and empowering. I can spot someone like him from forty paces now!

Thanks, it sounds like you did so well to detangle yourself from all of that. It sounds exhausting. I know what you mean about confusing too. I felt so sad for you at the end of the thread that you'd been tricked. You sounded at your lowest. Dh used to do the low snarling voice and blocking doors as well. Not at all in the last few months which makes me think sometimes that things really have changed. Whether that's true or not I don't know.

I haven't forgotten to look for these threads Jesse - apparently you can't do it from the app! So I need to use a laptop when I have a bit of spare time.

No rush! whenever you get a second.

Hello love, how goes it. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that it's not you on the other thread...

Sorry to disappoint you but yes it's me. Had to name change as it was played out in front of people that could easily read the thread and identify me.Shitty, shitty end to the day. I'm trying to sleep but can't. This could be what I need but right now it's horrible.

It's not disappointing. It's not your job to try to live up to some people on the internet's stuff. Glad to hear that you are seeing this as an end.

Look after yourself.