Thanks for your support

[YoJesse]

Well done wonkylampshade your campaign worked

I'm sorry I didn't reply to yours and MrsTP s last posts. I just didn't want the thread to keep hanging around. You and so many posters have been amazing and so patient with me and my bullshit.

Not really sure there's anything new to post. Things are rumbling on, no big changes on the outside yet as (and I know I'm trotting out the same old line) things are still better than they used to be. However he is definitely smoking more weed and buy lots more stronger skunk like amnesia. First time I'd ever smoked it and shit it is strong! He's drinking about 1-2 bottles of wine a night which I know sounds like a lot but it doesn't affect him that much. Nothing harder than that though.
I don't know what I want to get from another thread but both times it's definitely started cracking through my wall of crap I've built up. Just for you to share what it was like with your ex is good because, although you sound like a much better and more together person than me I do see so many similarities between our situations.

If anything it's good to use our shiny new talk topic!!!

Don't 'poor MrsTP' me Eventually these seeds of doubt will grow and you will get you and DS out. If it takes a couple of years to unpick some of this shit, then that's how long it takes. Just keep moving in the right direction as much as you can.

I will admit that I would be pleased to hear you'd left him and sorted your own use out.

I think one on one support sounds great.

Sorry MrsTP!! I just meant you must feel like you're banging your head against a wall when you give out sound advice to people and then hear a year or two down the line they still haven't done anything about it.

I hope it doesn't take that long again to make a change. Now ds is older it's not going to be as easy to just shield him from the shit that might happen. Big changes on the way.

Sowing seeds... They might take a while to grow but they get there in the end.

What it does show is that people on here won't give up on you. Don't give up on yourself.

Hi YoJesse
When you say some kind of 'big incident' would make it easier to leave, I'm guessing you mean your partner kicking off at a wedding - drama, police, whatever.

But could the 'big incident' that helps you to leave actually be your 3-year-old son needing a psych assessment?

To me that is way more significant than just another bit of shitty behaviour from your partner.

They think at three!!! He might have 'emotional issues ' and want him to have a kind of psych assessment as hearing and ASD have been ruled out. Needless to say I feel guilty as fuck and really tempted to self medicate.

I worked in primaries and a nursery for 8 years and I am struggling to think of a 3-year-old being referred to CAMHS. Nope. And this was in a school with a lot of challenging behaviour. Youngest was five.

The impact on your son is now officially clear. For all you have tried, you have not managed to shield him from your partner's behaviour or the effects of living in an addicted/co-dependent family. Because that is impossible to do.

Your DS can do nothing to get himself away from his home situation. He can only show, as you have described, how wary - probably fucking terrified - he is of your partner and all he has witnessed in his home and between his parents.

I read your other threads and felt worried etc, but this is just so, so sad.

Hi AuntyElle, yes when you put it like that it could be a reason. His behaviour isn't challenging. It's just this not responding to people apart from me. He doesn't act out at all (no biting, hitting etc).

He hasn't witnessed anything awful at home. Absolutely no violence, shouting is very rare. I don't think he's scared of his dad. He just knows that he'll always get his needs, like playing, going out, getting up in the morning met immediately by me. He's got used to me being the default parent.

I'm not minimising the situation and I know so so much is wrong with it.

Things are on the up for me personally and it's so nice to feel well. Appointment on Wednesday so heading in the right direction.

I see. Actually that unresponsive behaviour would worry me more than hitting/biting (a bit of which can be normal at that age anyway).
(Just to be clear I'm a teaching assistant - no psych qualifications at all - just going on experience.)
I'm so glad you are getting help yourself.

I know you are trying not to minimise and you are clearly minimising a lot less than before, Jesse, but you are still minimising. You have described things your son has witnessed on other threads which honestly are 'awful'. Simply living in an addicted/co-dependent home is truly awful for a child.

I can't imagine how simply having one parent do most or all of the hands-on parenting would result in behaviour so obvious that school would ask for a CAMHS referral at just 3. All sorts of behaviours are accepted without triggering this level of concern at age three as they are still so little.

I'm sorry, I don't want to go on at you. And you've had loads of good advice I know.

Now that you are making progress I just really hope you can put your son right at the centre of all of your decision making. And I honestly think that will make the upcoming decisions easier for you.

When you're in the thick of it it's hard to see some of the everyday stuff as awful. That's why I'm finding this support so helpful. Stuff like on that first horrible thread, ds sometimes picking up a grinder just didn't seem like an issue. I know I sound like an idiot but I honestly needed a bunch of strangers on the Internet to tell that's not normal family life.

I recently (very gently) told Dh that I felt uncomfortable walking past his weed dealer because he talks to ds and he said 'thats good, it makes it all normal'! The direct opposite to what people hear are saying. It's like trying to change your mindset.

I know what you mean. she must have seen something more in his behaviour or maybe I was opening up to much to her about family life. I don't know. He's generally such a bubbly, happy boy who loves playgroup and people but just doesn't respond to them and hates me going to work. I do more stuff with him in the day whereas dh tends to just let him get on and play.

Can it really be OK to leave this little boy in your partner's sole care?

He's not drinking or smoking weed in the day. He's a bit slow to get started in the morning but I make sure everything is set up before I leave and I aways wake him up properly.

One of the reasons I walked away from a similar situation is because I got to the point where I knew I couldn't trust my XP to look after our child. Never mind him being sober-ish during the day - he doesn't have it in him to put his own child first.

Your little boy is nervous around his dad Jesse, that'd be enough for me to know it was indefensible to stay.

I'm no expert on child psychology but it almost sounds like he's experiencing some sort of emotional shutdown because of the way he's living.

I'm no expert on child psychology but it almost sounds like he's experiencing some sort of emotional shutdown because of the way he's living.

Oops, don't know what happened there!

I'm so glad you're going to access some one to one counselling, I think it'll really help you get things into perspective and give you confidence and courage to tackle this. It's one thing chatting online, but quite another to start saying things out loud and you'll find it challenges you to do so, particularly in terms of some of what you're saying about your situation being normalised over a period of time.

What your DH said about it being good that your son sees chatting to his dealer as normal is honestly sick, actually.

A daytime sober but active addict is not a safe person to leave a small child alone with. From what you've said, I'd guess total emotional neglect at a bare minimum. That will be contributing to your son's concerning behaviour.

You are only recently starting to come out of total denial, so you are really not able to accurately judge your partner's ability to care for and not further damage your son.

I wish I had faith in SS to intervene and help you. But I've seen neglect and emotional abuse minimised and ignored by SS.

It might just be or partly be because he is very Mummyish. I'm in no doubt that's because Dh was 'there but not there' in the early days. I don't think he's scared of him. Just doesn't seem to like him that much . Dh says ds is happy once I've gone it's not like he's sad till I come home. I know it's normal for toddlers to act up like this to the favourite parent.

I'm so nervous about the appointment. Really, Really scared.

I'm still feeling really uneasy like dh knows I'm posting this stuff. Last night he saw me writing on my phone and demanded to see what it was. I made up something about Facebook but it was uncomfortable. He said I shouldn't ever try to lie to him or hide things from him. He's never acted like this. He knows somethings going on.

'SS are involved. We have support meetings at the health centre with key workers to make sure needs are being met.
Ds isn't neglected at all. I know you mean emotionally but even his emotional needs are met.

Jesse, you have come so far in a short time. Do go to your appointment. Just sit there if you feel a bit overwhelmed. They can ask the questions.
Can you ring Women's Aid (on way home from work?) to get advice about keeping yourself safe if his behaviour escalates as he realises you are waking up to the reality of your situation?

Jesse, no way are your son's emotional needs being met in the set up you have described over various threads. No way.

Was that a word of warning from your DH do you think?

Sounds as though he can sense you're waking up.

I don't know, maybe. It was just really uncomfortable. He's never cared about what I do on my phone before. Totally the opposite, like he wouldn't even notice.

That's very worrying. Make sure you're passwords are up to date and changed, your stuff isn't linked to his and you are careful to make sure you are safe.

Does he know you went to the AlAnon meetings and about your counselling coming up? Hopefully he's just feeling threatened by the alternative, positive influences for change that are coming into your life rather than spying on you or anything, but very sensible advice to make sure you are able to post in privacy nonetheless.

Yup, taking all those precautions.
He doesn't know about any meetings. I have mentioned things like I'm worried I'm drinking /smoking too much ' and he doesn't say anything. Awkward and uncomfortable to raise his own issues when in his mind he's doing really well.

His motivation isn't the same as yours- he's still focused on NOT giving up, so it could be that he senses you're going through a process of change. You're doing well Jesse