Nursery Fees Ate My Botox Budget!!

[Kerrik]

Excuse the sensational title! And please don’t come at me because I already know how First World Problems this sounds, but honestly… what am I missing here?

Early 40s. One toddler. London. Two-bed flat. Nursery fees that currently resemble a second mortgage (£1,000 a month). Actual mortgage now £2,500 a month because apparently interest rates hikes decided we’d all had enough joy in life.

I earn £75k a year working for a giant billion dollar tech company, husband earns slightly more, and yet by the end of the month we both seem to just sit there and stare at each other thinking “where did it all go??!!”

We haven’t had a holiday in two years. Saving? Hilarious. Moving to somewhere bigger? Only if we win the Euromillions or discover a wealthy elderly relative we didn’t know about.

But the thing that’s genuinely getting me down is this: I feel like I can no longer afford to maintain myself as a middle-aged woman. Not in a glamorous Real Housewives way… just basic “try not to look like a sack of old s**t” way.

Hair = £200. Botox = apparently now the GDP of a small nation. Nails, beauty treatments, supplements, veneers, replacing make-up / skincare products… all somehow seem impossible now.

Before child + mortgage apocalypse + cost of living crisis, these things were manageable. Now every salon appointment feels like I’m applying for a bank loan.

And yes, I know Botox and balayage are luxuries before anyone tells me people are living off beans. I do know that. But I also work really hard, climbed the career ladder, got the degree, did all the supposedly sensible life things, and I honestly thought by your 40s you’d reached the stage of life where you casually booked a haircut without first checking three banking apps and briefly considering selling your kidney on the black market.

Meanwhile everyone else online appears to have:

• immaculate hair
• matching gym sets
• glowing skin
• extensions
• bi-monthly spa days
• houses with utility rooms
• holidays in Tuscany
• children called Rafferty doing forest school in cashmere

HOW?

Are people secretly in massive debt? Is everyone getting parental help? Are there just far more seriously wealthy people around than I realised? Or am I catastrophically bad with money?

Because right now I genuinely feel like I’ve worked all this time just to become a permanently tired woman in a tiny London flat Googling “how long can Botox realistically last” to ensure I get my moneys worth!

I’m glad a house with a utility room made the list - I have something someone wants 😂 although my house is probably worth a quarter of yours in London.

I think your first mistake is thinking online is real life.

At least nursery is just a few years. You’ll hopefully notice the difference when they’re at school.

If you both earn under £100k per year each, then you are eligible for the working parent childcare funding and the tax free childcare account. This means you get 22.5 hours of government funded childcare per week when spread across 52 weeks per year, and you get a 25% contribution towards the remaining bill. This means for 3 days per week for 51 weeks a year we are paying no more than £400 a month, and that’s including additional costs for activities and meals.

Unless you’re paying for 5 days a week and it’s a pricey childcare setting I’m wondering if you’re making use of this?

If she is quoting her gross salary, like most people do, then she will taking home just over £50k. There would be no “spare” £100k

A lady I work with also gets botox (I assume from her appearance). She looks so odd that I have to force myself not to stare at her thinking 'WTF has she done to her face'.

As far as I know, no-one else I see regularly does. No-one looks frozen faced or disproportionately young for their age. Just 'normal', which botox isn't.

So many fake posts on MN at the moment. Either that or yes, you are being vvvvvvvvvvvv unreasonable. Hope that helps.

Just to note - Botox only freezes your muscle, you are doing nothing to your skin to make it look better or repair it, this is where your skincare comes into play, serums, eye crema night cream, SPF diet etc. If you cant afford Botox focus on this, you can get very good skin care reasonably priced these days,

But it still means they have around £8k a month coming in and around £4.5k pm after mortgage and nursery fees, so enough for a 'lifestyle' on top of food, bills etc.

If you genuinely dont know where all your money is going then you both need to keep a full record for a couple of months. Track every penny. Then look at it together.

Wow you had children late

So, you call my opinion stupid because it doesn’t align with yours? Why reach for insults?

And you think people in their 50s with post-grad qualifications who’ve been in paid work since teenage years haven’t also worked hard? There are thousands of people in London like this. Not all careers end up on £75k. That’s impossible. You think public sector workers don’t work hard?

OP can clearly afford well above the minimum and has provided examples of this, e.g. £200 haircut (4 x more than a decent haircut in London).

It’s not uncommon nowadays to have a child at forty.

Not the same (and similarly slightly tongue in cheek) but my treat is (was) going out to eat once every couple of weeks. Maybe a nicer more expensive meal once every couple of months and a standard pub meal in between. It's had to stop as we can't get a meal out for less than £80 now! Ridiculous! Yes first wold problems but similarly I thought that my the time I was in my mid to late 40s and at the top of my career ladder, I wouldn't have to think twice about getting my dinner out every now and then!

I'm late 30s and take some pride in my appearance, I also spend a lot of money on hair. But you really need to be a bit more discerning with what you need.

The nursery years are expensive, yes.

But not everything on your list is essential. Veneers? Lol, maybe when you're 60? Nails? Just keep them very trim.

Tbh, as a full time working mum I don't even know where you could be finding the time for all that nonsense.

While I think she’s being massively unreasonable, there are plenty of posts on here that are vastly overestimated how much she’ll be taking home.

75k with assume a 10% pension would be £4129 net.I’m assuming no student loan left because of her age and earnings but if there is a loan outstanding she’d be down to £3769.

It’s still significant if her husband is bringing home similar but not the £10-13k a month I’ve seen some people state.

Just as well OP put this on S&B she'd be shredded on aibu, probably why she did it.

I think its sad women are conditioned to think all this beauty care is needed.

Also, stop looking for comparisons on the internet.

London.

There’s your answer. My DP and I are also in our 40s and live in a two-bedroom house far from London. Our combined income is less than yours, yet life is OK, as our mortgage is less than £400 per month and our local women’s hairdresser charges £25 for a cut (I’ve never had my hair professionally-coloured). But, I’ve never had my nails done or had Botox - personally, I’d rather spend my money on nice food and days out.

i think some people are actually forgetting tax. Your income, especially for London, is not super high.
YANBU OP but honestly it is what it is. I’ve not had my hair done for over a year now and I our income is close on half a mill. You have to choose where you spend and I’d rather save than get Botox. That said I did get an airwrap (that I’ve still not used!

Travel out of London for the day once every couple of months to get hair, nails, botox etc done? I live 90 mins away from London by train and pay £100 every 8 weeks to get a full head of foils, cut and blow dry. My BIAB nails are only £30 and I pay £180 for botox for three areas.

Also look to start a cash only side hustle maybe?

😬….I can’t even afford tooth paste some months and your worried about paying for Botox.

I completely agree with you - the London cost of living is insane and the cost of nursery is crippling. We earn more than you but we have a ginormous mortgage, 3 kids including 1 in nursery and lots of after school clubs, activities and additional childcare …. all the money goes.

You are bringing home £4500/pcm and using that to pay for nursery and mortgage and food probably leaves about £500. Then your husband earns about the same but a bit more so say that salary covers all the bills, cost of commuting, clothing for three people… there should be some excess cash but if you have a few meals out, takeaways, alcohol, gym, a weekly cleaner, a trip to the hair salon, car finance… then I can imagine there isn’t much left to play with for treats.

one problem I think is with two parents working demanding jobs with long commutes from the outskirts of London, things that are luxuries like a cleaner and convenient foods become necessities because you are both so thinly stretched and time poor.

Ah OP, I completely empathise and sympathise. I am in the same boat (though we are slightly outside of London and I earn about half of what you do, but we still try to live within our means etc). I have got some botox booked for next month, but that is literally because I saved some money over the last few months and then got some birthday money to top it off 😆 but it will be my first lot in 2 years!

I hope this isn't a stupid question, but are you entitled to any nursery funded hours? This is the only way we are able to afford to survive at the minute. It completely sucks though. I hope you can figure something out. Life is hard enough with feeling rubbish about yourself too😭

Go through your online banking. Write down what comes in, what goes out & where it all goes. "Bills / groceries/ other" and see where you can cut corners if need be.
My friend spent over £1k alone on coffees, uber eats, mcdonalds ect in a month. She had no idea she was wasting so much money.

I love your writing style OP!

I understand where you’re coming from. My husband and I earn a combined £150k before tax, pension etc. We are both 35, baby on the way and live in a commuter town to London. I really thought at this point with my salary that I would have more disposable income but any pay rise is eaten up by increases elsewhere. We shop around for deals, stick to a budget and have around £750 on a credit card. We’re not living the high life but each month we need to budget.

Similar to other replies from people who live and work in London, I think it’s childcare that’s screwing you.

I think it’s also worth thinking about what choices you can make to save £30/40 here and there. For examples I don’t get gels done anymore. Instead, I use the Essie shellac polish and it lasts for about a week with no chips. I tint and wax my own brows. We bring a home made picnic on walks. My friends recently paid £25 for 2 cheese toasties when they were out for a walk which we were all horrified at! Making these compromises each month means I can pay £110 every 3 months for a hair cut at my lovely salon.

I do feel you though. Any of the “nice” things we have tend to be gifts from my husbands wealthy in laws eg new tech, garden bits. We’re very lucky they spoil us but don’t think we can afford that stuff on our salaries!

Im not sure this is even real, but without knowing what expenses the other approx 4.5k-5k monthly income covers, its impossible to know if its a solvable issue.
Ive always been low maintenance and get my hair cut twice a year (im amazed anyone found a haircut in London for £50 though, I expect to pay 70-80 in a commuter town) not had highlights since ive had kids - now teens - barely remember to moisturiser, let alone make up fillers or botox. I do have a utility room though! 😉

I dont think its unreasonable, or unusual to want to have treatments or tweakments but im a bit surprised theres nothing left in your budget for them, or holidays when it seems a fairly healthy income even after nursery and mortgage