Nursery Fees Ate My Botox Budget!!

[Kerrik]

Excuse the sensational title! And please don’t come at me because I already know how First World Problems this sounds, but honestly… what am I missing here?

Early 40s. One toddler. London. Two-bed flat. Nursery fees that currently resemble a second mortgage (£1,000 a month). Actual mortgage now £2,500 a month because apparently interest rates hikes decided we’d all had enough joy in life.

I earn £75k a year working for a giant billion dollar tech company, husband earns slightly more, and yet by the end of the month we both seem to just sit there and stare at each other thinking “where did it all go??!!”

We haven’t had a holiday in two years. Saving? Hilarious. Moving to somewhere bigger? Only if we win the Euromillions or discover a wealthy elderly relative we didn’t know about.

But the thing that’s genuinely getting me down is this: I feel like I can no longer afford to maintain myself as a middle-aged woman. Not in a glamorous Real Housewives way… just basic “try not to look like a sack of old s**t” way.

Hair = £200. Botox = apparently now the GDP of a small nation. Nails, beauty treatments, supplements, veneers, replacing make-up / skincare products… all somehow seem impossible now.

Before child + mortgage apocalypse + cost of living crisis, these things were manageable. Now every salon appointment feels like I’m applying for a bank loan.

And yes, I know Botox and balayage are luxuries before anyone tells me people are living off beans. I do know that. But I also work really hard, climbed the career ladder, got the degree, did all the supposedly sensible life things, and I honestly thought by your 40s you’d reached the stage of life where you casually booked a haircut without first checking three banking apps and briefly considering selling your kidney on the black market.

Meanwhile everyone else online appears to have:

• immaculate hair
• matching gym sets
• glowing skin
• extensions
• bi-monthly spa days
• houses with utility rooms
• holidays in Tuscany
• children called Rafferty doing forest school in cashmere

HOW?

Are people secretly in massive debt? Is everyone getting parental help? Are there just far more seriously wealthy people around than I realised? Or am I catastrophically bad with money?

Because right now I genuinely feel like I’ve worked all this time just to become a permanently tired woman in a tiny London flat Googling “how long can Botox realistically last” to ensure I get my moneys worth!

Oh, I get you.

i recently got divorced (which is fabulous 😊) but money for getting my hair done and for Botox is pretty out of reach and im gutted. Those were the only two things i ever spent money on just for me. It feels so hard to devote any money to yourself when every month is down to the last pound.

Stop looking at people online and look at the real people immediately around you.

Your description of the 40 something old women with nursery/primary school age children isn't one I recognise in me or the normal mums around me.

You are trying to keep up with the Instamums who's job it is to sell this lifestyle shit. When you come back to real life instead of 'every one else online' you will see that.

I think I look pretty decent for my age and I just get a good cut and colour every 6 weeks, the odd facial as a treat, gentle toning exercise several times a week (yoga/swimming) and drink tons of water. Nails are natural, brows are kept neat and tidy by me. I spend on decent skin care and make up and classic good quality clothes and shoes. Like most of the other mums my age I see in the playground who look wellgroomed and healthy.

I agree and I have no husband so even more need to look nice if I ever want one!
I think if you can you should both compress your hours to 4 day weeks or 9 day fortnights so your child can have a day or two off nursery. I work 3.5 days and there’s no point in me working more as that’s when my salary becomes very taxed and the fees for that day aren’t subsidized so I’d rather be with my child for the same income.

‘Just’ get a good cut and colour? This is £250 at least in London

I’m sorry to say OP, but I think you may be bad with money or your outgoings are huge! If your household income is close to or over £150,000 a year? Is the 75k before or after tax? No judgement, but my household income is significantly lower and I although luxuries are tight, they are still doable. That’s also with savings for my kids, myself and pension contributions. The cost of living is ridiculous through!

They're selling an image. People that they want to follow them (and more importantly, click through for the affiliate links) are following them because they look perfect and appear to have perfect lives. The reality is that it is their job to pretend everything is perfect, whether it is or not.

Comparing yourself to their product (the perfect woman with the perfect life, figure, house, child and activities) is as realistic as thinking you should be rollerskating wearing little white shorts on day one of your period or chatting amongst your colleagues about tampons and stress incontinence.

I pay £50 to get my hair cut in London.
Admittedly I don't bother with Botox or nails or extensions.

There’s a lot to be said for having DC young and just making it work.

A lot to be said for getting off Insta too.

The nursery years are tough. But I think you’ve got a good deal finding one in London for only £1k per month.

16 years ago when I visited local nurseries I was quoted £90 per day. I decided it wasn’t worth it and hired a nanny instead.

But it’s really hard to scratch out a nice comfortable life in London. Once nursery is over you need to either pay a fortune for a flat or house in catchment of a good school or pay for private education.

Fortunately for us our careers took off when our eldest was around 3 which made everything much more affordable.

If your careers are not going to pay you much more in the future then I would honestly look at moving out. You could have a much better quality of life outside London.

Is this a reverse? Rent plus nursery is £3,500/m, £42k a year. You earn £75k and you husband earns more. What the hell are you doing with the spare £100k?

I imagine tax takes a lot of it!

Well yes but it's still a household income of around £8k a month, so another 4.5k a month after mortgage and nursery.

150k and you’re skint?

Unless you share your spreadsheet , we can’t tell you where the money is going.

I feel like I can no longer afford to maintain myself as a middle-aged woman. Not in a glamorous Real Housewives way… just basic “try not to look like a sack of old st” way.

I'm older than you but at your age probably earned the same allowing for inflation. Other than getting my hair cut once every 6 weeks (can't remember when I first needed to colour it) and basic foundation and mascara I didn't spend anything else to "maintain myself"

I'm fairly certain I didn't look like "a sack of old shit" then or now despite not having Botox, nails, beauty treatments, supplements and veneers.

Have you heard of something called tax?

I know i'm stating the obvious and trust me, I feel this way most days but try to not compare to people online. You don't see the bad stuff there. I look good maybe 1 day a month and thats the day I will post a selfie. The internet doesn't see the rest of the month where I look like a bin bag full of yogurt. It's the same for most* people. We are all trying to get by and you're not alone in how you feel.

*exclufing celebs and influencers probably but unless you are a celeb or influencer there's no need to compare yourself

I agree you won’t be living in luxury but where does the other 4.5k go?

But as someone in their 40s who also thought I would have more disposable income now I don’t really have time or the money for beauty treatments. I have never had botox but loved facials, not against trying it though. I changed hairdresser so now pay £150 and really stretch out the appointments! No nails but have never done them. Eyebrows are cheap. Pedicures only during summer.

Depending on where you live there will be lots of people on very high salaries, family money or both which skews your perception somewhat. I lived in one part of London that has really gentrified, it was normal for school mum friends, neighbours to have serous family help. I moved for a house to a cheaper part and it’s less of a bubble!

I feel you. Our incomes and out going’s are lower than your but likely proportional (not in London) and although I’m not in any debt - hallelujah - I feel like I can’t afford to do anything and it actually makes me feel embarrassed and a bit of a failure. I don’t want to invite people over because the house needs work and we’ve got a load of ancient furniture that I’d love to replace. Which is all “fine”, but obviously stuff we’ve had for years and years, and in many cases we’re second hand when I bought them.
I’d love to get my eyebrows sorted and a little bit of filler for the lines under my eyes but it’s just out of the question. That’s hundreds of pounds, which if I had spare I’d be buying a new dining table/bed/sofa/carpet/so on and so on.
I have to consider every single little purchase and it gets embarrassing, partly because I’m surrounded by people who don’t have to do that.

On the face of it people would think we’re well off because we have a decent sized house (which we bought well but needs a lot of work we can’t afford to do) so they most wonder why we don’t have nice stuff or why I’m “tight”. We’re fortunate that we have enough to pay all our bills and we do put money aside a bit, but there is just nothing left over for the non essentials and it does make me wonder what is the bloody point.

Go outside and touch grass for goodness sake.

you are earning 150k+, sounds like you need to reevaluate your budget. Buy some decent nail polish and do your nails at home, learn how to move your extensions up yourself or just don’t have them. You need to look at what is a MUST have and what is a I would like and prioritise. Honestly a good hair cut I understand but colour wise you could learn to live without. All the beauty treatments you are seeing online are gifted or paid for by the clicks of people like you watching the content. Getting off instagram/tiktok will help you. Comparison is the thief of joy and it sounds like it has you in a chokehold.

I really hope you can reevaluate your life and see how fortunate you actually are, even without you Botox.

Just to add, I’m not comparing to “insta mums”. So many friends and other people I know are paying out regularly for basic treatments like hair, nails, fillers, supplements out of their ears. They aren’t walking around like Kim K, so it’s actually worse because it’s just regular people looking normal and doing normal things.

Im glad it’s not like that where I live!
There is maybe 1 or 2 mums that sound like you in the playground, but the majority definitely not!
of course we have our hair cut, coloured or whatever. But a a lot of people just colour it themselves. Fitness is important and you haven’t even mentioned that?

Don’t live beyond your means for the sake of looks. I think it would be more important to save £200 than spend it on hair if you haven’t managed to save anything…

Loads of people I know have Botox and fillers. I see it as something like red lipstick; it's great if you like that look, but totally missable if you don't.

You aren’t budgeting very well. Even after nursery, mortgage, tax and pension contributions you must have around 4.5k monthly?

You can chose to do a lot with that or can fritter it away. Get a grip and spend on the things most important to you.

What is your income vs all outgoings?
we earn just under 7.5k and our mortgage and insurances are 2k. We save 2.5k per month and still live a great lifestyle. Admittedly,I do not get Botox or any other treatments other than a haircut but surely one of those is doable!! We have two dc and no childcare right now but even if we did that’s 1k less savings. That’s still 3k left for other bills and food etc.