What has happened to me??!!

[InsolentAnnie]

Almost my whole life I’ve been slim (size 10 pre-kids, 12 after the first one); hair not great (very thin and fine) but passable and can look decent; always looked a bit younger than I am; skin prone to a few spots and blotchiness, never clear and lovely but pretty average and okay. Used to wearing what suits me and avoiding what doesn’t. So all in all, I was never going to be a model but I could dress up and feel lovely, felt okay when not dressed up, and generally reasonably confident.

I’ve hit 40 and now have two kids. Nothing fits me the way it used to and I no longer have any idea of what suits me (except batwing tops seem okay). Skinny jeans that I lived in now make my hips look huge. I’ve gone up two dress sizes. My skin has rosacea on my cheeks, I have permanent dark shadows, I ache all over and often have a bad back / hips. I feel AWFUL about myself. DH is lovely and genuinely wouldn’t care if I wore a bin bag, but is bewildered because I keep crying about how I look and feel. I just don’t feel like me any more, and I don’t know what to do about it. I’ve bought some things from Vinted but whether I shop there or on the high street it’s always hit and miss as to whether I find something that suits me. I need a REALLY good pair of jeans but can’t find one (have to be high waisted and not stretchy because my tummy needs holding in). I feel permanently frumpy, my makeup always looks uneven even if I spend ages on it. And generally what used to work, now doesn’t at all.

Help!! How do I get out of this rut?! I have literally no time to go to the gym (I have three jobs and work lots of evenings), try to eat healthily, use a salicylic acid cleanser every day, drink water…. I just don’t know what to do. I need an overhaul and I don’t know how to go about it!

It's called ageing I'm afraid. I'm 39 and seeing similar

Having three jobs would wreck anyone, OP.

I would first work on that between you as a family. Even doing just the one job I had to get the right one which was not as stressful before I could truly begin to look after myself and my health properly rather than just getting more stressed and ill, and finally moved into a job which was a much better balance for me at 42 which I still do at 50, and hope to do until I retire.

Other than that, I would say something like one restorative yoga class a week with the right teacher could be beneficial in all areas of your life. Prioritise sleep, eating vegetables, not too much alcohol or caffeine, plenty of water, eat everything but in small amounts, and going for a walk every day.

Could you go to a make up counter and have a bit of a make over? My sister is 42 and felt the same so we went to the dior counter in boots and she felt better with them colour matching her properly.

also book to see a dermatologist who can sort out your skin x

It’s so awful not feeling like yourself. I was always 8/10 with tiny boobs. Used to dress with things to accentuate my waist. Not comfortable doing that now as my weight fluctuates so much. I have just turned 50 but it crept up from 44. M&S have some fab jeans which have been a game changer. The only thing that helps me stay in my jeans now is hardly any bread and complex carbs only plus fasting. I don’t stick to that though. Currently on hols and about to go out for a few drinks!

Enjoy your 40s. My 40th feels like last week and suddenly ten years have gone. My face dropped overnight- the corners of my mouth. I wasn’t expecting that!! 😳

Also what really helped me a few years ago was Headspace. You can do a free trial. I was just sitting for ten minutes on my own in a car in the car park with my eyes shut listening to a meditation and it made me feel so much better.

https://help.headspace.com/hc/en-us/articles/115008192928-What-s-included-for-free

A lot of people might come along and say this is a cop out….this is exactly what im
experiencing and would put 80% of this down to peri-menopause. I’m 43 now but have had these symptoms for 3ish years

Sounds like you might need HRT.

The good news is skinny jeans don’t look good on anyone. M&S have a fantastic variety. I’ve finally bought their barrel legs and I really love them and I’ve had a few compliments wearing them.

I’d also recommend committing to a monthly facial. I have a 90 minute one every 4 weeks and it makes all the difference.

In my mid 30s to early 40s my weight crept up to 14 and a half stone and I was a size 18. Mostly I was 13 and a half stone. Now it's 11 stone, BMI 24/25 and I'm a size ten at 50, ageing is not necessarily an inexorable path to weight gain.

Does your husband pull his weight in terms of housework, childcare, ‘mental load’. If not, this would be a good starting point.

Instead of working three part time jobs, could you do one full time job?

Dr Michael Moseley’s The Fast 800 is great for losing weight.

You don’t need to go to the gym but you do need to exercise. If you don’t you WILL regret it. Get a pair of 3 kg dumbbell and work out at home. Lots of trainers on YouTube but the following are particularly good:

• Lucy Wyndham Read for beginners
• Growingannanas for HIIT based all-round training, with and without dumbbells
• Heather Robertson- an excellent trainer, perhaps a bit more intense
• Caroline Girvan for challenging weight based training

Start slow and work your way up, both in terms of weights and intensity of exercise.

40 is hard. You are no longer a thirty something. Let alone anywhere near twenty. And you realise you are middle aged. That can be hard to accept in itself.
When you are younger part of that is we shop for clothes in store far more often.
And maybe get out of the habit of trying on, and shopping. Some clothes stores seem to stock less and less which doesn’t help.
The changes you notice facially can be a shock. No denying it.
Accepting your body and face ( and hair) will all change as you age will help. And that what went before in terms of clothes or make up might need to change. From shampoo to mascara to skin care.

Some people will use HRT, some have treatments. Up to you. But don’t lose sight of the feminine you. Aging can make you feel less feminine and confident. But only if you let it.

I don’t think this is just aging and not helpful to frame it as that because there’s probably a lot you can do. You need to optimise hydration, diet and exercise including weights , the best sunblock you can get your hands on. Possibly HRT for thjning hair. it sounds like your lifestyle is depleting you, that’s the hardest thing probably .
I’m a decade older and over a year into chemotherapy and I think I look a lot more rested/better than I did at 40, and the dark circles have gone as I sleep more because I’m taking better care of myself. Don’t just give up and think it’s because you’re getting older, you can get control over your health in many ways which might make you feel a huge amount better.

And this!

A couple of practical thoughts first:
I also have rosacea and a salicylic cleanser could be too harsh for your skin. Generally the advice is to use a bland cream cleanser without water, something like Cerave, and if you want to try to treat it, many people have success with azelaic acid.
i also really feel for you working 3 jobs, and struggling to find time for yourself, but I agree with others that a little exercise is important (not so much from the perspective of weight/ aesthetics but because you say you have hip/ back pain). At-home work-outs can be brilliant in this situation. You can find 10 minute videos for your level specifically.
Sounds obvious but I love Joe Wicks for an accessible, un-intimidating, effective at-home work-out.

Other than this, try not to be too critical of yourself.
You have 2 kids and work 3 jobs; you are amazing.
and maybe treat yourself to some nice jeans or makeup (erborean redness correct is fantastic for rosacea and really easy to apply).

Same happened to me as soon as I hit 40. I put on so much weight. I was always the "skinny" one, and always the one people would gasp at when they heard my age, thinking I was 10 years younger.

Turning 40 changed ALL that. I finally looked my age, and went from a size 10 to a small 16. I did x4 spin classes a week and took up running. Diet the same as ever, which was good. Nothing worked. There is definitely something which changes drastically at that age - yes, maybe peri m, as some have said. I still have periods at almost 50 and they're completely out of control.

Looking back at photos from that year, I look horrible. I'm not putting myself down, I really do look bloated.

I took Orlistat for a while and lost almost 3 stone, but I know it's not for everyone and it does make you look a little tired.

Other than that, I cut out all cheese and chocolate which made a HUGE difference, and did different spinning workouts rather than just the "fast, racing" ones. I use heavy resistance and that's doing me a lot of good.

Good luck, I totally and utterly empathise and understand.

Before I read your post and saw your age, I was going to say peri. It happens over quite a few years. It can be quite unsettling - but you can get back to feeling more like you. I feel better now than I did a few years ago.

I have HRT, yes, but I’ve also changed my skincare and make up regime. I’ve found you have to buy higher quality products as the old things don’t work as well anymore. You might also develop new skin problems which you never had before. Take your time. Sort things slowly and systematically. Don’t go to the extremes of using harsh products in an attempt to speed things up because they won’t, they’ll just aggravate your skin.

Look at your diet. I found I could no longer tolerate some foods and I need to change my regular meals and eat more protein. I had to take more care over my choices.

Clothing-wise, I never thought I’d be saying this but good quality jeggings are not only comfortable but look good. I found jeans made me feel all lumpy and bulgy round the waist and hips as my waist seemed to have merged into my hips despite me being the same weight. Spend money on good accessories. Get your hair cut regularly and looked after (I found I had to change my hair routine and products too).

Finally, get some general blood tests to check you’re not anaemic, or have a Vitamin D deficiency, thyroid problems, etc etc, and make a point of taking some time for yourself each day.

Three jobs, two children and a bewildered husband is a lot for any 24 hours, @InsolentAnnie.

And crying all the time (if you’re not actually depressed) sounds like exhaustion + hormones. So I would look firstly at how you can alter your routines to give yourself more rest. Perhaps other members of your household could take on more responsibilities? Secondly see your GP for blood tests and general health checks. Low levels of just one vitamin could be dragging you down.

Are you really eating properly? Over the past couple of weeks my veg box delivery has included a box of a dozen avocados - and I honestly cannot believe the difference such wholesale consumption has made to my skin, so immediately.

Put your skin issues to ChatGPT - with a recent photo. It really earns its keep with this sort of thing.

You need a holiday. Couple of nights in a Premier Inn by yourself - by the coast if possible. This is something your DH really needs to facilitate - regularly.

Blood tests. Thyroid, iron, B vits and vit D. Then supplements if indicated.

You might also have PCOS - I fit your description and have it. If you think you might then try to eat low carb as much as you can, it will help with energy levels and skin as much as with weight.

Try Paula’s Choice BHA and azaleic acid for skincare, as well as Cerave cleanser.

39 was a bad year for ageing for me. I’ve had to work harder to look decent since then.

@InsolentAnnie Try Primark for jeans, they have an amazing choice of so many styles - go with an honest friend, and leave the kids behind!!
Primark has a great choice of alll sorts of tops too. Good luck!

Increase protein in every meal - egg whites, chicken and Greek yoghurt are excellent sources. You need to eat more protein than you think when you hit 40s and do weight training and walk more. Also weigh out your carb and ensure it’s not too many calories. I find that with the increased protein I don’t mind have much smaller carb portions.

On the skincare I am not sure I can help but they always say what you put into your body impacts your skin a lot so ensuring healthy diet of fruit veg and vitamins, increasing your protein and decreasing carb whilst drinking lots of water might have a good impact on skin too.

Dark shadows can mean too much sugar in your overall diet. Could you try a detox diet to clear some toxins? X

Mid 40s and it doesn’t have to be like this. Make changes and you can feel fabulous. My 40s have been my best decade

I know it’s a lot to carry. Try simplifying first. For skin use a gentle cleanser, basic moisturizer and daily sunscreen. Once your skin settles makeup usually sits better again. For clothes, high-waisted is good, and softer structure or slightly relaxed rather than non-stretch styles. Most importantly you don’t need a full overhaul all at once. Start with one thing that makes you feel slightly more like yourself again.

I was fine at 40, but by 42 I felt like a wreck. All the things you describe, and more. It’s not an inevitable decline, but feeling and looking really good takes much more effort after 40.

At 48, while I don’t look 40, I look and feel so much better than before. I look like a really healthy fortysomething, I think. I had to really overhaul stuff. I now eat a really healthy diet (limit UPF, loads of fruit and veg, healthy protein, fibre, fermented foods, oily fish nuts had seeds), lots of sleep, plenty of exercise (at least 12000 steps a day, plus Pilates, cardio and tennis), and trying as much as possible to minimise stress. Also, getting HRT just right.

Good luck, getting a healthy balance right is not just about looking good but also staying healthy for longer.

What @Tuhafeni said.

At 72 - which I realise may seem unimaginable if you’re in your early forties… - I can confirm that focusing on eating healthily and exercising is totally worth it. The foundations you lay now will shore you up in the decades to come.

The one thing I would add is the importance of joy and fun in your life. Stuff that satisfies , inspires, sustains, challenges. Be it art, friendships, sports, hobbies - anything that gives life meaning.

By all means continue to look after your skin, experiment with makeup and have fun with fashion, but be aware that at some point in your life other stuff will become more important than how you look.

Why are you working three jobs?!

No wonder you're looking and feeling a bit weary! 😬

How many hours a week is each one?

Seriously, you should not be feeling this bad/this rough at just 40! I still felt fabulous at that age, and had lots of energy, and did lots of activities, both with friends, and the kids, and DH. I looked like I was about 32/33 too. A number of people told me they were shocked that I was 40 when I said we had been on a big holiday abroad for my 40th. They'd guessed me at almost a decade younger. I didn't have a single grey hair at 40. Indeed, the first one popped out when I was 53-54 around the time I started my menopause. (THEN I started to look my age!) 😬

Really, you need to cut down your hours. No-one needs money that much. If you're struggling financially, have a good look at the income and expenditure and see what you can cut down on.

@InsolentAnnie You've been given some good advice here by other posters, (regarding being brighter and healthier and less tired,) so I won't repeat it.