What has happened to me??!!

[InsolentAnnie]

Almost my whole life I’ve been slim (size 10 pre-kids, 12 after the first one); hair not great (very thin and fine) but passable and can look decent; always looked a bit younger than I am; skin prone to a few spots and blotchiness, never clear and lovely but pretty average and okay. Used to wearing what suits me and avoiding what doesn’t. So all in all, I was never going to be a model but I could dress up and feel lovely, felt okay when not dressed up, and generally reasonably confident.

I’ve hit 40 and now have two kids. Nothing fits me the way it used to and I no longer have any idea of what suits me (except batwing tops seem okay). Skinny jeans that I lived in now make my hips look huge. I’ve gone up two dress sizes. My skin has rosacea on my cheeks, I have permanent dark shadows, I ache all over and often have a bad back / hips. I feel AWFUL about myself. DH is lovely and genuinely wouldn’t care if I wore a bin bag, but is bewildered because I keep crying about how I look and feel. I just don’t feel like me any more, and I don’t know what to do about it. I’ve bought some things from Vinted but whether I shop there or on the high street it’s always hit and miss as to whether I find something that suits me. I need a REALLY good pair of jeans but can’t find one (have to be high waisted and not stretchy because my tummy needs holding in). I feel permanently frumpy, my makeup always looks uneven even if I spend ages on it. And generally what used to work, now doesn’t at all.

Help!! How do I get out of this rut?! I have literally no time to go to the gym (I have three jobs and work lots of evenings), try to eat healthily, use a salicylic acid cleanser every day, drink water…. I just don’t know what to do. I need an overhaul and I don’t know how to go about it!

Why are you working three jobs?!

No wonder you're looking and feeling a bit weary! 😬

How many hours a week is each one?

Seriously, you should not be feeling this bad/this rough at just 40! I still felt fabulous at that age, and had lots of energy, and did lots of activities, both with friends, and the kids, and DH. I looked like I was about 32/33 too. A number of people told me they were shocked that I was 40 when I said we had been on a big holiday abroad for my 40th. They'd guessed me at almost a decade younger. I didn't have a single grey hair at 40. Indeed, the first one popped out when I was 53-54 around the time I started my menopause. (THEN I started to look my age!) 😬

Really, you need to cut down your hours. No-one needs money that much. If you're struggling financially, have a good look at the income and expenditure and see what you can cut down on.

@InsolentAnnie You've been given some good advice here by other posters, (regarding being brighter and healthier and less tired,) so I won't repeat it.

@Enrichetta I agree that joy and fun is also so important and now (at 48) more than ever, I'm appreciating how my psychological wellbeing and physical health are intertwined (for better or worse.)
I play Padel each week with a friend, yes because it keeps me nimble and gets my heart going, but also because it is so much fun. We are both pretty terrible, but we laugh and laugh. Similarly, I've joined a choir. I loved singing as a teen, and coming back to it has been a great joy.
I found a few of my friendships group became more isolated and lost their joy at this time of life (through no fault of their own- Covid, family breakdown, raising kids, ageing parents) but some of us have made a huge effort to get it back- by meeting up (even when its hard work to do so), doing silly pub quizzes, making a garden, travelling to new places, or just joining a bookclub, doing a daily dog walk or making a supportive WhatsApp group. It's not easy to keep it up, but it is so important to have fun and to nurture strong friendships where they exist (and even make some new ones.)

There is a good article in today's Guardian about Vit C Serums, most of which are realistically priced. The writer has had skin issues since teenage, so is v aware of choosing correct product. Maybe, OP, you can treat yourself?

Main thing, though: 3x jobs is no good to anyone. How can you, OP, carve out down-time for yourself? The meditation-tapes in the car was a good suggestion if schedules are really tight.
Good luck, OP. You're battling the odds with 3x jobs AND peri-menopause.

Talk to DH about how to cut yourself some slack.

Yes, M&S 'Mom" jeans are good.
Also: there's light at the end of the tunnel. I'm now "officially old" & lucky enough to be happy with my quality of life. My diary is packed with social and cultural stuff. I have no-one to please but myself. Might've been hard getting here, but it's nice to be here. Keep on keeping on.

Have you had a health check lately Op? Wondering if your thyroid levels need a boost, or maybe you are peri menopausal, worth a chat with your Gp

Cut down on wheat. I thought it was all mumbo jumbo about wheat, but I feel a great deal better for halving the amount of wheat in my diet, in particular aching and clicky joints.

How is that helpful?! I'm glad for you, but everyone is different. OP I wish someone had told me to start HRT when I was your age and experiencing exactly yhe same. The aches are a total giveaway. You need estrogen !

I get it, OP - it’s hard. You’ve had lots of good advice on here re work and hrt, so I won’t repeat it. I will say - I am a decade older than you and suddenly my flat tummy and tiny waist (that always made me feel better about my already enormous bum and thighs!) isn’t what it was. It’s very annoying…

BUT, we have one life. Does it matter if we look older and a bit chubbier than we did 10/20/30 years ago?! We’ve lived through that time, possibly had kids, gained wisdom…why should we still look exactly the same? I’m not saying we just roll over and do nothing to be healthy and feel good about ourselves- but give yourself a break. We are here once and we don’t know for how long. A friend of mine recently died of cancer in her early 50s…should she have spent her final years beating herself up about being a dress size too ‘big’ - or should she have relaxed and drunk the wine/eaten the pasta?

The point is, we don’t know what’s around the corner. Try to accept yourself as best you can - do what you need to to feel better - but also try to enjoy your one precious life and not sweat the small stuff! X

How's your diet?

Azaleic Acid can work wonders for sudden 40 something arrival of rosacea (fairly cheap one from The Ordinary worked very well for me).
HRT
Fish oil omega 3 supplements
20 minutes at home resistance workout - 3 times a week using dumbells, kettle balls, resistance bands - whatever you can manage - there's loads of stuff on youtube to get advice. 20 minutes, you don't need to leave the living room to do it. Start with this. Stick with it for a few months. See how you feel.
Eat more protein, more veg, a lot less sugar/carbs.

I hit 60. 18 stone. Stopped caring about my appearance. 44 waist xxxl clothes. Working stupid hours in a job I hated. Then I woke up one day looked in the mirror and said to myself fuck this. I got a new job.Cut back on my hours. Hit the gym three times a week. I’m now 12 stone 3 lb. 30 waist medium clothes.
my point is there comes a time in your life when you have two choices you either except this is the way you are or you say no I’m not going to be like this working three jobs would be a killer for anybody your body needs time to relax. It needs time to switch off. Make time for yourself.

Similar happened to me when I was in my early forties. I’ve always been size 6, energetic and bouncing around like a Duracell bunny. Took my health for granted.

I overhauled my diet, sorted my work-life balance and I exercise daily (walking everywhere, spending time in nature, resistance training, yoga and martial arts) and made sure I carved out some time for myself.

Unfortunately at some point in life good health and happiness are not a given.

Unfortunately, I don’t think it’s possible to eat ‘normally’ in your 40s, post-kids, peri-adjacent.

I have just started a kind-of 18/6 diet where I don’t eat until (very small) lunch. It does help to suppress appetite. I’ve lost a few pounds since Easter, maybe four. I need to lost about 20 pounds in total, so I’ll keep going.

I also need a new foundation, my skin is strange.

Commiserations OP.

Start with your diet. Try giving up gluten. Life changing for me. Issues with your skin are likely caused by inflammation so keep a food diary and see what’s causing it.

It massively improved my mental health too. Who knew gluten can cause depression?!

Welcome to perimenopause. OPs have given some excellent advice, so I won't repeat it, other than to say it's really important to factor in some me-time and start prioritising yourself rather than all those around you who are happy for you to keep doing the heavy lifting.

Oh I’m sending a virtual hug OP 🤗

I remember sitting in the bath sobbing that my figure had gone and I’d achieved nothing in life. I was about 45. My dh was at a loss, he said (and did) all he could to reassure me. I had two lovely dc and a decent job and plenty of friends.

Go to your GP and see if HRT would be appropriate for you. The doctor refused me at the time (he didn’t believe in it & I was too meek to argue) and told me to take black cohosh (which did help a little). I did get HRT years later and it was a game changer for me.

Do some regular exercise, if you can manage it go to a yoga class, join a gym.

Go to a free makeup lesson in Boots or John Lewis. Also I’d recommend booking a free consultation with a personal stylist at John Lewis. It’s a great experience as they will listen to your wants and choose items to suit your body (and wallet).

I think our 40’s can be a pivotal moment as the baby producing days are ending and menopause often steals energy and self confidence.

It’s great that you have a loving and supportive dh.

Good luck. 💐

sorry just seen you say you don’t have time for the gym, perhaps your dh or others can help give you some time back.

My friend felt like this and HRT did help her a lot.

I had increasing rosacea and itchy skin too - very dry. I now apply Epaderm ointment twice a day which has helped a lot.

I haven't put on weight, but am losing my waist. I found a pair of high waisted jeans I love, to my surprise, in a Tesco Extra where I wasnt even looking for jeans. Maybe worth a try?

I think it is more likely to be perimenopause too. I've put on weight since I started back in 2020, and im now 45. I was always a very slim size 10, now after 3 DC, I'm size 12 with a muffin top. It's harder to lose weight and I have to really watch what I eat now. I used to be able to eat absolutely anything, but now I'm sure if I ate what I liked, I'd be a size 18.😐😵‍💫

Good diet, exercise, using great skincare products, possibly HRT, but being kind to yourself and accepting that ageing will probably cause (unwanted) changes is the best approach. We can all get a bit healthier and have a great lifestyle, and aiming to be the best we can without being too hard on ourselves is by far a great idea.

I'm sure it'll be ok, OP.

Ohh I feel for you OP, could have written this myself a few months ago. I'm slowly finding my style again 5 years on from becoming a mum (only to find style had moved on without me!) I'm lucky to have been able to find the time too exercise which, while it hasn't changed my body, has boosted my mood lots. If you're short on money and time, maybe take a look at something like Yoga With Adriene on YouTube to introduce a bit of gentle movement and build from there (lots of other video workouts on YouTube!) I've ditched skinnies and started wearing more wide leg jeans (I find the M&S wide style pretty good for the price - come in lots of colours and lengths, are high waisted and not too stretchy). Vinted is great but can be a false economy if you buy things that don't fit or suit. I've found ordering lots of different styles, colour sand sizes from high street shops better. Once you have an idea what fits and suits you can look for those sizes and brands on Vinted which is what I do now. Sounds like you could do with a day off all responsibilities to go get your hair cut, have a personal stylist appointment at a high street shop and try find your mojo again. Azelaic acid is supposed to be good for rosacea btw - I did Skin + Me for a bit, they do a 'consultation' with you where you send in photos and describe your skin problems and they prescribe a custom formulation to target it. It was a bit pricy for me in the end so now I buy some of the same bits they recommended from places like the Ordinary and Inkey List when on offer and it comes in a bit cheaper. Good luck to you x

Peri meni is an absolute nightmare! Me and my friends now through it were discussing it.

for starters:-

menopace max
magnesium glycinate (think that’s the one)
sage
magnesium cream (good on soles of feet for sleep)
try to make time for a bit of exercise. Even 10 mins a day as pp said Yoga with Adrienne online.
i had the horrendous crying. Nothing helped. Plus double periods in a month!

HRT really helped me but only got in late 40s.

Consider seeing a menopause hormone specialist.

Get your thyroid checked if underactive symptoms can be like PMT. Mine was only diagnosed in late 30s.

Chocolate 🍫 and the odd g&t 🍸doesn’t harm either! But try to cut down on booze if you do drink.

Oh and finally don’t panic about this! ☺️

Talking to my best friends helped a lot too, none of us mentioned it then one day we all did and it was like a support group! 🤣☺️. Compared symptoms like menopause rage which one friend had but I didn’t.

Also from 2pm decaf tea and decaf coffee only and camomile in the evening.

Try lavender oil on pillow if trouble getting to sleep. Peppermint oil helps with stress and headaches.

If you want to go down the woo route of crystals and sachets with stuff in, it can help relax, eg with candles and meditation. No harm in that at all. I’ve got a lovely mediation shrine with candles, those incense sticks and oils in my bedroom. Plus funny motivational quote wall hangings from friends.

I feel your pain! Went from a size 8 to a 14 in a year when I hit mid 40s. No energy, looked and felt like shit. I did the following and I’m now 47 and get mistaken for mid-late thirties:
Mounjaro- lost 3stone in a year and now a size 8 again
Botox and Skin boosters regularly
Roots/colour done every month no question
Light self tan all year round
Eyebrows done
Nails always done
SPF every day
loads of protein every day
And- give up the booze- you’ll lose weight, save loads of money, your skin will be better and you’ll just feel way better
and HRT

its a commitment but I feel like a different person from a few years ago

In the kindest way possible, are you really eating well?

I thought I was until I really started researching it. I have been doing this because I have a cancer diagnosis and have had treatment which really knocks my physical health.

Through a variety of websites and reading up about health, I discovered that what I thought was healthy eating wasn’t actually the best it could be.

A program on BBC iPlayer called just one thing

The episode about eating oily fish was very interesting. I have taken it a lot further and I’m currently reading Dominic Ludwig book called no nonsense nutrition.

upping my oily fish intake has improved my fatigue quite significantly. I am eating it 4 to 5 times a week, but that’s because my. Health issues require me to give my body more nutrition than a healthy person, but I’m quite surprised at the difference it’s made.

Having kids really changed my entire body. It wasn't just a bit of weight gain. My entire body is just bigger, regardless of much I weigh (which is about the same pre-kids now), my body is just wider. And that includes my face. I honestly hate looking at photo's of myself now because my face is just massive - not fat - just bloody huge. Kids really do a number on you don't they.