What has happened to me??!!

[InsolentAnnie]

Almost my whole life I’ve been slim (size 10 pre-kids, 12 after the first one); hair not great (very thin and fine) but passable and can look decent; always looked a bit younger than I am; skin prone to a few spots and blotchiness, never clear and lovely but pretty average and okay. Used to wearing what suits me and avoiding what doesn’t. So all in all, I was never going to be a model but I could dress up and feel lovely, felt okay when not dressed up, and generally reasonably confident.

I’ve hit 40 and now have two kids. Nothing fits me the way it used to and I no longer have any idea of what suits me (except batwing tops seem okay). Skinny jeans that I lived in now make my hips look huge. I’ve gone up two dress sizes. My skin has rosacea on my cheeks, I have permanent dark shadows, I ache all over and often have a bad back / hips. I feel AWFUL about myself. DH is lovely and genuinely wouldn’t care if I wore a bin bag, but is bewildered because I keep crying about how I look and feel. I just don’t feel like me any more, and I don’t know what to do about it. I’ve bought some things from Vinted but whether I shop there or on the high street it’s always hit and miss as to whether I find something that suits me. I need a REALLY good pair of jeans but can’t find one (have to be high waisted and not stretchy because my tummy needs holding in). I feel permanently frumpy, my makeup always looks uneven even if I spend ages on it. And generally what used to work, now doesn’t at all.

Help!! How do I get out of this rut?! I have literally no time to go to the gym (I have three jobs and work lots of evenings), try to eat healthily, use a salicylic acid cleanser every day, drink water…. I just don’t know what to do. I need an overhaul and I don’t know how to go about it!

Tracking calories and exercising worked for me, plus drinking plenty of water, supplements and skincare regime, but 3 jobs sounds stressful! What hours are they, where is the family and down time? Sleep is also so important for how you feel but maybe you’re not getting enough of that either?

@sidneytweeneythat would be the dream but I just don’t have the budget for all that, sadly! I don’t drink much anyway - a glass or two of wine a week, at the most.

@whatisheuptothanks, yes I didn’t find that reply very helpful either! Some people do need the money that much. And I don’t have time to batch cook 😂

I do three jobs because I’m part freelance and they all have very flexible hours which works around the kids. The disadvantage of this is that I have to flit between jobs throughout the week and that’s mentally tricky, and it’s hard to plan eg meals because every week is different to the last. DH works his socks off both in his job and at home, and always has done, but his job can be unreliable too, though he’s soon moving to one where he should need to do less overtime. In the odd week where my hours are regular and the kids’ after school clubs aren’t on, we’ve had a few ‘ohhh, this is what it’s like for people who work regular hours!?’ revelations 😂

I love my career and it’s so important for my mental health, and I do also have a hobby I do once a week and try to meet with friends when I can. One of the DC is also being extremely challenging at the moment, which doesn’t help. We have family support, so we’re in a much better position than a lot of people, but what little time we have left over is spent either trying to sort out the house (to make it easier to function day-to-day - really I need Marie Kondo or Stacey Solomon to come and sort it for us), or doing things with the kids.

There are some great suggestions on here but I just struggle to find the brain space to implement anything because it’s so full of just trying to get through the day. I’m pleased with myself that I’ve got into the habit of using SPF50 face cream and actually taking any make up off at night (mostly) - which in itself feels like an achievement because we shall fall into bed at midnight absolutely exhausted and don’t get enough sleep. Diet-wise, we eat as few UPFs as possible - mostly everything is made from scratch, even bread - but I know I eat too many carbs and not enough protein. I’m often grabbing something quick when I’m knackered, which is hard to get round.

I’ll look at a JL appt - thanks. Not near any of the ones who do make up ones, though. Where could I get a makeup session that’s not tied to any particular brand..?

This was me eighteen months ago.
I followed some women on Instagram - oh my style being the best. She’s our age, shops on the high street and although my bank balance takes a hit I look great and feel great with all her suggestions of clothes.
Went to boots and got new make up from NO7. All lovely stuff easy too put on and not expensive.
i have a skin care routine now that i stick to.
i treat my hair with a leave in conditioner every week i bought it on amazon and have my hair trimmed every five weeks (no colour or wet cut so only costs £15)
i drink water like it’s about to dry out and i calorie count to have lost three stone.

Small changes have made a huge difference to me

Diet-wise, we eat as few UPFs as possible - mostly everything is made from scratch, even bread - but I know I eat too many carbs and not enough protein. I’m often grabbing something quick when I’m knackered, which is hard to get round.

Giving up refined carbs, especially bread, has been life-changing for me. Practically the only carbs I eat these days are lentils, chickpeas, black beans, quinoa and wild rice, plus occasionally wholewheat pasta.

Re. time to cook: I batch-cook the protein: chicken and salmon mostly, enough for 2-3 meals. I also batch cook things like lentils and slow-fry/caramelise at least a kilo of onions at a time. Make up batches of Asian marinade (ginger, garlic, soy, oyster or fish sauce, sesame oil, maybe a bit of lemon juice or Hoisin sauce. Also batches of salad dressing - lemon juice, wine or balsamic vinegar, EVOO, a bit of mustard.

As for grabbing something quick when knackered - I always have a bowl of boiled eggs in the fridge - they are protein bombs and provide a fantastic boost of energy. Or I eat a tablespoon of cottage cheese or Greek yogurt (the one from Lidl is delicious!).

Sorry you are feeling low op 💐

I don’t know you but I hate to read that you are beating yourself up for, in your opinion, not looking as good as you did pre-40.

I’d like to remind you that you have two dc and three jobs and a husband! That alone would defeat most people so why not give yourself a pat on the back? What you are doing is far more important than how you look!

If you do want to improve how you feel though then you need to carve out two sacred periods of time per week just just for you if at all possible. One for attending to your own appearance; eyebrows, hands and feet, clothes shopping, hairdresser appt etc. And the other to do something you love like a hobby or a sport.

But if you want to feel better in a sustainable way then start by going to the gp and get a blood test and check for conditions like anaemia and low thyroid, depression, or hormonal issues?

And then pay attention to:
-your sleep
-your diet
-your exercise.

Hope you feel more yourself soon 💐

The three freelance jobs might seem convenient for fitting around the kids but it sounds like it's not working. It's taking to much of a toll on you.

Lots of good advice here.
I would ask got Vit D/Vit B /iron tests either private or via NHS.If very low I'd go for infusions privately for any of them (vit d just take an oral spray daily anyway).That's the basics checked and sorted.You will feel shit, achey and depressed if any of them are low.
You Have no time so use Lucy Wyndham Read's 7 min workouts on YouTube dailym.That will make a huge difference to how you feel -they are fun and she is motivating.
Clothes - I live in good quality leggings (Crz Yoga have great colours and patterns), new blance trainers and uniqlo men's pastelsweatshirts with good silver jewellery during the week!Means I'm more likely to be active but still looks nice.You don't have time but if you do I really recommend a basic ashtanga yoga class weekly :)
Eye bags £10 Inkey caffeine eye cream, Cerave moisturiser (big tub - face and neck)and moisturising face wash.Factor 30 sunblock for face when out and about.

I'm the same... I woke up one morning after turning 40 and looked totally different, I honestly didn't think it would happen for another decade. My looks was never something I'd had to worry about (looked average but was happy enough with that!), now there is a whole other mental load in trying not to look like utter shite. My face is so wrinkly and old, my hair grey, wirey and thinning... urgh hate it.

No advice, but sympathy and it is kind of nice to know it is not just me. It sometimes feel like everyone my age looks so much more youthful with totally smooth foreheads in particular 😭

I second PP's advice to get levels checked anyway. I discovered I am totally anemic with non-existent iron stores. No quick fix unfortunately, but hopefully it will improve eventually! It probably has affected my hair in particular.

This too I don’t do all of this but def spend time for yourself.

The French apparently look after the whole body and mind including clothes. They have a word for it. Used to go to aqua spinning in pool near parents house only cost €8. When I looked into it in London cost was £20 per session, only in rich areas and hardly anyone does it now. Brilliant workout! All you do is push spinning bikes into pool.

Parents holiday home in France I mean, sold.

I have started following a few women on social media who are of similar size and shape to me to gain an idea of what clothing might suit me. I have historically been very good at this myself, but there are some
clothing styles I wouldn’t have dreamed of trying while wearing a size 16-18, but these women look fabulous wearing them and have given me the confidence to try the same.

One of my favourite items of clothing is now a sleeveless mini dress from Primark. It has a square neckline and is of the corset shape with a flared skirt section that is in fashion currently. It is so flattering, yet I would’ve bypassed it had I not see others of my shape and size wear similar and looking great.

I managed to lose 1 stone last year by cutting out sugar, drinking black coffee and eating smaller portions and less carbohydrates. I weighed myself a few months ago as I could tell I had gained weight, and I had put the stone back on plus almost half a stone extra. I’ve tried doing the same things again, and cutting down on alcohol and snacks, and have only lost a few pounds over 3 months. I do not have time to exercise, and I feel destined to never lose weight. I keep looking into Mounjaro but chicken out of it, and can’t really afford it either.

You Have no time so use Lucy Wyndham Read's 7 min workouts on YouTube daily. That will make a huge difference to how you feel -they are fun and she is motivating.

I agree with @growinguptobreakingdown - Lucy is lovely, and her short workouts can be fitted in even when you only have 5-10 minutes.

I particularly like her Thighs & Glutes workout - it is extremely effective:

However, she doesn’t use weights, which most trainers consider essential, especially as we age. Get a pair of 3 kg dumbbells and try this:

A strong core makes everything else easier, including walking, doing housework and just staying upright. It only takes 3 minutes a day….. (though you may only be able to do 30 seconds initially, if you do it everyday you’ll notice the difference within a month).

A smooth glassy forehead is a strange, unnatural sight on an otherwise ageing face imo!

Oh, sweetie, everything starts to change at 40 - metabolism slows to a halt. I am sure you don't look as bad as you think, there will still be your good points. You need to look beyond what you dislike. As for the rosacea did you try moisturiser? If that doesn't work, ask the gp for topical antibiotic gel. I am struggling with excess weight even now as I had my youngest at 41, have exercised as much as I could and probably operate through grief. I just find little tweaks here and there, mostly look on Utube and pick up advice. Hope things improve for you, try yo love yourself no matter what. 🥰

I can absolutely empathise.

Reading in to your post - the aching, rosacea and other symptoms jump out. You may have an underlying issue that is driving all your problems. I can speak from my experience.

Pregnancy and peri menopause cause and exacerbate histamine intolerance (HI) in many women. Read up on it. I suffered for too many years, until I self researched and got in to accidental discussions with people and found my way.

Basically, HI manifests with allergic symptoms, body and joint aches and rosacea. PM me if you'd like to....I'm happy to tell you more about my journey and what eventually has helped.

You're not alone. How you feel is normal and you are strong for having shared it. Too many of us suffer in silence from the historical truth that women and their (unique) health issues are to be lived with. It's not true.

that SA cerave cleanser is way to harsh to use everyday if you have rosacea, my advice would be to use the cerave hydrating cleanser. And if you want to use a chemical exfoliatant then use something gentler like mendalic acid or lactic acid twice a week max. And make sure you are using spf 50 everyday on face, neck and hands and maybe introduce a retinol/retinal at night time

Get your thyroid tested - skin problems, weight gain, fatigue and muscle aches are all symptoms of an under active thyroid. Get the full test which tests antibodies too

I follow love style 40 on insta I really like her style. I’ve said it before on here Tesco have really upped their game on the clothes this year I love their range. Also H&M is another go to.
im 45 podgy tummy size 14. I want to be comfortable but not frumpy. Also a massive fan of Elemis cleansing balm. Spennny but it’s my one splurge

I could have written this a year ago. The biggest thing getting me down was my skin, it had always been clear even as a teenager and it was awful. I tried everything to clear it from antibiotics to clearasil! Somone on here recommended Soolantra and it cleared it up straight away. I never really post on here but I just wish I had heard of this cream 18 months earlier!

HRT. All the hot women are on it

Dont wait until you’re saggy and dry - take it now!

I also started having bad skin around that age and I put up with it for ages. I went to the GP and they gave me antibiotic cream but it never made it better. I took the plunge with an online dermatologist subscription and it started clearing up straightaway. It’s not a cheap option but it made me feel so much better

Not everyone can take it, and anyone with any sense knows it is not the elixir of youth, otherwise we’d all look like Madonna in our eighties!

Been there, done that except i am 38. I gave up added sugar for a month and that was my bounce back

Come to Jesus, know Him and Know love. We often try to find something to fl the God void but no matter how much we try, everything else is in vain. In Christ you are beautiful because as the bible says you're fearfully and wonderfully made

Well, he slipped up with the menopause and everything going south, didn’t he ? Seemed to favour the men- they’re rugged and craggy not saggy, in old age!