The psychology of (over) shopping and filling the void when you stop

[asparagusffern]

I have spent the weekend doing a massive clear out of clothes and shoes I don't wear, multiple black bags for the clothes bank. I haven't even gone near the attic yet. I am trying to unpick how I got here. I know I'm not alone, the whole fashion industry revolves around people like me.

The thing is, I have a very good sense of my own style, I know what I like and what suits me, and I have a de facto capsule wardrobe of good quality things I love that I wear week in, week out.

But despite that I find myself also buying things that I kind of like, but don't love, and don't have any occasion to wear. I'm trying to work out why, so I can stop doing it! I'm wondering is it all the articles I've read over the years telling me the 'wardrobe must haves' even though a leather jacket or a trench coat are not my style. I feel I need to have one of each, just in case the occasion arises, even though I know it won't. Is it the security of knowing that the 'essentials' are there if I need them, ticked off the list?

Another element is the inability to pass by a 'bargain' - but it's not a bargain if you're never going to wear it, is it? I am deleting Vestiare and Vinted as they are just fueling this. But then what to I do with those random hours I spend scrolling them looking for things I don't really want, and probably won't wear. I used to be someone who read 2/3 books a week, now I scroll endlessly until my eyes hurt. I have piles of books that I intend to read but never seem to have time for because my phone is screaming for my attention ALL THE TIME

I want to get out of this cycle and wonder if anyone else would like to join me? Some solidarity might keep us on the straight and narrow!

The thing is, I have a very good sense of my own style, I know what I like and what suits me, and I have a de facto capsule wardrobe of good quality things I love that I wear week in, week out.

But despite that I find myself also buying things that I kind of like, but don't love, and don't have any occasion to wear.

Your answer is there. Starting with the first paragraph, personally I can't be doing with the MN holy grail of a "capsule wardrobe". Unless you [general you] is strapped for cash it's a boring and limiting way to wear clothes.

Re your second paragraph, other than bridal gowns, ball gowns , very formal wear and swimsuits what "occasions" do you [general you] need to put on clothes? or put on clothes and leave the house?
For example whilst Covid resulted in formal office going I'm now seeing lots of interesting outfits which wouldn't have been worn in the pre-Covid days.

I'm sitting in the garden doing nothing wearing this &Daughter dress. I mean you might hate it, I'm posting it just because it was quite an expensive dress but I don't need any occasion to wear it beyond getting out of bed.

https://www.shopstyle.co.uk/g/women/daughter/rosalie-gathered-gingham-woven-midi-dress/903196506

I never wear the same outfit 2 days running. I work in an office 5 days and always change when I get home- not into leisure wear but into older things, which whilst I still like they're maybe not things I want to wear out of the house.

Oh and don't buy things you kind of like. I only buy things I love but I never buy anything to "keep for good" or for a one off special occasion.

even though a leather jacket or a trench coat are not my style

Ignore all these "must have essential" articles, including the lists which appear on here. I've never owned and never will own a leather jacket or trainers. I don't own jeans and last owned a blazer when I was at school. I have a huge wardrobe of clothes - I love everything in it. Some of it won't get worn very often but I keep track of what I wear and give everything a wee bit of love.

Very interesting post OP. There was a low/ no spending thread earlier in the year which I found quite helpful in making me understand why I was making so many purchases. It seems to have died a death though, and some posters were interpreting low buy quite liberally imho.
I buy clothes that make me think of all the exciting social events that I could go on - holidays, meals out, the theatre etc In reality most of my time is spent doing activities which get my clothes dirty. So there is a serious mismatch between the quantity of clothes I have and the clothes I need. Say 80% of my clothes are for the ‘fun’ activities which I only do about 2 days a week.
I rarely buy clothes in person anymore. It’s mostly done on line, and like you I see this as a form of evening entertainment, browsing websites and instagram.
Im hoping someone will come up with the answer to your conundrum because I think it would benefit me too. I did start the year on a one item a month limit but by July I fell off the bandwagon. (those darn sales), and I felt it kept me looking at the websites. Perhaps a no buy year would be better, but I like clothes and fashion so that seems a bit OTT. After all I don’t buy that much.
Im not sure having a massive clear out helps. It makes room for more purchases after all. There is a wear every item in your wardrobe challenge that I’ve come across. After you’ve worn the item the. You can get rid of it. Supposed to help you face the overconsumption.

I only signed up for Vinted a few weeks ago but already I'm close to deleting it. The search facility and the way it adjusts to your viewing history are, I will concede, brilliant. But the presentation and the information are so haphazard that I feel I might as well be buying a clothing lucky bag. Plus it's horribly addictive and the way it eats up my time has shocked me.

I don't know if this will help but here are some of the things I do instead that still allow me to indulge my clothes habit but that feel less destructive and even a bit creative.

1. My big fashion passion is vintage. I've collected it, on and off for 50 years. (The reason I was trying out Vinted and Ebay is because my other sources are drying up.) But it struck me that I knew surprisingly little about some of these clothes so I've started learning about costume and fashion history. I spend hours pouring over books and fashion photos and illustrations, I follow fashion historians on Instagram, I watch YouTube videos and sign up for online talks at the V&A (about £6 a session). It's fascinating - social history in my own wardrobe.

2. Real shops. I realise I'm lucky in that, although the local high street is grim, there are still some decent charity shops and dress agencies and I go to vintage fairs a few times a year. It's a slower way to find things of course and more times than not I come away empty handed, but I enjoy the hunt and the rummage. I also learn more by handling fabrics than I do staring at my phone and, if nothing else, it means I have to leave the house, walk around and talk to people.

3. I've gone back to sewing. I'm not particularly good at it and I'm more suited to learning how to repair some of my own clothes than making something from scratch. But it's immensely satisfying plus it gives you an insight into how clothes are made and how much it costs to make something well.

I also want to get out of this cycle.
I have always loved clothes and fashion and have spent thousands over the years.
It used to be fuelled by hating the way I look in clothes, since a recent weight loss I have done some serious research into what colours/fabrics/shapes suit me which has helped with rebuilding my wardrobe after the weight loss! However im not an easy shape to buy for (hourglass) and have sensory issues... so many reasons why I keep buying, basically. I am also horrific at 'saving for best' and worried about looking overdressed (so end up underdressed and never wearing my beautiful clothes!) I also dont have storage that correlates with how my brain works with outfit building very well - currently in the process of trying to figure out a better solution as I think this will help massively (I'd need to move to get what would work best for me, so this is a stop gap!) Interested to hear other people's backgrounds and history and to try and keep accountability!

Would also be keen to hear if anyone's managed to find a way of storage that means they wear what they have more and lessen the buying urge!

I could’ve written this word for word.

I try hard not to think about how much I’ve spent on clothes over the years. A lot. Probably in the tens of thousands. So many clothes that just stayed in a drawer or the wardrobe, because I never had the right occasion to wear them and when I did I would worry about looking overdressed.

We have recently moved house and a few weeks before the move I boxed up all my clothes bar about 6 outfits. Weirdly it felt incredibly freeing, and I had no problem in choosing what to put on in the morning as I usually do. Basically because there wasn’t any choice. I think I realised having a capsule wardrobe works best for me because I am easily overwhelmed by choice and find putting outfits together very hard.

Thanks for all the thoughtful replies, it's so interesting to read your perspectives!

@IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastleyou are so right to only buy what you absolutely love, in think that's the golden rule. I think what's annoying me is that I didn't stick to that, buying things that are almost but not quite right, in the cut or the fabric. I have some dresses that I don't wear that often but just seeing them makes me happy, so I'm not begrudging them space in the wardrobe.

@NodecaffallowedI completely hear you re the dopamine hit, I can spend weeks looking for the perfect thing (recently it was a chocolate suede slouchy bag) but often it's the thrill of the chase, once I find it I lose interest. I annoy myself with that one! I am inspired by your detox, I already feel better having culled my wardrobe this weekend

@narniabusinessthank you for reminding me, last year I started a one item a month, I was doing really well with that and like you fell off the wagon at the sales. I'm going to start that again.

like most of you I've love fashion, art and design since my teens, I don't want to give it up, but I need to change my relationship with it. I think you're right @Nodecaffalloweda monthly/yearly budget is the way to go, I don't want to drain all the fun out of my life but I need to feel more in control of it I think, more considered purchases rather than just purchases

@Floismeny problem with vinted is that practically everything it feeds me is spot on, I want it all, and then realise I have something almost identical already. It's just making me want things I don't really want IYKWIM. I LOVE the idea of studying some fashion history, I have some exhibitions lined up to visit in London, Marie Antionette at the V&A, Cecil Beaton at the National Portrait Gallery, there's also a gorgeous one of period film costumes, from Cosprop that I'd love to see. If I stop buying random navy jumpers on vinted it'll pay my airfare!

@Thundertoast I'm terrible at saving things for vest too, I hope that by culling all the things I don't absolutely love I'll be forced to wear my best stuff everyday!

@UggbootsforeverI agree about how freeing it is to have fewer choices, I get so stressed sometimes that I end up wearing more of less the same thing every day.

It's complicated isn't it? I'm sure a lot of these issues would keep a therapist occupied for quite a while! I know a lot of my baggage comes from my grandmother and mother, those wartime/postwar make do and mend/ never throw anything out/ don't be too extravagant attitudes. It's hard to get those voices out of my head! It's great to think about it though and try to work it through

I have far too many clothes. I like most of them. I have several bags waiting to be taken to the hospice shop. I don't go anywhere to wear the nice clothes.

The problem for me is the buying things because it was there or because it was cheap, or buying for a person who has a lifestyle I don't have.
I also buy multiples.
'I really like this so I'll buy another one.'
I can't see myself wearing a nice dress in my garden. I'd be gardening.

I have ADHD and this is very relatable.

I'm not sure my journey is very helpful.

Pre pandemic I decided to declutter. We then went into lockdown, all charity shops shut, and I spent 18 months stuck with bin liners of clothes in my spare room / office.

I determined to build a capsule wardrobe. Research told me I needed a colour palette. As it was to be a pared down wardrobe I needed to get the colours right. If I was to spend more per item they needed to be the right colours. Clothes I would wear again.

More rabbit-holing and an inability to be able to choose a colour palette led me to biting the bullet and getting my colours done professionally when the lock down lifted.

Perhaps it was timing but sitting in a chair havibg colours draped, looking for colours that made me shine, after months of feeling invisible, was a wonderful experience.

I did indeed experience seeing my face light up with the right colours, a real sort of coming into focus.

So I left with a booklet of colours, and since then I've got rid of pretty much everything outside of my palette, bar some practical black work items, and some black and white striped items - everything else sits in my warm spring colour palette.

The up shot is that I now only wear my top colours, of which there were around 9. I may dip into some of the total 36 colours in my season but by and large I look for the other colours.

This places a natural limitation when I look in shops and online, but it's not limiting particularly, as the clothes all mix (as they are in the same palette). They tend not to date and can be refreshed with a different shoe, bag etc., so I buy less.

It also makes shopping a slightly more seasonal endeavour - naturally my spring colours are in store in the spring - this is rather an nice quirk as I can indulge on a seasonal basis, so then I'm left with what to fill my time with in summer, autumn, winter. That's fairly easy. Summer = fitness challenges. Autumn = nature walks outside in the lovely colours. Winter = comedy and theatre and building up my fitness back after Christmas.

My approach is also informed by the fact of cost of living, my salary etc., and the need to save more to retire (ever!) - to this end I got involved with doing the Rebel Finance School free course, which I highly recommend, aimed at people who are looking to reach financial independence and retire early (FIRE). I'm not sure I want to retire early but it has certainly helped me with budgeting and saving- understanding how much x amount invested now would be in future etc. There's also a community who have meetups, and I spend time weekly / monthly doing my finances in a coffee shop or pub garden so that uses up some of the time I'd have gone shopping with.

I do love fashion and would love to do a course one day but at the moment think we are a bit lost - in some kind of transition between the throwaway fashion era, to something else, and I'm not sure what yet.

I feel you!!

I periodically delete all the clothing shop apps that I spend time browsing. I'm terrible for wanting to take advantage of a bargain so am drawn to the Zara 'special prices' or the H&M 15% off member price offers etc. Anything reduced, makes me feel like I'm getting something good value. I have recently unsubscribed from retailer email mailing lists to reduce the temptation. And each time I see a clothing and pop up on Facebook I close it and say I don't want to see anything similar! Trying to avoid the temptation!

I also find that I buy clothes for the way I really want to dress - which is often slightly dressier/more put together than the way I actually dress. I'm in Scotland and always bloody freezing so end up in jeans/trainers/boots and a massive coat regardless of whatever else I've got on. So I try to remind myself of this when I'm browsing Zara or whatever and finding myself drawn to cowboy boots or a beautiful floaty top or a gorgeous little mini dress. Otherwise I buy it, it ends up in the back of the wardrobe whilst I wear the same one or two pairs of jeans and nice jumpers I own, on rotation!!

I don't really have this issue with clothes shopping. But I definitely have the phone scrolling until eyes hurt instead of reading or other things I love and it is a fairly recent problem. So I'm with you on wanting to break that habit. It makes no sense to me. I feel rubbish when I do it and I feel way better if I spend even just 30 mins gardening or going for a short walk or sewing – anything active and practical instead of the passive doomscrolling.

It's quite radical but now the kids have left home I have a dressing room full of wardrobes so most my clothes are on hangers. It's made a big difference as I can clearly see that I don't need another grey cashmere sweater or cream trousers. But you can see the gaps as it were and all my shoes and bags are accessible. Definitely makes me shop less but better just a couple of great items per season.

I was on the no/low buy thread, have been for three years, and slowly I’m improving. Fewer mistakes, more to actually wear. Budget set and more or less stuck to.

You can write a book (people have) about the factors involved in both overconsumption and mobile phone addiction. I’m looking to get this when it releases in December - I listen to her Broke Generation podcast and whilst not the target audience (I’m very far from a hot mess Millennial), I find it very relateable on consumption and self image. It’s hard when fashion is a big love. Plenty of people couldn’t care less what they wear as long as they are a) not naked and b) not too cold or hot.

And similarly there are a million techniques for dealing with both. As PPs have said you spend less if you need the money for something else or have a bigger goal, and you also spend less time on your phone if you replace it with something else, ideally something where you can’t use a phone. Expecting to one day ‘finish the internet’ is unrealistic.

I think my consumption is tied together somehow with my perfectionism. I don’t want ‘second division’ clothes, I want everything to be best (opposite of some people who save their things for best). I don’t want to wear that’ll do clothes. I think ageing helps as you realise that no matter what you buy, you can’t change your face/neck/whatever you don’t like and self acceptance is the only long term answer. I’m starting to realise that I am far too hard on myself and don’t see what others see.

I also think shopping in IRL is better. The internet promises the earth and for me, despite years of practice, doesn’t deliver, and just keeps me on a cycle of looking, buying and returning. Ironically the thing that is helping me buy less the most is how rubbish so many clothes are now. I think more carefully before clearing things out because it’s not a given you’d find the same quality again. I never thought that 15 years ago.

I’d say I only wear twenty percent of my clothes and shoes. I just can’t face the effort of listing it all. It sells for so little I can’t be bothered, but don’t want to take it all to charity either. I have become a terrible hoarder and it’s making me really miserable . I need someone to come in and completely overhaul my life quite honestly. Just thinking about doing it exhausts me, and yet I still keep buying stuff.

Yes, I always love @Floisme posts - they are always interesting and thought provoking.

This thread is fab. I love all the comments. So interesting !

@Nodecaffallowed only because I regularly read the S&B threads and become familiar with the postings and several usernames stick in the memory for being interesting. I think you can search but perhaps need enhanced membership for this. Im not sure, I’ve never tried.