The psychology of (over) shopping and filling the void when you stop

[asparagusffern]

I have spent the weekend doing a massive clear out of clothes and shoes I don't wear, multiple black bags for the clothes bank. I haven't even gone near the attic yet. I am trying to unpick how I got here. I know I'm not alone, the whole fashion industry revolves around people like me.

The thing is, I have a very good sense of my own style, I know what I like and what suits me, and I have a de facto capsule wardrobe of good quality things I love that I wear week in, week out.

But despite that I find myself also buying things that I kind of like, but don't love, and don't have any occasion to wear. I'm trying to work out why, so I can stop doing it! I'm wondering is it all the articles I've read over the years telling me the 'wardrobe must haves' even though a leather jacket or a trench coat are not my style. I feel I need to have one of each, just in case the occasion arises, even though I know it won't. Is it the security of knowing that the 'essentials' are there if I need them, ticked off the list?

Another element is the inability to pass by a 'bargain' - but it's not a bargain if you're never going to wear it, is it? I am deleting Vestiare and Vinted as they are just fueling this. But then what to I do with those random hours I spend scrolling them looking for things I don't really want, and probably won't wear. I used to be someone who read 2/3 books a week, now I scroll endlessly until my eyes hurt. I have piles of books that I intend to read but never seem to have time for because my phone is screaming for my attention ALL THE TIME

I want to get out of this cycle and wonder if anyone else would like to join me? Some solidarity might keep us on the straight and narrow!

@Wherethewildthingsfart , It's not so much that I can't, I don't.

I don't get upset about things on here, and I only replied to you because many of the decluttering threads get full of the same sort of advice.
There's nothing wrong with your advice.

Maybe think hard about how much money you’ve spend on this and what else you could do in the future if you drop this habit
like a trip to somewhere you really want to go to

Your post really resonates with me @asparagusffern
I've always been an over-shopper.

It's partly the dopamine hit of the new thing.

It's partly a lack of confidence that drives me to think if I just had that nice top, or those earrings, or that lipstick, I'd be more attractive.

It's partly a way of switching off. I'm not worried about other things when I'm in a shopping zone, scrolling Vinted or wandering around the shops.

I would be a far better person if I spent the time I spend shopping reading or exercising or talking to loved ones. I'd also be a lot richer!

I absolutely get it. I’m currently recovering at home from surgery and feel so low that all I want to do is spend money,

and the person who said “if I buy this, I will look more attractive, “be better” be better presented to the world”

that’s exactly how I feel. This top, this make up, this skincare will be it. The thing that makes me feel better / look better.

until the next time

i have been nodding along to all the replies, so many of your experiences that resonate with me.

it's always 'just this one thing and then I'll never need to buy anything again'!! How do I fall for that one every time!

interesting talking about hobbies. Fashion has always been my hobby, my dh and 2 ds are into cycling. This is at the forefront of my mind because we recently renewed our house insurance and had to itemise all bikes and value them. Safe to say, cycling is a way more expensive hobby than buying second hand cashmere jumpers. And yet dh doesn't think twice about it, certainly doesn't feel guilty so why should I?

it's so interesting how many of us have ADHD traits, I have been wondering about that for a while. I don't think I'd look into a diagnosis but it's interesting to be aware of it.

I have made some progress today.
Firstly, I need to keep a sense of perspective, it's not the crime of the century to have too many navy jumpers, but good to only have ones I LOVE.

Secondly, I'm going to go back to one considered purchase a month, that worked really well for me before, and I'd recommend it. It really makes you focus on whether you actually want/ need something or if you're just bored/ fed up. Im also going to try and do a 'one in, one out' to keep things under control.

Thirdly, I started a book!! Still Life, which has been beside my bed for months. I also have an audiobook on the go for walks (mostly to stop myself from listening to politics podcasts which leave me so depressed), but reading a physical book seems much more challenging. I left my phone outside the room and got through about 30 pages. I impressed myself!

I have a habits app on my phone, mine is Streaks but I'm sure there are lots. I put basics on there, reminders to take vitamins, drink more water etc. but it's useful for other things, I've added on 'read 1 page a day' good to make it an achievable goal.

Thanks to everyone who has replied here, it has been so interesting to read your experiences.

Like a few other posters I have ADHD and for me it’s the dopamine hit from buying clothes, luckily I also get the same hit out of selling clothes (on vinted). Another factor for me is I hate the way I look and I am constantly trying to find something that makes me look better. I have a lot of clothes (2 chest of drawers and a wardrobe), plus I rotate summer and winter clothes so my summer clothes is currently in storage. Shoes are a whole other issue, I buy shoes/trainers, wear them once, decide they are not comfortable and then I sell them on vinted (losing money). I don’t necessarily follow trends in social media but I do use Pinterest to find new styles.

Every year I decide that I’m going to go a year without buying clothes but I end up not sticking to it, despite having plenty to wear. I would like to spend less and have less.

I forgot to say in mine - another one with ADHD

my shopping habits when I was younger caused me real problems with debt.

I’m much better now because I think about the impact of any debt on my husband and children - but it makes the agony of wanting to buy even worse because I agonise over how much I want something and can I afford it.

I pack my out of season clothes away so then it kind of feels all new again when I get it out. I love looking at my existing clothes and sorting/organising them as much as buying new ones, they really do 'spark joy' as Marie Kondo would say. I think that might be the key, getting excited about what you already have. I have a wardrobe app for creating outfits and seeing everything. I love clothes and have loads but since I wear them all I don't feel guilty about it. If there's a clothes swap local to you those are great as well as by its very nature its 1 in 1 out.

Something which does work for me, is having a load of Pinterest boards and adding things I see online that I like.
This is for house stuff personally but no reason it shouldn't work for clothes. I do have one clothes board too.
It's a way of sorting of curating a collection of things which are my style and which I like, without having to physically own/buy them.
Sometimes I do go back and buy things later but it hits the spot in terms of that urge to acquire and make things 'mine'.

I made a post on this thread early on and I’ve enjoyed reading all the comments. I saw that @Floismegot a shout out for her contributions and I agree because I always enjoy reading her posts.
Ive found it really helpful to reflect on my wardrobe. Only about 25% of the physical space is filled with everyday clothes. Half the space is filled with things I love but don’t wear (mainly evening clothes bought pre pandemic ) and I’ve decided accept that. So while I have lots of clothes I don’t have lots to wear, so as long as I’m buying for that everyday category I should be ok. I’m going back to an item a month though.
I’ve also had a good think about my personal style and hopefully I can make sure any future purchases pass that test. Talking of which I would be interested in a bit of fashion chat on a specific topic. Carolyn Basset Kennedy as suggested by @HouseAshamedsounds like a good start to me. Sorry if I’ve spelt her name wrong.

I do this too, I have lots of things saved ‘clothes I would like to wear’…‘tattoos I would like’ etc…etc…, I rarely look through them. Luckily most the clothes I like on pintrest are only available in American or Canada so I can’t actually buy them, though I spend hours searching for similar items.

I also put things into baskets and wait a couple days, often I forget about them so I obviously don’t need them. If I don’t forget them then I obviously need them (or want them).

I kind of have...

I use a system (awful name but it's done me well, have been using it for about 2 years) where an outfit is proposed for every day from a limited range of items.
https://start.frumpfighters.com/lp---freebie-sign-up-page

I go through my wardrobe at change of seasons (am due to do this shortly) and pick one or at most 2 items that fit each category and put them in my drawers/wardrobe. The rest go in a huge Ikea bag (OK multiple bags) in the basement. If I get them back out and haven't missed them, I sell them. But having so many fewer items in my actual wardrobe means I wear what's there. And having pre-selected pairings of items for each day means I wear the less-favoured items more as well.

I am still on the lookout for a few items that I actually like but since the majority of them are from Vinted I don't really care. For example, there's a plaid overshirt as a top layer and I'm not a lumberjack nor do I live in the Pacific Northwest but I've been through a few variations of overshirts that I can wear with a vest/t-shirt and e.g. chinos, but haven't found the one I like best, yet.

I do have a fairly good idea of what suits me and what I like to wear, so I knew a leather jacket was no way going to ever be worn but a biker style ponte jacket has been a favourite, and I wouldn't have bought one or known how to style it without this.

(With regards to the "excitement void" I am not quite sure what I do to fill it, though I have started reading more, and if I'm sitting in front of the TV I try to knit rather than browse online, and I do sew as well as a PP).

I was looking forward to the style guide book review.
I have a few books on style and image, and many of them are dated. Some I'm tempted to donate because they aren't very good (IMO). Some are dated but I wouldn't give them away, and some are dated and depressing.
If I throw them, the turn of the millennium corporate look will come back with a vengeance.

@narniabusiness , Carolyn Bessette-Kennedy. i remember at the time thinking 'but her clothes are so plain, she's not conventionally pretty, but there is something special about her'. I didn't really understand the fuss about Jackie O , but you don't when you're a little kid.
I could easily see why Audrey Hepburn, Grace Kelly, and a few other were feted as style icons.

I should also say, for those who are told "you must have a trench coat" that the categories in the "system" I use are not "trench coat" or "leather jacket" but "white top" or "coloured cardigan" leaving plenty of room for personal interpretation.

@narniabusiness , thanks for starting the Page 2 | Carolyn Bessette-Kennedy a style icon? | Mumsnet thread.
(I'm feeling rather pleased with myself here)

This is an interesting thread.

I think there has definitely been a tipping point in my life from enjoying fashion, to needing to constantly shop. I’m actually happier when I clear some space in my wardrobe and can see what I have. And yet, I feel compelled to restock it.

I could happily not buy anything for 5 years and I would not run out of clothes even if many became unusable and thrown out.

I have clothes for any event ready to go. Realistically though, I wear jeans and a t shirt or jumper almost everyday. Why have I been eyeing up kilts and argyle jumpers? I put all my pleated skirts on Vinted last year, as I find them a difficult item to wear!

Anyway, there’s a lot wrapped up in perfectionism, self worth, a hit of dopamine, aging and staying relevant. I’m trying very hard this winter to undo bad (expensive) habits.

I want to enjoy what I do have and not crave the new. I do feel my shopping does border on addiction. I want to enjoy a purchase not immediately crave another!

TLDR

The joy of a good outfit was re wired into my brain as new purchase joy.

I need to change that!

I can really identify with the dopamine hit.
I went from being a size 24 emotional binge eater to a size 10 Vinted addict! I often scroll on Vinted at work when Im really stressed and buy things and I can see the similarities in the behaviours.
I suppose I should be grateful that I get the biggest dopamine hits from finding a £2 bargain rather then £200! (also TBH Vinted is actually cheaper then a take away habit these days!!LOL).

Gosh I could have written some of these posts word for word. I dread to think what I have spent on clothes, bags and shoes over the years but often "joke" that I could have paid off my mortgage if I had been a bit more frugal. I cringe at the amount of stuff I have given away to friends and charity shops that are beautiful items unworn or very lightly worn. Something will have caught my eye in a sale and I "had" to have it as was reduced but realistically was never something I would wear. If I liked a particular silk blouse, I automatically bought it in the 3 colours they had, without ever giving thought to whether those colours suited me.

I have got a lot better over the past few years and I do think a lot has coincided with me losing weight and feeling better about myself, I definitely buy more when I am unhappy with my weight as I think I am trying to make myself look better.

I am also very aware that I bought things but never wear them as tend to be in joggers and a nice blouse/jumper (for conf calls) but other than that it is joggers, hobby clothes and lounging gear, was buying things for the 10-20% of times I would go out out when I have hundreds of things to wear on those occasions.

Last year I just felt so overwhelmed by the amount of clothes/shoes/bags I had everywhere that I did a massive overhaul, bought a mannequin and a clothes rail and systematically listed items on Vinted. I have done quite well in getting rid of a lot of it - these were things that were too good for charity, couldn't bear to give away as had spent a lot of money on, but were just taking up space in my house unworn - I think I am about £2,800 in sales to date.

The last year or so I have generally only bought from Vinted or if new then only bought something if I really love it and to date have worn everything I have bought or have resold it on vinted.

I only have one wardrobe and one set of drawers with clothes in, plus a storage box in the loft with my summer gear.

I have still probably bought more than I should have in the last year or so but I am trending in the right direction of getting my spending under control and my clothes in reasonable order and making sure I only buy what I love and I actually wear.

Great post - this is me...

I thought the other day exactly that - I have enough clothes to last me for at least the next 5 years if not more and have something for literally any occasion.

It is an addiction isn't it...I have only realised that in the last few years.

I was sat at my laptop earlier, thinking ooh I wonder if Jigsaw have any new cashmere jumpers in since 2 weeks ago. I think I have at least 12 if not 14 perfectly good cashmere jumpers in my wardrobe and do not need another one!

The mannequin idea is really good. Where did you get it?

Amazon - I think it was about £50 but money well worth spending as shows the clothes off well. I seem to do well on Vinted and I think a lot of it is how I photograph the clothes. I make sure I iron my items then put the mannequin against a plain wall or better still outside on a sunny day in front of a nice plant and take lots of photographs - only thing it isn't good for is trousers as it is one of the ones that is a stand (one pole going down into a 4 way base) and then just a body from thigh up to about neck.