The psychology of (over) shopping and filling the void when you stop

[asparagusffern]

I have spent the weekend doing a massive clear out of clothes and shoes I don't wear, multiple black bags for the clothes bank. I haven't even gone near the attic yet. I am trying to unpick how I got here. I know I'm not alone, the whole fashion industry revolves around people like me.

The thing is, I have a very good sense of my own style, I know what I like and what suits me, and I have a de facto capsule wardrobe of good quality things I love that I wear week in, week out.

But despite that I find myself also buying things that I kind of like, but don't love, and don't have any occasion to wear. I'm trying to work out why, so I can stop doing it! I'm wondering is it all the articles I've read over the years telling me the 'wardrobe must haves' even though a leather jacket or a trench coat are not my style. I feel I need to have one of each, just in case the occasion arises, even though I know it won't. Is it the security of knowing that the 'essentials' are there if I need them, ticked off the list?

Another element is the inability to pass by a 'bargain' - but it's not a bargain if you're never going to wear it, is it? I am deleting Vestiare and Vinted as they are just fueling this. But then what to I do with those random hours I spend scrolling them looking for things I don't really want, and probably won't wear. I used to be someone who read 2/3 books a week, now I scroll endlessly until my eyes hurt. I have piles of books that I intend to read but never seem to have time for because my phone is screaming for my attention ALL THE TIME

I want to get out of this cycle and wonder if anyone else would like to join me? Some solidarity might keep us on the straight and narrow!

I've been struggling a little more lately. I joined a thread several years back and it really helped me stop random shopping and bringing home hauls that went to charity barely worn after a few years. I curtailed my clothes shopping (shoes and underwear are also now limited to one shop each) to one favourite shop and limited only to their 4 sales a year. It cut my expenditure massively, my wardrobe became more reasonable whilst still being fresh and still getting to have fun shopping. It gave me massive peace of mind as I simply didn't shop outside of these windows.

Then nearly a year ago I started selling on vinted, and so started browsing on vinted. It's the browsing I want to stop again. I'm not in a bad way. I don't have so many clothes that I have to swap over seasonally, I love it all and it all works well together and is interesting and fun. The dream! I'm there! But that pull still beckons.

As for buying for the life I have, I wear the good stuff everyday. I enjoy my clothes.

In case it’s helpful I’ll list what worked for me. I can see you’ve had some brilliant suggestions already.

1. massive clear out! It’s the only way I’m afraid. anything you’ve not worn for ages, the old ‘spark joy’ concept, etc. Totally empty your wardrobes and only rehang what you love to wear. Take it all to the charity shop and reframe the ‘loss’ of stuff as a gain of headspace and actual space.
2. you want your closets to look like a luxury store. So hang fewer items so you can see them all properly and they aren’t all crushed in. Nice hangers, colours nicely together, take pride in it even though only you see if. It makes reaching for clothes in the morning a more pleasurable experience.
3. A one in, on out policy. You never want to have to do the big clear out again.
4. A low buy commitment eg one thing a month - this has worked for you before so you know you can do it. It forces much more considered purchases.
5. Better quality items, no of-the-moment flim flam. Second hand is grand if it’s good quality - a wool and linen Max Mara blazer on Vinted not a polyester Zara one brand new.

And now a word of caution about my own bad habits, I’m far from perfect!

Vinted has skewed my shopping and I need to cut back. It means I’m buying things that are great individually but don’t always fit so well into outfits with what I have. Yes great quality, yes lovely on its own but it needs to work for me and with what’s already there.

Question: does anyone use an app like Stylebook? I’m tempted to give it a go just to remind myself to make full use of what I have and to put more considered outfits together.

Sorry for all the typos!!

Well done on your techniques to scale back @Nodecaffallowed .

I did think, though, when you said fashion was your hobby, that is a valid thing to acknowledge. It's great you have managed to scale back, but in terms of feeling guilty, I do think people whose hobbies involve items can be unduly hard on themselves (or people are hard on them) simply because the evidence is so tangible.

Think about how many people essentially have a pint at the pub as a hobby. If they had to stash the empty pint glass in their house, I'm sure they would feel guilty about what they had spent/drunk. It's just that with fashion, you end up living with the evidence; they pee their evidence into the loo, out of sight, out of mind.

I feel as though in a way you have simply replaced the dopamine hit of shopping with the dopamine hit of doing things to your house - which again kind of disguises the fallout of the dopamine hit from the spend by making it an "upgrade". No harm in that either, but I'm really just trying to say we all have hobbies but society is harder on some than others.

I’ve cut back considerably on my clothes spending and hoarding over the last few years. What has helped has been really defining my ‘style’ so I know what suits me and what I’ll actually wear. I’ve also stopped buying many versions of the same item, I think I was looking for the ‘perfect’ navy jumper, the ‘perfect’ white t shirt, so would just keep buying very similar clothes.

If you haven’t watched it, watch ‘Buy Now: the shopping conspiracy’ on Netflix. This made me think hard about the responsibility of owning things (not just clothes) and what happens to them when they’re disposed of.

Another tip from me on dopamine.

Interest = dopamine = interest (it should be a circle, going back to dopamine etc.)

The second interest in this equation is important, because its the link that reinforces and closes the feedback loop.

How can that item of clothing create more interest. Does it link to say 5 other outfits so I can create more interest without spending more. Can I make it different with different accessories each year. What interesting thing does is say about me now. Can I wear it differently in different contexts. How many events this year can I wear that to differently and so on.

You might have a different approach to your wardrobe where it's like a garden. You collect and plant flowers in the garden. What kind of flower is this in my garden? Is it an every year flower? Or a one off? Spend accordingly. And at some point am I thinking of redesigning the garden?

OP, I could have written your post myself! I keep telling myself that this is "the last thing" - I won't need any more clothes once I have this particular, perfect item that I'm about to buy. But clearly, that is a bare faced lie, and I need the next thing then, and the next. I've always loved fashion - the history, psychology, social meaning, etc. I also (and I am a bit ashamed to admit this) like being well dressed and admired by other people. I use clothes as armour in a way. If I dress like I belong, I feel like I deserve to be here, and people treat me better.

I don't smoke, drink alcohol, do drugs, eat sweets (not counting chocolate!), pursue adrenaline-fuelled sports, etc. Clothes are my main vice, and where I get my dopamine hits. I would really love to replace that by doing something else, but equally, I want to look great while I'm doing it!

Thank you for your comments. I was around 40 when I had my colours done and had started to feel invisible (no doubt not helped by the pandemic). Now I'll sometimes wear something in my colour and receive a number of compliments. Prior to this I think in a way I was perhaps afraid of being seen so would hide behind murkey colours that weren't bringing my colours out. It was somewhat strange at first but once I am wearing my colours it's not me that sees them, unless I'm looking in a mirror. It was quite gradual, over around five years. I'm not super obsessed about the right shade which you see on these House of Colour Facebook groups- no cultism!

I’ve found 5 listings on Vinted to work well. It’s manageable for me and it keeps the Vinted algorithm thinking I’m a regular user so my stuff gets bought quickly. I put it on my to do list so I don’t forget.

I’ve started putting my phone ‘away’ and reading a book (if the huge pile I’ve bought but not read) as my scrolling/buying was getting out of hand)

Haha, yes books is another thing - the shiny covers entice me so I buy them faster than I can read them. And very often go off the idea between purchase and reading, so they sit in a tower pile by my bedside 😳

I also admitted to myself a few years ago that Fashion is a hobby for me. I’ve loved clothes my whole life. Not everyone does and I think it’s ok for it to a hobby.

Things / habits that I have developed that have helped me to curtail overbuying.

I keep a list of everything I buy and the amount I’ve spent. I keep an annual tally of how much I’ve spent on clothes that year.
this is really interesting and is a great way of showing yourself what you’re really spending and what you tend to buy.
This year I’ve committed to a low buy year - I’m allowed a max of 12 new purchases, including shoes and accessories.
I’ve allowed myself an additional small number of Vinted / secondhand items. I broke down into categories the items that I “want” (e.g. another pair of jeans) and those that I “need” (e.g. underwear). So far I’ve bought less than I’d allowed myself per month.

I also use the Whering app which has been brilliant for creating outfits and helping me to see what I already own in wardrobe categories. I just upload each new item I bring in, it’s a very quick upload process.

Finally, I have always done fairly regular clear outs - I don’t like to hoard stuff I’m not using, so probably a couple of times per season I’ll take some things to charity. I’ll store items that are maybe not in fashion any more but I still love and good quality - as I’m now old enough to understand that these will come round again (!) and I’ll be able to get them back out eventually.

I sell regularly on Vinted (including kids outgrown clothes) and I use the money made to buy “new” things on there - so this means my overall spend on clothes has reduced dramatically the last couple of years.

I made a deal with myself a couple of months ago re vinted. I can only spend what I make on there. Last month I made £28 so ‘only’ had that to spend (I actually ended up spending it on stuff for the dgc rather than myself).
If something hasn’t sold I reduce it after a week and keep doing it until it’s sold or give it to charity.

I also keep a list of wants and if at the end of the month I still want it I can buy it. Not once in the last 3 months have I got to the end of the month and still wanted anything on that list.

I have savings goals so anything still in my accounts at the end of the month is one step closer to my goals. Would I rather have that dress or put that money towards a week in the sun?

If my brain says that I need something (this morning it was new trainers) I go and look at what I already have (I have trainers!). Do I need another black jumper or another pair of chinos when I already have some? No!

Re reading. I’ve been using the library app on my phone. My brain still thinks that I’m playing on my phone but I’m reading (a lot more than I was!).

I thought about why I feel that I need so much stuff and for me I think it’s because we didn’t have much growing up. Just because I can now afford to buy things doesn’t mean that I have to. I don’t need to hoard clothes. I get confused with needs and wants and I have found that I need to consider this. I’m not going without or missing out on anything, I just don’t want anything currently.

Im adhd and love shopping. It gives me a dopamine hit. I also love planning and researching so working out outfits and buying them is also interesting to me…but it’s all totally unnecessary. I think to stop the scrolling you need to physically hide your phone in the evenings and force yourself to do something else. But then I end up researching and shoppping for crafts I could do instead and before I know it I’ve spent another week scrolling and more £££ on something ill do for a few evenings and lost interest in. Look up female ADHD behaviours and see if you relate to any of them. The solution is probably medication…but the journey to it is long and involves a lot of admin, so I haven’t got there yet 😩

There's nothing wrong with that swap imo by the way. I mention it only because it's helpful sometimes to see how we tick - and to realise that the fashion thing isn't necessarily any more "shameful" than spending on your house or, as you say, baby kit. We all use spending to amuse ourselves, be it travel, eating out, theatre. You just end up with physical evidence!

I used to do this as a teen - mostly I guess because I didn't have the money which forced me to wait until birthdays etc. I had a running list, but actually did usually find when it came to Christmas, for example, I was still wanting it.

I would like to do that today, but do you not find things move through the shop shelves faster than they once did? I don't buy a lot of fast fashion or cheaply produced items so I do wonder how this is the case, but I definitely notice if I wait, often it's gone. I wonder if it's those programmes that monitor stock levels and demand. But even that doesn't give me a full understanding.

I can identify with everything you've stated on your post @asparagusffern. I've always been like this & love clothes. But i'm now starting to feel ill at all the conspicuous consumption. Especially all the hauls on Instagram. Just how many new items do they all need? I have lost 20 kg over the last couple of years so by necessity I have needed to buy new clothes. My old jeans are hanging off me. The hassle of selling clothes on eBay & getting peanuts puts me off buying more.
In the past I've bought multiple colours in say Free People thermals that I've barely worn & are currently ridiculously gigantic on.
I now use the Whering app religiously & it has really helped.
I also return purchases far more. I returned a tk Maxx Brodie leopard cashmere cardi as it was too itchy over the weekend. I try & buy certain items Preloved. Leather bags are often excellent buys this way.
I have items repaired now. Our local excellent tailor repairs cashmere & has stitched up the split seams & invisibly mended holes for the cost of a few pounds for each piece of knitwear.

Im also pretty certain I have ADHD. 3 of my children have it and are on meds. They're are major pros & cons of meds & they are not necessarily an answer to all of your prayers. Symptoms in females can be very different to men. In fact one of my dds symptoms was frequent shopping on vinted/depop & numerous parcels arriving all the time. On meds she almost completely stopped shopping.

I'm another that wants to read books instead of scrolling. I've joined a book club in the hope that will make me read more. It's not working too well so far because I read on my phone rather than my kindle & it's so easy to become distracted. Maybe I should actually buy a real life book. Plus I've also just started attending a course on bird watching .... as a new hobby. I'm hoping I will become passionate about it.

@Letmeoutodhere , I'm the same. I wake up to clutter, look at it thinking of tackling it, then get demoralised and depressed. I hardly leave the house.

Oh that's the ideal scenario!

I tend to find if I pause it's just out of stock fullstop! 😥