The psychology of (over) shopping and filling the void when you stop

[asparagusffern]

I have spent the weekend doing a massive clear out of clothes and shoes I don't wear, multiple black bags for the clothes bank. I haven't even gone near the attic yet. I am trying to unpick how I got here. I know I'm not alone, the whole fashion industry revolves around people like me.

The thing is, I have a very good sense of my own style, I know what I like and what suits me, and I have a de facto capsule wardrobe of good quality things I love that I wear week in, week out.

But despite that I find myself also buying things that I kind of like, but don't love, and don't have any occasion to wear. I'm trying to work out why, so I can stop doing it! I'm wondering is it all the articles I've read over the years telling me the 'wardrobe must haves' even though a leather jacket or a trench coat are not my style. I feel I need to have one of each, just in case the occasion arises, even though I know it won't. Is it the security of knowing that the 'essentials' are there if I need them, ticked off the list?

Another element is the inability to pass by a 'bargain' - but it's not a bargain if you're never going to wear it, is it? I am deleting Vestiare and Vinted as they are just fueling this. But then what to I do with those random hours I spend scrolling them looking for things I don't really want, and probably won't wear. I used to be someone who read 2/3 books a week, now I scroll endlessly until my eyes hurt. I have piles of books that I intend to read but never seem to have time for because my phone is screaming for my attention ALL THE TIME

I want to get out of this cycle and wonder if anyone else would like to join me? Some solidarity might keep us on the straight and narrow!

Set a timer. Do ten minutes and then another for time off (maybe twenty minutes off). Then repeat.

I would like to join you.

Your post really resonated with me.

Like others I have stopped the scrolling and purchasing of random things only to get seduced by a sale or an insta post.

Like others I don't wear much of my stuff.

I want to get into reading. Watching TV even and films. Stop the doom scrolling.

And also plan for the occasional considered purchase - that is not online! Have more of a currated wardobe.

I am starting the slow process of selling the best stuff on Vinted and pulling together charity shop bags.

It's the change over of the seasons which is as good a time as any!

I read Marie Kondo’s The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up about 8 years ago and it genuinely seems to have rewired my brain. I don’t mean the tv show or the summaries online about folding etc., I mean reading the whole book, and doing the whole process of going through everything I own.

I’m now much more selective about buying clothes, I have to love it to let it into my house. I don’t buy things just in case and I won’t buy things that don’t feel like me when I put them on. I feel I have permission to get rid of things that are uncomfortable, passed on from others, gifts, or things that make me sad for any reason. I also have permission to keep the things I love even if they’re not fashionable or I don’t wear them much right now.

I still scroll clothes sites for ideas, but I don’t buy much. My house is not tidy (small children) but my wardrobe is more under control and brings me joy.

@Nodecaffallowed and @PeonyBlush10 thank you for your kind comments!

@Nodecaffallowed I'd be up for a regular fashion book club thread, e.g. where we could choose a book, read it and discuss. I've seen similar threads on the books board. Or it needn't be a book all the time, it could be an exhibition or a movie with interesting costumes. I'd bow out though if it were held over Zoom.

I never apologise for loving clothes and enjoying fashion and I think it's possible to do so in a way that's sustainable and creative as opposed to consumerist. (Not that I'm immune to consumerism!).

OP - I could have written your post!!

I spend too much time and money on trying to have the perfect wardrobe. Selling things, buying new ones, constant scrolling.

in my case I know there are quite a few complex issues at play:

• trying to fill an emotional void;
• this is embarrassing, but feeling like I need to present myself in a certain way to the rest of the world;
• sometimes (and this is even more embarrassing) worrying that in the future I may not be able to afford nice clothes.

Vinted and online shopping in general have fuelled this. I also find it hard to find clothes that fit me (slim petite) so I feel like I am always on the hunt for things!

My new resolution is to avoid buying things online because I've ended up with so many things that are kind-of OK, but which I probably wouldn't have bought if I'd seen them in the shop. The last one was a waterproof jacket. I'd been wearing DH's! I bought a Regatta one which turned out to not look as great on me as it does on the model, but I kept it because it's marginally better than DH's, but I should have been patient and kept with the massive one until I could go into town and find something I loved.

Something else that made me think: last week on Radio 4 they said we have enough clothes in the world to clothe the next six generations!

So put your phone in the other room, OP, and pick up your stack of novels, patiently waiting to take you on a journey!

Only having access to half a wardrobe - share the other half with DH - means it's a bugger to buy any more clothes so have to operate a one in one out policy .

@Nodecaffallowed Libraries! They will order your Book Group book for £1 to pick up locally in about a week (well, mine will). Plus, the thrill of walking into my local library and finding what I want on the shelf and taking it home with no charge is even better than spending money on new stuff!

There must be so many of us OP. In my case I think it’s a self-esteem issue and buying something new makes me feel like I will look better or feel more confident (I never do). I am addicted to Vinted but find myself losing so much time on it and it is hit and miss.
I think I may have ADHD but am not diagnosed or anything so I don’t know if that also has anything to do with it!

Going back to Vinted, I held out against it for a long time because I had a feeling there would be more negatives than benefits. But one thing that's surprised me is that, so far, I've not been seriously tempted to buy. That's because the search facility is so good and it's constantly updating so I don't feel the same pressure that I feel on seeing something in a charity shop that I might not find again - with Vinted I know something else will come along, and probably very soon. But my god, I just can't stop looking! It's devouring my day and I really resent it. I'm going to give it another fortnight to see if I can get it under control and, if not, I'm deleting it.

@Floisme i have had the same experience re Vinted. Initially I made some silly purchases but now I can see that there is an endless stream of clothing so I have been pretty good at resisting “bargains” on it. I have been tempted to delete but I have had some great buys on Vinted.

@Wherethewildthingsfart Thanks for the advice, and I know you mean well, but it doesn't work for me.
It's not a bit on untidiness, it's decades of hoarding.

@Nodecaffallowed , thanks for the kind words. Sorry about the bolting builder.
Hope you get a swift end to the work.
I don't have any friends.

That's a bit too 'chatGPT'. I don't know who Zendaya is and I don't see the woman married to Prince William's estranged brother as a style icon. She wore ripped jeans FFS.

Princess Di wore some bad outfits for the first few years. I don't see Vicky Beckham as being stylish, but her company has a certain look.

It might be my age, but I would be up to discussing Carolyn Bessette Kennedy as a style icon.
I loved Carrie Bradshaw's batshit outfits.

I think we might have been at cross purposes @Nodecaffallowed - sorry if I wasn't clear.

I thought we were talking about a regular 'fashion club' thread on Style and Beauty where someone sets the ball rolling by posting along the lines of , 'Has anyone read..... / seen... / been to see....? What did you think?' And then anyone who's interested can chip in. Anyone can start a thread so there would be minimal setting up. .

This is an anonymous site and I wouldn't be interested in anything that compromised that, so for me, no meet-ups, cameras, phone numbers, emails or other identifying details. You might find others takers on Instagram though so good luck with it!

@Nodecaffallowed , no idea what you find so tone-lowering.
Like Floisme, I wouldn't wish to be identified.

Oops. I have just bought a pair of boots because they were 'too good to leave at that price'.

Apologies @HouseAshamed, I hadn’t picked up on either your user name or that you are unable to leave the house. I wouldn’t have suggested something like that if I had, thank you for being nice about it.