To be grey or not to be grey?

[Supersares]

So I’ve been thinking about stopping dying my hair to let it go grey naturally and would love to hear from anyone who has done the same. For context, I’m 49 with naturally dark brown shoulder length hair (currently dyed but with increasing greyer roots!).
My youngest is still in primary school so wouldn’t want to be mistaken for her gran and DH is 5 years younger than me so I’m concerned it would age me too much if I did ditch the dye…but I like the idea of saving money on hair dresser trips and potentially improving the condition of my hair too. Anyone else in a similar position?

I used to dye my hair a deep red shade but as I've aged it looks harsh so I've switched to a golden brown shade . It hides the greys but doesn't look harsh .

@turnips4u the only insults I tend to see are those stating that grey is wrong because it's aging - as if being your own age is something wrong and shameful

Once you start being rude to people they will be ruder back

For me, I've got dark blonde/mousey hair and when I did notice white/grey hairs at the sides at about 40, I was panicked as I thought I looked like a witch with them - they were long though!

I immediately went back to highlighting my hair. Even if I don't do that, I'll probably do a blonde all over dye like Gillian Taylforth (Kathy in Eastenders) appears to have.

I'd love to have the confidence to go completely grey but I just don't think I could do it. I recall ringing my DM in a panic and she told me "why do you think your nana (her DM) starting dyeing her hair blonde at a similar age then?!". DM has always been dark brown and looks good with salt and pepper hair now.

Once you start being rude to people they will be ruder back

I haven't been rude about grey hair at all. I think it looks great on many people. It would not suit me, but I can appreciate it suits others. But to tell people if they dont go grey they have no self worth which is what has been heavily implied in this thread is just silly garbage.

Also, I dont see a single person saying that grey is "wrong" on this thread. Just that grey hair is more associated with being older which is the truth.

I think you have to make decision as to whether you want to be bothered dying it into your sixties or whatever & then just try it to see if you like what comes through,there are so many different greys. I don’t think you can generalise about it being aging. I see women in their sixties plus who obviously still dye their hair & you can still tell they’re old, they don’t look younger, but it can be very draining as your skin tone alters along with your hair. You wonder if they still dye their pubic hair to be convincing 😂. As James Bond said, “ don’t mind what colour as long as the collar & cuffs match”
As to me, I began to go grey very young, as others did. In my twenties I was colouring it to hide the greys. I looked at my gran who had the most wonderful white hair, never remember her being anything else as she turned colour when young. Couldn’t look to my mum for inspiration as she died when I was very young. So mid twenties I thought blow it, crossed my fingers & hoped for my gran’s colour as I was sick of having a light parting every two weeks. I was lucky I suppose. By the time I reached thirty I was snow white. I’ve always worn it shoulder length & is shiny, not true that it can’t be.When I was younger people thought I bleached it. You do get compliments you don’t expect. So I say if you want to, try it, it might just be the best thing as far as not having to mess about with the trouble & expense of having it coloured whether at home or at the hairdresser.

Ooh I do hope so! (53 and fully grey).

You get the exact same women who go grey and become quite evangelical about it are similar to the curly girl crowd who think that if you have wavy and curly hair then that's the only way to be!

My hair has always been wavy/straight and as a young child I had curly hair up to the age of 3. I look good with curly hair, when I had perms as a teenager the hair stylists were always impressed with how natural it looked. My current hairdresser tongs or uses straighteners to make it curly if I ask her to do this, she loves doing this though!

But there's no way I want to faff around every day with the curly girl method and I quite like it straight/wavy so that's what I do.

Re younger women and grey, about a year ago, I got off a train and saw a younger commuter in front of me, could've only been about 19/20, but from behind her hair looked ageing, like an old woman's, which is fine if that's what she wanted (and it's obviously trendy) but I personally couldn't see myself with that hair style/colour.

That is what a few grey haired people do, speak down to the ones who do dye their hair and imply they have no self worth or are vain for dyeing their hair. So what?!

I went for a few years being my natural hair colour in my 20s, then also had copper red hair, highlights, lower highlights, very very blonde highlights (arctic blonde they called it), but it's my hair and I know what I like.

I'm 30 with dark brown shoulder length hair and going grey. I have grey highlights basically, look a bit like a badger. I have two young kids and a third on the way and my DH is the same age as me but not going grey yet. Don't really care about it tbh I can't be bothered to invest time in dying it.

That is what a few grey haired people do, speak down to the ones who do dye their hair and imply they have no self worth or are vain for dyeing their hair. So what?!

Quite. I would also argue that those with genuine rock solid self worth dont need to brag about having it online or go putting others down as a result. To me, that indicates the opposite of self worth. Regardless of hair colour

I'm pretty grey in my early 40s. What I will say is, it's not a case of should I go grey or not, it's 'what's the alternative?'. As a very dark brunette, retaining anything like your natural hair colour will start to look dreadful. I think blondes and redheads have a better shot of retaining and/or greying in a gentler way. Brown hair dye is, imo, not a nice or convincing look over grey and white hair.

Precisely, this is my second attempt at embracing the grey, and tbh even though I dont think Ill go dark again, I will probably end up getting something done to it to give it a more even tone - very salt and pepper right now at the back and where the ginger has gone completely from the front - very white

Thing is its my choice, my hair, me Im talking about. Im not encouraging anyone else to do it. Its a very personal thing, our hair is our crowning glory after all. I dont really care about it ageing me, I am ageing. Actually my teeth are by far the most ageing thing about me - bloody awful but I dont have the money or gums to get them sorted so as long as I keep my mouth shut Im still pretty presentable :)

As for a full face of slap and bright red lippy - never in a million years would that do a dam thing for me but I do think a good cut and tamed eyebrows ( mine in their natural state look like Dennis Healey's in a wind tunnel ) do a lot for me, lifts my face in a way , stops me looking like its all caving in and heading south

The problem for me is my grey hair seems to be coming through as quite course and kinky. It's like a whole different hair personality and doesn't feel like me. It's not going to be a great look as an all over head colour/texture but as I go more grey and have more to cover I'm not sure if dye and style will conquer it!

Are we doing this thread again already - the last one was only a few days ago!?

I think that it's helpful when women post photos of their grey hair. They aren't saying 'look at me, now you must go grey'. It's more a case of 'see how it can look'. It might be reassuring to some women who are wavering. On the other hand, they might think 'nope, not for me' and that's fair enough. You don't have to like it, but equally you don't have to be rude about it.

I think that it's helpful when women post photos of their grey hair. They aren't saying 'look at me, now you must go grey'. It's more a case of 'see how it can look'.

I agree. I enjoy seeing different hair styles with different colours, its interesting.

That said, I dont think its a coincidence that the people posting their grey hair all have shiny hair which is luckily, one, uniform colour.

My grey hair isnt like that at all- my grey hairs are wiry AF- all different shades, coarse, and stick up at weird angles, and won't lay flat or reflect the light at all. Therefore, I couldn't achieve that look even if I wanted to. To get it, I'd have to put some kind of silver tint or rinse on it which defeats the entire point as if I'm having to tint it anyway, I may as well just keep dying it lol.

So, yeah, unfortunately people's results will vary greatly. Hence I'll keep dying mine.

oh yes, the curly girl crew! They're also enthusiastic.

Curly Girl hair can look very nice, but it can also verge on the Shirley Temple on some people I quite like the old school 'big and wild brushed out curls' Stevie Nicks stylee. The anti CG.

I agree. I think it is very ageing. I don't attach any value to that nor do I equate it with a different level of beauty, but I've never met anyone who has let their hair grow out who didn't look aged by it. I'm saying that as someone whonis considering growing out my hair at 41. My hair has huge chunks of white and I'm absolutely sick of dyeing it. When my roots grow out I look so haggard and stressed. No, I'm not imagining it. My face looks so much brighter and fresher when my hair is coloured. As long as everyone is happy with their own hair choices then who cares? Personally, I think it's ageing and I'm not ready to look a decade older than I am. Good on anyone who enjoys going with the greys.

@RichardsGear does it matter if it’s the same pictures? It’s like any thread that is a regular occurrence. I agree it’s an individual thing though and the only way to know is to do it yourself.

@turnips4u @ScubaDivingSpiderMonkey @CinnamonJellyBeans I think the ‘evangelical’ attitude comes from often being told we’re automatically going to look old and shit in this sort of thread. I couldn’t give a feck whether people dye their hair - you do you! I’ve never been evangelical about it. I post, regularly, on these threads to add my experience to help the OP and other posters. Like anything it’s individual and YMMV.

No, I’m in Sweden and I had it done locally. She confirmed what I already suspected anyway, so I agree with PP that you can do it yourself. My main characteristic is very low contrast which I always knew, I don’t need an invisibility cloak to just melt away into the background. It’s done with various colours against your face without makeup.

I think it is very ageing. I don't attach any value to that nor do I equate it with a different level of beauty, but I've never met anyone who has let their hair grow out who didn't look aged by it

I agree with this too I'm afraid. It always looks ageing to me. Nothing wrong with looking older or your age at all but yes, people are fooling themselves if they think grey hair makes them look younger. Literally noone associates grey hair with youth, it has always been a visual indicator of someone who is older.

No, of course it doesn't matter - just an observation. I do feel a bit sorry for the ones who put a photo on and don't get the whole, "Ooooh it looks lovely!" in response. They're usually never seen again. Thinking about it though, what use is a photo of someone else with grey hair? Yeah it might look fine on that particular person but it doesn't follow that it'll suit the OP.

I've been thinking about this since I posted and came back to add that I think the issue is that many people associate "looking good" or "taking care of oneself" with adding colour to one's body. So - this idea that if you have grey hair you should wear bright lipstick, or the implication in the post I quoted before that self care includes colourful nails.

I do care for my appearance - I am clean, reasonably well groomed, I do look after my skin even though I don't use lots of expensive potions and lotions. I may not spend a lot on my clothes, but I think about what styles flatter my figure and what colours suit my complexion (and hair).

There is a really deep-rooted expectation that women must physically add colour to their bodies - hair dye, nail polish, make-up. Women are expected to be ornamental and decorative in a way that men simply are not. If you want to test this - try looking at photos of men - in a professional or leisure setting, and imagine them with make-up and colourful nails.

Some women are prepared, or happy, to conform to those expectations, and some of us prefer to look good in a less socially expected ornamental and artificially coloured way!

For what it's worth, I stopped dying my hair when I moved to a house where the bath and shower layout made it more of a hassle. My only regrets are that I didn't do it sooner, and that I didn't just go for a buzz cut at the start instead of going through the grotty growing out process.

Thinking about it though, what use is a photo of someone else with grey hair? Yeah it might look fine on that particular person but it doesn't follow that it'll suit the OP.

Sure hairdressers use photos of hairstyles and colours to help people make a decision. They are all 'someone else' - models in fact, that most of us could never hope to look like. I realise it's a long wait to find out if your grey hair is something you can live with, but at least seeing photos of women who look good with grey hair might make it seem worth a try.

I realised most of my grey was round the hairline. Had a fringe cut in and there's now so much less grey around my face it makes such a difference.