Self care, self worth - scruffy women on manoeuvres!

[Libelula21]

Following on grin the conversation on the thread about ‘the secret’

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4873152-anyone-else-never-told-the-secret?page=3&reply=128454481

here’s a thread about getting ourselves together, getting [a bit of] a glow on, and learning the grooming habits we were never taught and never learned.

Well-groomed women, you are welcome to drop in and share your secrets too! :-)

I need this. My tip though is to always have brows and nails done, it makes me look somewhat finished.

I've made big changes over the last 3 years or so. I started by getting a friend to recommend a hairdresser, I always just used to trim it myself. She booked.me in with her hairdresser and it made such a difference. At first I promised myself I'd make sure my hair was 'done' each day for work. It was just a bob cut, but I used straighteners when needed and got lots on compliments on the change.
From there I started doing my nail varnish, just cheap Rimmel varnish, not shellac or anything. Used the time it took to do it as 'my time' with something I enjoyed on the TV.
Next I revamped my make up bag, bought the basics (getting a decent foundation was hot and miss til I got the lady on No7 counter in Boots to pick one for me!) and watched some YouTube tutorials. I now have two looks I can do well, simple daytime, and smokey eye night time, I think that's all I'll ever need.
Lastly, I started getting my brows shaped every few months, like a decent hair cut, this made more difference than I expected it would .

Each change took a while to get used to doing, and now it's all part of my daily routine. I feel massively more confident about myself now, feel much more 'put together' and feel less inferior around other women .

I can look fab when I make the effort for a proper night out or something (if I do say so myself haha!) but day to day with kids and work and housework I never get time to get sorted.

I always look so much better if I shower the night before then in the morning take 10 minutes to straighten my fringe and put on tinted moisturiser, blusher and mascara.

Annoyingly I look at my phone too much in the evening, can't be arsed to shower, so use my time in the morning to shower. Hair dries crazy and no make-up! Or worse no shower so a grubby version of that!

So my tip is to allow yourself time! You can't expect to do all the little tweaks required each day without factoring time in for it.

Unfortunately I don't take my own advice and am always a frizzy rushing shouty mess getting out the door 6 days out of 7!

My main priority first is to lose weight. I’m 14’ 8”, (though I’m sure I don’t look it?!?)

Diet and exercise improve figure, skin, and hair, and what clothes you can buy / wear / look good in, do for me that’s the first step.

But that will take time, so lots else I can do along the way.

I do agree nicely shaped eyebrows are important. It’s a detail but I think it has a subconscious effect on people. We

Hopping over from the other thread 👋

I can’t really prioritise clothes at the moment as I’m pregnant with DC3 so staring down the barrel of another 6 months in maternity/ill-fitting clothes and then probably a year+ of breastfeeding (although I’m not sure I’ll do it for as long this time, it does knock my confidence appearance-wise and I just can’t feel put together in a feeding top and maternity jeans and the hormones really do play havoc with me).

So I might try to focus on skincare and hair. Need to actually book a hair cut… step 1!

I am quite scruffy and not into makeup or nails. But I have very good skin thanks to using Tret, after terrible acne in my twenties and thirties. I am 51 now and I think I look better skin wise than I did 20 years ago.

I'd love to join in. I have 'lost' myself over the last few years and working on getting me back. Had a big hair cut recently which I love (though I'm still learning how to care for my curls and will get some highlights to go with it next time around). Thanks to some S&B advice got a new basic skincare routine and makeup kit that I use sporadically. I'm joining to listen to tips here and inspiration to keep things up. A signature scent is my next mission.

As my username suggests, I am ready for a fresh start.
I can look well groomed - my hair is done every 3 months, I get my nails and lashes done every 3 weeks, my skin is good etc. it's just the body that is a total let down. I'm the highest weight I've ever been and bordering obese, and because I'm not happy with my weight I don't invest in nice clothes so I tend to look a bit frumpy. I do make sure all my clothes are ironed though.

Things that have helped me:

cutting out my evening glass of wine = more sleep (I’m very sensitive to alcohol though). I only have one glass a week now.

colour analysis and body shape analysis - sounds more than it is. Just did some research about which colours and clothing shapes flatter my most.

hair trim every 8 weeks

throwing away / recycling tatty clothes instead of trying to keep wearing them.

nails short and cuticles pushed back

brows groomed

skin treated with dermatica cream for sim damage, and a non greasy factor 50 primer each morning

Lifelong scruff here, I think I’m on the way out of it but still need tips. I have learned that time is key, I waste hours on nothing then try and squeeze all the necessary stuff into a tiny corner. But I have more time now, with no job and no actual children at home, so I’m starting to understand that if I’m going out at 9, I need to be up by 7. I understand that a shower doesn’t take 5 minutes, more like 45 if I need to condition my hair, moisturise my skin and get properly dry. I make my bed and choose my clothes before I shower, so they are ready. I have spent a lot of time sorting my clothes out.I had so many , most had issues, too big, too small, old, stained, wrong colour, made me feel like a tit, inappropriate, dirty, wrinkled, lost. It took a lot of work,and it is ongoing, but my drawers are organised now. My t shirts are light to dark left to right and sleeveless to long sleeved front to back. They are folded and visible. I can see at a glance what I have. I now know I need a brighter tshirt to go with a skirt I love, but don’t wear much.so I’m looking for one. It isn’t perfect, but it is better, and because I know what I have, I don’t waste money buying more of the same shit that already looks terrible( that’s to the enormous floral dresses I’ve got rid of) .

I have huge feet and some mobility issues. I have loads of shoes that don’t fit, loads that are ugly, and loads that don’t work with my lifestyle, I will get rid of them. But I also have some Birkenstocks, a pair of Blundstones for dog walking , finally some comfortable trainers and a some classic ankle boots. I know exactly what I’m going to buy next and it is such a relief to feel I’m not going to have to store 30 pairs of mainly unusable shoes anymore.
I think a lot of this is about neuro diversity and low self esteem, but there are actually manouvres that can help us.

Great idea for a thread thank you @Libelula21

some things I am going to try, or resume, after reading that thread:

1. keeping my moisturiser, face wipes, nail file, etc in my work from home office drawer.
2. drinking more water
3. actually styling my hair rather than just air drying it and then wearing it in a bun because it’s uncontrollable.

i’m doing a whole 30 at the moment, and it really does make me feel so much healthier generally, I’m on day 11 and I’m starting to feel much more energised.
I’m going on HRT soon which I also hope will help.
part of my lack of grooming is that I’m just too bloody tired and I can’t be bothered, so a bit of fire in my belly will really help.

Also 👋 hi @Zebracat from our diet chat thread!

Following for advice. Everything people said on the other thread really resonated with me, I am starting a new job in September and I would like to be less of a total mess all the time. I have lost some weight recently which I thought would help, but pregnancies have left me with daistasis recti and c-section stomach, so whereas I was big all over, now I am less big with a huge bulging stomach and look 6 months pregnant, people keep asking when I'm due, which is not helping my confidence. I wear my hair up but there is a sort of halo of frizz around me from a short time later no matter what products I try.

I can really relate to looking at other girls at schools, later other women around me,and wondering how they manage it. I do devote as much time as I can but I don't think it's just that, some of my cousins and sister who I know do far less never look like me!

I try to do as much in advance as possible.

Very short hair - so it’s always ‘done’.
Powder brows, so they’re ok.
BIAB gel nails.

I’m working on the wardrobe now. It’s a huge mishmash of styles, most of which don’t suit me. I’m trying to go a bit more ‘capsule’.

Hello my people I am the OP from initial "the secret" thread, thank you very much to @Libelula21 for starting this thread where we will actually be receiving the secret information we all crave and seemed to miss out on growing up.

My 2 cents worth are that my frizzy hair is better when I avoid shampoos with sulphates and conditioners with silicones. I really recommend the Garnier Hair Food masks in the big tubs which you can use to co-wash, as a deep conditioner and as a leave in conditioner they make it for all different hair types and I use the coconut one. My hair only shines when it is curly but it is a lot of work to keep curly hair looking not a total mess and that is something I am still working on.

For skin I recommend these little mitts called Italy Towels which can be bought on eBay and amazon, I think they are from Korea. They make your skin really smooth and then use any body moisturiser you like on top.

I don't sweat so much from my body but I think I have hyperhidrosis of the head and face (hard to treat apparently) and I can't really apply anti-perspirant to my scalp. I once met a person I work with on the bus after I had been in town, my head was soaked although it was dry and they asked me if I'd been swimming and I lied and said yes I was so embarrassed about it. Anyway apparently a Botox facial can help with this which I didn't know about until today. It is just where they put little pricks of botox just into the skin rather than into the muscles and they do it all over in tiny pricks, not sure if it works but I might try it next summer to see if it helps. Other people online suggesting topical argireline might help too, I will try that.

Bepanthen will sort out dry flaky lips over night.

Thats all I have for now but hopefully this will build into a great repository of "secrets" we have hither to been denied! 🔮🪄💆🏻‍♀️💅

@Bloatstoat do you have curly hair?

When I tie mine back I get halo frizz which makes me look un-styled. I've now cut my hair shorter and don't wear it tied back. I get more frizz in general, but it looks intentional so I look more styled if that makes sense. I guess just being confident with what you have looks better than trying to hide it.

But if you want to loose the halo frizz. I thoroughly recommend a little Cantu custard on damp hair and a spray of their next day. It flattens my halo frizz down but dries shiny.

Can I ask what factor 50 you use? I am forever looking for 'the perfect' spf, but they all seem very greasy on my skin - and I have pretty dry skin to begin with!

Thanks @Hoolahoophop I haven't tried that so will give it a go. I don't have curly hair, my mum and sister do, but mine is more wavy, it doesn't curl but certainly isn't straight without straightening and a lot product, it's a weird texture and I find tying it back is better but then I get these bits escaping!

@twilightcloud Not directed at my but I use ambre solaire sensitive advanced SPF 50, it has excellent protection from UVB and UVA. I buy it in a large 200ml tube because I like to use a good amount (most people skimp on spf and don't use enough to get proper protection). It is greasy when applied but I find it dries down ok and doesn't leave a white cast. I use this day to day but am looking into a good spf with a more refined formulation that I could wear under make up, apparently some of the Korean or Japanese ones are good but they tend to be expensive for a small tube if I only used them I've be buying a new tube every 2 weeks!

@bollytrolly if you use those Korean cloths in the shower with a cheap moisturiser instead of shower gel your skin will be really soft all over.

Checking in. I'm still reading the previous thread, but I am definitely a scruff bag and I want to hit 50 (next year) feeling like I'm somewhat fabulous.

I also find the Garnier Banana Hair Food very useful for frizzy menopausal hair, but lots of posters on MN find the smell offputting. I don't myself. Cheap enough that you can bin it if you don't like it.

I have also lost just over a stone in the last few months and that has done more than anything to make me feel good.

And thank you to @bollytrolly for getting us thinking about this!

To be honest it might be less about secrets and tips and more about attitude / inherent assumptions.

Do groomed people have tidy houses as well, I wonder?? Is your environment an extension of your self-presentation,

@EezyOozy I’d be interested in knowing where you got your colours and body shape analysis done.

Not working today, and so managed 21,400 steps, in light make up and with painted toenails!

@twilightcloud I use biore watery essence

I feel like outfits are also an important part of it. I get a lot of compliments about how nice/stylish/put together I look and I really think my outfits are the main reason. Nothing too out there but everything is classic style, natural fibres, and fits me well. I wear a lot of dresses but avoid ones that are often frumpy (the notorious floral midi). I also get a lot of wear out of (and compliments on) the tailored shorts that are so popular right now.

These days just putting effort into dressing is not as common as it used to be so I feel like people notice when you do.