Awkward funeral dress code

[Franjolele]

I need help working out what to wear to a funeral this week. I've been told "not funeral black" but when I've asked what people are actually wearing, they are wearing something like black trousers and top / bright jacket, or black skirt / bright top / black jacket.
This feels very awkward to me:

1. I am autistic and find a lot of formal clothes uncomfortable, so I was going to just wear a simple black dress
2. I don't have a lot of formal wear and can't afford to buy anything new just for one occasion
3. I know this might be awkward of me, but think that black clothes + one bright item looks awful and dated!
4. My relationship with the person who has set the dress code is not comfortable and this "not all black, but some black" requirement is making me feel like it's a test which I might easily fail (see above re autism and finding social occasions awkward and testing)

This is giving me a lot of anxiety so please be kind! Would the black dress with bright coloured tights underneath and a bright bag work do you think? I thought one answer might be a bright scarf but I find scarves fussy and irritating to wear. Thank you if anyone has any ideas.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I'd wear the dress but with a brighter cardigan or coat. I personally wouldn't wear bright tights, that feels very 'dress up' to me. A bright bag is also a good idea as you suggest.

I can understand there are complexities for your situation but I doubt it's a test to trip you up. Id imagine that most people will be there to remember the person and won't notice clothes.

It sounds like the dress code is bright colours. So I’d have thought bright tights/scarf/necklace/bag - really anything that brings some colour but still makes you comfortable- with your black dress would be fine. Sorry you see it as a “test” but understand these are difficult circumstances and I think you “pass” with the above.

Bright coat or cardigan would be fine.

Thank you, I don't have a bright cardigan but that sounds a possibility. Maybe I can borrow one. Would a cardigan be smart enough if everyone is wearing jackets? We'll be going back for a get together afterwards so if I wear a colourful coat I'd then be in all black after the funeral so maybe not that.

I agree it's not designed as a test specifically to trip me up, but I do think the person will be mentally checking people have adhered to instructions and will be judging! My suggestion that I might wear black anyway, as it's simplest, was already met with disapproval...

Wearing a black dress to a funeral is a fine thing to do, and personally I wouldn't pair it with bright colours because that's not me. It's ok to just go and grieve in the clothes that you feel comfortable wearing.

Thanks Barbara, if it was bright colours I'd be fine with that - I've got bright dresses I could wear or some mixed colour trousers. But the person who told me about this dress code is wearing mostly black with one bright item, and the other person I asked is doing this same. It feels quite easy to get it 'wrong' - don't wear all black, but do wear some black.

But you see, it's ok if that person "mentally checks" and judges, poeple judge all the time. They can judge and you can wear what you're comfortable with.

Dudsville, thank you, I understand what you're saying. It's confusing because the person said to me it was fine to wear whatever people were comfortable in... then sounded unhappy when I said I would probably be most comfortable in just a black dress. It's a rather complicated situation unfortunately.

You're right, but I've had a lifetime of this and it will make me feel uncomfortable. I agree I should learn not to care, but this rather charged event is probably not the ideal place for me to start.

Your dress is fine as a pp said its up to you what you wear I think the dress code is optional if you have a non black jacket ot cardigan certainly wear it but don't stress yourself.

I think black dress and jacket with bright tights and bag sounds absolutely fine and in keeping with what's been requested.

Black cardigan with the bright dress or mixed coloured trousers? Or borrow a bright cardigan as you mentioned.
If you own coloured tights already and they are something you regularly wear then that would be fine too. Don’t go out and buy any if you don’t own them already - the coloured cardigan would be a more usual choice.

Do you have a colourful handbag you could take then you are not all black ?

I honestly cannot remember the funeral outfits of the people at my close loved ones' funerals. Don't overthink it (and who cares if it looks "dated"? Isn't that the definition of funeral fashion?).

Black dress and cardigan/jacket sounds fine.

Thank you everyone, I know I'm getting a bit fixated on this one aspect but it is a bit stressful. Overthinking it is what I do!

Wear your black dress and just tie a colourful scarf to your handbag, so you’re not getting bothered by actually wearing a scarf, but still have a flash of colour. FWIW, I couldn’t even begin to remember what people wore to my dad’s funeral - we did say not black, but I know lots of people did wear black. I was so pleased to see so many of his friends there - they could have been wearing anything!

How about your black dress with some bright (but tasteful!) costume jewellery - necklace, earrings if you wear them and bracelet with matching coloured bag. I personally wouldn’t feel comfortable with coloured tights and a black dress. You could wear a light coloured coat (open to show the black dress) and then you would have the colourful jewellery when you remove the coat.

I have total sympathy, I hate it when people have requests like not all black to funerals, it just makes everything harder. The last funeral I went to was like that, I ended up feeling uncomfortable in navy blue when I had a very respectable comfy black dress that I would have prefered to wear. Then lots of people turned up in black anyway and it really didn't matter. Just go for a bright bag, you're a nice person trying your best.

If wearing a black dress you could add any of the following in brighter colour, belt, scarf, shoes, jacket, cardigan.

You could just wear a colour like purple which can tone in well with black.

Wear a small pattern with black in it. So black dress with small green spots, for example or patterned blouse with black skirt.

If it helps, dress code for my mums funeral was "wear colour, you don't need to wear black"
Some people came in black, some in suits, some in bright colours, it was a real mix and I didn't really care, was just happy they were there

I honestly wouldn’t care what another person wore to a funeral. Is there any chance people won’t be bothered by what you wear, surely you just want those attending to be comfortable in the sad circumstances?

Ok, but being uncomfortable isn't the end of the world either, have a google of "distress tolerance" if you'd like to learn to feel better about being you.

In my experience whatever the dress code people tend to look as if they are attending a funeral. I once took the ‘wear bright colours’ seriously and everyone else wore black. The last funeral I wore a grey dress and a black coat with a bright scarf. Only four people actually wore as directed ‘red or yellow’. No one will really care what you wear. They will just be grateful to you for turning up to support them.

I wish this was true but unfortunately experience has taught me this one person will care and that it will possibly be commented on, at a time when I will be feeling very vulnerable anyway.

Tansy, your comment "you're a nice person trying your best" has made me a bit tearful. Thank you. This and other comments has made me realise the clothes is just the tip of the iceberg and I am actually feeling very stressed about the whole event and not fitting in / being acceptable.

I am going to try to address the whole situation in my mind so I'm not so susceptible to it all, and try not to worry about what I am wearing.

Thanks everyone, it was very interesting and helpful to have your opinions on this.

Thank you, I will give this a look!