Awkward funeral dress code

[Franjolele]

I need help working out what to wear to a funeral this week. I've been told "not funeral black" but when I've asked what people are actually wearing, they are wearing something like black trousers and top / bright jacket, or black skirt / bright top / black jacket.
This feels very awkward to me:

1. I am autistic and find a lot of formal clothes uncomfortable, so I was going to just wear a simple black dress
2. I don't have a lot of formal wear and can't afford to buy anything new just for one occasion
3. I know this might be awkward of me, but think that black clothes + one bright item looks awful and dated!
4. My relationship with the person who has set the dress code is not comfortable and this "not all black, but some black" requirement is making me feel like it's a test which I might easily fail (see above re autism and finding social occasions awkward and testing)

This is giving me a lot of anxiety so please be kind! Would the black dress with bright coloured tights underneath and a bright bag work do you think? I thought one answer might be a bright scarf but I find scarves fussy and irritating to wear. Thank you if anyone has any ideas.

Autism is well known for being a suck in your feelings and embrace the discomfort features. Helpful. 😏

I'm almost 70, been to many many funerals - but never to one where there was a dress code

I'm even older and have never been to a funeral with a dress code either. Nor weddings.

I can imagine a request for bright colours for a child's funeral, but otherwise it's an imposition when people don't need any additional worry.

OP, you have a number of options. Just don't worry about being dated. That's not what it's about.

I have had this experience as well. I wore a middling kind of dress (colours, but muted) and had a bright and a dark cardigan on standby. Was pleased I did as the dark one was most definitely more suitable.

That sounds so stressful,

If you went and bought a bright cheery scarf - and took a bag it would fit in you - could take if off if it 'felt wrong' once you were there IYSWIM

I was hoping once I'd got the outfit settled in my mind I could let go of the anxiety, but I realise now that worrying about the outfit is just a symptom of the whole bigger problem.

I'm sorry. I hope you get through it without too much distress.

I would wear something black and light. That'll blend in 😀

"Would the black dress with bright coloured tights underneath and a bright bag work do you think?"

Absolutely, @Franjolele I think you've come up with the perfect compromise. It sounds suitable and comfortable. The person requesting the dress code is obviously very stressed themselves and trying to get everything just right to suit the memory of the deceased - you will fit in perfectly with both their wishes and the occasion.

You’ve had some helpful tips OP. Your black dress with a light/bright coloured cardigan or jacket or a bright statement necklace would be just fine.If this person mentions your outfit you could always just walk away and ignore the comments. Don’t let them enter your head.
My lovely sister loved sparkly jewellery and that was the request put out for her funeral last year. I wore a black Tuxedo jacket and trousers with the biggest sparkly broach I could find in a charity shop. (I don’t really wear dresses)

Fellow ASD here and I also obsess about funeral clothing.

I find this instruction really odd. Did it come from the actual funeral organizer? As in the closest person to the deceased? If not, I might ignore and just wear a plain black dress.

it’s really common these days for people to say not all black as in, it’s not one of those funerals where everyone needs to be in all black and it looks like a funeral from a movie. So there will be a variety of attire, but a simple black dress is perfectly acceptable.

if the edict is indeed black with something bright, I would get a bright, somewhat bold necklace. It’s subtle but meets the rule. If I felt uncomfortable with the brightness, I could slip it off and my outfit would still be whole.

Hi Op, I don't really think this has anything to do with your autism and everything to do with the person who has made the request always acting disappointed or disapproving of you. Take a bit of time to reflect on often this person has made you feel bad? You need to work on not caring so much about what they think about you. Going to funeral is about your relationship to the decease, you going to say goodbye and pay your respects. It is not about meeting expectations by wearing the right outfit. I would never judge someone for wearing anything at a funeral I would be far more concerned with how they were feeling. This person that seems to have all this power over you and is totally unreasonable. You should stop trying to please them and do what makes you feel comfortable. Do they know you are autistic? This makes them even more of a twat innmy opinion. Can I ask if this person is your parent?

Agreed!

If I can give some context as to why they might have sounded unhappy, it was one of DMIL’s last wishes that people wore bright colours to her funeral. Her siblings, who were not close to her and treated her as “silly” her entire life, decided her last wish was also “silly” and that they were going to ignore her silliness and dress in black (they also contacted every other guest they knew and told them not to humour DMILs “silliness” either, which I realise you are not planning to do).

The family member may feel that, by wearing black, you might be either not honouring or deliberately flouting the deceased person’s last wishes. It’s clear from your post here that that isn’t the case, but grief can sometimes make people feel very strongly about carrying out last wishes etc.

Hey OP, I’m also autistic. The lack of clear rules around the funeral attire would send my head spinning too!

I really like @Ponderingwindow’s suggestion re a bright necklace. Or a bright cardigan maybe. Something you can take off if needed.

My fear would be that when I got there everyone else would be in more muted colours and I’d feel odd/disrespectful wearing something bright! And then I’d feel even more out of place and awkward than usual!! 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Sounds like a complicated situation with complex emotions. Hope you are ok.

My husband has many siblings. When sil died her husband asked that people didn't wear black. He still intended that they should be smart. Another sil ,who is autistic, turned up in climbing gear ( tight lycra top and trousers and climbing shoes. Thankfully she left the ropes and hard hat at home). We met at the widowers house. Everyone kept saying 'Oh Pauline, do you want to pop upstairs to change, there's plenty of time'. Nope she had taken the ' please don't wear black to the very enth degree. She thought it was a perfectly reasonable interpretation of no black.

Wear the black dress you have planned with a red scarf - can probably be purchased cheaply. Then you tick all boxes.

Leaving the context aside, I would interpret the dress code as "dress respectably, not all black" and I'd go with nice office wear in muted colours. Navy, grey, dark purple (a mourning colour), beige are all good for this. I'd probably end up in a coloured dress, black tights and shoes and a dark coat. Would you have anything in your wardrobe like that

However, looking at the context, it sounds like a family member knows of your autism and tends to lay traps and judge you. This person is the lowest of the low, and you should know you have the high ground here.

Absolutely agree @JenniferBarkley re traps. I like deep maroon as a striking funeral.colour, it goes well with black, is a classic, can be considered vivid but also sombre. Good luck OP.

Could you wear a bright coloured necklace/braclett/earings? Wear what you are comfortable in!

Just wear what you want. Stop caring if they judge you. I know it's hard as you worry you'll get it wrong but there is no 'wrong'... just this persons random expectations.

Black is the correct social rule for a British funeral so nobody can say it's a faux pas.

Something very similar happened to me!

I'd wear your black dress OP and whatever bright thing you find most comfortable or makes you think of the deceased; bright tights / bag / jewellery / headscarf / shoes.

I'm so sorry for your loss

OP, I am really sorry - I am neurotypical and I would be stressed out by this. Aren't funerals difficult enough without a bloody dress code? I understand the 'no need to wear black' idea, so you don't have to if you don't want to, but like many people, I have a funeral dress that gets pulled out on these occasions because it's not actually about our fashion choices. Buy a cheap scarf in a colour you like and either tie it to your bag or wear it round your neck. If it helps you feel better, this is not you, it's definitely them being weird and controlling. I am too old for this nonsense, how dare they stress you out at such a difficult time for precisely no reason.

Personally I think the person is weird for telling you what you should be wearing to a funeral. Where I live people generally don't wear black, and sometimes a funeral notice might request that people wear bright colours, but telling someone they have to wear black plus a bright colour is decidedly odd!!! I really think you should wear whatever you want to wear, and if that one person wants to judge you then that is their problem, not yours.

Wear whatever you want. Odd to have a dress code at a funeral but regardless, nobody will give two figs what you are wearing. It’s not about you, unless you are one of the chief mourners or very immediate family.