Awkward funeral dress code

[Franjolele]

I need help working out what to wear to a funeral this week. I've been told "not funeral black" but when I've asked what people are actually wearing, they are wearing something like black trousers and top / bright jacket, or black skirt / bright top / black jacket.
This feels very awkward to me:

1. I am autistic and find a lot of formal clothes uncomfortable, so I was going to just wear a simple black dress
2. I don't have a lot of formal wear and can't afford to buy anything new just for one occasion
3. I know this might be awkward of me, but think that black clothes + one bright item looks awful and dated!
4. My relationship with the person who has set the dress code is not comfortable and this "not all black, but some black" requirement is making me feel like it's a test which I might easily fail (see above re autism and finding social occasions awkward and testing)

This is giving me a lot of anxiety so please be kind! Would the black dress with bright coloured tights underneath and a bright bag work do you think? I thought one answer might be a bright scarf but I find scarves fussy and irritating to wear. Thank you if anyone has any ideas.

Will you fixate till the funeral or will it ease off ?

How about a colourful broach?

Your idea of black dress with bright tights and bag is perfect. You could add a bright coat if you have one or black coat, bright scarf and gloves if it will be cold. But once inside,t he bright tights will work with the black dress.

IME, people do what they like when given dress codes like that. But your suggestion sounds like a good balance.

I was hoping once I'd got the outfit settled in my mind I could let go of the anxiety, but I realise now that worrying about the outfit is just a symptom of the whole bigger problem.

Remember the person setting the rules is not God so try to turn it around by saying ; they are the ones with the issue not you. Anyone who would comment on somebody wearing a black dress to a funeral it off the wall so try to think it's their problem. I have never in my life noticed what someone wore to a funeral...well except for the queen!!
It's a good idea to lay out the outfit now so you are not still thinking and then don't discuss it with anyone else. You will look fine.
All black with a flash of colour in a bag or even shoes is perfect.

Sorry for your loss OP, and sorry that you’ve been made to feel like this about the funeral. If I was you I probably wouldn’t wear the black dress, but would wear one of your other dresses, maybe the least bright one so you’re complying with the dress code without drawing attention to yourself. Do you have one that would fit the bill?

I think black dress with a colourful brooch is a great idea. Subtle but in keeping with the dress code.

Hair accessories. Coloured head band or ribbon or scarf around a ponytail. You can pick up something for very little. Or tie a pretty scarf around your bag handle.

What is the relationship between the person who is making you feel uncomfortable and also their relationship with the deceased?
Has it come from the family that your choice usnt great for them?

I know this might be awkward of me, but think that black clothes + one bright item looks awful and dated!

With all due respect to your feelings, which must be raw at the moment, but perhaps this particular opinion is not useful in this particular circumstance?

Can you suck up your feeling that the way of dressing which has been requested looks dated? Just for this one time, and with respect for the feelings of the funeral organiser and the late person whose life you are marking & celebrating ?

In this instance, I think the request for bright colours etc trumps your sense of looking "outdated."

What about black trousers and a coloured top? Could you do that?

Sorry for your loss OP. Personally I'd go with the black dress but perhaps not black tights and jazz up with a bright scarf and/or jacket. If you have a bright bag/scarf that would work too.

You are right though - dress codes can be difficult! Personally when my DDad died I said no dress code, come in whatever you'd have worn to meet my dad for a cuppa. For most people this was jeans/trainers (DDad had a lot of friends in a manual work industry so I didn't think it fair to make ppl dress up or buy clothes they wouldn't normally get wear out of).

I'm not autistic, OP. I was invited to a funeral which required us to dress as brightly as we could. I wore some bright red chino trousers with green trainers and a cobalt blue shirt. Almost everyone else wore black with colourful highlights. I felt a bit of a prat — I'm not normally one to wear a variety of bright colours — but we were all there to celebrate the life of a wonderful woman and I got over my embarrassment.

It's not like a wedding, there won't be formal photos. A black dress with a colourful cardigan or a bright jacket, or just a bright handbag and shoes would be fine.

I absolutely agree with this. I think your choice sounds fine as is :-)

Would it help to understand the logic of this instruction?

It's because some people think those funerals where everyone wears very formal black clothes are a bit depressing and/or old fashioned.
So they say wear what you want but usually what they actually mean is something smart but not head to toe black.
This means that people usually try to find something smart in their wardrobe that isn't head to toe black. Eg navy dress or black trousers and a non black top. It doesn't have to be an especially bright top.
Sometimes people will specify a particular wish of the deceased eg wear purple it was their favourite colour.

If I were you I would wear your nice black dress with nude or grey tights or no tights and if you have a cardi or jacket in another colour wear that. Black opaque tights might be a bit too much.

Ps not everyone gets the memo anyway. I wore lilac top to a friends funeral as I was told to wear their favourite colour but I got frowned at by some trad families all in black (but they didn't know the person as well). Sometimes you just can't win!

Also for what it's worth I have specified when I go that I want everyone in head to to black so it's easy and glamorous!

Sorry for your loss OP

So the information we have is:

1. not funeral black
2. your suggestion of wearing a black dress has been met with disapproval
3. you do care what this person thinks
4. you have a number of coloured dresses / clothes

Therefore, I would wear one of your coloured dresses/outfits. Probably, as someone suggested, one which is relatively muted colours.

Yes, some people are interpreting this as black + colour, but that's not your style, and the more important info is that you suggested a black dress and this was thumbs down. Therefore I don't think a coloured accessory with the black dress will change that assessment.

I'm almost 70, been to many many funerals - but never to one where there was a dress code

I'd go black dress with a bright scarf, just drape it round your neck, doesn't need to be tied and/or bag.

I'm afraid the person setting this dress code is making things unnecessarily difficult. When I was widowed I couldn't have cared less if people were wearing head to toe black or a Mr Blobby costume.

If you didn't wear the black dress what are your other options?

In the funerals I've been too recently there has been no dress code as such but it definitely hasn't been all black - a mix of generally muted colours (black, navy, white, grey) with some more colourful jackets etc. If you want to play it safe I'd wear a black or navy dress/top and trousers with a colourful scarf you can whip off if you feel its too bright on the day. Or vice versa - keep it in your bag and add it if everyone else is wearing brights.

Do you have either black skirt or trousers you could match with a bright blouse or smart top. Or even a bright skirt/ trousers you could wear with a black top or jacket. Have you even got a bright blouse you could wear over the black dress.
Even a colourful dress with a black jacket or cardigan.

• I've been to, not been too 🙄

I love being over 40. I don't go to weddings or funerals that I won't feel.comfortabke with. I politely decline weddings with an excuse early on and send a lovely gift and with funerals, i have been known to be 'stuck in traffic' or ill. I also do the same for ladies coffee mornings and craft workshops but admit it's not my cuppa. I think it's ok to shield yourself from stress as long as it isn't directly hurting others.

I'd feel similar to you, it feels like a minefield. I'd go with black outfit and then get a coloured pashmina / large scarf (charity shops are good for them) and then you can put that round you if you're not feeling colourful enough, and hide it away if you feel it's not appropriate. Gives you some options on the day and as we're coming to autumn/winter it won't look out of place.