My bikini expertise (LIGHTHEARTED)

[TheBikiniExpert]

I have now been on an Italian beach for a week and thought it was time to share my newly-acquired expertise! Please feel free to add your own, bearing in mind that this is a light-hearted thread on Style & Beauty not AIBU!

• Everyone can wear a bikini. I would say 95% of women from 5 - 100 are in bikinis. It is too damn hot for a one-piece.
• Big bikini bottoms make you look like you've got a big bottom half even if you are a skinny waif.
• On the other hand, string thongs just don't look good on anyone.
• Big boobs/droopy boobs look better with some support. Only perky boobs look good with those tiny, flimsy triangles. Sadly, hardly anyone over 30 has perky enough boobs for the triangle including myself.
• Velvet bikinis were a thing last year. They were hideous then. They are hideous and old now.
• Ditto sequins from about 5 years ago.
• Everybody looks better in a bikini when they stand up straight and suck their stomach in. Sadly I don't think it is possible to do this for more than 5 minutes.

Please add your own insights!

Aww fukk I just ordered big bikini bottoms to cover my wobbly tum but I know you're right! I wish I'd read this 30mins ago!

I totally agree with the thong bottoms. Even if you're 18 with a fabulous body, buttocks are comical and look so much better covered.

Oops! Hopefully you will be the exception that proves the rule!😊

" Everyone can wear a bikini"

You should have stopped there

"Sadly I don't think it is possible to do this for more than 5 minutes"

Five minutes? Stealth boast

Weird straps will give you a weird tan line.

I love my big bottoms and don't care how big they make my bottom look ha.
I love bikinis, hate having all the wet fabric of a one piece on me.

Don't wear them for aquaerobics unless they're new or you're very confident that the elastic and Lycra haven't perished a bit.

Yes, big bottoms make you look bigger ime. Big boobs need a bikini top with wide straps. Believe it or not high leg swimsuits and bikinis are actually rather flattering. Matt fabric vs shiny traditional swimsuit fabric is also much more flattering.

Swimwear pretty much by definition shows exactly what your body looks like. If you're fat or skinny or have a big bust or a tiny one, swimwear isn't really going to hide any of that. Imo what makes you look best 'for your shape' in swimwear is looking like you're having fun on the beach and looking like you don't give a shit what swimwear you're wearing!

I like sporty, all-in-one shorts-style ones. No bikini line to bother with.

I agree with your point that anyone can wear a bikini.

Your other points I don't agree with - people can wear what they want to wear, and am I hell sucking my tummy in and making myself feel uncomfortable just so I look more attractive to other people 🤣

Despite the faff and slight fear, high leg bottoms really are the most flattering for the vast majority of people. Sorry.

Ok, I recognise what you say about big bikini bottoms especially for the tummy but can you reassure me that it’s ok to have a bit of bum cheek on show even if it’s pale wobbly and dimpled? Bikini bottoms that are full coverage of my behind are by default low cut in the leg which makes my legs look short and my body wider.

I look shit in a bikini. I have moles all over my stomach and wear uv protective sports one piece. Plus I tend to actually want to swim and lots of beach swimwear is no good for regular swimming. Plus with dc I just need modest stays in place swimwear.

- Everyone can wear a bikini. I would say 95% of women from 5 - 100 are in bikinis. It is too damn hot for a one-piece.

Erm, isn't there anyone there with very fair skin? Who likes to cover up a bit more to save applying quite so much suncream.

I agree with your first point.

The rest - wear what you want! Whether it's velvet, a thong or a teeny tiny triangle on your saggy boobs. Shave if you want, or don't. It's impossible to hide your body in swimwear and it's stressful to try to bother. I did spend time in my 30s obsessing about swimming with the other mums at baby swimming classes. It's just a waste of energy.

And no, people don't look better (by which you mean slimmer, I assume) sucking their stomachs in. They just look like they're sucking their stomachs in.

I've bought my first swimsuit (usually wear a bikini), it has high legs and a padded low cut bra area, it's actually extremely flattering. I bought it because I'm feeling a bit self conscious so wanted an emergency one.

I agree with where whatever you want! By better I don't mean thin - I can't actually suck in my stomach that much! Standing up straight and not slouching does objectively look better on anyone imo.

Any good recommendations for bikinis then people?

True but too high and it starts to look a bit Borat-y!

That would probably just be me - the palest person on the beach! I mainly stay in the shade though.

Yes - but the solution is to have lots of different bikinis!

I’m in agreement about the big high waisted pants. I think they look like you’ve got a nappy on and bigger than you are. I did take a bikini on holiday this year but it was underwired more structured type and I burnt badly on the first day so my one piece ended up being more comfortable as wasn’t digging into my sunburn.

I've bought women's board shorts which are so much more comfortable and flattering. Worn with either a bikini/tankini top. I got sick of feeling so exposed in what are basically knickers, men get a much better deal with swimming trunks, and are more covered up. Why shouldn't we have the same?

I wore this one and felt good in it. Not like I was trying to hide away and very comfortable www.simplybe.co.uk/shop/figleaves-frida-soft-halter-swimsuit-longer-length/ga066/product/details/show.action?pdBoUid=6014&optionColour=Floral+Print&pdpClick=true.
I’m at 12/14 and have a large chest