Apparently I've 'let myself goI'

[morepatiencerequired]

So I'm part angry, part unsure. I'm 49. Together with DP almost 20 years ( 3 kids). I've never been a makeup wearer (ie maybe one or twice a month, mascara, lippy, blush, if we go out). I've always dressed casually. I've never been one for designer clothes etc (tho we could afford it). I have had highlights occasionally, but not as regularly as one should .

DP tells me I've let myself go. My hair is greying (and I've literally not had a hair colour in 4 years he's approved of despite trying (current country has different hair type generally to me), but otherwise I'm still me. Just older. Perimenopausal so my body shape has changed a bit but I'm only about 2kg ish heavier than I used to be.

What do I do? I'm so far removed from style and beauty that I've no idea where to start. And I'm partly just angry that the expectation has changed because I'm older. I'm of a body shape that would suit corsets and fitted dresses but have 3 youngish kids and an active day.

I'm also 3/4 of the way into a bottle of wine, feeling sorry for myself so may crash shortly as it's bedtime here.

He sounds awful

WTAF about roots

Who is he, Vidal Sassoon

I don't understand the 'men are visual' thing.
It demotes any idea of a woman experiencing dominance over her own physical and visual preferences. As if we are mere cattle with only one intention - to breed. It ties in neatly with another ludicrous and disabling concept: that we don't feel sexual pleasure of climax all that much.

It is a way of reducing female power and autonomy, as if we are not equal players in the game of sensuality and sex. Men do not have complete dominion over visual pleasure.

Sadly, many women just go along with this. We are socialised to endure this crap when we ought to be making our own decisions and spending a LOT more time considering whether men measure up to OUR standards, our desires, and our needs.

I am very, very fucking visual. Nothing escapes me. Perhaps, unlike this hopeless tool, I have a lot more tact. I would suggest any man using this kind of dialogue is insecure and simply offloading that onto his partner. The only real tragedy here is that he hasn't yet been kicked to the kerb.

Did he say it kindly OP? Sometimes men are so clumsy

@Anordinarymum

Did he say it kindly OP? Sometimes men are so clumsy

Ha, like the guy who i dated for a very short while in my early 20's. I was a yoga mad, slender girl. Lying together after canoodling, he said "you feel wobbly, i honestly thought you were more toned than that" Now, unless he had been previously dating women composed of steel, he was either fucking with my head or simply stupid.

Whichever it was, it was a ginormous turn off. He didn't get laid.

But they have been together for twenty years !

He sounds extremely shallow. I'm afraid my response would have been to tell him to bugger off!

@morepatiencerequired

I genuinely think he loves me, though we've drifted towards friends over the past couple of years. I love him, and I'm happy that he looks after himself. He's not model material, but keeps fairly good shape, and looks have never been my thing. They have been his thing. I think he was surprised that he fell I. Love with me as I didn't for the mould of his previous partners (and no, I'm not fussed about the DP not DH thing).

He's always been very clear that he's 'visual' (and I'm not). I guess I want to do something, because I care for him, I'm just simultaneously pissed that women are expected to do something while guys can just get old

This is his issue not yours.

The irony is while you continue to put his needs above your own you are letting your 'self' go.

What is he doing for you?

I think if you want to invest in self improvement I would focus on you.

I'd be tempted to agree with him and say 'you are right I have let myself slide: I need to make it wayyyyyy more about me from now on'

He sounds very shallow.

p.s i strongly suspect it is not the perimenopause which is the root of your diminished self esteem / confidence.........

@Anordinarymum

But they have been together for twenty years !

Yes, I would rather find this out at the beginning

Op, I’m really sorry to say it but he sounds awful. A bit of a twit.

The ref to ‘visual’ - he sounds like a real navel grazer but it’s what you’ve said about him being surprised that he fell in love with you as you’re so different to what he went for previously - does this mean you were supposed to be grateful to him for doing so snd that you’re meant to have kept yourself on your toes out of gratitude.

Please consider that there’s more to what he said than.

I think you sound lovely as you are and you should find someone who loves you for who you are.

So I'm taking all the responses to heart and just going to concentrate on being the best me and see if I can pull myself out of the peri fug so that at least if things go wrong I don't need to fix myself. If I feel better I'll be able to interpret the meaning better (aka is he an arse or just a bumbling idiot sometimes)... and maybe along the way he'll start seeing a confident woman again and stop whinging.

Simultaneously ordering a shovel and large quantities of lime, just in case

@immersivereader
*WTAF about roots

Who is he, Vidal Sassoon*
🤣

OP are you living in his country?
He sounds like a bit of a twat.

Working on how you feel in and about yourself can only be a good thing. We should all do that more! I’ve lost sight of that a bit lately too, so today I’m going to take a walk by myself and have a long pampery shower I think. And take my vitamins! You?

@MrsTerryPratchett

He is allowed to be how he is, some men are like that just like u r the way u r about visual side of it all. Noone is wrong here.

I would remain with my DH through baldness and weight gain. I wouldn't shag him if his grammar descended to this level.

I think it depends on how it was said. If said to be deliberately cruel and malicious and as a put down, of course, it would require some consideration about him as a person.

If he's otherwise a good guy/partner etc and it was said more in the vibe of 'come on babe, make a bit of effort, show me you care', then it could be worth taking his comment on board because it's more likely a comment about how he perceives you feel about him.

You mentioned he doesn't like the hair colour you've chosen - but there's no other context, if you have gone for a flame red or bright pink when you're naturally a sun-kissed blonde - I can understand why that would generate an opinion. If though you're naturally a dark brunette and he's picking spots because you've gone for an ice chocolate colour (barely perceivable as different) then that's not OK and I'd be worrying I was living with a control freak.

Context here is key but I can understand some bubbling resentment even if it wasnt said in malice - no one likes to be criticised, but one way of turning the tables and taking back control is to say - right you're doing the housework/childcare on x day because I'm off to get my hair and nails done and do a bit of shopping and have some time to myself. If he grumbles then you say - well you can't have it both ways, you can't throw a comment at me that I've let myself go but leave me with no time to invest in myself! And swan off with a flick of your hair and a disparaging look.

If he isn't trying to make you feel bad the expected response would be - oh right, fair point, no problem, I'll make us a nice dinner then.

Change accessories : swap the old man for a toyboy

I think maybe this holds some truth OP. We can all let ourselves go it's easily done tbh. I realised that last year... I'm 30 and I realised that I had no nice summer dresses to wear!

Realistically when you have been in a relationship a long time I don't think it's unreasonable for your partner to expect you to make an effort. It's keeps things fresh.

Sorry I didn't see the part about the roots.....yeah that sounds off! Overly picky and negative.

I'm sorry OP. He is beginning to sound a bit of an arse!

All those saying just find someone else, younger, better, who loves you just as you are, don't you think the world of dating is just as superficial if not more than what the OP is already experiencing?! I've been in it and it's awfully appearance oriented. I'd love it if people just loved you 'just as you are' without any thought for external appearance, but that's not been my experience of dating in this age group...

Can I clarify OP, you are from the UK but living in another country where you moved for your partner's work? Do you work yourself? And do you have friends or family of your own where you are?

@MaHBroon

Op, I’m really sorry to say it but he sounds awful. A bit of a twit.

The ref to ‘visual’ - he sounds like a real navel grazer but it’s what you’ve said about him being surprised that he fell in love with you as you’re so different to what he went for previously - does this mean you were supposed to be grateful to him for doing so snd that you’re meant to have kept yourself on your toes out of gratitude.

Please consider that there’s more to what he said than.

I agree with this - OP, it comes across as if you have put him on a pedestal from the beginning. The way you talk about not being his usual type, how he was successful when you met.

You seem to feel like he is doing you a favour by being in a relationship with you.

Anyway, he sounds awful, monitoring your roots etc. This is not going to get any easier, you are only going to get older (hopefully), and he will just have to deal with it, or ideally you could get rid of him and get on with enjoying your life without all the judgement.

I doubt you've let yourself go, you've more than likely got an arse for a husband. Much more common.

I really feel for you, as it’s obviously that your partner’s superficial attitude and unkind comments have damaged your self-confidence and made you unhappy. I think it’s sad that you are having highlights when you were choosing the embrace the grey. Natural grey hair is worn by many glamorous women. I think it’s unhealthy for you to make changes against your better judgement. How will you feel happy in your own skin doing that? Any changes you make should be changes that you yourself love. I’d suggest keeping the grey (your hair will be in better condition for it) and having a great cut (see some examples in these pictures). As for clothes, think about your favourite colours and wear those. Look at fashion on Pinterest and find your style (stuff that really appeals to you), then have a big online shop, returning anything you don’t love (that’s crucial) buy the stuff you really want to wear in colours you love.