Apparently I've 'let myself goI'

[morepatiencerequired]

So I'm part angry, part unsure. I'm 49. Together with DP almost 20 years ( 3 kids). I've never been a makeup wearer (ie maybe one or twice a month, mascara, lippy, blush, if we go out). I've always dressed casually. I've never been one for designer clothes etc (tho we could afford it). I have had highlights occasionally, but not as regularly as one should .

DP tells me I've let myself go. My hair is greying (and I've literally not had a hair colour in 4 years he's approved of despite trying (current country has different hair type generally to me), but otherwise I'm still me. Just older. Perimenopausal so my body shape has changed a bit but I'm only about 2kg ish heavier than I used to be.

What do I do? I'm so far removed from style and beauty that I've no idea where to start. And I'm partly just angry that the expectation has changed because I'm older. I'm of a body shape that would suit corsets and fitted dresses but have 3 youngish kids and an active day.

I'm also 3/4 of the way into a bottle of wine, feeling sorry for myself so may crash shortly as it's bedtime here.

Oh OP, look at your language. I should... His expectations.....
There is no should about any of this, especially not if it's all being fed by some really unpleasant, judgey, superficial comments by someone who is supposed to love you. Unless you have a desperate desire to do any of this for you, the only change I'd suggest echoes the many PPs who said to get rid of someone who is making you think unkind things about yourself. And maybe talk to your GP about peri symptoms in case your hormones are out of whack and adding to you feeling down about yourself.

I'll be going against grain here because you have said that when u met you know your notnhis usual type, you know he is more of a visual person and you are the opposite.

Honestly what did you expect of course he would say something like he did. You literally chose to continue to be with a guy who u knew thinks like that.

You say he does keep fit himself etc so 🤷

He is allowed to be how he is, some men are like that just like u r the way u r about visual side of it all. Noone is wrong here.

Well this was looking scarily like a thread of unified positivity, thank God someone has turned up to ruin that 🙄

This isn't because you are hormonal,it's because he's a wanker. The correct response is 'fuck off.'

My only advice is coming from my experience. I'm peri too and the best thing I ever did was start exercising to the point I"m a little crazy! I feel stronger than I've ever done in my life. I didn't do it for my DH, I did it for me. I could see myself age in the mirror on what seemed like a daily basis and I'm not even that vain. I promise you it will make you feel better, regardless of what that dick of a DP you have

He is allowed to be how he is, some men are like that just like u r the way u r about visual side of it all. Noone is wrong here.

I would remain with my DH through baldness and weight gain. I wouldn't shag him if his grammar descended to this level.

@TomBradysLeftKneecap

My only advice is coming from my experience. I'm peri too and the best thing I ever did was start exercising to the point I"m a little crazy! I feel stronger than I've ever done in my life. I didn't do it for my DH, I did it for me. I could see myself age in the mirror on what seemed like a daily basis and I'm not even that vain. I promise you it will make you feel better, regardless of what that dick of a DP you have

I've actually started doing a lot of that too - in large part it's giving me time away from the kids, but it's definitely making me feel better. I did see a gynae about HRT but she was, err, less than good (and the tablets I tried definitely did not help). I'm definitely feeling better with the exercise, though.

I will admit that I'm really not happy with his judgement on my looks; I definitely feel that I haven't 'changed', except for my age. He is an amazing partner in all other ways, so I'm struggling to come to grips with the overwhelmingly negative responses... but I do agree with it not being, ahem, the best indicator of his care for me.

I'm getting highlights next week... I don't want to do full colour as he is much taller than me and if he sees any glimpse of root from above, he comments. His absolute focus on my greying hair is winding me up (I was very happy to embrace the grey)... so maybe it we make it a bit blonder, he'll be happier and it's an 'easy' thing for me to do (if I can find a hairdresser in this country who doesn't have challenges with my very fine very straight hair).

Any suggestions on clothes/brands/etc for me? I'm almost 50, youngish kids but finally morphed from needing to sit on floors and play/read/etc a lot so it probably is time to change the clothing from the last dozen years of having VERY functional clothing. Where do I go from here? I think I need to look into buying clothes that mostly fit and getting them altered, but I don't even know what to buy. My winter wardrobe is basically bootcut jeans and a t-shirt with jumper. It's very cold indoors here so I need to bump up my winter warmth.

OP, don't make your focus pleasing him and keeping him happy.

Sit down with him and tell him how his comments have made you feel. Explain that it undermines everything else he does, because his words suggest that he's fixated on what you look like to the exclusion of everything else. Point out that he chose to be with you despite the fact that you have never been his "normal type" and that him making shitty comments now is really unfair and cruel. Tell him that these comments come across as him deliberately trying to put you down and hurt you. Ask him what's wrong with being the age you are, with having grey hair and being calm and accepting of the ageing process?

And if after all that, you want to get your hair done and buy some new clothes, then do it. But do it because YOU want to, not because you are trying to appease a superficial man.

My DH doesn’t really my Hush clothes or my midi length dresses, he doesn’t get it at all that I like them, they’re comfy, I’m not dressing to be sexy or for him
to fancy me, I’m dressing for me.
Every so often when we go out I’ll wear my leather leggings, heels and a nice blouse and he will compliment me all night.
I’m 100% sure he’d like me to dress like this nearly all the time but tough luck I am not going to.
I do dye my hair for me because it suits my eyes and dark eyebrows.
If I get any little comments then I turn them around
So for instance if we are watching TV and there’s a hot man on wearing something nice then I’ll say that he should buy a top like that or doesn’t he look amazing l. My DH gets the message then.
I’m 52.

Really like

A few things-

• your DP and his partner are sexist assholes
• if you aren't married and living in a foreign country with young children, are you protected financially? Because I wouldn't trust him at all with that attitude. What if he feels entitled to have another Pretty Young Thing on his arm?
• home hair dye might be worth looking into. Clairol root touch-up is amazing if you can get it where you are.
• personal shoppers at department stores can be helpful in a style fix if available.

But really what he needs is an attitude replacement, stat.

Stop. You don’t need to change yourself, there is nothing wrong with a natural look .

It’s your husband that needs to change here. What gives him the right to ‘approve’ of your hair colour or decide that you’ve ‘let yourself go?’.

Letting yourself go only applies to hygiene. Assuming your not depressed and therefore neglecting basic self care he can stop with his sexist bullshit.

People age and that’s a beautiful thing. Don’t let him make you feel bad for being your perfect self.

Men are visual to a degree but many men go for confident partners.
I think you need to work on your self esteem. And as a pp said your physical body too because that will help your confidence.
Do it for yourself and flick your grey hair in his face as you stride past.

@Dreamstate

I'll be going against grain here because you have said that when u met you know your notnhis usual type, you know he is more of a visual person and you are the opposite.

Honestly what did you expect of course he would say something like he did. You literally chose to continue to be with a guy who u knew thinks like that.

You say he does keep fit himself etc so 🤷

He is allowed to be how he is, some men are like that just like u r the way u r about visual side of it all. Noone is wrong here.

His right to ‘be how he is’ ends at the point where he requires time-consuming and effortful self-grooming from a woman who is not into that. She also gets to ‘be how she is’. Which is getting older, like him.

As someone else said, you are not married, so just checking you are financially ok if for any reason this all went south (no reason to think it will, but that's one thing to think on as we age and get to 50, am I financially going to be ok in older age).

Otherwise, it sounds like his remarks have stung. If you were feeling super-confident you would probably have told him to bog off, but as you were feeling perimenopausal and not great, they have hit home a bit.

I wouldn't change for him, and I'd tell him how hurtful that was, but I would consider how I wanted to look going forward from 50 and if you would like to look slightly different, then go for it. Hair, there's online tutorials on make-up for our age group, rethinking the wardrobe (you'll be glad to know bootcut jeans are back in fashion again!)

I'd also try to find some time to reconnect just the two of you- dinner out, cinema, whatever you like to do, as it sounds like you are a bit pulling apart, and sometimes in a long relationship you need to reset and reconnect with each other (even though we all agree he's a bit of a twat for raising it). Unless you want to collapse your relationship, which it doesn't sound like it does to me.

I'm getting highlights next week... I don't want to do full colour as he is much taller than me and if he sees any glimpse of root from above, he comments. His absolute focus on my greying hair is winding me up

It sounds like he is the one who is worried about getting older and he is projecting that onto you.

I'm not sure how he could be a fabulous partner in all other ways if he actually despises you for being a normally ageing human being.

If my partner treated me this way, it would break my heart.

OP "I'm getting highlights next week... I don't want to do full colour as he is much taller than me and if he sees any glimpse of root from above, he comments"

I find this really horrible behaviour on his part. If you want to change to please him, I think you need to keep in mind it will lead to lot of mental strain for you, and for what?

I'd be telling him to go pick the model he wants from the catalogue and you'll be happy without him.

you know he is more of a visual person and you are the opposite

You can be a 'visual person' and still value the character of your partner above their appearance. Unless you're completely selfish, that is. He knew when he met OP that people get older and time doesn't stand still. He sounds controlling and immature.

Look, you haven't changed your approach to life. You have never worn make up regularly, coloured your hair or worn corsets.

That is the person he fell in love with.

So what's changed for him? You getting older? If so, he's setting you up to fail isn't he?

He may be fit on the outside, but he is ugly on the inside

Again, PLEASE look at the language you're using:
'I'm getting highlights next week... I don't want to do full colour as he is much taller than me and if he sees any glimpse of root from above, he comments. His absolute focus on my greying hair is winding me up (I was very happy to embrace the grey)... so maybe it we make it a bit blonder, he'll be happier and it's an 'easy' thing for me to do (if I can find a hairdresser in this country who doesn't have challenges with my very fine very straight hair).'
It's still all about appeasing him. It sounds like you don't want to dye your hair at all? So don't dye it!!!!! That's the 'easy' solution. And if you decide that you want to dye it for you then please don't make any decisions based on one person's view of the top of your head.
He's allowed to have a preference. Lots of men might prefer their partners hair if it's longer or shorter or blonder or redder but they don't get a fucking say in what their partner does wih her body! And if they love her they don't grind her down to the extent he clearly has with you. It makes me sad that he's got into your head to this extent.

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor

This isn't because you are hormonal,it's because he's a wanker. The correct response is 'fuck off.'

Correct ☝️ Where do these men get off, making women feel like shit for ageing. I bet he doesn’t look 21 still either. If you’re fine with grey hair then keep it, if not then sort it but only do it for you. I’m péri and feel like an old hag currently but I would be destroyed if DH pointed out how I had aged over the last 25 years. It’s just so unkind.

I hate to agree with someone previous but I think he has his eye on someone else and he is starting to justify this to himself . You have said you are more friends- are you still having sex ?

See a doc about the peri menopause - there is no need to suffer like this .

You've let yourself go?! Or just kept doing what you've always done (which I assume he liked) and are naturally ageing after having his children and now experiencing natural hormonal changes and the natural way the female body ages.

If you're going to make changes don't do it for him, so it because you want to.

I'm so pissed off on your behalf! What a horrendous phrase