Apparently I've 'let myself goI'

[morepatiencerequired]

So I'm part angry, part unsure. I'm 49. Together with DP almost 20 years ( 3 kids). I've never been a makeup wearer (ie maybe one or twice a month, mascara, lippy, blush, if we go out). I've always dressed casually. I've never been one for designer clothes etc (tho we could afford it). I have had highlights occasionally, but not as regularly as one should .

DP tells me I've let myself go. My hair is greying (and I've literally not had a hair colour in 4 years he's approved of despite trying (current country has different hair type generally to me), but otherwise I'm still me. Just older. Perimenopausal so my body shape has changed a bit but I'm only about 2kg ish heavier than I used to be.

What do I do? I'm so far removed from style and beauty that I've no idea where to start. And I'm partly just angry that the expectation has changed because I'm older. I'm of a body shape that would suit corsets and fitted dresses but have 3 youngish kids and an active day.

I'm also 3/4 of the way into a bottle of wine, feeling sorry for myself so may crash shortly as it's bedtime here.

Are you happy with how you look and feel?

If you are then tell your OH that if he wants to leave - and hook up with someone who meets his visual requirements then he knows where the door is.

Dress up, dress down, colour your hair, go grey, get made up, go au natural, shave and wax, or let it grow...all of these things are your choice. Do what makes you happy - and if your partner wants something different then let him go. Life is too short to spend it with someone that doesn't have the same values as you.

Hmm. Reckon age has been used here as a convenient excuse to put you down. You say he's done this before, so not new. I think age is a red herring.

"Let yourself go" is just something hurtful to say to a middle aged woman. You don't even seem to meet the criteria for it. Doesn't it usually mean: has put on weight, doesn't make an effort any more, has got wrinklier and going grey? If you haven't put on weight noticeably, always dressed casually and without makeup, he hates any hair colour on you and everyone gets wrinkles anyway, then how have you "let yourself go" exactly? What's changed seems to be his method of insulting you.

How old are your DC? Old enough that you can start getting your life back? Can't be having that now, can we. Got to keep you squashed down and in your place. Tell him to shut up and put up, or fuck off. And mean it.

I'm going to guess he's not a picture of beauty and elegance himself. If he is and if you'd changed, I could half understand the comment, unkind though it is. But you haven't changed except natural ageing. Most British men look like shit and are incredibly lazy about their appearance. Certainly the majority wouldn't be willing to do anything about grey hair, wrinkles or weight gain. Possibly the latter for medical reasons but not for aesthetics. And most of them never had any style to lose in the first place. I'll bet he looks exactly like what he is: a middle aged man with DC. So why are you supposed to look a)like a model and b) frozen in time at 25?

You could tell him you agree and have taken on board his hint for a Christmas present, what with us living in an equal world and all that, so you've booked him in for liposuction, a facelift, a course with a personal trainer on recovery from surgery and weekly appointments with a therapist so he can learn how not to be a wanker. Meanwhile, you'll be getting your roots done and shopping for dresses and shit. Don't forget to remind him of the appointment with the bank to arrange the loan he'll need to pay for it all.

Or I could just come round your house and punch him on the nose?

Apart from agreeing with everyone else, I'm intrigued what figure suits a corset?!!! And who wears one of them?!

What a misogynistic comment. I'd be giving him the cold shoulder for that kind of comment.

@treesandweeds

Apart from agreeing with everyone else, I'm intrigued what figure suits a corset?!!! And who wears one of them?!

You are emphatically not alone. I had to check I hadn't misread that.

I reckon... don't colour your hair, or anything you are not comfy with.

But buy a killer dress and shoes. Hell throw in a new coat and bag.
Maybe get a personal shopper to help you chose a few really nice, flattering going out outfits.
Really treat yourself.
Get a massage so you feel fantastic.
Do it for you.

Put on your lovely new clothes, after your restorative massage and go out for the evening to a bar with your female friends.

Repeat the next week.
And the next.

Until he fucking grows some manners.

[quote Teenagetrouble]@morepatiencerequired ‘more visual’ really means a superficial arse. He’s the idiot here - you have nothing to prove[/quote]
Yes, my brain says this. But I do love him and I've always done way less than 'normal' women... so I can understand his expectations that now that I need it 'more' that I should be doing something.

As background, when we met, he had created a 'good' business. He was well off and had a history of being a playboy. We met through an 'interest' and I didn't fit the mould. He's not 'better' now than he was.

We recently had a guest stay, a friend of his, who I dislike. Friend is married to a woman he met on sugar daddy.com and 50 yo friend dresses like a wannabe teenager and lives in a plastic surgery hub of usa. I know friend commented on how old I'm looking (grey hair in particular) and I suspect this may have provoked some of the reaction.

There are two separate things going on here. The main issue is that your partner doesn't sound very nice, but it's also genuinely hard to understand how you have 'let yourself go' bar a couple of inevitable signs of ageing. Were you expected to remain eternally youthful? And if he has always been 'into looks', why is it only now that he cares that his partner is as well?

OP, you sound great and v balanced. I hope you don't get too waylaid by this shit.

I'm perimenopausal. I feel shit about everything.

This isn't unjustified hormonal nonsense though. This is feeling shit because he's been horrid to you. Maybe the thing that's changed is you're not all sunshine and smiles any more. Heaven forbid your hormones should make you feel shit and it might show on your face. Has he forgotten you're a person, with feelings, not an ornament for him to look at?

Why do you care so much for someone who doesn't care for you? And what's this "drifted into friends" for 2yrs? Is that code for having no sex life? So he's got/wants someone else?

We recently had a guest stay, a friend of his, who I dislike. Friend is married to a woman he met on sugar daddy.com and 50 yo friend dresses like a wannabe teenager and lives in a plastic surgery hub of usa. I know friend commented on how old I'm looking (grey hair in particular) and I suspect this may have provoked some of the reaction.

But that makes it even less forgiveable. The fact that he might only be saying this because he's playing "keeping up with the Joneses" because his mate is married to Miss Universe. If he really thinks it's appropriate to step over your self esteem because he's worried about his mate's opinion, then he really is a pathetic arsehole.

@morepatiencerequired treat yourself to the latest Dr Louise Newson book, get on HRT, give DP a swift book up the arse and tell him he's no oil painting! (Seriously her book is fantastic and a life changer for me).

Your update isn't doing him any favours

*boot

Though book up the arse works too

Oh so he's jealous of his friend and has decided to take it out on you, what a prize.

What kind of man talks shit about you behind your back with his friend, doesn't stick up for you but agrees with his friend instead and somehow feels that justifies his unkindness to you?

What kind of man has friends like this, who think it's ok to slag off his wife?

You DP isn't on your team OP.

@treesandweeds

Apart from agreeing with everyone else, I'm intrigued what figure suits a corset?!!! And who wears one of them?!

I jUst meant I'm very busty but have zero ass and very strong thighs. Loose fitted tops make me look like a lollipop and I find it very difficult to find trousers to fit. I would suit fitted clothes from the mid century or total corsetry . I'm absolutely shut at going to Zara (or wherever) and finding clothes to flatter my body.

How irritating he sounds. And superficial. Not sure what you can do though if you don't want to tell him to fuck the fuck off. Knob. There's no way you'll be able to compete with plastic surgery guy's Miss Universe. Nor should you have to. Men are such dicks. I'm sorry he made you feel like this.

When a man says this it’s often because his head been turned by a younger glamourous woman or he’s thinks he’s got a chance of getting a more attractive woman.

You don't owe him pretty.

Sarah Jessica Parker has been skated for daring to get old and getting on with getting old. And she makes a good bloody effort. Like she says, what is she supposed to do about it? She wears what makes her feel like herself she says. I suggest you carry in doing just that yourself!

It's misogynistic bullshit.

Everyone else has already used more choice words about your partner than I could, so I won't add to them. But it is nice sometimes to have a bit of a style revamp. For you though, not Mr Visual over there. Once you start jumping through those hoops you'll have to keep jumping, because you don't sound like you have the time nor the inclination to transform into a WAG and stay that way

Is he cheating n trying to justify it.

You don't need his permission to exist as a normal human being who ages.

@StartupRepair

You don't need his permission to exist as a normal human being who ages.

This. THIS.

And perimenopause doesn’t have to mean you feel shit about everything. I suspect you’re being dragged down by 13 stone of neolithic misogynist.

Tell him when’s he looks like (put name here) he can comment who the hell does he think he’s is. Fuming on your behalf hugs.

When DH said this to me I stressed about hair / weight for a while. Liked him a lot less.

Turns out he was just in a sulk because I hadn’t shaved my armpits 🙄

OP
What sort of 'interest' did you guys have in common when you met? Was it sporting? Intellectual? Sexual?