Am I actually “too skinny”

[VanGoSunflowers]

Please be kind as I know I will sound awful typing this…

I’ve always been small - usually fluctuate between an 8 and a 10 and am 5’7”. When I feel stressed, I lose my appetite and find it hard to eat. I have had a very stressful few months and fallen in to bad habits of working through lunch on a few occasions because I haven’t felt hungry. I’ve also had a sickness bug which hasn’t helped!

Anyway - a colleague keeps telling me that I am “too skinny” which I find quite hurtful. To be honest, I’m trying not to worry too much about my appearance right now but these comments are making me feel paranoid. BMI wise I’m probably on the low end of ‘healthy’ - I’m a ten on the bottom and an 8 on the top.

Does this sound horrendously emaciated?? Do people really look at people with my frame and think I look disgusting? Or is my colleague being unkind? I’m trying not to let it bother me but I’ve always been picked on for my weight, ever since I was young and it seems to trigger me somehow

*You sound similar to me OP. I'm 5'8" and weigh just over 9 stone, I'm a size 8 probably but often wear a 10 because I like things baggy.

I don't think it's too skinny, I think it's a pretty normal size!*

I think we need to careful what we describe as 'normal.' We all come in various shapes and sizes. We have different bone structures, muscle mass etc. For some people at 5'8'' and 9 stone they would be unhealthily thin; whereas for others (like you :-), it's obviously healthy.

It may be what's normal for the person themselves that matters but posts like the above could be triggering for some people with a history of eating disorders.

You sound similar to me OP. I'm 5'8" and weigh just over 9 stone, I'm a size 8 probably but often wear a 10 because I like things baggy

I don't think it's too skinny, I think it's a pretty normal size

I think we need to careful what we describe as 'normal.' We all come in various shapes and sizes. We have different bone structures, muscle mass etc. For some people at 5'8'' and 9 stone they would be unhealthily thin; whereas for others (like you :-), it's obviously healthy.

It may be what's normal for the person themselves that matters but posts like the above could be triggering for some people with a history of eating disorders.

You're pretty much the same height, weight and dress size as me, OP, and I occasionally get the same thing - almost always from people who are overweight.

I tend to carry weight on my bum and legs (I run up hills a lot!) so my top half can look bony even though my BMI is well within the "normal" range.

Only you know if you're healthy or not, but you sound fine to me

On the dress size issue, too - I'm almost always a size 8, but I have a vintage size 12 dress that was my MILs, which I can't even fasten up

I don't think it's helpful for posters to comment on the ops weight and tell her she's fine and that everyone else has a distorted idea of what a healthy weight is. The op may well be fine, equally she may not. By her own admission, she's been unwell and stressed which has resulted in her not eating as much and missing meals. That doesn't sound particularly positive and may well be a cause for concern.

Regardless, work colleagues should not be commenting on body shape of weight. It's just rude.

@Comedycook

I don't think it's helpful for posters to comment on the ops weight and tell her she's fine and that everyone else has a distorted idea of what a healthy weight is. The op may well be fine, equally she may not. By her own admission, she's been unwell and stressed which has resulted in her not eating as much and missing meals. That doesn't sound particularly positive and may well be a cause for concern.

Regardless, work colleagues should not be commenting on body shape of weight. It's just rude.

She says she is wearing size 28" jeans which gives an indication she is fine!

@ThorIsAGod. Someone who is so stressed they've lost their appetite and are missing meals doesn't scream fine to me.

*I don't think it's helpful for posters to comment on the ops weight and tell her she's fine and that everyone else has a distorted idea of what a healthy weight is. The op may well be fine, equally she may not. By her own admission, she's been unwell and stressed which has resulted in her not eating as much and missing meals. That doesn't sound particularly positive and may well be a cause for concern.

Regardless, work colleagues should not be commenting on body shape of weight. It's just rude*

I agree. There are quite a lot if variables in build and weight- what may be fine for one person may be too heavy for another, and to little for someone else.

If I were to get to the bottom end of the “healthy” weight BMI, i’d have an eating disorder, and would look very “skinny”. I went there as a teen, and was very unwell for a while. But my weight and BMI would still be considered “healthy”.

9 stone is right at the low end of normal for 5’7. O/p may be too thin. However there’s no way for any of us to know that. But if o/p is experiencing disordered eating, that is a warning sign.

Some people are just tactless. If you are more flat chested now then perhaps that's why your male colleague noticed your weight loss - especially if he is a "boobs man", like many are.

Also, eating disorders are quite prevalent, so if you are scrawny some people will genuinely wonder if you are anorexic. Still, it's not their place to comment, unless you bring the subject up first and perhaps they feel you're seeking attention/stealth boasting about your weight loss.

Just try to eat healthily and enjoy the fact that you are naturally slim - many would envy your metabolism.

Definitely agree disordered eating is not great, and I’ve made a conscious effort recently to make sure I eat all meals and snacks (just started having a protein shake and doing small workouts again too) so I am addressing that issue.

Would I feel more confident if I was a bit bigger? Yes - of course I would. I guess I was just hoping that, while not ideal that i have dropped some weight, that I didn’t look as emaciated as my colleague seemed to think.

We have a kind of folk memory that dress sizes 'mean' something in terms of weight.

Dress sizes mean nothing in terms of weight unless height is also given. I can’t see how they ever could have.

unless you bring the subject up first and perhaps they feel you're seeking attention/stealth boasting about your weight loss

Genuinely never have done that

Have brought it up to close friends and said I hate that I have lost weight etc and the general consensus is ‘yes but you don’t look ill’ so that’s something at least

I was very slim until my mid 40s. People often commented on it. It seemed that it is okay to be rude about people who are slim, or slightly underweight, but it is obviously not acceptable to make any comment about someone who is very overweight.

@Bathshebahardy
Unfortunately as my friend who describes himself as 'fat' has told me, people comment on weight gain too. Granted, maybe not as much but there's no shortage of insensitivity out there when it comes to weight in general!

I lost weight a few years ago after having put on way too much weight from eating loads and not exercising (shocker that I put on weight!!). A colleague of mine said, 'you've lost a lot of weight' and I said, 'oh really? I'm not that thin' and she said, 'well compared to last year!' So all she did was highlight how much extra weight I had been carrying! Cheers.

Weight is such a thorny triggering complicated issue for most people.

It is her own insecurity and internalised misogyny showing OP, neither of which ultimately need to be made your problem.

It would border on offensive to suggest a ladies size 8-10 is 'emaciated' though. Anyone who has seen an unwell person who is medically emaciated will know that that is ludicrous, and very serious.

Being slim or a size 8 isn't a crime, abnormal or dangerous. In the respect of clothing sizes the high street sells smaller. I would ask her not to comment on your body.

The best one I had was a well-meaning, nice and kind neighbour of my parents, who hadn't seen me for a while said 'Oh you've lost weight, you used to be fat'

For the record, I have never been more than a size 10.

I think you seem to be addressing the stress which is good. It might be worth checking your weight in case you've lost more than you think, if I’m not 100% sure what I weight but I’d guess between 9 and 9 1/2 stone actually turns out to be 8 1/2 stone then you're right at the bottom of the healthy range and need to make a concerted effort to eat regular meals and snacks and increase the protein and healthy fats in your diet to stop the weight loss. If you can't address the source of the stress then fit in regular exercise to help you deal with it. If your weight loss has been dramatic then your workmate might just be concerned, or he might just be being rude, we weren't there to judge. I was told 'I hope you're not going to lose any more weight' when I was a BMI of 24 (and still very curvy at that size) so I am well aware that the comment might be made when you are well within the healthy range. Likewise I know it's possible for someone to come on here and downplay their disordered eating and claim they are a healthier weight than they actually are to get validation.

Your colleague was definitely rude. I would ignore her. I would never dream of commenting on someone's weight, however, I am very overweight. Obese, but that word makes me hate myself even more. I have a lifetime of disordered eating and have mental health issues that exacerbate this and people have never held back on telling me I'm too fat. It's really horrible. Yes, I'm really big (and short) and I know it's harming me, but you would think that I was beheading puppies and kittens and wearing them for necklaces instead of eating too much!!

@Perriwinkles

You sound similar to me OP. I'm 5'8" and weigh just over 9 stone, I'm a size 8 probably but often wear a 10 because I like things baggy

I don't think it's too skinny, I think it's a pretty normal size

I think we need to careful what we describe as 'normal.' We all come in various shapes and sizes. We have different bone structures, muscle mass etc. For some people at 5'8'' and 9 stone they would be unhealthily thin; whereas for others (like you :-), it's obviously healthy.

It may be what's normal for the person themselves that matters but posts like the above could be triggering for some people with a history of eating disorders.

Point taken.

Maybe 'unremarkable' would have been a better word than 'normal'. As in, I don't think my body shape/size is anything that anyone would particularly notice if they saw me in the street.

All bodies are normal, you're absolutely right, I didn't mean anything by it.

I think your colleague is displacing recognition that she is probably more overweight than you are underweight.

I hate the fact that its deemed OK to comment on your weight if you are "skinny". I dont mention my diet or my exercise achievements at work because I know I will get negative comments, it's hurtful and I guess if you are feeling a bit fragile it can be really damaging. I am naturally small and slim and I make an effort to be healthy which some people dont seem to like.

The main thing is that you are comfortable with your weight and feel healthy. You know that you need to deal with your stress and eat a bit better, so focus on that and ignore what anyone else says.

All in all, I think it’s important we all fixate less on defining what’s too thin etc. ‘Is size 8-10 too thin’ etc? It just depends (greatly). My female friend is 6’ tall and at 10stone and size 10, she actually looks bone thin. I could be a stone lighter and have more body fat than her … comparison is dangerous. Her healthy weight is 10.5 stone & people still comment on how modelesque she looks.

There is a lot of fat-shaming, a lot of skinny-shaming & a lot of thinly veiled humble-bragging when it comes to weight. I really think it’s up to individuals & doctors to work out what actually is healthy.

FWIW, I was at a hen party a few months ago and I couldn’t believe how little some of the thinner women ate. They couldn’t possibly have been eating anything close to 2000 calories and that was at a hen with free flowing booze and treats. I can only IMDb one how much less they may normally eat. One of them commented that she eats loads and I thought how subjective ‘loads’ is as to me, it seemed like very very little. I think disordered eating affects quite a lot of people and many more than we realise.

*imagine

There is also a thread on here going called “Random Man Comments” (or something like that.) Talking about men who think it’s okay to comment on people’s figure/tell them to smile, etc. It’s eye-opening. (And enraging, tbh!)