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I'm a slob and I'm miserable, be kind please.

94 replies

SisterNight · 26/07/2021 17:42

I'm very fat (size 26/28) very tall (almost 6ft) and totally sick of feeling scruffy. I wear whatever fits, is clean and what is comfortable and no other thought goes in to it. Most days I'll only glance in the mirror when I'm brushing my teeth and then not again.

I've got binge eating disorder and I'm working with a therapist so please no weight loss or exercise tips because it sends me spiralling.

I'm 35 and have no confidence and no idea what to wear. Everything I own is jersey fabric as it's stretchy and comfortable. I stray towards black but that's where my preferences end. I'm such a slob that most of my clothes have small holes in or grease stains from cooking.

I want to care more about my appearance and make more of an effort with myself but I've no idea where to start.

I don't wear make up and get my hair cut into a bob once a year as I don't prioritise myself at all.

Please help, I'd love some tips and advice.

OP posts:
GiveMeAUserName123 · 26/07/2021 17:48

How about painting your nails tonight and moisturising your hands, just something small and achievable. Although nails chip quick, if you can paint your toe nails do that as well as it lasts much longer and just looks pretty.

You need a pen and paper and start making lists! (That’s fun for me!)
You need weekly goals, monthly ones and then a yearly one. I would advise this should probably be a 5 year plan- perfect timing for the glamorous 40’s as loosing weight is no five minute job!

You say no exercise tips, you will have to at some point, maybe watching some weight lifting reels on insta and tiktok, it’s really good motivation to start you off.

Peachee · 26/07/2021 18:08

I agree with the previous poster.. how about getting some self care appointments booked in more regularly (if it’s financially appropriate) hair and nails? I find even a dental appointment makes me feel like I’m giving myself a bit of an MOT.

It’s ok not to be ok with yourself for now and it’s good you have some support for your binge eating disorder!

Have you had a look on simply being and yours? I’m a bigger person (currently pregnant aswell) and when I just want to wear an oversized tunic and a pair of leggings in a dark colour I look on there for inspiration.

You have all the confidence, courage, love for yourself and motivation inside it’s just a bit buried at the moment and in need of some invigoration!

Hope you’re ok xxx

Annasgirl · 26/07/2021 18:16

Hi OP, congrats on getting help with your therapist and I hope that you get all the support that you need.

I do all of my own grooming (except my hair) myself. So once a week I give myself a manicure (shape my nails, remove polish, put on cuticle remover, shove back my cuticles and then paint my nails with clear polish). I do the same every 3-4 weeks with my feet, but I add a scrub and I cut my nails. I usually do a pedicure after a bath, or if I haven’t got time, after soaking my feet in the bath).

I use a body scrub in the shower every day (soap and glory pink mitts as recommended by Sally Hughes) and pit body lotion or body oil on after.

I use a sunscreen and add a tinted cream over, then I use mascara and an eyebrow gel.

I hope that gives you some ideas to try.

Seesawmummadaw · 26/07/2021 18:21

A hair appointment would be first on my list. Cut and colour.
An at home pamper session with bubble bath, face mask, lots of moisturiser all over and nails.
One nice top, something out of your comfort zone but wearable.

JohnStonesMissus · 26/07/2021 18:26

Yes I second getting your hair done, you'll feel fabulous afterwards

muddledmidget · 26/07/2021 18:34

How are your finances? Are you able to book in for regular haircuts/nails or are you more DIY?

Both are fine, and will achieve the results of making you feel a bit more cared for, but there is something nice about somebody else taking care of you.

My advice would be to book a haircut and discuss something more drastic than just cutting into a bob. Maybe some highlights or a colour. Then book for nails, and a bra fitting. There is nothing that makes you feel better and your clothes fit better than a bra that actually fits, and even if no one is going to see it, it makes me feel better to be putting on a nice set of underwear in the morning, like I'm worth it!

DelphiniumBlue · 26/07/2021 18:37

All the tips above are great, but I'd like to add this: if your clothes get grease stains on from cooking ( totally normal) wear an apron to protect your clothes, and wear patterned fabrics, which won't show stains so obviously.
Jersey clothes are fine if that's what you are comfortable in, but make sure it's not clinging to bits you don't want to emphasise.
Go for colours that suit you, particularly near your face ( if you tell us your colouring you will get help here with this) and a little make-up works wonders. Personally I go for a long lasting lip pencil/crayon, or a lip/cheek colour, and a brown pencil eyeliner If you do not already have dark eyelashes and eyebrows, you can get them dyed ( or doing it yourself is quite easy). You don't need loads of products.
Do you have much of a budget? I wouldn't want to be suggesting things that were ridiculously out of your price range, but I can say Trinny London make-up products are fab. I also like NYX , and Rimmel do a good range of cheap but on trend items.

tootiredtobother · 26/07/2021 18:42

Hello OP
and very well done on getting help with the eating disorder, you have taken the first step.
to help with shifting toxins from the body, which will make you feel better and improve your skin, I suggest rigorous and frequent dry body brushing.
buy the stiff bristle (cactus) haired brush with a long handle, it has cleared my bumpy skin on my upper arms and together with lymphatic drainage massage 'woken' up my system, gets this moving
not a quick fix but a very good thing to do.

tootiredtobother · 26/07/2021 18:43

gets things, moving

AmberIsACertainty · 26/07/2021 19:14

It's hard to know what you want so perhaps my tips won't be suitable.

If you don't already, bath or shower daily. Wash and condition your hair at least twice a week. Brush your hair daily. As well as cleaning your teeth. There's something cleansing about water even if there's no soap involved, the feeling of your worries going away down the drain is relaxing.

Get some face cream with SPF in it and use it every morning. If you want makeup but don't know where to start, try BB cream, with lipgloss and mascara. Take it off in the evening and use a night cream. You could do your entire face care routine in the morning in the time it takes for the kettle to boil.

Get a glass nail file, they're the best type for not causing snags and they never wear out. Get a nail buffer, it's a block pad with different colours on, each colour is a different harshness. The instructions will say how to use it but essentially you rub it over each nail in turn, using the hardest sides first every week and the softest side use daily. It takes a few minutes daily and makes your nails shine without using polish. You could do it in the morning while your tea brews.

Sounds like your wardrobe needs an overhaul. If it's all tatty put it out for recycling. Get some new underwear and socks, a week's worth. If you're fed up of jersey fabric and casuals, how about a shirt dress, perhaps with a belt? You could just get 5 black ones so it's not too out of your comfort zone. Maybe get one lounge wear outfit for a relaxed day off when you're just pottering about. So your laundry twice weekly and you won't run out of clothes.

A new bag, shoes and coat would complete your small wardrobe for now. You can then consider what else to buy as you start feeling better about yourself.

Have you thought about getting out into nature? Its proven by scientists to be beneficial. Walking, or presumably sitting, amongst trees means you take in chemicals they give off and that does something beneficial to your brain, you could explore all the public parks and woods in your area. Gardening is good because bacteria in soil gets in through your skin and does something good to you. Maybe try making a hanging basket or growing some veg in a pot if sorting out an entire garden sounds too huge a task. Sorry I can't remember all the science type details!

Yoga, from a meditative point of view is good for calming down after a stressful day, and for peace and tranquility. It's about moving in time with your breathing which somehow calms your brain. It doesn't matter if you're so stiff your movements are very small, it's not about what you can't do, it's about doing what you can and respecting your body's limitations. Leggings and a tee shirt would do for an outfit.

Luzina · 26/07/2021 19:18

If you can afford it look at the Seasalt website for nicer clothes in your size that are still comfortable. Get some new black leggings (the la redoute ones are decent). Start to build up a wardrobe that’s easy to use.

tonyharrisonboosh · 26/07/2021 19:39

I definitely agree with the previous posters about getting your hair done and painting your nails.
It makes all the difference and I always feel more confident. I am also a plus size lady and have days where I feel unhappy with how I look. I always find a little self care boosts my mood.
You don't have to spend a lot of money but perhaps if you can treat yourself to a manicure or some skincare products.

As for the clothing situation I recommend following Laura Adlington if you are on Instagram. She is plus size and always looks beautiful. She always dresses really well and posts about plus size fashion. I've bought a few lovely dresses after seeing them on her.

Miseryisabutterfly · 26/07/2021 19:46

I also agree with painting your nails, and maybe shaving your legs if that’d make you feel better (all power to people who don’t want to shave). I also feel better with a bit of fake tan on, although it’s a nuisance so not a common occurrence for me 😂 Treat yourself to a few nice outfits and some lovely perfume.

Moonflower12 · 26/07/2021 20:15

An easy way to get grease stains out of black jersey- put neat washing up liquid directly on the stain before putting it in the wash. This will make the stains disappear.

Futureself · 26/07/2021 20:20

What about a lovely new perfume? A nice treat and a good start x.

Violinist64 · 26/07/2021 20:22

There are some plus size (very plus size) bloggers on YouTube who do clothing and beauty hauls. They are attractive ladies and exude confidence they did not always feel. Why not take a look at some of them for ideas? Being large does not mean that you cannot look good and you will feel so much better with a little self care of this kind. Well done for getting the help you need.

Violinist64 · 26/07/2021 20:23

Trina Louise and Becky Reynolds are young YouTube plus size bloggers.

EssexLioness · 26/07/2021 20:42

My sister in law is a size 26 and always looks fabulous. She loves a good pamper and treats herself to luxurious skincare, make up etc. Spa days and long soaks in the bath also make her feel good about herself. The two things I notice most about her are her clothes and her stunning hair. She has her hair regularly cut and coloured in a style that suits her. For work, she gets a lot of a line dresses, in nice prints, mostly from Simply Be.
As others have said, things which feel like a treat can help you feel better in general and they also serve to distract from snacking, which may help you in the future when you are ready. Things like face masks, scented candles/ oil burners, or painting your nails

greyinganddecaying · 26/07/2021 20:44

I'm with you OP. I actually love my jersey clothes, but I think the trick is to buy the ones that don't go baggy easily, so you don't feel scruffy.

Agree with PPs that choosing the right colours is important (we can help with that), from decent shops. A haircut more than once a year - maybe including colour for a change, have a facial, do your nails, etc. All these will help.

Also agree about getting out - to the country, the coast - just a change of scene can make a huge difference.

JohnStonesMissus · 26/07/2021 20:53

@Violinist64

There are some plus size (very plus size) bloggers on YouTube who do clothing and beauty hauls. They are attractive ladies and exude confidence they did not always feel. Why not take a look at some of them for ideas? Being large does not mean that you cannot look good and you will feel so much better with a little self care of this kind. Well done for getting the help you need.
There are, Kandy Foxx does loads of try on hauls, she's great.
JohnStonesMissus · 26/07/2021 20:54

Actually I think there's only one x in her surname..

Beancounter1 · 26/07/2021 20:58

As a one-off: if you don't know what 'your' colours are, get a session with a consultant who can tell you what 'season' you are and give you a wallet of colour swatches to use when you go shopping. I was really in a rut, sticking to just a couple of colours for my clothes, and this really changed my whole relationship to clothes.
I think you only have to do this once in a lifetime as your basic eye colour and complexion doesn't change, so worth it even if it seems very expensive at the time.

gimmenachos · 26/07/2021 21:09

I know you've asked for tips and advice in Style and Beauty, so naturally you'll get a lot of practical tips to help you look better.

Having been where you are, I'd say the most important change comes from within. It's a cliché, but be kind to yourself first. There's a lot of negative language in your post and it would be nice to see that outlook shift a bit.

It's great you're working with a therapist - perhaps they can help with some techniques to help you practise some loving kindness and compassion towards yourself. There are loads of great mindfulness apps that can help with this. Good luck, hope you feel better soon.

doadeer · 26/07/2021 21:24

For me a lovely bedtime routine makes me feel good.

A shower/bath with nice scents
Moisturise with the Rituals body butters
Lovely hand cream
Cleanse, serum, moisturise, facial oil and I love a lip mask
I spray my pillow with a sleep most
Listen to a sleep story

This always makes me feel better ❤️

Blueskytoday06 · 26/07/2021 21:42

Confidence and a smile (granted there may be some faking till making) and look at the other tips people have suggested.

Deffo, nail polish on fingers and toes.

I bet you carry your weight well and don't warrant the narrative you have going on in your head.

Accept the things you can't change and work on the things you can (granted the purpose of post).