If you were thin can you feel attractive fat?

[MsAnnFrope]

This maybe should be in AIBU but I’m much too hormonal and sensitive for that.
I was always a natural size 8/10, until my mid 20s I was more a size 6. I’m only short so now I’m a 12 I look a lot bigger.
DH still is adamant that I’m beautiful. But now I weigh more I just don’t believe it. When I was told I was attractive as a younger woman I believed it. I believe DH (and plenty of other men) found me very good looking when we met but I realise now i only believe I’m attractive when very slim.

I don’t think other larger women are unattractive, quite the opposite I know size 20 women who are stunning.

Is this the fate of being in my 40s? Will I ever feel attractive again? Will I ever put on an item of clothing without assessing whether I look fat in it? Even in my late 30s post baby I could happily shimmy into a cocktail dress or shorts without a second thought. But now all I can think is I am fat and therefore ugly (and worthless)

Thin does not equal attractive.

Size 12 is not huge even if you're short.

I do however understand how you feel, I'm overweight and I hate it.

The best antidote to feeling like this is exercise as it will connect you with your body in a positive way.

I find that when I'm active I care a lot less what my body looks like because I'm appreciating what it can do instead.

I wish I could take my own advice though! Am currently waiting for a foot specialist and not able to get moving as much as I'd like

Thank you. I am exercising more as it has such a beneficial effect on my mental anc physical health but I really need to do it for those reasons. Right now I still associate it with weight loss and do it become a cycle of self loathing and guilt and body shaming myself.

@MsAnnFrope

Thank you. I am exercising more as it has such a beneficial effect on my mental anc physical health but I really need to do it for those reasons. Right now I still associate it with weight loss and do it become a cycle of self loathing and guilt and body shaming myself.

I find if I do something I find challenging like free weights I appreciate my body even more. Also Pilates really helps with posture and I feel taller after a session!

I guess whatever makes you feel like you've achieved something with your body will have the same effect.

Bodies do change as they carry us through life and all that comes with it.

I find it also helped to think of a treat as something that will make me feel good and nourish my body as opposed to a fleeting sugar rush etc.

@Y0YO you are speaking a lot of sense. I need to convince my irrational side as well as my rational side now.

It's not easy, I know from experience!

Yes. A year ago I was two stone heavier than I am now and was when younger. The weight had crept on slowly over ten years, and while i knew I was bigger, I thought it was inevitable at my age, and was ok with it. I knew how to dress to flatter my figure and was considered attractive by men and women. I occasionally had days when I felt too fat and felt i had to choose my clothes carefully.
Looking back now I realise I actually did look quite overweight at times, and theres no doubt I look much better now. But it wasn't a problem at the time, and I think there are other things thst have more impact on attractiveness than weight, such as good hair and nice clothes/presentation.

How tall are you, OP? I’m a few pounds heavier than usual after a year of working from home, and am a 10/12 rather than my usual solid 10. I don’t believe anyone would look at me and think I was a “fat person” except me. I’m 5ft 6.

@Judystilldreamsofhorses I’m only 5ft2 so
I’m definitely overweight (BMI of 27)
The only mercy is I have an hourglass shape which stays the same proportion no matter what.
I just hate judging my appearance on, so
I look thin or not and the impact that has on my feelings about myself.

@5128gap did you deliberately set out to lose weight or is it a byproduct of a healthier lifestyle?

Could hormones be a factor? No matter how fat or thin I am, I feel fat and ugly at a certain time of the month and nothing can convince me otherwise.

I don't think I've started menopause yet but I can well imagine that feeling will haunt me when I do and nothing in the concrete world will change my self-perception.

Almost certainly there’s something hormonal going on for me. DH says he can track the month by my body image…

The latter. Covid spurred me on to improve my health via diet and excercise as I was in the overweight BMI, and lockdown gave me time and opportunity. I never set out to lose weight, as I say, I was happy enough with myself. But I must admit, I'm happier now, and pleasantly surprised at what my 52 year old body is capable of, and can look like.

OP, like you, I was always small. I was a size 6 until my early 40s when I hit menopause in a big way and gained 10 kilos in a matter of months. I was probably a size 12 at my biggest which for many isn't large, but I felt huge. I couldn't bear to look at myself and I had no idea how to dress my bigger body. I felt horribly unattractive but I also know that that wasn't just to do with my body weight but a side effect of menopause. Before HRT, I spent almost two years not feeling like myself at all.

Once I was on the correct HRT and with regular weight lifting sessions, I dropped down to a size 8. It took around 8 months. I started to feel more like myself again and attractive. I could fit into the majority of all my old clothes. However, the pandemic hit, my hormones shifted again, am now 45 and post-menopause and my weight has jumped back up as my doctor can't figure out the correct does of HRT for me and this is definitely contributing to my my weight - most of my weight gain is pure fat, it is horrible. Like you, I am a still an hourglass shape but a much bigger version of what I was previously. All the weight has settled on my stomach, thighs, breasts and bottom - I never had much of a bottom before.

I refuse to accept my weight or body as it is. I have managed to rectify it once before and will do it again. I do not think it is vain to care about your looks or weight. If something makes us unhappy, why accept it? I know for me, accepting my weight would have contributed to me feeling terribly about myself. I want to like what I see in the mirror. I do not think there is anything wrong with this.

@sansucre what you have said really resonates with me. I feel in conflict with my own body!
I also really resent that I have to make such an effort to lose weight when before if I felt a bit chubby I could easily lose it. Even baby weight dropped off and I was 34 dammit.

@MsAnnFrope Also remember that as we age, particularly once we hit our forties, our metabolism slows right down. I can not eat the way I used to, sadly.

If your hormones are not aligned, you won't lose weight. Before I went on HRT, I was tracking macros and exercising like a crazy woman to no avail. The scales actually went up as my cortisol levels were sky high.

To me, your feelings about yourself do mirror how I felt when I was perimenopausal. It might be worth looking at NICE for advice to see if you have any perimenopausal symptoms. Either way, you are very hormonal. This will very much influence how you feel about yourself.

I feel you op.
I'm 5.8 & was always a 12/14
Am now an 18. Have been for a few years. It's stressful.

I have historically always been a size 10 talk and slim. But now I'm a 14 and feel much more attractive.
It helps that my boobs actually fill an A-cup now though

But I also follow a lot of body positive people on Instagram which is empowering.

Thin does not equal attractive.

I agree, I think the face/features is generally the determining factor.

I feel like I need post-it notes everywhere with thin does not equal attractive.
I do have lovely DD breasts now and cleavage I could only dream of in my 20s

I think people can look beautiful at any size, but for me personally I never feel good when I’m overweight. I feel uncomfortable and my clothes don’t sit right. I would say, though - jt doesn’t sound like you’re massively overweight at a size 12, but I appreciate that it’s how you feel about it rather than how it actually looks.

I am overweight and only 5ft, I was three sizes smaller before (many years ago) and am a 16 now. I still feel attractive, my body is older and fatter but it is healthy and strong.

I would like to lose weight and be fitter but I think everyone has their bits they hate, try and be kind to yourself. And don't compare yourself to others because that's never fun, honestly I have bigger tits and I am sure facial fat pads help with wrinkles so it's not all crap!

@Wearywithteens I think women who are 12 and bigger can and do look fabulous. But this is such a bodily change for me that I don’t fit my own image of “attractive me” at the moment.

@Kwackerly you sound like you have it nailed. I’d love to get to where you are mentally

But now all I can think is I am fat and therefore ugly (and worthless)

This ^ is the issue, not your weight.
The fact that you put so much emphasis on what you look like - or, more accurately - what you weigh.

I was a skinny child and very much a 'slim' young woman. I came across a photo of us on the beach when my 3rd dc was almost 1 (so I would have been late 30s) and I was quite impressed at the body I had then.
Since my mid / late 40s I've been carrying a lot more weight and my whole body shape has changed drastically over the last year. However I don't let what I look like define who I am. I am much more valuable a person than a reflection in a mirror. I am my personality. I am an actual person. The way I act, the things I say and the things I do are what define me, not what I look like.

My advice would be to fill your life with things you enjoy doing and forget about constantly stepping on scales or looking in mirrors.