If you were thin can you feel attractive fat?

[MsAnnFrope]

This maybe should be in AIBU but I’m much too hormonal and sensitive for that.
I was always a natural size 8/10, until my mid 20s I was more a size 6. I’m only short so now I’m a 12 I look a lot bigger.
DH still is adamant that I’m beautiful. But now I weigh more I just don’t believe it. When I was told I was attractive as a younger woman I believed it. I believe DH (and plenty of other men) found me very good looking when we met but I realise now i only believe I’m attractive when very slim.

I don’t think other larger women are unattractive, quite the opposite I know size 20 women who are stunning.

Is this the fate of being in my 40s? Will I ever feel attractive again? Will I ever put on an item of clothing without assessing whether I look fat in it? Even in my late 30s post baby I could happily shimmy into a cocktail dress or shorts without a second thought. But now all I can think is I am fat and therefore ugly (and worthless)

@mullmara

Thin does not equal attractive.

I agree, I think the face/features is generally the determining factor.

I’m about 25lbs overweight and I think my face looks deformed now. It’s so strange, someone I knew that hadn’t seen me in awhile said my face was ‘different’ and they didn’t recognise me. Maybe that’s hormonal and peri/meno as well. I took a selfie the other day and that has motivated me to do something!

@BackforGood easy to say but not to do!
It’s odd because I have a lovey life, happy marriage, healthy family, loving friends, decent job, high level of qualification, a volunteer role which I love.
Yet it makes no difference when I see a photo of me looking “fat”. I refused to put up a picture of a major life event because I hated the fact I looked like I had a double chin.
I consider myself intelligent and feminist so to know this is my internal monologue is pretty horrifying to me!

OP, I’m 50 😬 and recently lost 4.5 stone. I did WW. I also stopped drinking wine completely.

Weight gain isn’t inevitable as you get older. IME it’s simply a by product of drinking wine and eating Kettle Chips in front of the tv. 😆

Exercise won’t do much, it’s allllll about what you eat and drink. But I woke up this morning and weighed 8stone 13 for the first time since I was in my teens! It’s possible.

Of course but if you don’t believe it there’s not not much we can say.

I’m not a fan of size 6 women. Not because it’s unattractive but because I don’t like the stereotype of small women.
Weirdly old women are usually tiny and no one is rating them are they?

For me is more about keeping my feminine shape than the size itself.
I know now that if I go above certain weight, I start losing those proportions.
I have lost weight, and found myself all excited about wearing clothes I used to before.
I want to lose some more, and keep working in the gym for fitness and health, but I love seeing smooth curves when I look in the mirror indeed.

@Thewinterofdiscontent good point. My emancipated granny is not a look I’m keen to emulate.
I think I’m asking for ways people either believe their size doesn’t matter to attractiveness or I suppose how to make that brain shift from self judging. I do appreciate all the viewpoints people have shared

OP, I see women that are attractive at all sizes. I'm 5'9 and a size 16/18. I have been alot bigger and alot smaller. I do genuinely feel better on the smaller side but I am slowly getting used to feeling better about bigger me.
My point is if I can look at other women that are bigger than me and think wow you are stunning why might someone not think that about me? Obviously not everyone will but we have to accept that, next time you go out try and think that at least one person looks at you and thinks you look amazing regardless of your size!

I'm fat and nearly always have been so I'm not your target audience for this question BUT I have found that one way to feel nicer about your body is to use it - not necessarily just exercise but exercise that makes you feel strong and powerful like climbing or dancing or kayaking etc.

The problem is not that you are fat or that you are unattractive, neither of which is true I'm sure, but that you have attractiveness and worth tied up together. I mean most women do and it's difficult to shake off but using your body in a way that makes you appreciate it is a start.

@ThePlantsitter you are so right about a skewed sense of self worth and attractiveness.
Your response made me smile as I do love both dancing and being out on the water. I know as a child/adolescent I did not think about my body except whether it would do what I wanted to in gymnastics or dance. There are definitely historic issues about body image from my family but I don;t need to be carrying those forever!

@JustGiveMeGin yes I do look at women of all sizes and think they are attractive. I remember being slimmer and how people commented on what a lovely figure I was and how attractive I was and I suppose I miss that.
Its funny as I have been academically very successful but that is not what people pass comment on is it?

It's about feeling happy and comfortable in your own skin isn't it? I'm not currently and it's a horrible feeling.

OP I totally understand. Due to illness and massive weight gain I feel like my body is my enemy. All the positive statements about attractiveness in the world didn't help. Even men clearly finding me attractive didn't help. I have realised I need to mend my relationship with my body and also stop seeing it as the ill fat thing making my life hard. I also need to stop seeing it as solely related to attractiveness/unattractiveness.

I realised I need to use my body for some cool stuff, so I can remember how great it can be. I started dance classes, to see if I could create something beautiful with my body. It's hard work but quite exciting to see my progress at it, and see my body getting stronger. Now I've signed up for (online) adult ballet also, to try and get more strong/flexible/elegant. It will take time but it feels really positive.

I actually feel now that it doesnt matter as much if I look in the mirror and I don't look how I want to look--- because I know that my body will soon be able to make beautiful dance and that makes it appealing in a different way.

[quote MsAnnFrope]@ThePlantsitter you are so right about a skewed sense of self worth and attractiveness.
Your response made me smile as I do love both dancing and being out on the water. I know as a child/adolescent I did not think about my body except whether it would do what I wanted to in gymnastics or dance. There are definitely historic issues about body image from my family but I don;t need to be carrying those forever![/quote]
Yes it's a feminist issue really isn't it. No quick fixes on an individual level either. But along with your renewed interest in gymnastics you should consider Pilates or yoga as a way of reconnecting with your body. I realise that sounds a bit wanky but it's really a thing, I think.

@ThatOtherPoster

OP, I’m 50 😬 and recently lost 4.5 stone. I did WW. I also stopped drinking wine completely.

Weight gain isn’t inevitable as you get older. IME it’s simply a by product of drinking wine and eating Kettle Chips in front of the tv. 😆

Exercise won’t do much, it’s allllll about what you eat and drink. But I woke up this morning and weighed 8stone 13 for the first time since I was in my teens! It’s possible.

I agree with this. For me it seems to be a straight choice between what I want to eat and how I want to look. Although I lost my weight as a by product of a healthier lifestyle, its obvious that the way I live now has made me slim, and the previous way, not so much. So I would say for me, weight gain is not inevitable and unavoidable and something I need to accept, it's within my control. I appreciate this may not be everyone's experience.

This is always an emotive subject and guaranteed to upset somebody, so apologies in advance. I used to be larger. Looking at old photographs, I wasn’t unattractive but I was larger. Then I lost weight and I that is when the compliments started. I got used to being slim.

Over the tail end of lockdown I put on quite a bit of weight and I think I know what you mean OP. I don’t like myself fat. I don’t like the lumps and bulges, I don’t like the cellulite dimples that come with it. I don’t like having to choose my clothes more carefully.

So I lost the weight and I’m happier for it. I have “my” body back.

I’m 47 by the way and couldn’t give a flying wotsit about being seen to conform to that terrible small woman stereotype or how many fans my dress size has.

Similar to you I was a size 8 years ago, from teens through to late 20s -early 30s. That became 8-10 then, probably during first part of lockdown, went quickly in my late 30s (now) to size 12 and weighed just oevr 10 stone.

I thought I was fine with it and even bought some larger clothes, and my husband said nothing negative. However I started doing some daily exercise for minor health reasons, comletely changed my diet, and I now realise I wasn't happy before. I'm now 8-10 again and would like to do more still. I think always having been slim I feel more myself getting back to a natural weight for me.

I think it’s a real problem that so many women are unable to accept their body will most likely change through the course of their adult life. No 25 year old gets upset their body doesn’t look like it did when they were 5 years old because it’s blatantly obvious that 20 years of life will change your body. So why should a 45 year old realistically expect to have the same body they had when they were 25?!

That’s not to minimise how difficult it can be to accept and get your head round changes to your body as you age. But I do think there’s something to be said for accepting that some change is inevitable.

I'm probably average height, around 5ft 5, so not tiny.

I've been slim in the past, but I'm currently a size 18. I'm dieting at moment for health reasons, but there's a lot I will miss about being this size when I'm thinner. I look kind of dumpy in clothes, but I really like how I look and feel without them - I feel strong and powerful and I take up space and I am soft to cuddle and I have great breasts. I definitely I like my body more fat than I did thin. But I'm confident that I can keep liking it through the changes that weight loss will bring, and will learn to love whatever shape I end up being.

I think it's admirable and important to try to love your body and reject the self-loathing that women are encouraged to do. Particularly as, as PP have said, changes to the body are inevitable as we move through life. But sometimes I think, if you dislike your weight gain, the answer might be to lose weight rather than wishing you felt happier bigger. For most people, the lifestyle that leads to weight gain isn't particularly healthy. I do accept it's a complex and emotive issue, however.

I'm only 5ft 2 so anything over a size 10 is fat. I was always slim until a few years ago. At size 12 I felt just about ok but I'm a 14 now and really do look fat and don't feel attractive. I find looking unhealthy/overweight unattractive myself so don't expect others to see me as attractive. Buying clothes is no longer fun either.

I feel the same as you!

I was a size 6 until mid 20's.

Went to a size 8-10 after my first baby and after my 2nd I am now a size 12 in most things. Finding it really hard to lose weight.

I feel really unattractive now and like I want to wear baggy clothes. I look at pictures and I feel like I look horrific. Much happier and feel more attractive when slimmer.

Yes, definitely. I've been between an 8 and 18 and still felt I looked attractive when larger. The first step towards losing weight for me was accepting how I currently was, was perfectly ok, but that I wanted to feel healthier. I think it's always better to focus on health and wellbeing rather than appearance anyway. Size 12 is fine for me now and I'm normal BMI and everything in life feels so much easier than when I was three stone heavier.

Hmmm, that's a really interesting question. In my teens and twenties I was slender and considered good looking, and always got a lot of attention from blokes. After having our children I never regained my figure and spent from 35-50 really making an effort, only to ever look 'okay'. I still had a pretty face, but middle age jowls and an expanding midrift effectively rendered me invisible. At my heaviest I was 12 and a half stone on a 5ft 6 small boned frame. I looked (and felt) frumpy. I constantly dressed to disguise my flabby, overhang tummy and 34G norks and because I had no waist, everything looked tent like.

Fast forward 6 months and not only have I lost 12lbs in weight but I have also recently had a tummy tuck and lipo. The transformation is incredible. My body looks and feels 20 years younger (face not quite so young, admittedly). My tummy is totally flat again, with a slightly cinched waist line (I'm not a natural hourglass shape, and there's only so much even a plastic surgeon can do).

All. Clothes. Look. 1000 times. Better.

For the last 2 weeks, since I've been back in normal clothes I have been wearing size 10 jeans and fitted tops - and I've had more attention from blokes than I've had in the last 15 years

So in conclusion, I know that for years I did 'make the best of myself' and 'looked quite good for what I was'. But thanks to the extra weight there was only so much that clothes and make up and hair could do for me.

When I was a generous size 14 (with a size 16 belly), even fully made-up with my most flattering outfit on and industrial strength Spanx...I didn't look anywhere near as good as I do now in just boyfriend jeans and a fitted breton top and minimal make up.

I have been a size 20 and I have been a size 10. And every size in between.

I know what I'd prefer. I hated being big, I hate that my boobs are like a shelf and no tops look good on them, I hated my broadness.

However, it all depends on the fact. In that... when I was a size 10, my face looked 10 years older.

When I was 10/12 I loved shopping for clothes, I loved wandering into any shop and knowing they would have my size.

So probably I'm not the best person to comment on here!

However... the weight has crept up again and I am on a weightloss thing and working really hard at it. 1.5stone down, another 1.5stone to go. I am not going to go down the size 10 route again, it's not natural to me. A size 14 would be fine.