Should I embrace white hair at 47?

[Silverparting]

I found my first grey at 19. Have naturally dark brown hair, eyes and very pale skin. Dark brown eyebrows.

I've been dyeing my hair for 30 years. For a long time I've gone to the hairdresser for a number 6 permanent dark brown base, coupled with a blonde tsection every five weeks, cost £80. It looks great for a week, goes brassy and the greys come after two weeks.

In lockdown I've been dyeing my hair with Majirel a 7.3 in a bid to go lighter. I have to do my roots every two weeks! Even then there's a white spot at the back and I don't love the colour.

I'd say my hair is white and I am toying with the idea of growing it out, but then adding blonde highlights once it is all white, if I don't like it.

I have just started Curly Girl and was amazed to see some great results after a week. It's made me enjoy my hair again.

I'm so fed up of dyeing my hair every two weeks and not loving it.

Has anybody gone white, not just grey, in their 40s? I think if I was slate grey it might be easier.

Attached is a pic of my blorange and root growth after less than two weeks. This was pre curly girl so ignore the frizz. Have NC as still embarrassed about hair.

Thanks all for your ideas and inspiration.
A Google for celebrities with grey hair brings up Helen Mirren, Jane Fonda and Annette Bening.

The only woman my age seems to be Keanu Reeves' partner. I remember the fuss her hair caused when they went public because she dared not to go natural in Hollywood.

Closer to home, I like Caroline Quentin's hair, but now I think of it, hardly anybody is daring to be grey in their 40s in celeb land!

In her latest role, Jodie Foster is pure white. I do think this would drain me. I love this look though when she's grey and white.

Sorry, meant dared to go natural!

Allison Janney, Penelope Cruz and Pam Dwyer has all embraced their natural colour lately.

I'm especially interested to see darker hair (like my natural colour) greying.
It is refreshing to see.

I shaved my head 4 years ago when I was 46 and I really hoped it would look like picture 1 when grown out but this is me in picture 2 and 3. A thousand different shades of blah. Although I’m not thrilled with my natural colour I still don’t want to dye it.

Oh and I couldn't give a fig if I look older. People dye their hair to look younger or not to look older. Why can’t we just aim to look our age.

My original natural hair colour was a very dark ashy brown.

Era your hair is lovely!
I was naturally very dark but started bleaching my hair after taking a reaction to dark dye. Then I shaved it off and haven't dyed it since.

@EraOfTheGrey

I shaved my head 4 years ago when I was 46 and I really hoped it would look like picture 1 when grown out but this is me in picture 2 and 3. A thousand different shades of blah. Although I’m not thrilled with my natural colour I still don’t want to dye it.

Oh and I couldn't give a fig if I look older. People dye their hair to look younger or not to look older. Why can’t we just aim to look our age.

I really wouldn’t call that a thousand shades of blah! I think the colour is really lovely

Era it looks great! I think we are seeing it differently to you, as it most definitely not 1,000 shades of blah.

@GertrudeTheGreat

Age discrimination definitely exists. But hair dye doesn't change your age. You normally have to provide ID with a date of birth on it, sometimes even at interview. You won't convince them you're 35 instead of 50, not matter how good your dye job. So do what makes you happy.

The narrative that women MUST dye their hair or else they won't be given a job, or snag a man makes me irked tbh.

I dont blame you for being irked but i took issue with the question "what's wrong with looking older?". I faced ageism job hunting at 45. And im not teying to snag a man, ive been single for 14 years now but havent had even a date for 4 years. Maybe 5.

Im not lonely but maybe id prefer to be in a relationship. That is not the same as wanting to snag a man.. jeez! And the pro grey hair posts were all peppered with DH loves it".

I'll say what i said before, there are social and economic benefits to staying young looking if you can.

Im single so i dont have a "dh" shoring me up financially.

But do what you like with your own hair obviously. It's the question what"s wrong with ageing that irks

It's a common narrative, @SelkieBeag. I'm sure you are not trying to snag a man

My point is that your age won't magically change and all men won't have the good sense to consider dating women their own age all of a sudden if we women just play by the rules, which seem to be...fit into the same shorts we wore when we were 19, dye our hair and wax our bits! This is a common narrative and certainly not YOUR narrative. Hope that clarifies

I also take issue, not with the question "what's wrong with ageing", but with the discrimination, male gaze sexism and ageism we all suffer from. Asking "what's wrong with ageing?" actually is pretty apt. There is nothing wrong with it. Society is set up against us ageing. We are expected to do the impossible; stay young. Not possible. It is an unattainable goal which we are presented with. So, good for women saying fuck that. That isn't to criticise people who don't choose to say fuck that. It is to criticise the system which dictates we have to play by the unwritten rules of the patriarchy which sets us up for inevitable failure anyway.

@Silverparting Caryn Franklin and Paola Marella were my inspirations before I ditched the dye.

And lighting/colours make such a difference. You may find you need to change your make up/colours in your wardrobe a bit. I used to wear corals and salmon colours when I dyed. They now make me look unbelievably awful. I need cooler, icy colours now. And a bit of make up helps (though I cannot find my concealer...can you tell). So compare the blah photo of me the other day and the one I just took today. neither great but the brighter jumper and some lipstick make me look better. Same colour hair though. Same age (well bar a few days)

Yes, i know, i couldnt agree with you more tbh, ageing in a patriarchy is something i understand.

I may be shouted down here and told im wrong but being one half of a couple does give a middle aged woman some status in a patriarchy. She is not a middle aged nobody. She is mrs smith. Whether "dh" loves her or not is a different matter.

It is not quiiiiite jane austen times i know! Im not quite charlotte, but i am a single woman paying all of her own bills and most employers would probably prefer younger women. I am the oldest woman at my work. Im 50. If i drop a pencil or make a mistake i have got comments like "oh having a bad day are we!" so it is important economically to reject any of the stereotypes about ageing. I do actually think grey hair can look really good but more often than not grey hair looks good if your face looks really good!

And tbh, i look after my internal side rather than using my self to make a point. I may be rejecting the outward signs of ageing where possible but im reading jean shinoda bolan and marisa goudy and understanding that it is not for men to define femininity. I may go grey in a few years but i dont think it does make any "point" if you leave it til you're pushing 60

I don't think you should be shouted down at all @SelkieBeag!

You have to play by certain 'rules' as a woman, whether you are single or not. That is the patriarchy for you. Nobody can blame you for playing by those rules.

But, we can still applaud women who refuse to do that. If you are in a job where you truly believe grey hair would contribute to you projecting an image which is 'too old' for your industry, and your job could be affected, then of course, nobody should blame you for dying it!

However, I also think the expectation that ALL women should strive to stay looking young*, by dying hair, having botox, surgery, salon treatments etc etc, is incredibly damaging. And those comments come up on here and elsewhere a lot. You know, "you CAN'T have short hair / grey hair / refuse to lose 'vanity pounds'".

Choosing to dye your hair or have botox or whatever, because you need it for work or because it really makes you happy, is one thing. But when a woman who has decided she has enough and isn't doing any more posts on here, I really wish, she wouldn't get, "NO, you'll look OLD , you must fight the OLD with everything you've got", responses.

*which is impossible anyway, so, you know, inevitable failure that way lies!

And anyway, I think the jury's out really on whether grey hair is ageing. For me, women can look pretty bad with dyed hair and a fuck tonne of botox. Not naming names, but I'm sure you can think of some celebrities who don't look great, despite their ardent efforts to stay young looking.

I'm sure that doesn't apply to any posters on here btw, but just pointing out, as have others, that grey hair = old = unattractive, while dyed hair = young = attractive, isn't right. Sometimes people look better for going grey. Ditto cutting their hair short.. despite the rhetoric of, "but you CAN'T! It must be long because you're a laydee"! Or whatever.

For me, it is we should be supporting each other. Each other's choices.

We all have our own crutches - whether it is lipstick, hair dye, daily yoga, daily run, our favourite pants, the espresso, the high heels....you know...whatever. Nobody should force you to give up your crutch.

We all, lets be honest, have to fight daily some elements of patriarchy...from work, society, the media. We have developed methods to help us in this battle. Sometimes by not picking certain fights, being subversive, sometimes (and more often these days, I hope) calling out issues.

Unless we are really lucky we also all have our own insecurities. But we also have our own strengths.

What I do not understand is why, if someone asks "should I stop dyeing my hair" there seems to be a flurry of women saying "No!!! It will age you horribly". You can also get the huge cries of "No" if someone suggests they cut their hair short. I'd maybe get it coming from men? Maybe? But not from women.

Why is this? Would we dream of such a comment if someone said they were going to no longer get a manicure? Stop wearing lipstick? Throw out all their jeans?

I don't get it. Surely we could just be supportive? What is the hang up with a) hair having to be long and "not-grey and b)getting older? Why is this coming from women about other women?

And yes, I get there is ageism out there - but surely we are acerbating this, and misogyny, by repeating it. Can we expect the world (and men/society) to change if we don't challenge these views ourselves?

And probably crutch is the wrong word ^^ as if implying it is a bad thing. I didn't mean it like that.

X post @JulietMadeChutney. I think you said it better

@GertrudeTheGreat

I also thought the women in the article mainly looked a little better with natural hair colour. But that's pretty subjective.

The point is, why is it that women are so often expected to do things they get nothing out of, so they look nicer? Again, I know some people love it and do it for themselves. But when women who have had enough of dying their hair or whatever, decide to stop, why are some people so utterly horrified? It's a sort of collective madness imo, honestly.

I've thought about this a lot tbh. And what hurts most is not the never getting a message from an age appropriate, sane, clean online dater, I have given up and been much happier for it, it's being slowly subtly marginalised by the rest of society. Two people are picked to go on a course to learn about x,y or z and those two are................ the women in their 30s. The same patriarchal bosses will be BITCHING about those 30 somethings if they have maternity leave I know. But........... still don't they ''invest'' in the 50 year old who is not going anyway for 17 years!? Maybe they want me to leave!? So they can fill the office with younger people, so they can all be a 30 something ''right fit''.

I'm joking but only 60% joking............

Whether it's reinsurance or pensions I think there is a mindset that women get doddery and men accumulate wisdom. It is entirely correct that changing my hair colour won't change this, but there were two older women when I first started. They were both about 60 and they've both gone now. They did not try to remain youthful and for some reason they were both regarded as being a bit odd. Honestly neither of them ever did or said a single odd thing.

If i won the lottery I'd be out there pushing back all of the boundaries.

If you can go fully white, it's incredibly chic when you're younger. Also of course the Andy Warhol principle (when he died his hair grey) - people will always think that you look stunning for your age

I believe you, 100% @SelkieBeag.

I don't think anyone should be put down for dying their hair or doing whatever out of self preservation. Who can blame you?

What I take issue with, is the horror when someone else posts saying they won't be doing it. Surely, if a woman is in a position where she can't push back against these boundaries, she can still applaud and appreciate those who can and do, instead of some of the posts we see so frequently on here, which are just "NO you CAN'T. Do not get old"!

And again, that helpful advice not to 'give up' and become (shock horror, older, aka, your actual age, which is completely unavoidable), is ridiculous. It is not possible to stay young after a point, even with all the money, treatments, surgery and whatever else has been thrown at your face, hair and body.

The other issue, as raised earlier in the thread, is the expense we are expected to go to to remain young (impossible). When women are so often lower earners, it makes the hypocrisy even worse.