Age & weight

[PineappleCakes]

Reading about Trousers of Truth, Victory Jeans (of which I have many pairs...) made me think about my weight. Again.

I'm 45 and I weigh roughly 1stone more than I did 20 years ago. I gained and never lost 1/2 stone post-pregnancy, then another 1/2 stone a couple of years ago through stress and comfort eating.

I'm not happy nor resigned to being this heavy. But is it normal that we women expect ourselves to weigh the same throughout our life? Our style changes, our skin ages but the hope/expectation that we "stay slim" or similar to our teen or 20s self seems even more entrenched yet possibly just as unrealistic.

Many of the fab posters on that other thread were talking about getting back into summer shorts etc. and I think we all watch our weight to some extent. How common is it, to stay the same weight or shape through the decades? Or is it just damaging to ourselves?

It's really difficult and I think the age part is important.

I think lots of women, feel they have lost 'it' in terms of physical appearance when they reach a certain age and coming to terms with that, can honestly be a bit traumatic, if that isn't too dramatic a word!

It seems to be, that we feel as if we lose our identity and don't feel like the same person when our physical appearance changes significantly, (as it almost certainly will for most of us as we age). Maybe the weight issue is part and parcel of this and maybe if we cling on to that part, and stay The Same Weight we feel as if we have some control over the situation?

I don't know what the answer is. I suppose it isn't helpful that women are told all their lives that they are their physical appearance. I'd like to think that is changing these days, but don't know.

Is that a bit much / too analysis-y for Easter Sunday ?

Also, love the analogy of having to smash a beautiful object in your collection every time you gain a stone! I completely get that.

My wardrobe, to me, is a work of art, as it is very 'me' and satisfyingly small, (my preference). But at the same time, it is all, easily replaced. If I had a collection of beautiful, vintage pieces, I might feel differently!

@GertrudeTheGreat you're spot on! It's hard coming to terms with ageing. I'm 50 and my face is obviously ageing, my hands look different, my hair etc
Remaining slim and dressing like me is like holding back the years a little for me!
I see friends that I haven't seen in years and they are always amazed that 'I look exactly the same' except I don't, it's just I'm still tiny and wearing 'young' clothes.
It definitely takes the focus off the ageing face

@ takes attention off the ageing face.

I bet you look lovely littlefluffy!

I'm 40 and the same weight and shape as I was when I was 21. I watch what I eat to the extent I don't allow myself to go above a certain weight. I also exercise.

@FourWordsImMuNiTy great description about clothes. Yes, I've amassed a collection of clothes that I love (secret hoarder) which would be heartbreaking if I could no longer fit into. Obviously my style has changed from my 20s to my current 40s, but there are items which I would enjoy fitting into again, if not wear out.

And no judgement from me on this issue. It's interesting to explore this aspect of ageing. I've yet to meet any woman who does not watch/think about what she eats in terms of the effect on her figure. That sounds pretty miserable, but it's a trade off isn't it? What or how much you eat, how much exercise you're happy to do, how you view yourself and how much of your self-worth is tied into how you look.

I'm one of those annoying women who looks younger at first glance, but like @Littlefluffyclouds13 that's because other people are not looking closely to see the fine lines (hands and face!) that have developed or the grey hair coming through.

Sure, there's a degree of vanity but I think it's about adjusting our mindset as we approach the next phase of our lives - not quite "throwing in the towel" but accepting that we are different from our 20something selves and how we deal with that.

I agree with @GertrudeTheGreat that The Same Weight might be a crutch that we rely on, to remain The Same ie Youthful. Which leads me on to thinking about the ideas of what's considered attractive for women - and how older women seem to disappear, we're no longer attractive once we become mothers or middle aged :(

I'm not saying I want or miss random male attention (thank god there's less cat-calling) but when I was young, I used to get a little bit of attention when on a night out. Now, never. I think it's the age, another aspect of growing older that I'm reconciling myself to

As crutches go, it definitely isn't the worst thing! Could be something way worse tbh.

But, it's just that I wish we wouldn't sometimes be made to feel as if we are nothing if we aren't 'hot' in a really cookie cutter way. Total male gaze shit, which we are all victims of, to a degree. The worst thing is, it is completely unachievable. Even with access to the best that money can buy in terms of surgery, clothes, personal trainers etc, everyone will age and no longer be 'hot' in that conventional way. Everyone! So, why do we have to fight tooth and nail to live up to an ideal which is totally unattainable?

But, again, eating for your health, dieting so you fit into your works of art, or just because it makes you feel more you? Yeah, do it, as long as it makes you happy. It seems that way for many posters on here and good for them! (Not sarcastic "good for them"! So hard to convey tone in text).

It just makes me a bit sad that sometimes we feel as if we have to do all this stuff. Not for our own happiness, but for other people. When it's at that point, I think it's just bullshit and in a slightly weird way, it makes me want to shun it hard and shave my head. Maybe that's my thing - contrary cow

I've been around 50kg since age 15, 33 now. 5ft 1ins. 53kg now though, since lockdown!

Society puts no pressure on me to maintain my weight. I exercise because it makes me feel good. I've been playing sports since I was 11. I love it, it's not a chore. I now do yoga to reduce stress and be flexible as I get older, along with weights to help maintain bone density.

I don't drink alcohol because I really don't like it and not drinking just to fit in with my friends and the drinking culture we have. I don't deprive myself of anything. I was diagnosed with cancer at 38 due to a rare gene mutation.

I do it for me and after surviving cancer my decisions are mine and am not influenced by society, media etc.

And I have no interest in being "hot".

I was just under 7 stone 20 years ago.

No I'm not that now.

Ageing is a normal process. Our bodies change.

As long as you're healthy and happy then so what.

I can nod along to some of these sentiments but there's one big difference: My jowls, wrinkles and grey hair are not going to damage my health. Putting on too much weight very likely will.

Of course we can argue about the definition of 'too much' but it is absolutely sensible to be careful post menopause, and not helpful to wave away the concerns.

Oh absolutely @ZaraW. I did say that in my post, with respect ; there are many posters on here, like you, who diet or whatever for their own reasons and good for you and them. But the whole male gaze thing exists and it annoys me, as I expect it annoys everyone.

I think it's ok to say that, even if you personally feel it doesn't apply to your choices. I hope you agree.

I also don't drink alcohol. It adds no value to my life, so why would I?

And yes @Floisme, if you read through the thread, you will see, I have said, probably 3+ times, that I'm not referring to staying within the healthy weight range. That is clearly a good idea! Nobody sensible would argue with you.

But, a woman who has a bmi of 19-20 in her twenties, could gain a stone or two and STILL be within the healthy range. So, my question, was why seek to maintain a very low BMI and some people have kindly answered that from their perspectives.

@GertrudeTheGreat

As crutches go, it definitely isn't the worst thing! Could be something way worse tbh.

But, it's just that I wish we wouldn't sometimes be made to feel as if we are nothing if we aren't 'hot' in a really cookie cutter way. Total male gaze shit, which we are all victims of, to a degree. The worst thing is, it is completely unachievable. Even with access to the best that money can buy in terms of surgery, clothes, personal trainers etc, everyone will age and no longer be 'hot' in that conventional way. Everyone! So, why do we have to fight tooth and nail to live up to an ideal which is totally unattainable?

But, again, eating for your health, dieting so you fit into your works of art, or just because it makes you feel more you? Yeah, do it, as long as it makes you happy. It seems that way for many posters on here and good for them! (Not sarcastic "good for them"! So hard to convey tone in text).

It just makes me a bit sad that sometimes we feel as if we have to do all this stuff. Not for our own happiness, but for other people. When it's at that point, I think it's just bullshit and in a slightly weird way, it makes me want to shun it hard and shave my head. Maybe that's my thing - contrary cow

I feel exactly like this.

I'm 43 and 5"6

Age 20 49kg
Age 30 55kg
Age 40 60kg

I had 3 pregnancies between 27 and 33, after the last pregnancy I struggled to lose weight. At my lowest I looked ill and had bones protruding at all angles, at 55kg I looked reasonably healthy. I've had more people comments on how well I look at my heaviest than when I was slim,tbh I prefer the curves now

Currently doing squats every time i boil the kettle (can do 50 in the time it takes to boil water for 2 cups). I also do random exercises throughout the day that only take 2-3mins. I have underlying health conditions so doing 30mins of any exercise program wipes me out for several days. So far this method has been working for the last 6 weeks and I've lost 3kgs!

Ha @Bagelsandbrie, grab the clippers! I'll do the back of your head if you like

And, thanks . Nice to know others feel the same.

I was 8.5 stone in my mid-20s due to the stress of teaching in London. I wasn’t eating and was walking miles per day. I would say that was my ideal weight.

I’m 40 now and 10.5 stone. I have resolved to get back down to 8.5 stone (only eating 2 meals per day and not touching chocolate/cake/crisps).

I guess I posted what I did Gertrude because most of my peers are over 60 and a significant number have serious health issues that are either related to or aggravated by weight. That's the reality when I look around me, no matter what some strangers on the Internet might say.

For most of us it's really not easy maintaining a consistent, healthy weight post menopause. In fact it's mind numbingly boring, and frankly the last thing we need is an excuse not to do so.

Seriously - start a thread about the pressures on women to dye their hair or Botox their wrinkles and I'll be right with you. But I'm not with you over this. Most women are right to be careful.

Ah, yes, that makes sense.

For me, maintaining a healthy bmi is very different to the goal to stay the exact same weight, so I don't see not wanting to stay the exact same weight as an reason to become overweight.

I don't want to provide excuses to people and scupper their attempts at maintaining a healthy weight or anything. But, that doesn't mean that societal pressure on women to look the same as they did when they were younger, or, for younger women to all look the same, in that cookie cutter, conventional beauty way, doesn't exist and that it doesn't also cause damage.

Someone becoming very overweight is not healthy. We know this. But, equally, I would argue that undergoing multiple rounds of unnecessary surgery when you are 21 AND filling your face with poison every six weeks, AND getting into debt so you can get hair extensions, is also harmful.

I am sure some people do all of this 'for themselves'. But, I also think a proportion of people, maybe a small proportion, do these things because it is assumed women must look like a Love Island contestant in order to have value.

And, ironically, I find it a lot easier to make healthier choices, truly for myself and my own health, when I'm not feeling the pressure of these expectations.

I know many people on this thread, stay a low bmi for their own reasons and I totally get not wanting to say goodbye to specific articles of clothing, which you get joy out of. I get people wanting to stay the same weight because they like identifying as 'the skinny one'. I get people staying within a healthy BMI range for health, (of course)!

But the other issues I have mentioned, where it is no longer 'for me', I find really insidious and damaging to all of us. So felt like mentioning it, in the context of the conversation as it has evolved in this whole thread.

Ha x post @Floisme!

@Floisme

Seriously - start a thread about the pressures on women to dye their hair or Botox their wrinkles and I'll be right with you. But I'm not with you over this. Most women are right to be careful.

I mean, if you mean staying a healthy weight when you say being careful, you ARE with me! I've said it a good few times on here

I find it really sad that people are making themselves do 50 squats every time they fill the kettle or limiting themselves to 2 meals a day. That’s no way to live. By all means eat healthily and exercise a few times a week if you like but to let it creep into normal aspects of your day is a bit sad. It’s like you can never just “be”.

My Mum was absolutely horrified by the idea of putting on weight throughout her life and could never really understand that I am happy to be a size 16 and just eat whatever I like whenever I like. She died of bowel cancer in 2019 and when she was in the hospice she said to me she wished she’d spent more time just doing what she liked and eating what she’d liked rather than worrying about all this stuff all the time. (She generally ate very healthily- salads, fibre, long walks etc). She was only 70 when she died and was diagnosed and died within 6 weeks.

I actually wasn’t that close to my Mum, we had a very difficult relationship but it’s really made me think how much time we all waste getting worried about this stuff as women. Men don’t seem to care so much.

Ha ha yes, we'd probably agree on a lot of things normally!

Sorry cross post - that was to Gertrude.